Big Mac - The Sandwich with a Song

The Sandwich with a Song

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug - 5 stars
Chest bump - 4 stars
First bump - 3 stars
High five - 2 stars
Handshake - 1 star
Manly ass slap - 1/2 star
Fone and fone - 0 stars


Restaurant: McDonald’s
Location: 1420 Hampton

About a month ago McDonald’s came out and said they were giving away 10,000 bottles of Special Sauce at participating McDonald’s. And as a man with a healthy appetite and an even healthier love of Big Mac’s, I wanted one. So I downloaded their ridiculously pointless messaging app, found out where in St. Louis they were giving away the bottles, and then decided that it was too much effort to get in my car and go get one. Yes, I’m that lazy.

Now, the reason they were giving away the limited-edition bottles was because they were launching two new versions of the Big Mac - the Mac Jr. and the Grand Mac. And along with these new sandwiches came a campaign that declared “There’s a Big Mac for that.” And I decided to find out whether or not that was true.

To make sure everything was on the up-and-up, I create some rules to this journey and then followed said rules. First, I wanted to eat each of the Big Mac sandwiches, starting with the original to help level-set before trying the other two. I didn’t want to eat all of the sandwiches in one sitting, or even on the same day, because I have enough bowel issues in my life. But I wanted my experience with each to be as similar as possible, so I made sure to get each burger from the same McDonald’s at the same time each day. And I would do this for 3 consecutive days eating one version of The Mac each day. This scientific method was incredibly sound, and the only mistake I made was the McDonald’s that I chose. It’s the one on Hampton in St. Louis, between highways 40 and 44. And it is awful. And I mean truly fucking awful. Do you know what’s the only thing worse than eating at an awful McDonald’s? Doing it three days in a row.

As you’ll quickly learn I’ve had my fair share of Big Mac’s over the years, so I know what their potential is when they are prepared perfectly. And I know what their basement is when they’re slapped together without a care in the world. That’s why it was important for me to start with the classic and then eat the other two at the same McDonald’s each day. Because let’s say their Big Mac is a 6 out of 10. Well, I know that a Big Mac is usually a 12 out of 10, so by starting with the classic I’m able to calibrate all of my reviews accordingly. It’s like starting with some easy questions and then some over-the-top questions with a lie-detector test. By doing that you’re able to set the baseline. Like I said, I was super scientific with this shit.


DAY 1 - The Big Mac

Price: $5.50 for the Big Mac + Large Drink
Calories: 540
Fat: 28g
Protein: 25g
Glutens: GTFOH



When i was a kid I was a pretty picky eater. In fact, there were very few things I would eat. Cereal, hot dogs with only ketchup, cheese pizza, pickles, cookies, burgers, fries, and peanut butter and jelly. And that was pretty much it. Of course there were variations that I’d venture into, like having a bagel dog instead of a hot dog. But otherwise I didn’t veer off the path very much. And when I say “when I was a kid” I mean all the way until I got to college.



Now, while I was a picky eater there was one unexpected thing I would actually eat (and am pretty sure I’m the only person who has ever eaten it) - braunschweiger and Miracle Whip (not mayo) with pickles on a Chicago-style french roll. The point is, I would never, ever try anything new.

I remember one time when my mom tried to make me eat pizza with mushrooms on it and I had a panic attack and just started crying uncontrollably. Which didn’t stop my mom, of course. She made me take a bite anyway. And then I threw up. Another time she brought home a Big Mac to make me try it and once again I started crying. This time she knew better than to try and make me take a bite. Keep in mind that I think I was 16 when she brought home that Big Mac. Needless to say I didn’t date much in high school.

So it wasn’t until college when I actually tried a Big Mac, and I did it then only because the McDonald’s on campus at Mizzou had a Tuesday special where you could get 10 cheeseburgers for $10 or 2 Big Macs for $3. And not one to ever pass up a deal, I decided to finally try a Big Mac. And I fell in love immediately. It was just the best fucking sandwich I’d ever eaten. When you got it hot and the cheese was melting and the ingredients were perfectly balanced and the Special Sauce was oozing out of the sides, it was life-changing. Tuesday became my favorite day of the week. Again, I didn’t date much. You should also know that every Tuesday I would get 2 Big Macs and 10 cheeseburgers and would eat all of it in a sitting. I miss the days of having the metabolism of a 19 year old. As I grew up and matured I cut back on the cheeseburgers and would just get two large #1 Value Meals and a side of two cheeseburgers (for those not familiar with math, that’s 2 Big Macs, 2 large fries, 2 large sodas, and 2 cheeseburgers. And to be clear, there was one more #2 involved after eating all of that.).

But back to the Big Mac on this day. A Big Mac gives me comfort. Sure, it gives me joy and happiness and a full belly, but what I love most about it is the comfort it gives me. Because the Big Mac hasn’t changed since it was invented. How many other sandwiches out there have their very own song? (Spoiler alert: none that are worth a shit). So in this day and age where everything changes so quickly, technology advances daily, kids are growing up and are taking over my life, and our government is a disaster (IMO), sinking my teeth into a Big Mac can take me back to a simpler time, even if only for a minute.

But the Big Mac from the McDonald’s at 1420 Hampton Avenue didn’t exactly take me back. Because it was quite possibly the worst Big Mac I’ve ever had. Ever. That being said, it was still a Big Mac, which means it still had the Special Sauce, which means it still tasted pretty good, because the Special Sauce can pretty much make up for anything. You know that scene in The Sandlot when Smalls comes out and plays with them the first time and he is quite literally the worst baseball player ever? Well, that was this Big Mac. But then remember how Benny then sent him out to center and Benny hit a high pop-up that landed directly into Smalls’ glove, making up for just how bad the kid was and instantly turning a horrible baseball player into a legit 1-tool player? That’s Special Sauce. That’s what it’s capable of. It’s the “The Jet” of the condiment world.

Did this Big Mac have too much bun and not enough burger? Yes. Was the bun of this Big Mac stale and crispy in the worst possible ways maybe the worst hamburger bun I’ve ever eaten? No, but it was definitely in the top 5. Was the “100% all beef” patty hot? No. Was it warm? Not really. Was it so room temperature that the cheese never even melted? Yes. And really that’s all you need to know about a Big Mac. Take a look at the cheese as you open up that glorious cardboard box. If the cheese is still a perfect square sticking out of the sides and hasn’t softened at all, then prepare yourself for one gigantic turd burger.

Quick tangent: I know that this is McDonald’s, and that McDonald’s has been doing their shit the same way since a million years ago, but their patties are embarrassing. It’s like a thin piece of rubber that happens to be colored the same way my son’s undies are when he has the flu. Sometimes I forget about just how bad they are. Thank god this terrible McDonald’s was able to remind me. Needless to say, this three day exploration wasn’t off to the best start.


DAY 2 - The Mac Jr.

Price: $6 for two Mac Jr’s + Large Drink
Calories: 460 per sandwich (so 920 total)
Fat: 27g (54g total)
Protein: 21g (42g total - got totally ripped after eating this)
Glutens: Eat a D

Fuck this sandwich.

That should be my entire review. Years ago I worked for one of McDonald’s ad agencies. This was during the time when sliders were first becoming a thing, and the team pitched the idea of Big Mac sliders. You’d get two of them in a box, or maybe 3 depending how you made them and the size of the box. Anyway, they would have been great. The whole idea is it would have been exactly like a Big Mac, except a third in diameter. Or circumference. Or both. I’m not sure how the math works out. Either way, you’d open up the box and just see these tiny, adorable Big Macs, except they’d be called Mini Macs. But it was rejected because they said it would ruin the equity of the Big Mac or some shit. Make it feel less special. Then years go by and they decide to give it a shot and make a couple different sizes of the Big Mac and instead of adorable Mini Mac sliders we get this piece of shit called Mac Jr.

This thing was basically a cheeseburger with Big Mac toppings, and that’s me being kind. There was waaaaaay too much lettuce, not enough onions, not enough Special Sauce, and the sesame seed count was way off (just kidding). The point is, the proportions weren’t right and there’s only one patty. Honestly, it’s nothing like a Big Mac, which defeats the purpose. And one Jr. isn’t that filing, so then I had to eat the second one just to satisfy my appetite. Eating the second one was like the hate fuck of burgers. On the plus side the bun wasn’t stale. So there’s that.




DAY 3 - The Grand Mac

Price: $6.50 for the Grand Mac + Large Drink
Calories: 860
Fat: 52g (giant emoji eyes go here)
Protein: 41g
Glutens: I’m not sure, my heart literally exploded

As Jim Gordon famously said, “This is the Big Mac Gotham deserves.” Or something like that.

This was the perfect finish to my three day Mac-fest. The Grand Mac is made with 1/3 lb patties, which for McDonald’s doesn’t mean the patty is really any thicker, it just means it’s bigger around (let’s not get into the diameter/circumference discussion now, because I already opened up wikipedia and gave up). It really opened up my eyes to just how bad McDonald’s burger patties are. Other chains have figured out a way to make their burgers a little thicker or a little juicer, or both, but McD’s has someone gone backwards with theirs. They’re worse than ever.

But the burger did live up to the name. The moment you open the box you can definitely tell the difference in size from a regular Big Mac. It’s not, “Holy shit, how am I going to eat all of that” big, but more, “Damn, that’s definitely a Grand Mac” big. If you ask me, the Grand Mac should become the new standard size of the Big Mac. All the ingredients were proportioned out correctly, and with it’s size what you really get is more burger, more bun, and more Special Sauce. Which are the three heroes of the Big Mac. They don’t try and add on a bunch of extra lettuce or onions or pickles to get in the way. After eating the lettuce-laden Mac Jr. I was worried they’d find a way to screw up the Grand Mac as well, but I’m happy to report they didn’t.

f I have one complaint it’s that there was actually a little too much bun. By the time I got to the end of the burger portion of the meal I still had about an 1/8th or so of the bun left over, which is too much. To me it seems like the best solution would be to use 1/2 lb patties instead to compensate for the size of the bun. The Granddaddy Mac.

But you know what the Grand Mac did have? Cheese that was melted. It’s really all I want from my cheese on a burger. And it took three days for me to get it.

So if you’re keeping score at home, my rankings go like this:

Grand Mac (at this terrible McDonald’s): Chest bump - which likely equates to a half handshake, half chest-bump hug, with a manly ass slap for good measure, at a good McDonald’s.

Big Mac (at this terrible McDonald’s): First bump with a manly ass slap, which probably equates to a chest bump and manly ass slap good McDonald’s.

Mac Jr. (at this terrible McDonald’s): Fone and Fone, and as far as I’m concerned, there’s no saving this god forsaken burger.

But wait, there’s more!


DAY 4 - The Big (Delicious) Mac

Price: No idea, but I’m sure I could break out the cost detail from the grocery shopping if I wasn’t so lazy.
Calories: My best estimation based on the lean meat, mayo I chose, and buns we used (warning: I didn’t use sesame seed buns) is 655 calories.
Fat: Don’t care
Protein: Ditto
Glutens: This joke that I thought was funny got old two sandwiches ago

This all started with a discussion I was having with my friend Steve at the airport in Austin. We were waxing poetic on our love of the Big Mac, but neither of us had tried the two new sizes. So I promised him I would and then write all about it.

But, what he also revealed to me is that he had recently made his own Big Mac, since the ingredients and prep work is easily found online these days. So after having 3 straight days of Big Macs I decided that one more day was needed.

For the Special Sauce recipe, I used a tutorial from one of McDonald’s head chefs (which you can find using something called Google and/or Youtube). Now, while he shares with you the ingredients, he doesn’t specify proportions, so you have to guess a little bit. I was really happy how mine turned out, but I admittedly had too much mustard in the mix. What I did learn is that making a Big Mac at home is really easy, and really worth it.

Mine turned out great (duh), and because I made the patties normal burger size and not McDonald’s plastic puck size, the Big (Delicious) Mac was extra juicy and extra filling. And for my wife I actually ended up making her a Mac Jr, since she didn’t want to deal with the massive stack of double patties and the extra bun in the middle. And it was perfect. Even better than mine. Just the exact right balance of all the ingredients, and you didn’t have to deal with trying to eat a massive Big (Delicious) Mac before it fell apart in your hands.

So there you have it. 4 days. 5 total Big Macs. 2,975 calories. 134+ grams of fat. One overworked toilet. And one extremely happy man.