Victory's Banner

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: Victory’s Banner
Location: 2100 W. Roscoe


At the end of “Ghostbusters”, Gozer asks the guys to “choose the form of the destructor”. Peter realizes that whatever, or whoever, they think of will be the thing that comes and destroys them. So they all clear their heads of any thoughts. So nothing can come kill them. But then, out of nowhere, is the most terrifying beast imaginable – The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Ray explains that he “tried to think of the most harmless thing…something that could never, ever possibly destroy us.”

Well, if I were in Ray’s position I would have been thinking about the French toast at Victory’s Banner. It’s, by far, the best French toast I’ve ever had. Just giant, soft, gooey, sweet pieces of syrup covered goodness. Even Gozer couldn’t convince them to hurt a soul.

By the way, how bad am I dating myself with a “Ghostbusters” reference? And as another random tangent, who was more of a comedic genius – Bill Murray or Chevy Chase? Everyone quickly says Bill Murray, but I think a big reason for that is because of Bill Murray’s longetivity (which does count for something). He was funny back in the late 70’s/early 80’s, and is still funny today (thanks in large part to his resurrection courtesy of Wes Anderson). And since we’re such a “what have you done for me lately” society, we quickly dismiss the question as ridiculous. But let’s take a closer look, shall we.


HIGHEST POINT

Chevy Chase:
1985. I realize it was over 20 years ago, but that’s the year that “Fletch”, “European Vacation”, and “Spies Like Us” came out. Look at that list again. Most comedic actors don’t have three movies that good in their entire career, and Chevy did it in one year. It’s an amazing accomplishment. At that time most people thought he was just hitting stride, nowhere near hitting his peak. But looking back that’s exactly what 1985 was. Sure, he had some great movies in the years that followed, but nothing ever came close to 1985. And really, he didn’t have that many great movies after ’85.

Bill Murray:
You’d think 2004, since that’s the year he won a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Oscar. Which is amazing, because if you were a betting man, even a compulsive one like my buddy Larry, in the 80’s you never would have put money on “Bill Murray will be nominated for an Oscar some day”. But we’re talking about being a comedic genius, not a good actor. And “Lost In Translation” wasn’t funny. Sure, it had funny moments, but nobody would confuse it with a comedy. So we can’t count 2004. I’d say 1998/1999. “Rushmore” came out and kind of put Bill Murray back on the map. And the weird thing is he never really fell off the map (the way Chevy did), but “Rushmore” really made people realize that Bill could do more than classic slapstick comedy, and could do more intelligent things. And not just because it was funny, but because he was a good enough actor to make it funny yet believable. He even got a Golden Globe nomination for the role. It was after this performance that he got the chance to do something similar in “Royal Tenenbaums”, which then led to “Lost in Translation”, which then led to the Oscar. So I would consider “Rushmore” his highest point.



LOWEST POINT

Chevy Chase:
“The Chevy Chase Show”. I don’t think I have to say much else about it. If you never saw it, be thankful. If you don’t believe me, go youtube it. Just miserable. And he never really recovered from it. The only decent (and I use that word lightly) movie he made after that was “Vegas Vacation”.

Bill Murray:
I’m going to have to say “Garfield” for many reasons. 1) Because I hate Garfield. 2) He had to know that Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Love Hewitt were both involved, and yet he still agreed to do it. 3) This came after “Rushmore”, “Royal”, and “Lost”. How do you do those tree movies, have all the momentum in the world, and still feel the need to collect a paycheck by doing the voice for this movie? And then agree to do a second movie? It’s not like he has young kids he’s doing it for. It really angers me, and brings him down a notch. And here’s a random fact: the guy who did Peter Venkman’s voice on the animated Ghostbusters series was the same guy who used to do Garfield’s voice in the animated series back in the day. Then Murray, who first played Venkman, ends up doing Garfield’s voice for the animated movies. Why do I know this? Because it’s useless information.


5 BEST MOVIES

Keep in mind they had to play a key role and really add something to the movie, not just make a quick cameo/appearance that didn’t add much other than an extra credit to their IMDB page.


Chevy Chase:
(in no particular order) Caddyshack, Fletch, Spies Like Us, Vacation, Three Amigos

That’s a monster top 5. They are each all-time classics. The perfect balance of funny and total stupidity. How do I know they’re great movies? Because any time I’m watching them and my wife walks in the room, she turns around and walks out. That’s how you know something is truly, truly funny on many different levels: my wife hates it. And he just played each role perfectly. Whether it was slapstick, or loveable idiot, or sarcastic straight man (think Vince Vaughn before Vince Vaughn was Vince Vaughn), he killed it. Out of the park every time.


Bill Murray:
(in no particular order) Caddyshack, Stripes (the first half), What About Bob, Rushmore, Meatballs

Bill’s list is a little tougher to narrow down. I think he has more quality comedies to choose from, which is an advantage, but I don’t think his top 5 is as good at Chevy’s top 5. And that counts for something. Plus, Stripes was more of a half-movie. After they leave training the movie is a mess and almost unwatchable. You look at Bill’s top 5 and you think, “Those are five great movies. Wow.” But you look at Chevy’s and you think, “those are five of my all-time favorite movies. Holy crap. That man was a genius.”

5 WORST MOVIES

Chevy Chase:
Caddyshack II, Fletch Lives, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, Man of the House, Nothing But Trouble

I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking about any of these, because they were so bad, but just wanted to say that I recognize he didn’t really play a major role in “Caddyshack II”, but the fact that he even agreed to appear on screen is almost unforgivable.


Bill Murray:
Garfield, Quick Change, Stripes (the second half), Larger Than Life, Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties

I think it was harder to find 5 terrible movies that Bill did, while narrowing Chevy’s 5 worst was easy to do, because there were so many to choose from. Really, if you take away the two Garfield movies, the other three are bad, but not unbearable. You could sit through them if you had to, which is a plus.


FINAL THOUGHTS

I think if you’re looking at their careers as a whole, you’d probably, at gunpoint, have to say Murray, simply because he’s so good for so long. He never really had a big lull in his career. Never made bad movie after bad movie. He has more quality movies than Chevy, and less awful movies as well. But, I think that Chevy has made funnier movies. You look again at his top five and it’s amazing. I don’t think Murray’s five come close. And creating several all-time classics instead of a ton of good movies has to count for something.

And that’s why it’s a little more complicated than “Bill Murray, hands down.” My vote would be for Chevy. But I think the real winners are all of us.


Anyway, back to Victory’s Banner and the French toast.

There was nothing fancy about the French toast. They weren’t a chocolate tower of French toast and they weren’t topped with some exotic fruit and they didn’t have some special ingredient baked in and they didn’t use some kind of unique bread. It was just good old-fashioned French toast. And the best I’ve ever had.

The slices were nice and big. But they weren’t dense. That’s usually a huge problem with French toast. Either the bread is too slim and flimsy and you feel like you’re eating a wet napkin. Or it’s really thick and dense, and you feel like you’re eating a moist (sorry Debbie) brick. Both are miserable.

But the bread at Victory’s was perfect. Nice and thick, but incredibly light and fluffy. It was able to soak up the syrup without falling apart. But still soak it up enough that you got to taste the syrup and bread with each bite.

On top of it all they had a great butter to go along with it. It was some special peach-flavored butter. It just added to the sweetness of the whole dish. I’ll admit the butter is “unique”, but it was unique in a way that added to the meal, not overpower it, and it didn’t feel like a gimmick. Most of the time when places have some unique French toast, it’s some gimmick and overpowers the best parts of a classic French toast. This didn’t. It was the perfect compliment. I wanted to smear the entire plate all over my body. But my wife talked me out of it. Maybe next time.

I should also mention that the place is vegetarian (I don’t have to say it, but you know), so all the meats are made of veggie-friendly products. My wife had some eggs mixed with some fake meat, and it was really good. Not nearly as good as the French toast, but not a bad option. And the potatoes were also really good.

All that being said I would say everything at Victory’s Banner is pretty good/above average. But the French toast is worth going out of your way for. I think they get the elite HJ rating on their own.

But because of everything else, the place only gets a chest bump.


Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

J Patrick's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: J Patrick’s
Location: 1365 W. Erie


Look, I know it goes without saying, but I feel the need to reiterate the sentiment from time to time: I’m awesome. Honest to god, I am. And if you don’t believe, me, I can prove it.

Exhibit A:
My fadeaway in basketball. It’s unstoppable. Granted, it isn’t the same after I’ve put on about 30 lbs in the last 5 years, but if I have my back to you and the ball in my hands, you might as well just head on down the court, cause the ball is going in the hoop faster than LiLo goes into rehab.

Exhibit B:
My shoe collection. It’s extensive. My closet is like a mini version of MTV Cribs. And everyone on MTV Cribs is awesome. Therefore, so am I.

Exhibit C:
My fantasy football skills. I’ve won no less than one fantasy football league in the past nine years. And I’ve won no more than one fantasy football league in the last nine years. You try playing in five different leagues every year for nine years and win only one championship. Seriously, I dare you. It isn’t easy. In fact, you have to be awesome to pull off the feat.

Exhibit D:
I have a 10-inch johnson.

Exhibit E:
I’m a really good liar.

Exhibit F:
I’m an above average dancer. Depending on your definition of average.

Exhibit G:
I own my own bowling ball. And bowling shoes. And bowling bag. And bowling towel. Have you ever met anyone who has all that and isn’t awesome? Didn’t think so.

Exhibit H:
You can’t spell “awesome” without “me”. It’s a true story. You can look it up on Wikipedia. Or in the dictionary. Or on one of those “witty” t-shirts that my buddy Neuman owns.

Exhibit I:
I totally knew Norah Jones was going to be killer before anyone else did. Ask my mom. I bought her the CD way before anyone was buying that CD.

Exhibit J:
I ate the Indulgence Burger at J Patrick’s and am on the Indulgence Wall of Fame. Yes, you read that correctly.

And since I can tell you’re already scratching your head and asking yourself, “What’s the Indulgence Burger?” I’ll tell you. It’s two half-pound patties of meat, two fried eggs, French fries (yes, French fries on the burger), bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, pickles, ketchup, mustard, and a bun. And also a coronary. Plus a side item (I went with onion rings). All you have to do is eat the entire thing (including the side item), and you make it onto the Indulgence Wall of Fame.

That’s right, I ate it. In record time. And was searching for dessert afterwards (which they don’t have, but I’ll get to that in a minute).

Here’s the story:

Dave, who lives in Geoff’s building (actually lived) was moving to Boston with his wife (even though there is still a little bit of a debate as to his sexual preference), so him and Geoff were going to grab a beer and bite to eat one last time. Turns out it was also one first time. For all the time they lived in the building together, they never really hung out. Either way, I invited myself to crash the party.

Geoff had been talking about J Patrick’s for a while. Apparently they changed ownership after the New Year and also changed their menu. Now it had a bunch of burgers to choose from, along with some surprisingly healthy options. And rumor had it everything was good. But I wouldn’t know, because I never even got to look at the menu. As I opened it up Geoff simply said, “Check out the last thing on the menu.” It was the Indulgence Burger. Done and done.

While I was busy ordering a heart attack with a side of spare tire, Dave ordered the cucumber sandwiches. I almost punched him in the mouth. I’m still trying to get over the fact that a place that offers the Indulgence Burger also offers cucumber sandwiches. But they do. Dave is a vegetarian (gay), and said the mini sandwiches (gay) were really, really good (gay), so if you’re a vegetarian (gay) hanging out with some meat eaters (not gay), you might want to check out J Patrick’s. They actually have a bunch of vegetarian options (gay joke getting old, I know, but still, gay), so it’s something to consider.

And the best part of the whole thing? The burger was actually good. I was fully expecting it to be over cooked, or dry, or awful on many different levels. But it wasn’t. It was actually really juicy. And tasty. I started off by grabbing the top patty and top bun and eating that half like you would a burger. It went down quickly. The bottom half was a little messier because the bun had time to soak up the blood from the burger (yes, it was as delicious as it sounds). So I had to eat the bottom half with a fork and knife (gay), but nothing was going to stop me from finishing this thing. I should probably tell you at this point that I ordered the burger sans mushrooms (which you know I hate), so to make up for that I had to eat four extra pickle spears. Little did J Patrick’s know that pickles are my 3rd favorite thing in the entire world to eat. No sweat.

The onion rings were OK. They started off really good, as I devoured half of them before even attempting to take a bite of the burger, but by the end I had to wash them down with my manhattans. The problem is they got cold, and they really weren’t good cold.

The highlight of the night (other than Dave saying, “Now, I know I’m no Sinbad…”) was that I convinced the manager to make a certificate certifying my accomplishment. It is being framed as we speak.

So the Big Delicious destroyed the Indulgence Burger, making me now the Big Indulgence.

Like I said, I’m awesome.

My only real complaint is that they don’t have dessert there, and I really needed something sweet after all that grease. Maybe they’ll get their act together and make an Indulgence Ice Cream Cookie. Imagine a chocolate-chip skillet cookie, topped with a warm brownie, topped with vanilla ice cream, topped with chocolate sauce, topped with whipped cream, topped with Matt’s Chocolate Chip Cookies, topped with more chocolate sauce, topped with a cherry. You finish that, friend-o, and you can be awesome too.


Fist bump with a manly ass slap.




Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

Vegetarian Voyage

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



When I first moved back to Chicago about four years ago I was living with my parents while my wife was still in St. Louis. To keep myself entertained for those five or so months I decided to become a vegetarian. Not forever, of course, but for a month, just to see if I could do it. Now, I’m not a planner. I tend to do things on a whim without thinking too far ahead. Like my freshman year of college when I decided to dress up as Vanilla Ice and shaved lines in my eyebrows, not thinking about the fact that it would take 2-3 months for them to grow back. While it was entertaining for the night, I spend the next 3 months looking like a total douche. So for that month of December that I decided to go vegetarian, I didn’t exactly look into what vegetarians eat. Didn’t look into any good recipes. Didn’t look into any meat substitutes. Didn’t even bother to find any vegetarian restaurants. My meals ended up primarily consisting of eight things: cereal (which isn’t that different from what I normally make myself for breakfast), vegetarian baked beans (not sure how I decided to start eating these for an entire month, but I had them at least five nights a week. As my entire meal.), vegetable soup, mac and cheese (again, something I eat all the time anyway), peanut butter and jelly (I felt like I was a junior in college again), pizza, and sometimes salad. And lots of candy. And that was it. There was nothing else. I kid you not. I never ate anything but those eight things (That’s a lie. I did eat potato perogies on Christmas Eve, but that was truly the only other thing I ate.). It was so stupid. The whole experiment didn’t serve any purpose other than to see if I could go without meat for an entire month. Truthfully I figured it wouldn’t be that hard because I ate so much cereal and mac ‘n’ cheese and pizza. I thought, what the hell? I eat so much of that stuff already that I’m practically a vegetarian anyway. By day three I realized I ate a ton of other stuff (like hot dogs, and more hot dogs, and also steak, and then another hot dog). And afterwards I questioned how anyone could be a vegetarian or what the hell they ate everyday (other than the items listed about). I think I now know the answer to that question after recently dining at two different vegetarian restaurants.



Restaurant: Handlebar
Location: 2311 W. North Ave.

My buddy Geoff and I went on a man-date a couple of weeks ago and chose Handlebar. It was really nice. I picked him up around 9. He was wearing the cutest shirt and jeans that fit him perfectly. It was a little breathtaking watching him walk across the street, out of my dreams, and into my car. Geoff had been to Handlebar a bunch of times, but I had never been. Part of the reason is because they don’t serve meat, and the other reason is that they don’t serve meat. But Geoff really liked the place so that was good enough for me.

Handlebar has a fantastic patio in the back. It’s really big and open. Of course we didn’t sit there because Geoff didn’t tell me about it until we were done eating, so we ended up at a table in the front. We started off with the nachos. I really can’t say enough about them. They were covered with beans and pico de gallo and sour cream and avocado and most importantly seitan chorizo. Seiten is fake meat. It’s made from wheat gluten. I have no idea what that means, but it was good enough to fool me. The “chorizo” was terrific and spicy. And the nachos were huge. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret – I’m a pretty big eater. And Geoff can put it away when he needs to. And at the end of the night at least half the nachos were still there. And it had nothing to do with the taste, or the fact that it was covered in wheat gluten, or the amount of other food we ordered. There was just so much on the plate it was almost impossible to finish off with just two people. I was really surprised at how good they were. Especially the chorizo. You really couldn’t tell the difference.

It was because of this that Geoff convinced me to order the BBQ seitan sandwich. He said if I was blindfolded that I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between it and a normal BBQ beef sandwich. Well, when it came, and I took a bite, he asked, “Can you tell the difference?” And I said, “No. It tastes just like real meat. A really bad piece of meat, but meat none-the-less. But no, I can’t tell the difference.” The best way to describe it is that it reminds me of a hamburger patty at McDonald’s. A little bit tough. Tastes a little bit pre-cooked (OK, a lot a bit pre-cooked). And it seems like it’s probably meat. As far as you can tell. Of course I love McDonald’s and their “real” meat burgers (I can’t tell you how many cheeseburgers I get when they have their .59 cent special), so the seitan BBQ sandwich really didn’t bother me. It was actually pretty tasty. If I was a vegetarian for more than a month, then I’m sure this is something I’d be happy to get to satisfy my meat craving.

Lucky for me Geoff and I decided to split our meals, so he ordered the Green Meanie, and I got to enjoy half of it. The Green Meanie is a big ol’ slice of avocado, goat cheese, sprouts, spinach, tomato, and honey mustard. It was really good. I only have two complaints (which I actually think is pretty reasonable since I’m talking about vegetarian food here). One: why sprouts? Why do places insist on sprouts? It’s like they use it as filler to make the sandwich look bigger than it really is. Nobody likes sprouts. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone who likes them. And I’ve never heard of anyone actually ordering them. In fact, when sprouts come with a meal/sandwich, most people I know ask to have the sprouts left off. Yet places (like Handlebar) insist on including them. Boo, I say. Boo. Two: honey mustard. I’m not going to knock Handlebar for this one, because most people like honey mustard. I’m just not one of those people. And the honey mustard at Handlebar was the kind of mustard that was really potent, so it was pretty distracting to someone like me who doesn’t love mustard. If I ever got this sandwich again I’d get it without the two things I mentioned and it would be perfect. With them, it was still pretty good.

For my side item I went with the collard greens. Not sure why. They just sounded really good that night. However, they weren’t really good. In fact, they were terrible. I took one bite, and was barely able to swallow it. I took a second bite just to confirm that they really were as bad as I thought. Which they were. Too bad. I was in the mood for them.

Luckily I also ordered a side of the smoked Gouda mac ‘n cheese. Oh. My. God. (by the way, what’s more annoying in a text/email, OMG or emoticons? I say emoticons, but it’s pretty close.) They were fantastic. Geoff said they were just OK that night, and that they were a little watery than normal. But I didn’t care (even though they were a little watery, but he promises they are usually much, much creamier). I couldn’t put my fork down. I was tempted to get another order. That’s how much I loved them. In fact, it was the best mac n’ cheese I’d ever had. Of course that all changed a couple days later when I had the mac ‘n cheese at Hot Chocolate. But when you’re talking about the two best mac n’ cheeses of all-time, there really isn’t a loser. Except for my heart. And my cholesterol. You can actually order a meal of three sides, and I think I might try this next time, and just get three orders of the mac n’ cheese. I can’t recommend it enough.

I’m actually kind of surprised to say that I really, really liked Handlebar. And not only that, I’ll be back. Over and over again.

Chest bump


Restaurant: Green Zebra
Location: 1460 W. Chicago

My next venture into the vegetarian world was at Green Zebra. We were celebrating some friends’ birthdays (Nick and Allison) so a group of six of us decided on Green Zebra. None of us had ever been, and I’ve heard only good things about it, so it seemed like a safe bet.

Let me just say this: it’s a bad sign when your waiter comes over to present the menu, and the first thing he says is, “We recommend you order three plates [off the menu] per person.” It’s moments like these that make me hate vegetarians. Three plates per person? And that’s assuming they are talking about a normal person. What about someone like me? Does that mean I should order 12 plates? I was incredibly nervous. It also didn’t help that when our waiter talked he smacked his lips at the end of ever sentence. It’s bad enough to hear that you need to order a ton of plates to satisfy your appetite. It’s worse when the person telling you that smacks his lips as he does it. Of course the topper is that each plate is $7 - $15. So if you order the cheapest stuff, and stick to only three plates, you’re still spending $21. And chances are if you’re sticking to the cheapest plates, they are also the least filling plates, so you’ll end up needing at least four plates. Green Zebra and I were getting off on the wrong foot.

After having a sip of my over-priced wine and taking a deep breath, I was able to focus and look over the menu. I started things off with the Sweet Onion Soup. While being the cheapest thing on the menu ($7), it was actually a much bigger portion than I had expected. And not only that, it was fantastic. In fact, it was better than fantastic. It was creamy, but not too creamy. Oniony, buy not too oniony. And it had some scallions mixed in to add the perfect amount of flavor. It was the kind of soup that as you get to the bottom you want to ditch your spoon and pick up your bowl and drink out of it like a complete Hoosier. And if I wasn’t with my wife, I probably would have. Instead I had to use the spoon as best I could, and was then forced to stare at the last bite my spoon couldn’t get to sitting at the bottom of the bowl, taunting me. Luckily the waiter came by and took it away; smacking his lips a couple of times before doing so. I wonder if “your honor, he was smacking his lips” is a suitable defense for homicide. That reminds me of a time in college when I was eating with my roommate. I lived with two girls, and one of them was heading out to get a sub from Subway and asked if I wanted anything. So I ordered the old Cold Cut Combo with mayo, pickles, lettuce, onions, and more pickles. When she brought it back I was really excited to eat it, but then she started eating next to me. And she was an open mouth eater. And a loud eater. And a loud open mouth eater. She chewed loud. Smacked loud. Even swallowed loud. It’s like every bite had this disgusting juicy sound. I’m not kidding, I almost puked. I actually had to stop eating. She asked me what was wrong, and I had to tell her that I was saving half my sandwich for later. Of course she didn’t believe me since I usually ate two footlongs as a meal. So for me to stop after six inches it was pretty obvious something was a miss. And for me to pass up a joke using “six inches”, well, something really is a miss.

Where was I? Oh, after the soup I ordered the Butternut Squash Raviolo. Went it came out it was one piece of ravioli. Which makes sense, because I guess raviolo is the singular version of ravioli. But you never see the word “raviolo” because every place serves ravioli (as is several pieces of raviolo). I didn’t even know ravioli had a singular version of the word. I thought it was kind of like “deer”, which you use whether describing one deer, or a group of deer, of six deer. Either way the raviolo was pretty good. It had egg yolk on the inside, so cutting into it felt kind of like eating an egg over-easy. The yolk just filled the plate, so you’d take the piece of raviolo and use the yolk almost as a dip, the same way you use toast to soak up the yolk that pours out of your over-easy breakfast. Of course one piece of ravioli (or raviolo, if you will) was enough to hold me over for about 38 seconds.

Next I got the Truffle Risotto. Part of the reason I ordered it was because it sounded decent (have you ever had anything with “truffle” in the title and it not be delicious?) and because risotto is kind of like a cross between pasta and rice, so I figured at the very least it would be filling. I was right on one account. It was delicious. But it wasn’t very filling (unless you’re a girl).

I wanted to order a couple more plates, but I had already spent $35 for these three plates ($7 + $13 + $15) so I just moved on to dessert.

The peanut butter and chocolate mousse was amazing. The key was that it was served with concord grape jelly. So it tasted like a peanut butter and jelly and chocolate sandwich, which I love. And at a mere $8 it seemed like a deal. It was a really good way to end the meal.

Afterwards I ran into Geoff, RJ, Summer, and Brian at Rx, and Geoff asked me what I thought of Green Zebra. I said, “It’s really, really good, but I’m fu@&ing starving.” And that’s really the best way to describe it. It’s really good food that’s not really filling but is really expensive (and the fact that the wine menu doesn’t have any cheap glasses to choose from doesn’t help). I think you could make a killing if you had a hot dog stand outside Green Zebra. I would have bought about 8 hot dogs after this meal. And I can’t be the only one.

Would I go back? No. Am I glad I went? Yes.

So if you’re a hippie (vegetarian/vegan), you’ll love it. As long as you’re a rich hippie.

Chest bump.



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

Coalfire

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Coalfire
Location: 1321 W Grand


I was channel surfing the other day and came across the college cheerleading championships or something on ESPN2. Now, anytime I see 18-year-old girls wearing short skirts, I’m gonna stop and watch. I got so excited watching them jump around and yell that I decided to write this review in cheer (yes, it’s its own language).


I love Coalfire,
Yes I do!
I love Coalfire,
How ‘bout you?


Watch out, it’s here!
Bring your own beer!
Let’s eat, and cheer!
And then drink aforementioned beer!


You might order a pizza,
You might start off with a snack,
But when it comes to the calzones
They’re as good as riding bareback
They’re as good as riding bareback


Hey, hey the pizza’s thin,
Makes you feel less masculine.
Hey, Hey I’d do it again,
The sauce was as good as sin!


They put it IN they pull it OUT (sounds like my college years)
The coal-burning oven leaves no doubt
Enjoy the grub that it creates
Cause the margherita pizza dominates!


U.G.L.Y.
You ain’t got no alibi
You ugly
What, what, you ugly
You’re ugly, you’re oogley
Your mama says you’re yoogley
U.G.L.Y.
You ain’t got no alibi
You ugly
What, what, you ugly


Neapolitan pizza is the current sensation,
Popping up everywhere across the nation!
Chicago-style get ready for a fight,
It’s about time we all take a bite!
So who is the champion,
And the style that gets it done,
For Born to Fork,
Chicago-style is still #1!!!!
WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


Hey x the ambiance x it’s cozy in here
Seating x is limited x but I don’t really care
Just come x to the counter x to order your food
Then sit down x and wait x they’ll bring it to you
C-O-A-L-F-I-R-E
COALFIRE!!!


When I say BRING you say YOUR
BRING YOUR
BRING YOUR
When I say OWN you say BOOZE
OWN BOOZE
OWN BOOZE
When I say B.Y. you say O.B.
B.Y.O.B.
B.Y.O.B.


Order Order Order it up
Order that caprese salad up
Eat Eat Eat it up
Eat that caprese salad up
It’s It’s It’s OK
The caprese salad is just OK
GO SALAD!


We're back again better than before
Watch out Crust we'll raise that score
We're number one we thought you knew
Look out Spacca Napoli we're coming for you


I don't know what you've been told
I don't know what you've been told
Coalfire is as good as gold
Coalfire is as good as gold
If you heard what I just said
If you heard what I just said
Get on your knees and give me head (what?)
Get on your knees and give me head
Sound off
One, Two
Sound off
Three, Four
When you’re done you’ll want more
When you’re done you’ll want more


OK, I think that’s enough. In case you didn’t follow any of that, here’s a quick recap. I loved Coalfire. Liked it better than Crust (though the caprese salad at Crust is better, even though they call it something different) but not as much as Spacca Napoli or Pizza D.O.C. The calzone was my favorite. Really doughy and not too much ricotta. The pizza was maybe a little too thin (I love Neapolitan pizza, but still say Chicago-style is as good as it gets), but a great sauce and perfectly cooked. BYOB. It was also really reasonably priced. I’ll go back. Probably more than once.

Chest bump.


Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

Battle of May Street

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


(First, an apology. I wrote this review a long, long time ago (right before I went to Europe), then forgot that I wrote it. It seems a tad dated (like the fact that May St Café has been on Check, Please! so it’s not “relatively unknown” anymore). But now I remembered, so here it is. My apologies.)


THE BATTLE OF MAY STREET

Undercard
The Roots vs. Jurassic 5

Main Event
May St. Café vs. May Street Market


Welcome to Mandalay Bay, where tonight we have THE heavyweight bout of the year. In one corner you have May St. Café – a small, relatively unknown restaurant that bills itself as serving the finest in “Nuevo Latino” dining. In the other corner you have May Street Market – a popular restaurant that serves American food with a twist and has been quickly climbing the rankings through stellar reviews from websites and magazines across Chicago. The crowd is buzzing with anticipation to see the two do battle to decide once and for all who is pound-for-pound the best May St. in Chicago.

But before we get to the main event, let’s take a quick look at tonight’s undercard – The Roots vs. Jurassic 5.

The two will touch gloves and fight to determine which group will hold the belt as the best live hip-hop performers. Let’s go ringside to Josh Kell for a call of tonight’s action.

Well, recently I got to take in a Roots show AND a J5 show on back-to-back nights. Each band has their distinct style that has gotten them to where they are today, and as the matchup proved, when it comes to watching these two do their thing, there are no losers.

Ding. Ding.


Round 1
Roots come out swinging, as I get to do a meet-and-greet with the band before they go on. Everyone seems really nice, but I gravitate towards Questlove. Probably because his afro has it’s own gravitational pull. I can’t figure out if he has a pick in his hair or if it’s just an orbiting moon. After a minute of small talk with me and another guy it’s obvious he doesn’t love being the center of attention. As he looks for the nearest exit, I mention that I love the new album (Game Theory, in stores now). Even though it’s only been out three days, I’ve listened to it seven times or so, and it really is great. He immediately lights up, tells me he really appreciates it, ‘cause they put a lot of themselves into the album, then he gives me a half handshake, half chest-bump hug. Needless to say I nearly passed out. Round 1 goes to The Roots.

Round 2
J5 is playing at the House of Blues, while The Roots are playing outside next to the lake at the South Shore Cultural Center. In Chicago there may not be a better place to watch a concert than the HOB. Great acoustics, but an intimate venue where you always feel like you’re sitting on stage no matter where you are in the theater. But there’s something about being at a concert while watching the waves crash on the shore with a beautiful South Shore Cultural Center lit up in the background. Too tough to call. Round 2 is a push.

Round 3
The crowds at both concerts are hype, but in different ways. When you walk into the J5 concert you look around, double-check your ticket, and then look around again. Then you ask someone to make sure you’re not at a Dave Matthews concert (which is probably why they actually did a song with Dave on the new album (Feedback, in stores now)). The second the music kicks in so does the crowd. Heads bob, shoulders start dipping, and hands start getting thrown in the air. For 90 straight minutes the entire crowd is dancing, rapping along, and screaming every chance they get. The crowd at The Roots concert has a lot more coordination, but less people are dancing. Round 3 goes to Jurassic 5.

Round 4
Both bands have a distinct sound they’re famous for. The Roots don’t have a DJ – the band plays their own instruments, with Black Thought as the only MC of the group. Lots of hip-hop groups have bands, or perform with bands when they play live, but The Roots were THE group to do it and make it popular. And not only that, but they can (and have) play as the “house band” for concerts where there are a lot of hip-hop acts (see: Dave Chappelle’s Block Party). But they don’t stop there. The first time I ever saw them (11 years ago) they started off by covering about five classic hip-hop songs (from Kurtis Blow to Wu-Tang) with just their instruments. But the thing is you couldn’t tell the difference between the band and if a DJ was there playing the record. Pretty impressive. Now, J5 brags that they take four MCs and make ‘em sound like one. And you know what, they do. And when you see it live, it’s even more impressive. Here’s the thing, most rappers or groups make the mistake of giving everyone on stage a mic, and everyone just ends up rapping/yelling over each other, and the whole thing sounds like a karaoke night with 8 girlfriends singing a song from “Grease”. Case in point: I was at the Tribe Called Quest concert this past weekend and Rhymefest (Chicago’s own) was an opening act. Now, I like Rhymefest, but it was maybe the worst live rap concert I’ve ever seen (and that’s saying something). Too many guys on stage trying to rap at the same time but making it impossible to understand or enjoy any of the songs. And the really annoying thing is that Rhymefest is supposed to be a solo rapper, yet I have to listen to three other guys perform his songs. It was painful. One of my friends started calling him Rhymetime. That’s how mad he was about the whole thing. My point is J5 has four MCs, and they don’t rap over each other or trip each other up or take away from one another. If you closed your eyes you might think it was one guy the whole time that just changed his voice throughout the song. And doing it on an album is one thing when you have an editing team who can put it together, but to do it live? That’s something special. Round 4 goes to Jurassic 5.

Round 5
Both groups recently dropped new albums, so both concerts featured a lot of new music. My favorite from Game Theory (in stores now) is the title track, Game Theory. Starts off a little slow like an R&B song, and then out of nowhere the beat just kicks you in the heart and you can’t help but want to take on the world when you hear it. My fav on Feedback (in stores now) is Radio. It’s got this hook/sample right from the beginning that makes you put your hand over your mouth and scream, “AWWW SNAP!” The song is great. However, live it was a little hard to hear the music over the crowd and the group, and the music is the part that gives me goose bumps. Game Theory rocked the crowd and had everybody standing up and dancing on the lawn. Plus, I think Game Theory is just a little better than Feedback. Round 5 goes to The Roots.


Let’s go to Harold Letterman to see how he has the fight so far. “OKAY, JOSH. THE ROOTS REALLY GOT THE CROWD GOING WITH ‘GAME THEORY’ IN THAT LAST ROUND. I’VE GOT THE FIFTH ROUND SCORED 10 TO 9. AFTER FIVE ROUNDS I HAVE IT 49 TO 47, THE ROOTS!”

Round 6
Jurassic 5 comes out of their corner, knowing they need to start taking some rounds to win this battle. After landing a couple of body shots and keeping The Roots on their toes with some jabs, they score the first knockdown of the night with one of my favorite moments of the show. The whole time J5 is on stage they have five tarps covering something up behind them. Finally the tarps are taken away, revealing five old-school school desks, each one with a different name stenciled on it. The members take their appropriate seats. I’m convinced that they’re going to perform “Concrete Schoolyard” while sitting in the desks. But I was wrong. DJ NU Mark cuts the music and takes his seat. After a quick moment of silence NU Mark starts up a beat with a turntable that is built into the desk. The crowd gets excited, but then Soup adds to the beat with another soundboard built into his desk. Then each member jumps in, one by one, adding their own sounds from their desk. Eventually the five work together to create one song. It’s unbelievable. The crowd can’t take it. It’s that good. The Roots go down. But after a standing eight count, they get back up. J5 continues delivering the big blows, putting The Roots on the old wobble skates with “Concrete Schoolyard”, probably my favorite song of all time. The crowd feels it, I’m feeling it, and now The Roots feel it, falling back into the ropes. But they don’t go down, and lure J5 in for the rope-a-dope. Out of nowhere The Roots deliver a chin-check with a 90-minute set that never stops. Now, some people might say, “What’s the big deal about 90-minutes? Most bands play that long.” But the show I’m at is a promotional event hosted by Miller Genuine Draft. So, there are only about 500 people or so, and by the time The Roots go on the older part of the crowd has slowly slipped away to head home and go to bed. So you’re left with about 200 people or so standing as close to the stage as possible. Now, since it’s not an official concert, and the crowd isn’t that big, most bands would be required to play for an hour (tops), and at the stroke of the 60-minute mark they’d take off. And on top of that they would probably half-ass it for those 60-minutes. For example, Common was at a similar event recently and played four songs. Four. But not The Roots. They just killed it for 90-minutes, almost having to be dragged off the stage. It was just a classy move. At the Tribe Called Quest concert I just saw they only played for 60 minutes, and this is TRIBE for god’s sake. They have like 1,000 hours worth of songs, and they only play for one hour. And they were playing to a packed house, haven’t played together in years, and are playing for a crowd who paid to see the show. That’s what was great about The Roots show. Playing for a small crowd, none of who are even paying to see the concert, and they go a full 90-minute set. It showed me what they were all about. As they continued to land punches and J5 continued to back down to the corner and cover up, the fight looked like it was in hand for The Roots. And then J5 delivered the knockout blow, A Day At The Races. Wow. Just one of those songs that gets the crowd jumping in unison and you never want it to end. And if that wasn’t enough, they stepped it up a notch. Halfway trough the song they flipped the beat to Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy” and continued rapping A Day At The Races. It was insane. Right as the song was finished and they left the stage (they would come back out for an encore), my buddies Dave and Neuman both turned to me and told me it was the best concert they had ever been to. Ever. That meant something from two Dead Heads who had seen tons of Dead and Phish shows. The Roots were down for the count.

The belt goes to Jurassic 5.


What a fight. Just two great heavyweights going toe-to-toe. The Roots showed a lot of heart, but in the end Jurassic 5 was just a little too much to handle. Well, that brings us to tonight’s main event. Lets take a look at the tale of the tape (stats courtesy of Metromix.com).



Restaurant: May Street Market
Location: 1132 W. Grand

Hours:
Lunch: 11:30 a.m.-2 p.m. Monday-Friday
Dinner: 5 p.m.-10 p.m. Monday through Thursday; 5 p.m.-11 p.m. Friday-Saturday; closed Sunday. The lounge is open one hour after the restaurant closes.

Avg. Dinner Entrée:
$15-$25, $25 and up

Cuisine:
American Contemporary

Parking:
Street parking possible, Valet (Evenings)

Payment Method:
Visa, MasterCard, American Express, Discover

Reservations Accepted?
Yes

Seating Capacity:
90

Smoking:
No

Spirits:
Full bar



Restaurant: May Street Cafe
Location: 1146 W. Cermak

Hours:
Dinner: 5-10 p.m., Tuesday through Thursday; Friday and Saturday 5-11 p.m.; 5-9 p.m. Sunday

Avg. Dinner Entrée:
$8-$15

Cuisine:
Cuban, Mexican/Tex-Mex, Nuevo Latino, Puerto Rican

Parking:
Free lot, Street parking possible

Payment Method:
Visa, MasterCard, American Express

Reservations Accepted?
Yes

Seating Capacity:
46

Smoking:
No

Spirits:
Bring your own (No fee)



Gentlemen, let’s have a good, clean fight. Keep all blows above the belt. When I tell you to break, break. Any questions? Touch gloves and head back to your corner.

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!!!


Round 1
May St. Market comes out aggressive and throws the first flurry of punches, landing with the free bread and butter. May St. Café can’t counter punch, supplying only chips and salsa. But not just any chips and salsa. It’s the kind of chips and salsa that make you never want to try chips and salsa again. The chips are stale, and the salsa tastes like ketchup. Market has warm bread and soft butter. Café is lucky to get out of the round without a knockdown.


Round 2
Looking to change the momentum in round two, Café comes out with a southpaw stance, catching Market off guard and landing a series of jabs and a couple of haymakers with a variety of quesadillas. Market stumbles backwards, held up by the ropes. Café continues the pursuit, first with the quick jab of the bean and goat cheese quesadilla, then with the HUGE power punch of the brie and pear quesadilla. Most fighters would come out with your typical chicken or steak quesadilla, but not Café. The work in the gym pays off with quesadillas that have a ton of unique flavor. The brie and pear quesadilla might be one of the best things you’ll ever eat. As Market tries to get out of the corner, Café shoves them right back in with their portion size. Not only are the quesadillas amazing (and there are a bunch to choose from), but one order is enough to feed a large family (even if that family includes me). As the round comes to an end Market tries to land a couple of punches with the crab cakes, but Café isn’t fazed. The crab cakes are good, but nothing spectacular, and certainly not go-out-of-your-way good like the quesadillas. Round 2 goes to Café by a huge margin.


Round 3
Trying to recover from the beating of round 2, Market takes to the offensive and lands a couple of quick punches with its lemon grass and yellow tomato soup. Sound disgusting? That’s what I thought, but it was a great soup with an interesting taste I couldn’t get enough of. But Café quickly countered with its tortilla soup. Just a huge bowl of goodness. And it was hot. Not temperature hot, but spicy hot. The kind of hot that burns your mouth so bad you have no choice but to have another bite as quickly as possible because it’s the only thing that soothes the burn. The kind of hot that had me sweating like a Biggest Loser contestant in a spin class. I probably ruined three napkins wiping my brow. I couldn’t even finish the bowl. That’s how big it was. And how spicy. Tough to really compare the two soups. They were very different, but both great. Round 3 looks like a draw.


Round 4
Café seems to know they have Market on the ropes, and they’re looking to try and finish up the fight and send Market home early. The atmosphere in Café is perfect. It’s a small, charming place that feels both romantic and social. It’s not too loud or cold or warm or anything. It’s just perfect. A big uppercut to the gut of Market takes their breath away, forcing them to cover up. Café continues to throw punches as the chef comes out to check on every table, making sure the diverse dining crowd is satisfied. Market begins to stumble. The extremely loud dining area at Market makes it hard to carry on a conversation with the people at your table, and the crowd is older and feels a little too snooty for my tastes. Market goes down hard. Wow, this could be it. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Market gets to their feet. They’re not sure where they are, but tell the ref they’re OK to go on. Café smells blood, but Market counters with a lounge area that is much quieter, doesn’t take reservations, has a fireplace, and is a great place to sit (especially for 2) to enjoy dinner. Market gets saved by the bell.


Let’s go back to Harold Letterman to see how he has the fight so far. “OKAY. CAFÉ IS JUST DOMINATING THIS FIGHT, TAKING 3 OF THE FIRST 4 ROUNDS. I’VE GOT THE LAST ROUND SCORED 10 TO 9. AFTER FOUR ROUNDS I HAVE IT 39 TO 36, CAFÉ!”


Round 5

Market comes out in round 5 and is noticeably hurt, dancing around the ring and trying to avoid another big onslaught from Café. Unfortunately for Market, Café still has a lot in the tank, throwing its big BYOB haymaker, and then landing the deadly “affordable” uppercut. It’s just too much for Market’s high price tag as they stumble against the ropes and covers up again, waiting for the bell, which can’t come soon enough. Another round for Café.


Round 6

Market is cut bad, and it doesn’t look like the cut man can stop the bleeding. They’re going to have one last round to try and score their own knockout or they’re going to risk a stoppage by the ref. They come out swinging, and swinging hard. The pork chop brings it and lands a solid shot to Café’s jaw, followed by a body shot of fingerling potatoes that puts Café back on their heels. But Café quickly counters with their own pork chop. As Market looks to make one last run, Café lands a shot to the open cut with the chipotle mashed potatoes. It’s too much for Market, as the ref jumps in and calls the fight.

Winner, and May Street champion – May St. Café


So there you have it. May St. Café is your new heavyweight champion of the world.

Some final thoughts:
I order a lot of pork chops when I go out to eat. I think it’s because they’re pretty safe. When you order, you’re getting one of four things: 1) An out of this world pork chop that can’t be topped. I’ve only had one of these that I can remember. 2) A really, really good pork chop. Seems like this is where 80% of pork chops fall, it’s just that each place has their own spin on it (sweet, spicy, unique sauce, whatever). Both May Streets fall in this category. Both great in their own way. 3) A fine pork chop. Nothing special here. It gets the job done, but you forget about it by the end of the night. 4) A horrible pork chop. And this really only happens if something gets screwed up, like the chop gets burnt or it has mad pig disease or something.

I really enjoyed both places. My biggest complaint about May Street Market is the price. I just feel like for the money you pay you can have better meals elsewhere. When you’re paying over $25 for an entrée I feel like it should be really memorable, but I didn’t feel that way about May Street Market. I should add that everyone I went with LOVED it, and most people who go have that same sentiment. Except for my buddy Geoff, who agrees with me.


May Street Market – Fist bump with a manly ass slap.

World heavyweight champion May St. Café - Half handshake, half chest-bump hug.



Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

Odge's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Odge’s Old Fashioned Red Hots
Locations: 730 N. Damen


There are some things in this world that will always make me smile. And here they are:

1. Seeing a guy get hit or kicked or punched in the balls. Always going to make me laugh. Even when I can feel their pain and reach down to make sure my own boys are doing OK, I’m still going to laugh. A person getting hit in the groin was the only reason I watched America’s Funniest Home Videos for so many years. I would sit there for 30 minutes just hoping to see one of those “daughter learning to swing a bat with her Dad then accidentally hitting him you know where causing him to double over and (ideally) fall through the screen door” videos.

2. Midgets are always going to be funny to me. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, they’re always funny. From Mini Me to Mini Kiss to Mini Michael Jackson, I’m gonna laugh.

3. You know what else I’m always going to find funny? Chimps. If they’re funny enough for Clint Eastwood, they’re funny enough for me.

4. Hot dogs. I love hot dogs. I always have. I always will. When I was a kid, I would almost eat nothing but hot dogs. I remember one time when I was visiting my Dad’s family. We were all sitting around the table in the dining room (otherwise known as the dining room table) and some food was put in front of everybody. I saw my plate, and the only thing I had to say was, “I don’t want this, I want a hot dog.” I became infamous for this phrase. For the next 20 years (and to this day, actually) I still get razzed for it. Every time we eat, someone says, “I don’t want this, I want a hot dog.” Then everyone laughs. Except me. Great story, right? I’m glad I took the time to tell it to you. My point is, hot dogs make me smile. And what’s better than having a hot dog wrapped in a bun topped with all the goodies? That’s right, two hotdogs wrapped in a bun topped with all the goodies. This also works for porn movies. And you know who has two hot dogs in a bun? Odge’s. And they cleverly call this a double dog (‘cause there are double the amount of dogs than you’d normally expect). It might be one of the best places to get a hot dog in the city. And not because they have the best dogs, but because the atmosphere there is unbeatable. The guys behind the counter couldn’t be friendlier or more genuine. Whether it’s your first time or you go everyday, somehow the guys behind the counter make you feel like you’re a regular. I’m always going to support places that have great, great service. And that’s Odge’s. Plus they serve double dogs.

5. Melted cheese. And Odge’s has that perfect they-call-it-cheese-but-it’s-probably-not-real-cheese cheese for their cheese fries. It’s thick with a nice cheddar taste. It’s the best cheese-fry cheese in the city. Of course a lot of places have the exact same kind (the same way a lot of places have Heinz ketchup), so maybe it’s more like a tie for the best cheese-fry cheese in the city. Either way, I love it.

6. Porn.

7. Chocolate will always make me smile, and the chocolate shake at Odge’s is pretty good. Not great, not awful, but pretty good. Kind of like their hot dogs.

8. Dick jokes and bathroom humor. What can I say; I’m 29 going on 14.

9. The feel of a neighborhood joint. And that’s Odge’s. A great neighborhood joint. Is it the kind of place you’d travel miles for? No. Is it the kind of place that you’re lucky and thankful for that it’s in your neighborhood? Yes. Could I devour a double dog, cheese fries and a chocolate shake everyday? Without a doubt.

10. Swingers. The movie, obviously. One of the best movies ever made, and it never fails to deliver no matter when I watch it or how many times I watch it. The best is when I haven’t seen it for a long time, so I forget just a little bit how good it is, and then I pop it in and remember why it is one of my all-time favorite movies.

11. Swingers. The wife swapping kind, obviously. And it doesn’t make me smile because I’m into wife swapping and having sex with other people. It’s because it sounds like this great, exotic, orgy filled, sexy lifestyle, except then you see the type of people who typically are swingers (I’ve watched a lot of Real Sex on HBO, and in liquor stores you’ll sometimes stumble across swingers magazines that are basically classifieds with pictures) and you’re amazed that they can convince one person to have sex with them, let alone multiple partners.

12. mmmmmm, donuts.


The list goes on and on, so I’ll just stop there. The only other thing I want to say about Odge’s is that I’m always disappointed in the chili. I want it to be better, but it just isn’t that great. But then again, it’s chili, so as long as it’s edible, I’m gonna eat it every time.

Overall, I’ll give Odge’s a fist bump. The food isn’t the best hot dog stand around (and probably not even the best in the neighborhood), but the people make it great. And I’m a people person. I’m also a lazy person, and it’s a short walk from where I live.



Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

Dodo

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star


Restaurant: Dodo
Location: 935 N. Damen


A little ways back my work brought in a “consultant”. He would sit in meetings, keep his mouth shut, and every now and then chime in. But it wouldn’t be with some earth shattering knowledge or insight. He would just start with a, “You know…” then pause for a couple of seconds as everyone waited with bated breath, then continue with some cliché, like “K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid.” Then he’d push up his glasses with his index finger and lean back in his chair. And he got paid for that. A lot. Now, I’m not sure if he was giving sage advice or if he just enjoyed calling me stupid. Either way, I wanted to punch him in the face.

And I bring this up because Dodo, a new breakfast and lunch place (otherwise known as brunch, or breakunch) on Damen (in the old Privata spot) seems to have followed the consultant’s advice. They have kept their menu simple. For the most part, there is nothing fancy here. Breakfast choices include omelettes, eggs, pancakes, French toast, and that’s about it. Lunch choices include about five sandwiches, like pork and ham and cheese. And some salads. The only “fancy” things they have on the menu is Japanese pancakes, which is…I have no idea. I know it has carrots and cabbage and some sort of sauce and mayo. And Dodo also has breakfast tamales, which looked pretty good. But that’s it. That’s almost everything on the menu. They have the sides you’d expect – toast, sausage, bacon, etc… - and the drinks you’d expect – OJ, milk, coffee.

And you know what, I like it that way. As much as I loooooove Bongo Room and places that have these great, elaborate breakfast choices, I also appreciate a place that keeps it simple. Even the omelette is simple, with the choice of three cheeses and that’s it. Nothing more. No ham, no spinach, no chorizo, no nothing. Just cheese. And only three kinds to choose from. It’s surprisingly refreshing.

I ordered the omelette with the sharp cheddar and a side of potatoes. And a side of the French toast. And a side of toast (rye bread). And a bottomless cup of coffee. And an endless supply of bad breath. Now, when I was checking out the menu I was pleasantly surprised at the prices. Everything was $6-$7, and the sides were all about $2-$3. My real complaint was that the coffee was $2.25, but then again I had 5 cups, and it was pretty good. So, when the food came out I shouldn’t have been surprised that it wasn’t the ginormous portions you get at most places. These days a “normal-size” portion means your pancakes are as big as a flying saucer, or your omelette is the size of a piece of fire wood. But not at Dodo. Sizes here are old-school normal size. The kind of portions your parents or grand parents are probably used to. So, you get satisfied without getting so full that you can’t get up from your seat.

And the food is good. The omellete was good, the potatoes were good, the toast was good, and the French toast was great. And, I had the pleasant surprise of being joined by my neighbor, who was also eating alone. He’s been here once before, so he knew what he was doing. He got the French toast with bananas. I was jealous. They looked great. My favorite part of the French toast is that they give you two pieces that are the typical bread you’re used two, and two pieces that are baguettes. Why is it my favorite part? I have no idea. I just like the way it looks on the plate.

At this point the only complaints I have is that the servers seem overwhelmed. When my neighbor sat down the waiter came over and asked if he was going to eat, and my neighbor, Mike, said, “Yeah, and I know what I want.” But the waiter wasn’t expecting to take his order, and said he’d be right back. But it took him at least 5 minutes to come back and take the order. And he was just running around the whole time. It’s not like it was bad service, it was just sporadic service. And the place is small, so it’s not like they have to run around a huge restaurant. The place only sits about 20 people, so it’s tight, and at the wrong time, you might have to wait a minute. But, since the place is still relatively unknown, I didn’t have to wait. And neither did my neighbor, thanks to me. Looking forward to trying the lunch menu next time I go. I’ll keep you posted. Or not.

I’m gonna go with a fist bump and a manly ass slap. I’m excited to have a good breakfast place steps from my front door. If you’re in the area, give it a shot; I think you’ll like it. And if you don’t, then suck it.

Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

The Feast and The Furious

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



There were a bunch of places I’ve been meaning to review, so I decided to “act like gonorrhea and burn, baby, burn” right through them.



Restaurant: Bongo Room
Locations: 1152 S. Wabash and 1470 N. Milwaukee


Is there anything that hasn’t been said about Bongo Room? Seriously, who doesn’t know about this place? Well, just in case, let’s get through this. Best breakfast place in the city. I would eat here everyday if the waits weren’t totally insane. On the weekend, expect to stand outside at least an hour (and in the winter, this is not fun) at the Wicker Park location. There is good shopping around, so you can usually slip away for 45 minutes then come back. I’d recommend you check out the South Loop location (still busy) because they have a coffee bar, so you can stand inside and have a cup of joe while you wait. Everything on the menu is great, so you really can’t go wrong. I almost always order their Chocolate Tower of French Toast. Then I pick up the cell phone, call for an ambulance, and wait for them to shoot me in the heart with a shot of adrenaline to revive me from my diabetic shock. And if you don’t like chocolate for breakfast, then the seasonal pancakes (like the pumpkin ones in the fall) are to die for (that could be the gayest thing I’ve ever said). Or get something else and a side of pancakes. Or do it tapas style and order a bunch of stuff and have the table share everything. Anyway, best brunch in the city. I’ll go ahead and say it – this is my favorite place in the city (WARNING: the choco French toast is not offered during the week).

Half Handshake, half chest-bump hug.




Restaurant: Toast
Locations: 746 W. Webster and 2046 N. Damen


We tend to head to Toast when Bongo Room is packed. But, that doesn’t really solve the problem since the waits at Toast are usually just as bad. Um, I think this place is just OK. It’s good, and I don’t mind going, but it’s not like I ever have a craving to eat here. My advice is to get the breakfast burrito (which is actually awesome) and then get a side of pancakes for two bucks. And it’s a lot of pancake.

Fist bump.




Restaurant: Moonshine
Location: 1824 W. Division


Love the atmosphere of this place. Especially in the summer, when you can sit outside on the sidewalk café, enjoy a cold beer, and watch the Wicker Park “hipsters” (for the record, I live in the area (obviously, since every review is a place within a mile of Wicker Park, which I apologize for) and I hate it when every time I read a reference of Wicker Park, it comes with the obligatory “hipster” tag. Come on, there are five yuppies to every hipster. Let’s stop kidding ourselves. This is officially Lincoln Park West.). The food is pretty average, but in a good way. It’s one of those dependable default neighborhood places where you go because you know what you’re getting, but you just want a great place to hang out and get out of the house. Pizza is decent (try spinach and garlic), burgers are OK, breakfast/brunch is surprisingly good (which, by the way, they have like a $1 menu for (which is actually just the side item menu, but you can make it work like a dollar menu), making it easy to get a breakfast dish, then a side of pancakes and eggs for like $8 total. Not bad. Not bad at all.

Fist bump with a manly ass slap (gets the extra half star because it’s a great place to hang out morning, noon, or night).




Restaurant: Just Baked Foods
Location: 901 N. Damen


Relatively new place. More of a deli than a restaurant. They serve five sandwiches daily, and a couple of soups. They have a ton of side items sitting in a deli case, and other pre-prepared meals that you can take home and cook/warm up yourself. I believe it’s supposed to be a place that allows you to feel like a big time cook at home. Love the idea, love the concept, the sandwiches were decent and felt super sophisticated, but the place is expensive, so be warned. Every time I go there I just get a couple of things (like two sandwiches and some bread, or some dips and a soup) and always spend upwards of $30. Huge upside is that Caesar’s Deli (which used to occupy the space) still has perogi’s available. Well worth the trip for that alone.

Fist bump and a manly ass slap.




Restaurant: Cleos
Location: 1935 W. Chicago


Great spot. A favorite of mine. Surprisingly good food for a “bar” or “joint”. And they have daily specials (like the rib special, which I think is on Thursdays), where you get a half slab of ribs for $5. And they’re awesome. Burgers are great, barbeque chicken is really good. Just a really good, unique selection of food. My only complaint is that it is really smoky here. But the food is so good it’s worth getting cancer for (cancer isn’t funny, but you get the point).

Chest bump.




Restaurant: InnJoy
Location: 2051 W. Division


Another place that’s great to go for drinks in the middle of the day or late at night. They play their music loud, so you can’t talk, but it’s always a nice challenge to try and convince a girl to sleep with you while you’re screaming in her ear. The burgers are really good, and the place is really smoky at night. The secret booths in the back are a nice little getaway, and there is a rumored room in the basement (which you get to through the stairs next to the bar) that has a pool table and what not. But, if you get boomflopped while trying to go down there, don’t blame me.

Fist bump.




Restaurant: Mickey’s
Location: 525 N. Harlem – Oak Park


Just wanted to give a shout out to my old high school grease joint. Great gyros, great Big Mickey’s, great Lake Michigan’s, and great specials (I go with the 3 hot dog special, and a large milkshake). Anytime I’m in the area, I make a trip.

Chest bump.




Restaurant: Fan si Pan
Location: 1618 W. Chicago


Vietnamese. Very simple menu – apps, sandwiches. But, they have fried green beans. And the sandwiches have an interesting flavor that I loved, but wish there was more meat on them (although I stopped by as they were trying to close, and they may have only had so much meat left). And they have fried green beans.

Fist bump. A good alternative to have to the normal sandwiches you find at other places.

The Bleeding Heart Bakery

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



Restaurant: The Bleeding Heart Bakery
Location: 2018 W. Chicago Ave.


This recently opened bakery doesn’t just serve great baked goods, they also serve the community. From what I understand, all of the profits, of a percentage of them, or something, go toward charity. I’m not sure which ones, but I feel like it’s a local food bank or a homeless shelter or something. Next time I’m in there I’ll find out for sure and get back to you.

But, that shouldn’t really matter, because the stuff there is AWESOME. I have a slight obsession with chocolate and sweets and baked goods, so you have to really bring it for me to be 100% happy. And Bleeding Heart definitely brings it.

They have a $10 minimum to use a credit card, so instead of using the cash I had on me, I thought it was a good idea to sample a variety of items and see if I could hit that $10 mark. To do so, I got two HUGE brownies, one banana-nut brownie and one smores brownie. They were just so big and soft and gooey. Sounds like dialogue from a porn, but trust me, these things were wholesome and fantastic. I can’t remember better brownies (the smores one was the best). I also had to get a couple of giant cookies to test out. Chocolate chip cookie – not the best I’ve ever had, but really good stuff. And a peanut butter cookie for my wife. See, I don’t like PB cookies, but even I couldn’t help myself from eating half of this one.

I’m not sure if it’s legal, but if I can tax-deduct brownies come April, this place will be the greatest bakery on Earth. And even if I can’t, it’s still some of the best stuff I’ve had in a while.

They also have cakes and pies and breads and soups and some dips, so they’ve got a little bit of everything.

I highly, highly recommend it. Half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

West Town Tavern

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly-ass slap – ½ star


Restaurant: West Town Tavern
Location: 1329 W. Chicago Ave.

West Town Tavern is located in West Town. That may sound confusing, but it’s not. The restaurant is a little over a year old (I think I’m making that up. It’s more like 3 years old.), but the feel inside is of a cozy, established, local joint. You’ll feel like the place has been around since the 40’s, with its tin ceiling, exposed brick walls, and hard wood floors.

The atmosphere is perfect. Tables are packed in to fit as many people into the space as possible, and at times you may be able to talk to those at your table, then wheel around and join another conversation at the table next to you. But, that is what gives this place its neighborhood feel. Even if you don’t know anyone in the place, you somehow feel like you are all friends, hanging out together on a Saturday night like you always do. The place is perfect for a nice dinner party of 4 or 6, where you can sit, eat, drink, and talk for as long as you’d like.

But that isn’t the best part of the place. The food is exceptional. If you are visiting for your first time, give some consideration to the pot roast. Sounds simple, but served along with garlic-mashed potatoes, it just might be the best thing on the menu. Nothing will disappoint, and even the steak is pretty tasty. Make sure you listen to the specials, as there is always something worth trying. Someone at the table ordered the skate, which is the wing of a devil ray. I think. Either way it’s a fish, and it was the best main dish of the night. Cooked perfectly, the meat was easily parted with the fork, and the spices and sauce created a simple, but tongue-satisfying flavor that made you want to dig in for your next bite before you were done swallowing your first.

The appetizer list is extensive. Stay away from the calamari. It has a zesty spice, but I found it overcooked. For a real treat, order the spring rolls, which combined with the peanut dipping sauce, melt in your mouth and will have you craving more.

And when you’re done with your meal, go with the S’Mores or the Chocolate Devils Food Cake. Both are simple, but pack plenty for your sweet tooth to enjoy.

Overall this place is great. It comes highly recommended. They have a great wine menu that will compliment the meal, and the portion sizes will satisfy without making you look, or feel, like David Wells. And the prices are affordable, unless you are a junior copywriter at Zipatoni. Then you might need to borrow a couple of extra bucks from the account folks.

I give it a solid chest-bump.