Massa's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Massa’s
Location: 4120 N. Lindbergh



Since moving back down to the Lou I’ve been asked one question over and over and over and over again. And that question has always been asked by the same person - Neuman. And that question? “Have you been to Massa’s yet?”

That’s right, Massa’s (Of Course!). See, Neuman loves Massa’s. And I mean loves. It’s his favorite place to eat in the greater St. Louis area, and he’s from here, so his opinion is sorta relevant. And as a loyal BTF follower, he’s insisted that I check it out. But, in order to be able to give it a fair and balanced opinion I wanted to make sure I went to the Massa’s that he knows and loves (the dump by the airport). As you might recall from Operation: Heart Attack I’ve actually tried to go to Massa’s once for lunch, but they’re only open for dinner, and I could never see any conceivable way that I’d be anywhere near the airport for dinner. Ever.

Well, that all changed last week. Neuman was in town for work, and he wanted to grab dinner. Guess where he wanted to go?

So I was finally able to satisfy his yearlong (and then some) wish.

Driving there again, this time in the cover of night, I was even more surprised by just what a pile of turds this place is on the outside. Located on Lindberg just off St. Chuck Rock Road, Massa’s looks more like a Rub ‘n’ Tug. Or a restaurant that was once called Massa’s but has since been condemned. But on the inside, it couldn’t be more of pleasant surprise. Not because it’s nice or fancy, but because it seems like the kind of shady lounge that hasn’t changed in 30 years, and I like those types of places. It looked like something out of Carlito’s Way. And I mean that as a compliment. I think.

Speaking of Carlito’s Way, Tony joined us for dinner, so the three of us (after I was 20 minutes late) bellied up to the table in the corner, giving us perfect sightlines to enjoy the other (how shall I put it nicely) characters who were also having dinner that night.

We started the meal off right with a round of Michelob Lights, which seem hard to find these days. After that we couldn’t resist the Artichoke & Spinach Bake. In fact, Tony and I have never been able to resist any form of Spinach and Artichoke dip. I honestly can’t remember the last time we went to a place together that had it and didn’t order it. In fact, I don’t think it’s ever happened. So why break tradition now? Especially since I’ve never met a cheese dip I didn’t like.

Until now. I did not like the Artichoke & Spinach Bake. I loved it. I couldn’t get enough of it. In fact, I almost ordered a second one. It was that good. Just the perfect balance of cheese and garlic and plants and bakedness. If I had a complaint it’s that it’s served with crostini, and I prefer fried things, like chips, to dip into a dip. But again, I’m looking for something to complain about, as this thing was pretty much perfect. As my buddy Geoff would say, “The Artichoke & Spinach Bake don’t lie.”

Next, we got a large Italian Salad (greens, artichoke hearts, red onions, red pepper) with some salami added in, and had it tossed in the House dressing (Italian Style Ranch Dressing). Really enjoyed it. There was a little too much artichoke, and not enough salami (which was delicious), but otherwise it was thoroughly enjoyable. If you’re looking for something to hold you over between your appetizer and dinner, this isn’t a bad way to go.

But the big story here is the pizza. Is it better than anything else on the entrée menu? I have no idea. I didn’t try anything else on the entree menu. Neuman insisted on pizza, so we got pizza. Again, I’ve been hearing about this pizza for a year and a half. According to Neuman it’s not just the best pizza in town, it’s the best meal in town (then again, in this town that’s not saying much). Well, I was about to find out if that was really true.

We decided to get two pizzas, so we could try a couple different things. The first one was, of course, Bill’s Special. Why do I say “of course” (and why am I asking so many questions?)? Because Neuman hasn’t shut up about the Bill’s Special for over a year. For example, here’s just one part of an email from him. Keep in mind this was just kind of thrown in at the end of the email, almost like a P.S.:

“Don't forget about my pizza/salad recommendation at Massa's (Italian salad with House dressing and the Bill's Special Pizza).”

And believe me, I would get something like that every couple of weeks when I first moved down here, and then at least once a month until this moment. (Quick tangent: I thought the emails would stop, but instead I’ve gotten a couple “why haven’t you Tweeted/reviewed Massa’s yet?”)

Bill’s Special (definitely the better of the two pizzas we ordered) has hamburger, pepperoni, onion, and black olives. For our second pizza we decided to go with Jack’s Special, which was Italian sausage, mushroom, green pepper, and onions. And as we were finalizing the order with the waitress, Neuman asked, “Should we get one of them with mozzarella?” Oh crap. “I know how you hate St. Louis style pizza.” Son of a bitch. “Yes? No?” Goddamnit.

“You’ve been talking about this pizza forever,” I finally responded, “so I want to enjoy it as you most enjoy it.” And with that, I willingly agreed to eat a St. Louis style pizza. And guess what? It still sucks.

And it’s no longer an opinion, it’s a fact. And here’s why. Everything about Massa’s pizza was really, really, really good. The ingredients were plentiful and tasted fresh (or as fresh as ingredients can taste after they’ve been cooked at 300+ degrees), it had almost the perfect amount of sauce (could have used a dab more, but I’m just being picky), and it had the perfect crust. And I mean perfect for a thin crust pizza (because we all know a big chewy dough is where it’s at). It was so incredibly crisp, but not in anyway burnt, that I was half tempted to ask for a tour of the kitchen to watch how the cooking is done. I was truly amazed. Not soggy. Not burnt. With every bite just the perfect amount of crunch.

Yet all that was wasted because of the Provel. Provel on pizza isn’t good. It never was good. It never will be good. People from St. Louis claim they like it because it’s a St. Louis thing, not because they actually like it. And I’m OK with that. I think you should support anything “St. Louis style” or anything unique to St. Louis if you’re from here. It’s like rooting for local sports teams. It’s what you should do. I’m a Cubs fan even though they’ve embarrassed me for 32 years (and the city for more than 100). Do I secretly know they suck? Yes. But I’ll argue to the death about how they are actually good. And that’s how St. Louis people are about their pizza. They argue to the death that it’s good, but deep down they know it’s a joke.

So, I will go back to Massa’s (Of, Course!). I enjoyed the atmosphere, the service, and the Artichoke & Spinach Bake. And next time I hope to enjoy the pizza, assuming they’ve got plenty of mozzarella on hand.

Fist bump with a manly ass slap (with the potential to be a chest bump with a manly ass slap on my next mozzarella-filled visit).