America's Dog - Day 2

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph


Day 2

I’m now convinced that these aren’t hot dogs. They’re PowerBars wrapped in a poppy seed bun. I got up this morning with a belly full of America’s Dog (and some China Fast Wok), and went out and ran 7 miles. 7 miles! I haven’t run that far in a long time. The only explanation could be America’s Dog. I need to talk to the owner. This might be a health food place disguised as a hot dog joint. Of course for the first half of the run it felt like my fibula or tibia might snap underneath the weight of my heaviest-it’s-ever-been body, but that isn’t the fault of America’s Dog. That’s the fault of my appetite.

And now that I’ve discovered these hot dogs are actually energy bars, I’m pretty excited to keep eating them. We’ll see how I feel at the end of the week, but so far, so good. For today’s excursion my co-workers Tony and Michael joined me. It was a beautiful day for a walk, even though it’s only a block-and-a-half walk.

When we entered the place a group of about six smokin’ hot high school girls were walking out. Is it wrong of me to call high school girls hot? Probably. But I’m positive they were 18. I think. I hope. Either way I’m going to hell. And thank god I’m having a son.

The biggest downside of the place is the size. It’s really small. During a lunch rush it’s almost impossible to find a seat. Yesterday, Kasey and I had to stand and eat at a counter in the back. Today we had to play musical chairs to get a table. And on top of that the place is hot as death (I’m assuming death is hot. At least it will be for me since I’ll be in hell as punishment for my neck snapping at a bunch of 18-year-old girls).

Hot Dog: The Dallas Dog
Another one of those “city name doesn’t match the dog” dogs. This was a hot dog with chili, cheese, and onions. Seems like it should have been the Cincinnati dog. The chili is pretty average. It’s kind of watery. Definitely more of a liquid than a hearty chili. And they didn’t put a ton on there, which is actually a good move because of the kind of chili it is. My complaints about this dog where the onions and the cheese. Not enough onion, way too much cheese. I really only noticed like two onions on the whole thing, which was a bit of a shock. I was expecting them to have a hearty amount of onions with the chili, and then top it off with a nice, small layer of cheese. It was the exact opposite. It was a scarce serving of onions, then topped with this mound of finely shredded cheese. I think they used the cheese to try and hide what was going on down below. Since they skimped on the onions and the chili wasn’t pretty to look at, they tried to hide the whole thing with cheese. Which normally I wouldn’t mind, except it was shredded cheese and it wasn’t melting at all on top of the dog. If I was with my buddy Dru, he would have loved it, and probably asked for a side of cheese that he could eat with a fork. He also has a cholesterol level that’s higher than his credit score, so keep that in mind. Overall, I enjoyed the dog, but next time I’d probably just opt for the Houston dog, which is the same thing, sans cheese and onions. Fist bump with a manly ass slap.

Hot Dog: The Buffalo Dog
Buffalo sauce, blue cheese, and celery salt. Sounds like a good idea, but I’m not a big blue cheese guy, so this dog never stood a chance. Now, I know two other people who have gotten this dog and loved it, so if you like blue cheese, then this dog is right up your alley. I do wish they had more buffalo sauce on the thing. It was enough to add flavor, but I felt like it could have used a good dousing. In fact, I’m not quite sure why they don’t dip the dog (now that’s something I don’t say nearly enough) in buffalo sauce, throw it on the bun, then add another quick hit of the sauce on top. Seems like that would be the way to go. Oh well. I’m gonna have to give this dog a high five.

Side Item: French Fries
I love the French fries here. They are seasoned curly fries, like the kind you get at Arby’s. I love those fries, so it’s no surprise that I love these fries. And they give you a ton. I got a small order, and was almost upset at how many fries I got. It took me almost 1.2 seconds to get over it and devour the entire order. I can’t imagine any side item topping the fries, except for the cheese fries. In fact, based on the Green Bay dog and the fries, this place has the potential of creating the greatest cheese fries in the history of fatness. I’m giddy.

And you know what? Two days into this weeklong quest and I feel great. If my run in the morning goes as well as it did this morning, I think I might try to become the Jared of America’s Dog. “I ate two America’s Dog hot dogs a day and had the best workouts of my life, and I only gained 53 pounds!” (Note: I almost said “best runs of my life” but didn’t want anyone to get confused, though they have given me good runs. And I’ve shared too much.)



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.