America's Dog - Day 3

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph


Day 3

It’s official. These aren’t hot dogs, they’re energy bars. I had another great run this morning, and the morning runs when I was finished. The Louisiana Dog is now the PowerBar Dog. The Green Bay Dog is now the Clif Bar Dog. The Dallas Dog is the Zone Bar Dog. And so on. I really do feel great. No heartburn, no stomachaches, no sluggishness, no nothin’. I think America’s Dog should become an official part of the Chicago Marathon training process.

Three days in and I think my biggest problem with America’s Dog is the cost. Everyday I get two hot dogs and a side item and it’s impossible for me to walk out of there without paying under $7. Just seems like a little much for a hot dog place. Back in my day (once you hit 30 I think you can pull out the “back in my day” routine) you could get two hot dogs and a side of fries for $3. In fact, I think you can still do this at Mickey’s in Oak Park. Don’t get me wrong, the variety and quality of the dogs are worth it, but it still doesn’t feel right.

For today’s excursion I was joined by Rex and JT. Now, I’ve been a little critical of whether or not all the hot dogs are authentic to their host cities, so having JT there was nice. He’s from North Carolina, and the second he saw the Charleston Dog he made a comment about how right on it was. “Just like we do it back home.” So now I feel better about the whole thing. And with that knowledge and the fact I was with someone from N.C. it seems like ordering the Charleston Dog (which is covered in cole slaw) would have made sense, but of course I didn’t. The majority of the lunchtime conversation revolved around The Deadliest Catch, which apparently is a TV show on the discovery channel that documents how guys risk their lives to catch crabs for a living. If I had known I could have made a career out of catching crabs I would have never left college. HI-YO! Anyway, the show follows a bunch of fisherman who cruise the Barren Straits fishing for crab. Supposedly it’s one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. Sounds like fun, except the exact opposite. If you’ve ever seen the movie The Perfect Storm, it’s a lot like that, except in colder water, with more danger, and crabs instead of fish. At first I wasn’t sure why anyone would risk their lives for a job like that, but then I realized that I would probably risk my life for an unlimited supply of hot dogs, so I can relate.

Oh, and thanks to Rex I’m now going to refer to this “event” as me doing it Doggy Style all week.

Hot Dog: The San Francisco Dog
You know how I’m skeptical of how authentic these dogs are (and if you’re not familiar then you must have skipped the last paragraph)? Well, here’s one reason why: on the website they call this the Cosmic Dog. I’m beginning to think they just thought of good hot dog combos and randomly assigned cities to them. The San Fran/Cosmic Dog has chili, mustard, ketchup, relish, pickle, tomato, shredded cheddar cheese, and celery salt. It sounds like a mess of dog, and it was. It was hard to keep in one piece and I ended up with chili and other ingredients all over my hand. But other than that it was a great dog. I expected all the ingredients to compete with each other and the whole thing to taste like a garbage disposal, but it was really good. An easy chest bump.

Hot Dog: The Baltimore Dog
What if I told you that you could get a hot dog that was deep-fried then topped with melted cheddar cheese and grilled onions. Is that something you might be interested in? Well, it was something I was interested in. You might need earmuffs for this, but this hot dog almost made me finish in my pants. I’ve consumed god knows how many hot dogs in my life, and I think I might consider this the best one I’ve ever had. Now, I know that’s saying a lot, but hear me out. It’s a hot dog – but deep-fried. Then it’s topped with cheese – but scoopable cheese. And then onions – but grilled onions. It’s the greatest combo I could ever imagine. The best versions of the best ingredients. Look at it like this. Kobe Bryant is a hot dog. Just a great player that’s one of the best in the game. But a fried hot dog? That’s Michael Jordan. LeBron might be cheese, but Magic was scoopable cheese. Dirk might be onions (he definitely smells like them with the way he stunk up the joint in the first round), but Bird is grilled onions. This isn’t a Hall of Fame hot dog; it’s the greatest-of-all-time hot dog. I have no choice but to give it the famous HJ ranking.

Side Item: Cheese Sticks
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OK, they weren’t that bad, but I like a really gooey cheese stick (shocker), and these weren’t melted. It was basically a warm, breaded string cheese. They were better than the onion rings, but still nothing special. High five.




Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.