Operation: Heat Attack

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Well, as I said last time (which is like a month ago now), my cholesterol is through the roof. My wife is concerned, and insisted that I go on a diet to try and lower it. I had no choice. I had to agree. But, before I did, I went on one last binge to see if I could induce a heart attack as a way of getting out of the diet.


Restaurant: CHUCK A BURGER
Location: 9025 St. Charles Rock Road

Operation: Heart Attack started at Chuck A Burger. Never heard of it? Neither had I, until I ate there one fateful Friday. Since moving to this godforsaken city my buddy Neuman has been insisting that I go to Massas and to get the Bills’ Special pizza and the Italian salad with house dressing. He claims it’s his favorite pizza in the city, and one of his favorite places to eat in general. The problem is that the location isn’t exactly convenient, located right off of Lindberg near the airport. It isn’t very often I make my way up that direction. But on this day I finally decided to head there for lunch. And guess what, they’re not open for lunch (and by the looks of the place, I’m not sure how they’re open, period.). Great. You’re now dead to me Massas. Sorry Neuman, but I will never make a trip up there for dinner, so I, and the rest of the world, will just have to take your word for it.

The real problem here is that I dragged Jeff and Kelly along with me, so now not only was I missing out on lunch, but they were too. So we had to find an alternative between Massas and the office. I started driving down St. Charles Rock Road and was looking for a little place called Taqueria el Jalapeno. I had read some good things about it awhile back and figured this would be a good time to check it out. I finally saw it on my left, and was getting ready to turn in, but Jeff and Kelly were less than thrilled about the idea, so we kept going. And just down the road, there it was, Chuck A Burger. Jeff vouched for it and said he hadn’t been in years. And it looked like an old-school drive in, total dive, nothing-sanitary-about-it burger place. So of course I had to check it out.

There are apparently two locations (the one we went to, and one out in St. Charles), and back in the day there were like eight scattered around town. When you pull in you have the choice of the drive-in lanes, where you can park the car and get serviced right there in the parking lot (and before you get excited about getting “serviced” in the parking lot, let me be clear, the servers aren’t remotely attractive. At least not on that day.), or you can park your car and head into the diner, which is what we did.

The place feels like it hasn’t changed since the 50’s, it’s decorated in classic 50’s and 60’s imagery, and even has a photo of the St. Louis Hawks (yep, that’s right, there used to be an NBA team in St. Louis, and in their 13 seasons here they won more titles than the Blues have won in their 40+ seasons here, which, for some reason, makes me smile). This was my kind of place. Knowing that I was on a mission to attempt to induce death, I tried to get the unhealthiest things on the menu. For starters, I got the cheese cubes (which are just fried cheddar cheese), and Jeff and I shared the Frito Pie (Fritos, cheese, chili, and jalapeños). Both were delicious, but I’d have to give the edge to the cheese cubes. Fried perfectly, and that perfect kind of sharp cheddar that’s got a little bit of bite to it, but not overpowering.

For my entrée I went with the Double Hollywood Chuck. It’s two burger patties, cheese, other toppings, and Thousand Island dressing. I didn’t know what to expect from the burgers. For some reason I was expecting thick and juicy, but they’re pretty similar to a Carl’s burger or Steak-N-Shake burger. But here’s the thing – this was way better than Carl’s. And I like Carl’s. These burger patties had a spice and flavor to them that Carl’s lacks. Every single bite was fantastic. In fact, I’d argue that the Thousand Island actually hurt the burger, because it took away from the flavor of the meat. Every bite made me more and more embarrassed that I’d never heard of Chuck A Burger before. Hell, I’ve lived in St. Louis twice now, and this is the first time I’d heard of it, let alone been to it. People go on and on about Carl’s, but I think it’s because they don’t know about Chuck. But after reading this, they will. Well, at least four or five more people will. Baby steps, baby steps.

As a side I got the Cajun Cheese Fries, and they were as good as they sound (assuming they sound good to you). And too wash it all down I got a Cherry Coke from the fountain. Diet, of course.

Chuck A Burger was the perfect start to Operation: Heart Attack. And the perfect start to a one-hour bowel movement I had later that day. Half handshake, half chest-bump hug.



Restaurant: Fortel’s Pizza Den
Location: 7932 Mackenzie Road

When we lived in South City back in the day pizza was a Sunday staple for us. And we’d either order Papa John’s (mostly for the breadsticks) or Fortel’s. Since moving back we hadn’t been, but Operation: Heart Attack seemed like the right time to make a triumphant return.

I ordered a large pepperoni and pepperoncini pizza, garlic breadsticks, and a small side salad (mostly to taste the “famous” house salad, and so my wife could pretend she was being healthy).

The breadsticks were better than I remember, and maybe that’s because we never ordered them before. I forget what we used to get from here, but you’d think I’d remember these things. Perfectly hot and soft and garlicky and buttery all at once. My only complaint is that an order only comes with three, which left me with only two, and my wife with one. I could have used two more for myself, if not more.

The salad tasted like salad, only not as good. And frankly I’m not sure why their “famous” house dressing is so “famous”. I had one bite and moved back to the breadsticks.

But, we’re not here to talk about breadsticks and salad. We’re here to talk about pizza. Delicious, unhealthy pizza. I forgot how much I love Fortel’s. It’s like Herm Edwards walked into an Imo’s (or Cecil Whittaker’s, or any other STL style pizza place), saw the thin crust cut into squares and yelled out, “We can build on this!!!” Fortel’s took the things that are acceptable about STL pizza (thin, so you can eat a lot, cut into squares so you can make pizza sandwiches), and got rid of the things that are unacceptable (Provel cheese). And the result is a really good pizza. Fortel’s has some assortment of spices on top of their pizza that gives it a little kick that really puts it over the top. It’s not so “hot” that it’s unenjoyable, but it’s just enough to add a little bit of flavor and make it different from the other pizzas in the city. Add some pepperoni and pepperoncinis on top of that and you have a world of spiciness that limited my wife’s consumption, increasing mine. I love it when a plan comes together.

I think I can say that Fortel’s is my 4th favorite pizza in St. Louis, right behind Katie’s, Cicero’s, and Pointer’s. Chest Bump.


Restaurant: Boardwalk Cafe
Location: 600 East Lockwood


Our nanny called in sick one day, so I had to stay home for the morning to take care of my son. With no real idea on how to be a parent or how you’re supposed to entertain a kid for a couple hours it seemed like a good time to check out Boardwalk Café. It would kill several birds with one stone. We’d get in a walk on the way there, get some food, see some trucks driving up and down the street (you’d be amazed how long a kid will stare and shout at trucks), and then get in another walk on the way home.

Boardwalk Café boasts that they have the “Best Breakfast in Town” and the “Best Pancakes and French Toast in Town”. I love when restaurants or companies make broad general claims that can’t be technically disproved so they can legally say it even though it’s most likely not really true. I believe it’s because you can’t really define what the word “best” means. Like I could say, “The Cubs are the Best Team in the World”, and you could argue that I’m wrong, because they haven’t won a World Series in a couple of years. But I’d argue I’m right because to me “best” doesn’t simply mean winning or losing, it takes into account the fans, ballpark, experience, hot dogs, players, etc… So yeah, I don’t put a lot of faith into anyplace that says they are the “best”. I put all that faith into me. I decide who’s the best.

I was in the mood for a Country Skillet Breakfast, so I ordered the Arch Skillet. It comes with hash browns topped with sausage, onion, pepper, tomato, jalapeno, Monterey Jack and cheddar cheese, and two eggs. As far as Operation: Heart Attack was concerned, this thing fit the bill. However, I wasn’t real happy when it was brought to the table. It didn’t even come in a skillet. That’s the whole point of a skillet breakfast – you get to eat out of a skillet. But they took it from the skillet and served it on a plate. Booooooo. Lucky for them it was still really good. Just a nice mix of ingredients. Nothing fancy, just good, home cookin’. You really couldn’t have asked for anything more, other than more of it. While I love when people fancy-up dishes (like Bongo Room does with pancakes, for example), there’s something to be said for a dish that delivers at the most basic level, and this one does. I just need to convince them to serve it in the skillet.

I also ordered the blueberry pancakes for my son. He didn’t take a bite. Meaning that either they weren’t the best in town, or that he wasn’t hungry. As his father, you’d think I know which one it was, but I didn’t. So I had a bite myself. Not the “Best in Town”. Not terrible, but far from the “best”.

I will be making some return trips in the future, once I get this whole cholesterol thing fixed. Fist bump with a manly ass slap.



Restaurant: Five Guys
Location: 1070 Town and Country Crossing

If you haven’t heard of Five Guys than you’re either living under a rock, or in another country. Or both. It’s a burger joint that makes burgers, more burgers, and allegedly the most delicious fries you’re tongue will ever taste. I first heard of Five Guys about a year ago when one opened up in Lincoln Park. A friend told me I “had to check it out”, even though I had just moved to St. Louis and you’d have to be serving hard-core porn on a bun for me to make that drive. Then other friends kept bringing up Five Guys and claimed it was absolutely amazing. Two opened out in Chesterfield not too long ago and more people were harping on me to check it out. But again, it was in Chesterfield, and the aforementioned porn burger would have to be available for me to make that drive (BTW, I think if I opened a restaurant I would actually create a porn burger. I think it would be a open-faced tuna steak, topped with roast beef, then slathered with enough mayo to make it incredibly sloppy.).

Lucky for Five Guys I ended up having a meeting out in Chesterfield, so I stopped by for lunch first.

I ordered the cheeseburger (which comes with two patties), a hot dog, and both the Cajun fries and regular fries.

Now people have been literally barking in my ear about how good the burgers and fries were, and that the experience would make me finish in my pants, and that Five Guys had possibly the best burgers around.

Kind of wrong, totally wrong, completely wrong.

Maybe it was the hype and maybe my expectations were too high, but Five Guys certainly didn’t live up to the billing. It was good, and if it wasn’t such a hike I’d go back, but it wasn’t great or amazing.

The burger was tasty, but I was expecting a nice, juicy, fat, mouth-watering, heart-attack-inducing burger. Instead I got a pretty typical fast food burger. Sure it was made fresh, and you could definitely taste the difference, but there really wasn’t anything more to it than that. The customizable toppings were nice, but again, nothing to blow my socks off (probably because I wasn’t wearing socks). It really is just a good fast food burger, and nothing more than that.

And the fries are pretty good. As long as they’re hot. The moment they cool off a bit they are very, very average.

I won’t even talk about the hot dog, which was one of the worst hot dogs I’ve ever had. But I will talk about the service, which was phenomenal. Just the nicest, friendliest people who will talk you through the order and encourage you to take your time, even if there are 20 people waiting to order behind you.

So yeah, I think I was expecting some unique, amazing burger joint, and really it’s just a good fast food place without the drive thru. Fist bump.



Restaurant: Highway 61 Roadhouse
Location: 34 S. Old Orchard Ave.


I’m not gonna lie, it’s taken me like four weeks to write this because of work, traveling, being married with a kid, the NBA playoffs, laziness, and other reasons I don’t care to mention, so in order to just get this done, I’m gonna keep this short and sweet.

I loved Roadhouse. The outdoor patio is great. They have live music almost every night. The food is good old-fashion comfort food. And there’s plenty of beer.

The shrimp kabobs were good, because they were wrapped in a bacon-like substance. But it only came with like 6 shrimp, which wasn’t nearly enough for an appetizer.

I had the shrimp Po’ Boy, which was huge and spicy and delicious. And the waffle fries, which are pretty hard to screw up. We also ordered the mac and cheese (average) and the cream corn soufflé (which had the same effect on me as finding out Bruce Willis was dead at the end of 6th Sense).

A chest bump, and nearly a manly ass slap thrown in there, but had to deduct for the mac and cheese and kabobs.



So, when it was all said and done Operation: Heart Attack was a huge success. I discovered some great new places, confirmed some over hyping of other places, and was able to stop my heart twice. Not too shabby.


To recap:

Chuck A Burger: Half handshake, half chest-bump hug
Fortel’s Pizza Den: Chest Bump
Boardwalk Café: Fist bump with a manly ass slap
Five Guys: Fist bump
Roadhouse: Chest bump