Wild Flower

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Wild Flower
Location: 4590 Laclede Avenue


Folks, we have a winner! And by winner, I mean loser. I have finally found my least favorite restaurant in St. Louis (well, least favorite so far). I could tell you what I think, but why not let Wild Flower tell you a little something about themselves first:

“It's been said many times, the Wild Flower is the Midwest's answer to a Greenwich Village hot spot.”

That is a direct quote from their website, and easily the funniest thing I’ve read in the last five years. I’m curious as to who has said this many times? That’s like saying, “It’s been said many times, J.J. Redick is the NBA’s answer to stopping LeBron James.”

I think that the only redeeming quality of the place is the outdoor patio, and it was a little too cold for us to even enjoy it when we went. I started my meal off with the Lobster Bisque, as did Jen, who was sitting to my left. She took one bite, nearly vomited (maybe I’m exaggerating), and pushed it to the middle of the table. She couldn’t eat another bite. I asked, “What’s the problem?” And she said, “I hate cheese.” So I said, “But it’s Lobster Bisque, I don’t think it has cheese.” And she said, “Taste it.” So I said, “OK.” And I did. And it was Rotelle dip. The only thing missing was some tortilla chips and maybe a little chorizo. It was the worst Lobster Bisque I’d ever had. However, as cheese soup goes, it wasn’t terrible. And the waitress was not happy about Jen taking only one bite, which made it that much more enjoyable.

Next I got a side of the Gorgonzola Mashed and the Truffled Mac-n-Cheese. Both were disappointing. The Gorgonzola was very Gorgonzolaey, which I can’t kill them for. It was just a bit too much for me. But, if you LOVE Gorgonzola, then you’d probably love this dish. I was hoping for more of a hint of the Gorgonzola, not just Gorgonzola, but again, my fault, as it’s pretty clear on the menu what I was getting. And my expectations were probably too high on the Mac-n-Cheese. I figured the combination of Mac-n-Cheese and truffles would put this dish over-the-top, possibly in the best of the best category. But it didn’t. I was a little better than “just OK”, but not quite “above average”. Put it this way, if I was stuck eating here again and someone ordered it, I might sneak a bite, but I wouldn’t order it on my own again.

For dinner I went with the Bison Hanger Steak. This was one of those weird dishes where the first bite you take is really good, but by the last bite you’re pretty under whelmed and kind of wish you’d gotten something else. It’s kind of like the first time you get an HJ and you’re pretty excited and think it’s awesome because it’s the first time a girl (or guy, if that’s your thing, or your camp councilor, depending on what a creep your camp councilor was) has touched you down there. But by the 8th or 9th time she’s doing it you’re bored and concentrating to just keep it up and all you can think about is the fact that you could do this to yourself in the comfort of your own shower, except it would be ten times better, and you just wish she’d stop or make a move down there with her mouth. And now I think I’ve said too much. Anyway, the Bison Hanger Steak was kind of like that. I did like the mashed potatoes it came with, but the green beans were way undercooked (which is probably how they’re supposed to be cooked, but I hate them that way).

Here are some of the other comments that were flying around the table of 12:

“Anybody want a taste of the tomato paste they piled on top of my pasta?”
“The fish is good, but that wheat pasta tastes like cardboard.”
“If you’re into freezer burn then you should try a bite of the ice cream.”
“My sex is on fire.”
“I hate your friends.”
“Um, we’ve been here for over an hour, when do you think she’ll take our order.”
“I wonder what she looks like naked.”

And the final “I hate this pace” kicker? The bill for Amy and I was $120 with tip. Yikes. I’m not saying $120 is expensive, as I’m happy to pay it for a decent meal. But for what we just ate, I would have felt ripped off if I was paying $50. Lucky for them the whole dinner was for charity, so I was happy to pay the $120 knowing it was going to a good cause (assuming they passed the money along, of course).

Wild Flower, I hope our paths never, ever, ever cross again.

Fone and fone.