America's Dog - Day 5

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph


Day 5


Well, all good things must come to an end. Like the Bulls’ season. Sanjaya (aka Mangina). And my hot dog eating obsession. It was a good week. Just not for my intestines.

To answer the question once and for all, yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. I asked the order-taker girl today if anyone turned in a pair of sunglasses. And she said yes. And better yet, they were mine. I couldn’t have been more excited. And that’s before I even ate the hot dogs.

Today I had a lot of company. Katie, who claims I have ruined her life by introducing her to America’s Dog, because she can’t stop thinking about it. Kasey, who claims I have ruined his life because he has to work with me and I embarrass him at NERF hoops on a weekly basis. Matt, whose life I haven’t ruined yet, but it’s only a matter of time. And Heather, who is dating Kasey. No joke needed there. I kind of feel like Vinny Chase right now.

Hot Dog: The Chicago Dog
Wanted to save the classic for the last day. Not bad. Definitely not the best Chicago dog in the city, but at least they get it right. There are better things on the menu, and if you really want a chi-town dog downtown I’m a Max’s take-out or Downtown Dog kind of guy. Fist bump.

Hot Dog: The Philadelphia Dog
Great concept here. It’s a build-your-own-dog dog (get it? Philly is the city that’s home to freedom, and this is the freedom to have a dog any way you want it? Genius.). I went with the fried hot dog, chili, melted cheddar cheese (scoopable cheese), grilled onions, buffalo sauce, celery salt, and a pickle. And a defibrillator. Not a bad dog, if I do say so myself. But quite frankly it was a little too much. The Philly Dog gets a half handshake, half chest-bump hug. My version of the Philly Dog gets a fist-bump with a manly ass slap.

Side Item: Cheese Fries
I’m not even sure where to start. It’s a HUGE box of their delicious curly fries topped with scoopable cheese. OK, I guess I do know where to start. They’re also amazing. I love the fries. I love the cheese. I love the fries and cheese together. The best side item I got all week. Half handshake, half chest-bump hug.


So, what did we learn this week? A lot.

- America’s Dog hot dogs are really energy bars wrapped in poppy seed buns and should be handed out during marathons instead of Gatorade and gel packs.
- I’m fat.
- America’s Dog is the best concept in hot dogs that I’ve seen in quite some time.
- Fishing really can be dangerous.
- Scoopable cheese makes everything better.
- There’s no such thing as a bad corn dog. And if there is one out there, I hope I never find it.
- Scott Skiles got out-coached by Flip Saunders, which I’m embarrassed to even type.
- Everyone should start calling me The Big Delicious.
- I’m going to hell.
- I’m fat.
- You can eat at America’s Dog for an entire week and not get tired of it.
- Morgan Spurlock is a crybaby.


America’s Dog gets a half handshake, half chest-bump hug.


Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

America's Dog - Day 4

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph


Day 4

America’s Dog just got a lot more expensive for me. Today when I was there (a solo mission, which sounds a lot like my high school sex life) my sunglasses got stolen. Remember when I mentioned the other day that seating was limited and Kasey and I had to stand at the counter in the back? Well they’ve added high chairs to all the counters, so now there are about 8 additional seats in the place. All the booths were full, so I grabbed the counter seat by the front door. When my order was called I went up to get it, leaving my sunglasses and cup of water behind to save my seat. In the 12 seconds it took to get my order and get back to my seat, the glasses were gone. I’m not sure if I should be pissed off or impressed. It took me longer than that to lose my virginity. The thing that annoys me the most is that when I was in Phoenix I left my sunglasses at a restaurant, and I liked them so much that I went out and bought the exact same ones to replace them. And now those are gone. From here on out I’m sticking to the Blue Blockers. Nobody is stealing those babies.

I know I’ve been focused on the hot dogs all week, but let me just take a second to address some other things on the menu. Today I saw someone get an Italian beef, and it was dipped. And I mean they took that thing by the tongs, submerged it in the vat of juice, and let it sit in there for a couple seconds. That is how you dip a beef.

My favorite thing on the menu (even though I’ve never actually had it) is their burger, The Big Delicious. I just love the name. If I could give myself any nickname it would be The Big Delicious.

Hot Dog: The Charleston Dog
I got this to make up for the fact that I didn’t get it yesterday. I’m not a big cole slaw guy. And by “not a big cole slaw guy” I mean I hate the stuff. Never eat it. You know what’s surprising? I hate any salad type of thing that’s made with mayo. Chicken salad. Tuna salad. And cole slaw (which I consider to just be cabbage salad). As much as I love mayo, and all things unhealthy, you’d think anything smothered in the stuff would be right up my alley. But it’s not. However, I really enjoyed this hot dog. I was kind of expecting it to turn out like the buffalo dog, where the ingredient I hate ends up ruining the dog for me. Not the case here. It actually added to it. And the fact that there was a layer of chili underneath it certainly didn’t hurt. Fist bump with a manly ass slap.

Hot Dog: The Des Moines Dog
It’s a corn dog. How could this not be good? And I really loved it. It’s not one of those greasy, salty tasting corn dogs (which I love). It tastes like it was dipped in a cornbread batter then fried. It gives it this great sweet taste, which balances out the salty taste of the dog. And it isn’t greasy. Just a nice, soft dough texture. The best way to describe it is a hot dog wrapped in cornbread. Chest bump with a manly ass slap.

Side Item: Buffalo Popcorn Chicken
I love that the menu offers a lot of side item variety. I just wish it didn’t all suck. Just like the onion rings and cheese sticks, the popcorn chicken is disappointing. Plus it’s served with BBQ sauce, which came out of nowhere, since I was expecting buffalo sauce. From here on out, it’s fries or nothing. Handshake.

Four days down and I still feel great. Either I have an iron stomach, or I’m just fat.



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

America's Dog - Day 3

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph


Day 3

It’s official. These aren’t hot dogs, they’re energy bars. I had another great run this morning, and the morning runs when I was finished. The Louisiana Dog is now the PowerBar Dog. The Green Bay Dog is now the Clif Bar Dog. The Dallas Dog is the Zone Bar Dog. And so on. I really do feel great. No heartburn, no stomachaches, no sluggishness, no nothin’. I think America’s Dog should become an official part of the Chicago Marathon training process.

Three days in and I think my biggest problem with America’s Dog is the cost. Everyday I get two hot dogs and a side item and it’s impossible for me to walk out of there without paying under $7. Just seems like a little much for a hot dog place. Back in my day (once you hit 30 I think you can pull out the “back in my day” routine) you could get two hot dogs and a side of fries for $3. In fact, I think you can still do this at Mickey’s in Oak Park. Don’t get me wrong, the variety and quality of the dogs are worth it, but it still doesn’t feel right.

For today’s excursion I was joined by Rex and JT. Now, I’ve been a little critical of whether or not all the hot dogs are authentic to their host cities, so having JT there was nice. He’s from North Carolina, and the second he saw the Charleston Dog he made a comment about how right on it was. “Just like we do it back home.” So now I feel better about the whole thing. And with that knowledge and the fact I was with someone from N.C. it seems like ordering the Charleston Dog (which is covered in cole slaw) would have made sense, but of course I didn’t. The majority of the lunchtime conversation revolved around The Deadliest Catch, which apparently is a TV show on the discovery channel that documents how guys risk their lives to catch crabs for a living. If I had known I could have made a career out of catching crabs I would have never left college. HI-YO! Anyway, the show follows a bunch of fisherman who cruise the Barren Straits fishing for crab. Supposedly it’s one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. Sounds like fun, except the exact opposite. If you’ve ever seen the movie The Perfect Storm, it’s a lot like that, except in colder water, with more danger, and crabs instead of fish. At first I wasn’t sure why anyone would risk their lives for a job like that, but then I realized that I would probably risk my life for an unlimited supply of hot dogs, so I can relate.

Oh, and thanks to Rex I’m now going to refer to this “event” as me doing it Doggy Style all week.

Hot Dog: The San Francisco Dog
You know how I’m skeptical of how authentic these dogs are (and if you’re not familiar then you must have skipped the last paragraph)? Well, here’s one reason why: on the website they call this the Cosmic Dog. I’m beginning to think they just thought of good hot dog combos and randomly assigned cities to them. The San Fran/Cosmic Dog has chili, mustard, ketchup, relish, pickle, tomato, shredded cheddar cheese, and celery salt. It sounds like a mess of dog, and it was. It was hard to keep in one piece and I ended up with chili and other ingredients all over my hand. But other than that it was a great dog. I expected all the ingredients to compete with each other and the whole thing to taste like a garbage disposal, but it was really good. An easy chest bump.

Hot Dog: The Baltimore Dog
What if I told you that you could get a hot dog that was deep-fried then topped with melted cheddar cheese and grilled onions. Is that something you might be interested in? Well, it was something I was interested in. You might need earmuffs for this, but this hot dog almost made me finish in my pants. I’ve consumed god knows how many hot dogs in my life, and I think I might consider this the best one I’ve ever had. Now, I know that’s saying a lot, but hear me out. It’s a hot dog – but deep-fried. Then it’s topped with cheese – but scoopable cheese. And then onions – but grilled onions. It’s the greatest combo I could ever imagine. The best versions of the best ingredients. Look at it like this. Kobe Bryant is a hot dog. Just a great player that’s one of the best in the game. But a fried hot dog? That’s Michael Jordan. LeBron might be cheese, but Magic was scoopable cheese. Dirk might be onions (he definitely smells like them with the way he stunk up the joint in the first round), but Bird is grilled onions. This isn’t a Hall of Fame hot dog; it’s the greatest-of-all-time hot dog. I have no choice but to give it the famous HJ ranking.

Side Item: Cheese Sticks
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OK, they weren’t that bad, but I like a really gooey cheese stick (shocker), and these weren’t melted. It was basically a warm, breaded string cheese. They were better than the onion rings, but still nothing special. High five.




Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

America's Dog - Day 2

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph


Day 2

I’m now convinced that these aren’t hot dogs. They’re PowerBars wrapped in a poppy seed bun. I got up this morning with a belly full of America’s Dog (and some China Fast Wok), and went out and ran 7 miles. 7 miles! I haven’t run that far in a long time. The only explanation could be America’s Dog. I need to talk to the owner. This might be a health food place disguised as a hot dog joint. Of course for the first half of the run it felt like my fibula or tibia might snap underneath the weight of my heaviest-it’s-ever-been body, but that isn’t the fault of America’s Dog. That’s the fault of my appetite.

And now that I’ve discovered these hot dogs are actually energy bars, I’m pretty excited to keep eating them. We’ll see how I feel at the end of the week, but so far, so good. For today’s excursion my co-workers Tony and Michael joined me. It was a beautiful day for a walk, even though it’s only a block-and-a-half walk.

When we entered the place a group of about six smokin’ hot high school girls were walking out. Is it wrong of me to call high school girls hot? Probably. But I’m positive they were 18. I think. I hope. Either way I’m going to hell. And thank god I’m having a son.

The biggest downside of the place is the size. It’s really small. During a lunch rush it’s almost impossible to find a seat. Yesterday, Kasey and I had to stand and eat at a counter in the back. Today we had to play musical chairs to get a table. And on top of that the place is hot as death (I’m assuming death is hot. At least it will be for me since I’ll be in hell as punishment for my neck snapping at a bunch of 18-year-old girls).

Hot Dog: The Dallas Dog
Another one of those “city name doesn’t match the dog” dogs. This was a hot dog with chili, cheese, and onions. Seems like it should have been the Cincinnati dog. The chili is pretty average. It’s kind of watery. Definitely more of a liquid than a hearty chili. And they didn’t put a ton on there, which is actually a good move because of the kind of chili it is. My complaints about this dog where the onions and the cheese. Not enough onion, way too much cheese. I really only noticed like two onions on the whole thing, which was a bit of a shock. I was expecting them to have a hearty amount of onions with the chili, and then top it off with a nice, small layer of cheese. It was the exact opposite. It was a scarce serving of onions, then topped with this mound of finely shredded cheese. I think they used the cheese to try and hide what was going on down below. Since they skimped on the onions and the chili wasn’t pretty to look at, they tried to hide the whole thing with cheese. Which normally I wouldn’t mind, except it was shredded cheese and it wasn’t melting at all on top of the dog. If I was with my buddy Dru, he would have loved it, and probably asked for a side of cheese that he could eat with a fork. He also has a cholesterol level that’s higher than his credit score, so keep that in mind. Overall, I enjoyed the dog, but next time I’d probably just opt for the Houston dog, which is the same thing, sans cheese and onions. Fist bump with a manly ass slap.

Hot Dog: The Buffalo Dog
Buffalo sauce, blue cheese, and celery salt. Sounds like a good idea, but I’m not a big blue cheese guy, so this dog never stood a chance. Now, I know two other people who have gotten this dog and loved it, so if you like blue cheese, then this dog is right up your alley. I do wish they had more buffalo sauce on the thing. It was enough to add flavor, but I felt like it could have used a good dousing. In fact, I’m not quite sure why they don’t dip the dog (now that’s something I don’t say nearly enough) in buffalo sauce, throw it on the bun, then add another quick hit of the sauce on top. Seems like that would be the way to go. Oh well. I’m gonna have to give this dog a high five.

Side Item: French Fries
I love the French fries here. They are seasoned curly fries, like the kind you get at Arby’s. I love those fries, so it’s no surprise that I love these fries. And they give you a ton. I got a small order, and was almost upset at how many fries I got. It took me almost 1.2 seconds to get over it and devour the entire order. I can’t imagine any side item topping the fries, except for the cheese fries. In fact, based on the Green Bay dog and the fries, this place has the potential of creating the greatest cheese fries in the history of fatness. I’m giddy.

And you know what? Two days into this weeklong quest and I feel great. If my run in the morning goes as well as it did this morning, I think I might try to become the Jared of America’s Dog. “I ate two America’s Dog hot dogs a day and had the best workouts of my life, and I only gained 53 pounds!” (Note: I almost said “best runs of my life” but didn’t want anyone to get confused, though they have given me good runs. And I’ve shared too much.)



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

America's Dog - Day 1

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph

I’ve had a lot of bad ideas in my lifetime, but this might be one of the worst. See, several months ago America’s Dog opened on Randolph, just a couple of blocks from my office. Now, the concept of America’s Dog is that the owners (two brothers) took a road trip after college and drove across the country, eating hot dogs wherever they could be found along the way. They took all their favorites and put them on one menu. So America’s Dog is like 15 different hot dogs from across America. Pretty simple. Incredibly genius. In fact, it kind of makes me mad. How did I not think of this? Well, probably because I didn’t own a car that could be trusted for a trip longer than 50 miles until about 1990-never. Well, my bright idea was to do a weeklong America’s Dog challenge. Kind of like a kick-off to the dog-days of summer (Get it? Dog days? I’m hilarious.).

Here’s how it works: Everyday I’ll head over there for lunch and eat a couple of different dogs and a side item. Each day will be a totally new experience. The only thing that will be constant is the trip to stall #2 everyday around 2:30. That’s the part I’m really looking forward to.

Onto Day 1

I’ve been to America’s Dog a couple of times, so I already know what to expect. Since I’ve already tried a decent selection of the dogs on the menu, I decided to try two new ones. First up, Louisiana Dog.

Hot Dog: The Louisiana Dog
This dog is slathered with BBQ sauce, and then topped with grilled onions and a couple of tomatoes. Oh, let me also say that you have the option of getting a regular-size dog or a jumbo-size dog. For this week (and this week only) I’m going with the regular-size dogs. While I’m not happy about the decision, I’d also like to live to see the end of the week. Loved the BBQ sauce on this dog. It was sweet and tangy. Kind of reminded me of a Kansas City BBQ sauce (and speaking of, how is this not the K.C. Dog?). The onions were perfect. Grilled to perfection, and huge pieces to boot. They weren’t over-cooked and they had a nice flavor to them. I could have done without the tomatoes. They weren’t that big (which I was happy about), but also didn’t add anything to the dog. The nice thing about this dog was that you could really get your hands around it and eat it relatively easily. Some of the dogs here can become a little overwhelming. Kasey (my man-date for this trip) gotta dog with cheese, chili, and more chili, and you could only eat it with a knife and fork. Not the way a hot dog is supposed to be enjoyed. The dogs are also pretty long. If they were a porn star their stage name would be Slim Shady, while the jumbo dog would be Girth Brooks*. The dogs also have a nice flavor to them. Can’t tell if they’re Vienna Beef or Best Kosher or whatever, but either way they’re pretty tasty. Overall, I’ll give the Louisiana Dog a fist bump. Wouldn’t be my first choice in the future, but a solid option none-the-less.

Hot Dog: The Green Bay Dog
This might be the only thing to come from Green Bay that I like. Well, maybe the second thing. Last year I sold a dresser on Craig’s List to a couple from Green Bay, and they were really nice. Upgraded the city from a 0 to a 2 on my scale. Then came the Green Bay Dog. It’s a hot dog with melted cheddar cheese. And not just a little cheese, but a ton of cheese. And not some microwaved slice or shreds, but the kind that you scoop with a ladle. It’s no secret that I love scoopable cheese. And hot dogs. Combine the two? It just made my pants fit a little tighter, if you know what I mean. Green Bay just got upgraded from a 2 to a 5. An easy half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

Side Item: Onion Rings
These were really, really disappointing. I love onion rings. They might be my second favorite side item next to cheese fries. These looked promising. The size of each ring was huge, and I like big food. But they weren’t good. They kind of tasted like the frozen onion rings you get at the store and bake in the oven. They didn’t taste fried enough and weren’t greasy enough. And yes, I’m fat. Just a handshake.

At the end of the day I felt pretty good. Even had an ice-cream cone and a large order of General Tao’s Chicken for dinner. I think that guy from Super Size Me was making all of that “I feel awful when I eat fattening food” thing up. I feel like a could run a tenth of a mile. No problem.

Day 2 coming tomorrow.

*© Sally McCarthy





Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

Odge's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Odge’s Old Fashioned Red Hots
Locations: 730 N. Damen


There are some things in this world that will always make me smile. And here they are:

1. Seeing a guy get hit or kicked or punched in the balls. Always going to make me laugh. Even when I can feel their pain and reach down to make sure my own boys are doing OK, I’m still going to laugh. A person getting hit in the groin was the only reason I watched America’s Funniest Home Videos for so many years. I would sit there for 30 minutes just hoping to see one of those “daughter learning to swing a bat with her Dad then accidentally hitting him you know where causing him to double over and (ideally) fall through the screen door” videos.

2. Midgets are always going to be funny to me. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, they’re always funny. From Mini Me to Mini Kiss to Mini Michael Jackson, I’m gonna laugh.

3. You know what else I’m always going to find funny? Chimps. If they’re funny enough for Clint Eastwood, they’re funny enough for me.

4. Hot dogs. I love hot dogs. I always have. I always will. When I was a kid, I would almost eat nothing but hot dogs. I remember one time when I was visiting my Dad’s family. We were all sitting around the table in the dining room (otherwise known as the dining room table) and some food was put in front of everybody. I saw my plate, and the only thing I had to say was, “I don’t want this, I want a hot dog.” I became infamous for this phrase. For the next 20 years (and to this day, actually) I still get razzed for it. Every time we eat, someone says, “I don’t want this, I want a hot dog.” Then everyone laughs. Except me. Great story, right? I’m glad I took the time to tell it to you. My point is, hot dogs make me smile. And what’s better than having a hot dog wrapped in a bun topped with all the goodies? That’s right, two hotdogs wrapped in a bun topped with all the goodies. This also works for porn movies. And you know who has two hot dogs in a bun? Odge’s. And they cleverly call this a double dog (‘cause there are double the amount of dogs than you’d normally expect). It might be one of the best places to get a hot dog in the city. And not because they have the best dogs, but because the atmosphere there is unbeatable. The guys behind the counter couldn’t be friendlier or more genuine. Whether it’s your first time or you go everyday, somehow the guys behind the counter make you feel like you’re a regular. I’m always going to support places that have great, great service. And that’s Odge’s. Plus they serve double dogs.

5. Melted cheese. And Odge’s has that perfect they-call-it-cheese-but-it’s-probably-not-real-cheese cheese for their cheese fries. It’s thick with a nice cheddar taste. It’s the best cheese-fry cheese in the city. Of course a lot of places have the exact same kind (the same way a lot of places have Heinz ketchup), so maybe it’s more like a tie for the best cheese-fry cheese in the city. Either way, I love it.

6. Porn.

7. Chocolate will always make me smile, and the chocolate shake at Odge’s is pretty good. Not great, not awful, but pretty good. Kind of like their hot dogs.

8. Dick jokes and bathroom humor. What can I say; I’m 29 going on 14.

9. The feel of a neighborhood joint. And that’s Odge’s. A great neighborhood joint. Is it the kind of place you’d travel miles for? No. Is it the kind of place that you’re lucky and thankful for that it’s in your neighborhood? Yes. Could I devour a double dog, cheese fries and a chocolate shake everyday? Without a doubt.

10. Swingers. The movie, obviously. One of the best movies ever made, and it never fails to deliver no matter when I watch it or how many times I watch it. The best is when I haven’t seen it for a long time, so I forget just a little bit how good it is, and then I pop it in and remember why it is one of my all-time favorite movies.

11. Swingers. The wife swapping kind, obviously. And it doesn’t make me smile because I’m into wife swapping and having sex with other people. It’s because it sounds like this great, exotic, orgy filled, sexy lifestyle, except then you see the type of people who typically are swingers (I’ve watched a lot of Real Sex on HBO, and in liquor stores you’ll sometimes stumble across swingers magazines that are basically classifieds with pictures) and you’re amazed that they can convince one person to have sex with them, let alone multiple partners.

12. mmmmmm, donuts.


The list goes on and on, so I’ll just stop there. The only other thing I want to say about Odge’s is that I’m always disappointed in the chili. I want it to be better, but it just isn’t that great. But then again, it’s chili, so as long as it’s edible, I’m gonna eat it every time.

Overall, I’ll give Odge’s a fist bump. The food isn’t the best hot dog stand around (and probably not even the best in the neighborhood), but the people make it great. And I’m a people person. I’m also a lazy person, and it’s a short walk from where I live.



Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

The Feast and The Furious

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



There were a bunch of places I’ve been meaning to review, so I decided to “act like gonorrhea and burn, baby, burn” right through them.



Restaurant: Bongo Room
Locations: 1152 S. Wabash and 1470 N. Milwaukee


Is there anything that hasn’t been said about Bongo Room? Seriously, who doesn’t know about this place? Well, just in case, let’s get through this. Best breakfast place in the city. I would eat here everyday if the waits weren’t totally insane. On the weekend, expect to stand outside at least an hour (and in the winter, this is not fun) at the Wicker Park location. There is good shopping around, so you can usually slip away for 45 minutes then come back. I’d recommend you check out the South Loop location (still busy) because they have a coffee bar, so you can stand inside and have a cup of joe while you wait. Everything on the menu is great, so you really can’t go wrong. I almost always order their Chocolate Tower of French Toast. Then I pick up the cell phone, call for an ambulance, and wait for them to shoot me in the heart with a shot of adrenaline to revive me from my diabetic shock. And if you don’t like chocolate for breakfast, then the seasonal pancakes (like the pumpkin ones in the fall) are to die for (that could be the gayest thing I’ve ever said). Or get something else and a side of pancakes. Or do it tapas style and order a bunch of stuff and have the table share everything. Anyway, best brunch in the city. I’ll go ahead and say it – this is my favorite place in the city (WARNING: the choco French toast is not offered during the week).

Half Handshake, half chest-bump hug.




Restaurant: Toast
Locations: 746 W. Webster and 2046 N. Damen


We tend to head to Toast when Bongo Room is packed. But, that doesn’t really solve the problem since the waits at Toast are usually just as bad. Um, I think this place is just OK. It’s good, and I don’t mind going, but it’s not like I ever have a craving to eat here. My advice is to get the breakfast burrito (which is actually awesome) and then get a side of pancakes for two bucks. And it’s a lot of pancake.

Fist bump.




Restaurant: Moonshine
Location: 1824 W. Division


Love the atmosphere of this place. Especially in the summer, when you can sit outside on the sidewalk café, enjoy a cold beer, and watch the Wicker Park “hipsters” (for the record, I live in the area (obviously, since every review is a place within a mile of Wicker Park, which I apologize for) and I hate it when every time I read a reference of Wicker Park, it comes with the obligatory “hipster” tag. Come on, there are five yuppies to every hipster. Let’s stop kidding ourselves. This is officially Lincoln Park West.). The food is pretty average, but in a good way. It’s one of those dependable default neighborhood places where you go because you know what you’re getting, but you just want a great place to hang out and get out of the house. Pizza is decent (try spinach and garlic), burgers are OK, breakfast/brunch is surprisingly good (which, by the way, they have like a $1 menu for (which is actually just the side item menu, but you can make it work like a dollar menu), making it easy to get a breakfast dish, then a side of pancakes and eggs for like $8 total. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Fist bump with a manly ass slap (gets the extra half star because it’s a great place to hang out morning, noon, or night).




Restaurant: Just Baked Foods
Location: 901 N. Damen


Relatively new place. More of a deli than a restaurant. They serve five sandwiches daily, and a couple of soups. They have a ton of side items sitting in a deli case, and other pre-prepared meals that you can take home and cook/warm up yourself. I believe it’s supposed to be a place that allows you to feel like a big time cook at home. Love the idea, love the concept, the sandwiches were decent and felt super sophisticated, but the place is expensive, so be warned. Every time I go there I just get a couple of things (like two sandwiches and some bread, or some dips and a soup) and always spend upwards of $30. Huge upside is that Caesar’s Deli (which used to occupy the space) still has perogi’s available. Well worth the trip for that alone.

Fist bump and a manly ass slap.




Restaurant: Cleos
Location: 1935 W. Chicago


Great spot. A favorite of mine. Surprisingly good food for a “bar” or “joint”. And they have daily specials (like the rib special, which I think is on Thursdays), where you get a half slab of ribs for $5. And they’re awesome. Burgers are great, barbeque chicken is really good. Just a really good, unique selection of food. My only complaint is that it is really smoky here. But the food is so good it’s worth getting cancer for (cancer isn’t funny, but you get the point).

Chest bump.




Restaurant: InnJoy
Location: 2051 W. Division


Another place that’s great to go for drinks in the middle of the day or late at night. They play their music loud, so you can’t talk, but it’s always a nice challenge to try and convince a girl to sleep with you while you’re screaming in her ear. The burgers are really good, and the place is really smoky at night. The secret booths in the back are a nice little getaway, and there is a rumored room in the basement (which you get to through the stairs next to the bar) that has a pool table and what not. But, if you get boomflopped while trying to go down there, don’t blame me.

Fist bump.




Restaurant: Mickey’s
Location: 525 N. Harlem – Oak Park


Just wanted to give a shout out to my old high school grease joint. Great gyros, great Big Mickey’s, great Lake Michigan’s, and great specials (I go with the 3 hot dog special, and a large milkshake). Anytime I’m in the area, I make a trip.

Chest bump.




Restaurant: Fan si Pan
Location: 1618 W. Chicago


Vietnamese. Very simple menu – apps, sandwiches. But, they have fried green beans. And the sandwiches have an interesting flavor that I loved, but wish there was more meat on them (although I stopped by as they were trying to close, and they may have only had so much meat left). And they have fried green beans.

Fist bump. A good alternative to have to the normal sandwiches you find at other places.