Odge's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Odge’s Old Fashioned Red Hots
Locations: 730 N. Damen


There are some things in this world that will always make me smile. And here they are:

1. Seeing a guy get hit or kicked or punched in the balls. Always going to make me laugh. Even when I can feel their pain and reach down to make sure my own boys are doing OK, I’m still going to laugh. A person getting hit in the groin was the only reason I watched America’s Funniest Home Videos for so many years. I would sit there for 30 minutes just hoping to see one of those “daughter learning to swing a bat with her Dad then accidentally hitting him you know where causing him to double over and (ideally) fall through the screen door” videos.

2. Midgets are always going to be funny to me. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, they’re always funny. From Mini Me to Mini Kiss to Mini Michael Jackson, I’m gonna laugh.

3. You know what else I’m always going to find funny? Chimps. If they’re funny enough for Clint Eastwood, they’re funny enough for me.

4. Hot dogs. I love hot dogs. I always have. I always will. When I was a kid, I would almost eat nothing but hot dogs. I remember one time when I was visiting my Dad’s family. We were all sitting around the table in the dining room (otherwise known as the dining room table) and some food was put in front of everybody. I saw my plate, and the only thing I had to say was, “I don’t want this, I want a hot dog.” I became infamous for this phrase. For the next 20 years (and to this day, actually) I still get razzed for it. Every time we eat, someone says, “I don’t want this, I want a hot dog.” Then everyone laughs. Except me. Great story, right? I’m glad I took the time to tell it to you. My point is, hot dogs make me smile. And what’s better than having a hot dog wrapped in a bun topped with all the goodies? That’s right, two hotdogs wrapped in a bun topped with all the goodies. This also works for porn movies. And you know who has two hot dogs in a bun? Odge’s. And they cleverly call this a double dog (‘cause there are double the amount of dogs than you’d normally expect). It might be one of the best places to get a hot dog in the city. And not because they have the best dogs, but because the atmosphere there is unbeatable. The guys behind the counter couldn’t be friendlier or more genuine. Whether it’s your first time or you go everyday, somehow the guys behind the counter make you feel like you’re a regular. I’m always going to support places that have great, great service. And that’s Odge’s. Plus they serve double dogs.

5. Melted cheese. And Odge’s has that perfect they-call-it-cheese-but-it’s-probably-not-real-cheese cheese for their cheese fries. It’s thick with a nice cheddar taste. It’s the best cheese-fry cheese in the city. Of course a lot of places have the exact same kind (the same way a lot of places have Heinz ketchup), so maybe it’s more like a tie for the best cheese-fry cheese in the city. Either way, I love it.

6. Porn.

7. Chocolate will always make me smile, and the chocolate shake at Odge’s is pretty good. Not great, not awful, but pretty good. Kind of like their hot dogs.

8. Dick jokes and bathroom humor. What can I say; I’m 29 going on 14.

9. The feel of a neighborhood joint. And that’s Odge’s. A great neighborhood joint. Is it the kind of place you’d travel miles for? No. Is it the kind of place that you’re lucky and thankful for that it’s in your neighborhood? Yes. Could I devour a double dog, cheese fries and a chocolate shake everyday? Without a doubt.

10. Swingers. The movie, obviously. One of the best movies ever made, and it never fails to deliver no matter when I watch it or how many times I watch it. The best is when I haven’t seen it for a long time, so I forget just a little bit how good it is, and then I pop it in and remember why it is one of my all-time favorite movies.

11. Swingers. The wife swapping kind, obviously. And it doesn’t make me smile because I’m into wife swapping and having sex with other people. It’s because it sounds like this great, exotic, orgy filled, sexy lifestyle, except then you see the type of people who typically are swingers (I’ve watched a lot of Real Sex on HBO, and in liquor stores you’ll sometimes stumble across swingers magazines that are basically classifieds with pictures) and you’re amazed that they can convince one person to have sex with them, let alone multiple partners.

12. mmmmmm, donuts.


The list goes on and on, so I’ll just stop there. The only other thing I want to say about Odge’s is that I’m always disappointed in the chili. I want it to be better, but it just isn’t that great. But then again, it’s chili, so as long as it’s edible, I’m gonna eat it every time.

Overall, I’ll give Odge’s a fist bump. The food isn’t the best hot dog stand around (and probably not even the best in the neighborhood), but the people make it great. And I’m a people person. I’m also a lazy person, and it’s a short walk from where I live.



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