Carl's Drive In

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Carl’s Drive In
Location: 9033 Manchester, St. Louis, MO



Question: Does Carl’s Drive In make the best burger you’ll ever eat?
Answer: No, but I do have a couple of friends (Steve and Dave) who are willing to make an argument on Carl’s behalf.

Fact: Carl’s Drive In has a great, great burger, but it just isn’t the best burger you’ll ever eat.

Question: Where is the best burger you’ll ever eat?
Answer: Booches in Columbia, MO.

Question: So why not just go to Booches?
Answer: Irrelevant.

Fact: Carl’s Drive In is truly one of the best burger-joint experiences you’ll ever have.

Question: What does Carl’s have that other burger joints don’t?
Answer: Giant frosty mugs of root beer.

Question: But don’t other burger joints have root beer in ice-cold mugs?
False: It tastes better at Carl’s.

Fact: Burgers are made from cows. Cows eat grass. Humans plant grass. Therefore humans eat cows as revenge for them eating our grass.

Question: What makes Carl’s burgers so tasty?
Answer: Yes, they are tasty.

What? Exactly.

Fact: Carl’s takes a hockey-puck sized patty, flattens it as flat as it will go on the grill, or griddle, or whatever you call it, then cooks it until it’s crispy on the outside, locking in the flavor of the meat.

Fact: A polar bear is the most dangerous of all bears.

Fact: I can out run a snake.

Question: What do you get when you go to Carl’s?
Answer: Part 1 – good question. Part 2 – a double cheeseburger, onion rings, and a large mug of root beer.

Question: According to Wikipedia approximately 200-500-million sperm are released per ejaculation.
Answer: Wow.

Fact: The onion rings at Carl’s aren’t that good.

Fact: Carl’s has other stuff besides burgers, but I’ve never tried it.

Fact: If you get anything other than a burger at Carl’s I’ll call you a little girl.

Fact: There’s nothing wrong with being a little girl. Unless it’s because you won’t order a burger at Carl’s.

Question: What makes Carl’s such a great experience?
Answer: Your mom.
For Real Answer: It’s old school. It seats only about 10-15, plus some standing room along the wall. It’s a throw back and feels like a place you’d find on Route 66 back in the day. The service is friendly, the food is cooked in front of you, everything is served on paper plates, and the prices are cheap. And your mom.

Question: What were you doing in St. Louis?
Answer: None of your business.

Fact: It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Question: Does Carl’s have Peanut Butter and Jelly?
Answer: How should I know? They do have grilled cheese and pastrami and tamales. I’ve heard people like those things.

Fact: The Arch in St. Louis is a catenary curve and is as tall (630 ft) as it is wide (630 ft).

Question: How would you describe Carl’s in 4 words or less?
Answer: Carl’s Drive In is…

Fact: I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat.

Question: Is this review at all helpful?
Answer: I doubt it.

Question: What rating would you give Carl’s?
Answer: The food gets a chest bump. The experience gets a half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

Fact: Carl’s Drive In gets a chest bump with a manly ass slap. Go there. Order a burger. Order a root beer.

Fact: Yum.



Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

Golden Rise Bakery

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Golden Rise Bakery
Location: 2957 W. Diversey Ave.


A sale of the building where Golden Rise Bakery once resided in Oak Park drove them from their location. But, rather than close up shop, they decided to give it another shot at a new location. Lucky for me the new location is close to my crib. To celebrate Golden Rise, I’m gonna break it down with some other famous “golds”.


A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY
Golden Rise had the chance to close up shop after being forced out of their previous location, but they didn’t. Instead, they seized the opportunity and headed to a new location, taking a chance that they would find a new set of devoted customers in Logan Square. Well, they’ve found at least one (actually, according to Yelp.com it’s more like 9).


THE GOLDEN RULE
The basic message of The Golden Rule is to “treat others as you would like to be treated.” Let me tell you, nobody treats people better than Golden Rise. I can’t remember a time when I have experienced better customer service. The first time I went there the guy who waited on me gave me samples of anything and everything, and when I was done ordering he threw a couple free pastries in the bag. Service with a smile goes without saying here. The last time I was there a very rude customer was upset that they didn’t have cappuccino, and that there wasn’t more choices for breakfast sandwiches. But rather than react in any sort of negative way the lady working the counter (who I believe is one of the owners) just killed the man with kindness. No matter how upset he wanted to be, he just couldn’t keep it up. No matter that you think of the food here, you can’t help but have a good experience because of the people. They alone will keep me coming back.


AS GOOD AS GOLD
This perfectly describes the Basil Chicken Salad sandwich. As many of you know (and by many I mean all seven people who read the America’s Dog week-long review) I’m not a chicken salad guy. But one night here I was ordering a couple of sandwiches for me and my wife, and I couldn’t figure out what to get her. The guy behind the counter suggested the Chicken Salad and gave me a taste. I didn’t even want to try it. The thought of even a small taste made me uneasy. But once I had a bite I couldn’t get enough. This thing is one of the best sandwiches I’ve ever had. I liked it that much. The day I was there it was the special, but since then they’ve added it to the menu (thank god). Obviously since this is a bakery you expect the bread to be superb. And it is. I had the chicken salad (actually, my wife “had it”, but I consumed about 75% of it) on wheat. The bread is almost too much (almost, but not quite). It’s huge. You honestly feel like each slice is a loaf. It’s just these two huge doughy squares. I love bread. And for me, bread can make or break a sandwich. Or be so-so and have no effect on the sandwich either way (pretty eye-opening stuff, isn’t it?). Any who, I love the bread here. And it adds to the sandwich. Which is hard to do because the sandwiches are incredibly tasty to begin with.


WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN GOLD
The loaves of bread are. And not just the typical wheat, sourdough, or multi-grain. But the specialty breads like “jalapeño cheese” and “Russian rye”. And don’t get me started on the apple cinnamon or banana walnut bread. When you pick them up they feel like they’re 100 lbs. But when you slice them they are delicious and light and fluffy. I really can’t get enough of them. And if you’re not picky (like me) then you can get the “day old” version for half the price. And it doesn’t taste a day older at all. What a deal.


GOLDEN SHOWER
They don’t have golden showers here, but I’ve asked to have them added to the menu. Needless to say they’ve yet to do it. But there’s still hope.


SILENCE IS GOLDEN
The place is pretty quite these days. Each time I’ve been in there I haven’t seen more than a couple other customers, and most of them are getting things to go.


POT OF GOLD
I’d say the ice cream, but I haven’t tried it. But it’s ice cream, so how bad can it be?


ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD
The Breakfast Sandwiches. They sound good. They’re served on bread that is terrific. But there’s nothing special about them. They’re not bad; they’re just not the kind of breakfast sandwiches you’d go out of your way for. If you’re in the area, it’s a fine choice, because they are fresh. But the choices are limited (Egg, with a choice of bacon, ham, or cheese), and if you’re looking for breakfast, I’d highly suggest…


GOLD MINE
The pastries. I haven’t had a bad one yet. The chocolate croissant is my favorite. Tons of chocolate. And the cakes are also amazing. Call ahead and order a whole one for your next birthday party. You won’t regret it.


THE GOLDEN CHILD
I loved this movie. Remember when Eddie Murphy was funny? (and if your reaction to that question is, “What are you talking about? Norbit and The Nutty Professor 2 and Dr. Doolittle are funny.” then you’re dead to me.)


THE GOLD STANDARD
This would be the Farmer’s Basket Grilled Cheese. It’s a delicious combination of Gouda, Muenster, and cheddar cheeses, granny smith apple slices, and bacon (which makes everything better). It really is a great combo of flavors. The saltiness of the cheeses and bacon, perfectly complimented by the sweet juices of the granny smith apple. My only caveat is that if you order it to go it loses a little something by the time you get it home. It just doesn’t have that fresh-off-the-grill heat that I like with my grilled cheeses. So, if you order it, I recommend eating it there.


GOLDEN RISE BAKERY
A great add to the neighborhood. Great place for sandwiches. Great place for breads. Great place for pastries. And probably a great place for ice cream. Fist bump with a manly ass slap. I’ll be making many, many visits here.


Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

America's Dog - Day 5

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph


Day 5


Well, all good things must come to an end. Like the Bulls’ season. Sanjaya (aka Mangina). And my hot dog eating obsession. It was a good week. Just not for my intestines.

To answer the question once and for all, yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. I asked the order-taker girl today if anyone turned in a pair of sunglasses. And she said yes. And better yet, they were mine. I couldn’t have been more excited. And that’s before I even ate the hot dogs.

Today I had a lot of company. Katie, who claims I have ruined her life by introducing her to America’s Dog, because she can’t stop thinking about it. Kasey, who claims I have ruined his life because he has to work with me and I embarrass him at NERF hoops on a weekly basis. Matt, whose life I haven’t ruined yet, but it’s only a matter of time. And Heather, who is dating Kasey. No joke needed there. I kind of feel like Vinny Chase right now.

Hot Dog: The Chicago Dog
Wanted to save the classic for the last day. Not bad. Definitely not the best Chicago dog in the city, but at least they get it right. There are better things on the menu, and if you really want a chi-town dog downtown I’m a Max’s take-out or Downtown Dog kind of guy. Fist bump.

Hot Dog: The Philadelphia Dog
Great concept here. It’s a build-your-own-dog dog (get it? Philly is the city that’s home to freedom, and this is the freedom to have a dog any way you want it? Genius.). I went with the fried hot dog, chili, melted cheddar cheese (scoopable cheese), grilled onions, buffalo sauce, celery salt, and a pickle. And a defibrillator. Not a bad dog, if I do say so myself. But quite frankly it was a little too much. The Philly Dog gets a half handshake, half chest-bump hug. My version of the Philly Dog gets a fist-bump with a manly ass slap.

Side Item: Cheese Fries
I’m not even sure where to start. It’s a HUGE box of their delicious curly fries topped with scoopable cheese. OK, I guess I do know where to start. They’re also amazing. I love the fries. I love the cheese. I love the fries and cheese together. The best side item I got all week. Half handshake, half chest-bump hug.


So, what did we learn this week? A lot.

- America’s Dog hot dogs are really energy bars wrapped in poppy seed buns and should be handed out during marathons instead of Gatorade and gel packs.
- I’m fat.
- America’s Dog is the best concept in hot dogs that I’ve seen in quite some time.
- Fishing really can be dangerous.
- Scoopable cheese makes everything better.
- There’s no such thing as a bad corn dog. And if there is one out there, I hope I never find it.
- Scott Skiles got out-coached by Flip Saunders, which I’m embarrassed to even type.
- Everyone should start calling me The Big Delicious.
- I’m going to hell.
- I’m fat.
- You can eat at America’s Dog for an entire week and not get tired of it.
- Morgan Spurlock is a crybaby.


America’s Dog gets a half handshake, half chest-bump hug.


Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

America's Dog - Day 4

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph


Day 4

America’s Dog just got a lot more expensive for me. Today when I was there (a solo mission, which sounds a lot like my high school sex life) my sunglasses got stolen. Remember when I mentioned the other day that seating was limited and Kasey and I had to stand at the counter in the back? Well they’ve added high chairs to all the counters, so now there are about 8 additional seats in the place. All the booths were full, so I grabbed the counter seat by the front door. When my order was called I went up to get it, leaving my sunglasses and cup of water behind to save my seat. In the 12 seconds it took to get my order and get back to my seat, the glasses were gone. I’m not sure if I should be pissed off or impressed. It took me longer than that to lose my virginity. The thing that annoys me the most is that when I was in Phoenix I left my sunglasses at a restaurant, and I liked them so much that I went out and bought the exact same ones to replace them. And now those are gone. From here on out I’m sticking to the Blue Blockers. Nobody is stealing those babies.

I know I’ve been focused on the hot dogs all week, but let me just take a second to address some other things on the menu. Today I saw someone get an Italian beef, and it was dipped. And I mean they took that thing by the tongs, submerged it in the vat of juice, and let it sit in there for a couple seconds. That is how you dip a beef.

My favorite thing on the menu (even though I’ve never actually had it) is their burger, The Big Delicious. I just love the name. If I could give myself any nickname it would be The Big Delicious.

Hot Dog: The Charleston Dog
I got this to make up for the fact that I didn’t get it yesterday. I’m not a big cole slaw guy. And by “not a big cole slaw guy” I mean I hate the stuff. Never eat it. You know what’s surprising? I hate any salad type of thing that’s made with mayo. Chicken salad. Tuna salad. And cole slaw (which I consider to just be cabbage salad). As much as I love mayo, and all things unhealthy, you’d think anything smothered in the stuff would be right up my alley. But it’s not. However, I really enjoyed this hot dog. I was kind of expecting it to turn out like the buffalo dog, where the ingredient I hate ends up ruining the dog for me. Not the case here. It actually added to it. And the fact that there was a layer of chili underneath it certainly didn’t hurt. Fist bump with a manly ass slap.

Hot Dog: The Des Moines Dog
It’s a corn dog. How could this not be good? And I really loved it. It’s not one of those greasy, salty tasting corn dogs (which I love). It tastes like it was dipped in a cornbread batter then fried. It gives it this great sweet taste, which balances out the salty taste of the dog. And it isn’t greasy. Just a nice, soft dough texture. The best way to describe it is a hot dog wrapped in cornbread. Chest bump with a manly ass slap.

Side Item: Buffalo Popcorn Chicken
I love that the menu offers a lot of side item variety. I just wish it didn’t all suck. Just like the onion rings and cheese sticks, the popcorn chicken is disappointing. Plus it’s served with BBQ sauce, which came out of nowhere, since I was expecting buffalo sauce. From here on out, it’s fries or nothing. Handshake.

Four days down and I still feel great. Either I have an iron stomach, or I’m just fat.



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

America's Dog - Day 3

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph


Day 3

It’s official. These aren’t hot dogs, they’re energy bars. I had another great run this morning, and the morning runs when I was finished. The Louisiana Dog is now the PowerBar Dog. The Green Bay Dog is now the Clif Bar Dog. The Dallas Dog is the Zone Bar Dog. And so on. I really do feel great. No heartburn, no stomachaches, no sluggishness, no nothin’. I think America’s Dog should become an official part of the Chicago Marathon training process.

Three days in and I think my biggest problem with America’s Dog is the cost. Everyday I get two hot dogs and a side item and it’s impossible for me to walk out of there without paying under $7. Just seems like a little much for a hot dog place. Back in my day (once you hit 30 I think you can pull out the “back in my day” routine) you could get two hot dogs and a side of fries for $3. In fact, I think you can still do this at Mickey’s in Oak Park. Don’t get me wrong, the variety and quality of the dogs are worth it, but it still doesn’t feel right.

For today’s excursion I was joined by Rex and JT. Now, I’ve been a little critical of whether or not all the hot dogs are authentic to their host cities, so having JT there was nice. He’s from North Carolina, and the second he saw the Charleston Dog he made a comment about how right on it was. “Just like we do it back home.” So now I feel better about the whole thing. And with that knowledge and the fact I was with someone from N.C. it seems like ordering the Charleston Dog (which is covered in cole slaw) would have made sense, but of course I didn’t. The majority of the lunchtime conversation revolved around The Deadliest Catch, which apparently is a TV show on the discovery channel that documents how guys risk their lives to catch crabs for a living. If I had known I could have made a career out of catching crabs I would have never left college. HI-YO! Anyway, the show follows a bunch of fisherman who cruise the Barren Straits fishing for crab. Supposedly it’s one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. Sounds like fun, except the exact opposite. If you’ve ever seen the movie The Perfect Storm, it’s a lot like that, except in colder water, with more danger, and crabs instead of fish. At first I wasn’t sure why anyone would risk their lives for a job like that, but then I realized that I would probably risk my life for an unlimited supply of hot dogs, so I can relate.

Oh, and thanks to Rex I’m now going to refer to this “event” as me doing it Doggy Style all week.

Hot Dog: The San Francisco Dog
You know how I’m skeptical of how authentic these dogs are (and if you’re not familiar then you must have skipped the last paragraph)? Well, here’s one reason why: on the website they call this the Cosmic Dog. I’m beginning to think they just thought of good hot dog combos and randomly assigned cities to them. The San Fran/Cosmic Dog has chili, mustard, ketchup, relish, pickle, tomato, shredded cheddar cheese, and celery salt. It sounds like a mess of dog, and it was. It was hard to keep in one piece and I ended up with chili and other ingredients all over my hand. But other than that it was a great dog. I expected all the ingredients to compete with each other and the whole thing to taste like a garbage disposal, but it was really good. An easy chest bump.

Hot Dog: The Baltimore Dog
What if I told you that you could get a hot dog that was deep-fried then topped with melted cheddar cheese and grilled onions. Is that something you might be interested in? Well, it was something I was interested in. You might need earmuffs for this, but this hot dog almost made me finish in my pants. I’ve consumed god knows how many hot dogs in my life, and I think I might consider this the best one I’ve ever had. Now, I know that’s saying a lot, but hear me out. It’s a hot dog – but deep-fried. Then it’s topped with cheese – but scoopable cheese. And then onions – but grilled onions. It’s the greatest combo I could ever imagine. The best versions of the best ingredients. Look at it like this. Kobe Bryant is a hot dog. Just a great player that’s one of the best in the game. But a fried hot dog? That’s Michael Jordan. LeBron might be cheese, but Magic was scoopable cheese. Dirk might be onions (he definitely smells like them with the way he stunk up the joint in the first round), but Bird is grilled onions. This isn’t a Hall of Fame hot dog; it’s the greatest-of-all-time hot dog. I have no choice but to give it the famous HJ ranking.

Side Item: Cheese Sticks
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! OK, they weren’t that bad, but I like a really gooey cheese stick (shocker), and these weren’t melted. It was basically a warm, breaded string cheese. They were better than the onion rings, but still nothing special. High five.




Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

America's Dog - Day 2

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph


Day 2

I’m now convinced that these aren’t hot dogs. They’re PowerBars wrapped in a poppy seed bun. I got up this morning with a belly full of America’s Dog (and some China Fast Wok), and went out and ran 7 miles. 7 miles! I haven’t run that far in a long time. The only explanation could be America’s Dog. I need to talk to the owner. This might be a health food place disguised as a hot dog joint. Of course for the first half of the run it felt like my fibula or tibia might snap underneath the weight of my heaviest-it’s-ever-been body, but that isn’t the fault of America’s Dog. That’s the fault of my appetite.

And now that I’ve discovered these hot dogs are actually energy bars, I’m pretty excited to keep eating them. We’ll see how I feel at the end of the week, but so far, so good. For today’s excursion my co-workers Tony and Michael joined me. It was a beautiful day for a walk, even though it’s only a block-and-a-half walk.

When we entered the place a group of about six smokin’ hot high school girls were walking out. Is it wrong of me to call high school girls hot? Probably. But I’m positive they were 18. I think. I hope. Either way I’m going to hell. And thank god I’m having a son.

The biggest downside of the place is the size. It’s really small. During a lunch rush it’s almost impossible to find a seat. Yesterday, Kasey and I had to stand and eat at a counter in the back. Today we had to play musical chairs to get a table. And on top of that the place is hot as death (I’m assuming death is hot. At least it will be for me since I’ll be in hell as punishment for my neck snapping at a bunch of 18-year-old girls).

Hot Dog: The Dallas Dog
Another one of those “city name doesn’t match the dog” dogs. This was a hot dog with chili, cheese, and onions. Seems like it should have been the Cincinnati dog. The chili is pretty average. It’s kind of watery. Definitely more of a liquid than a hearty chili. And they didn’t put a ton on there, which is actually a good move because of the kind of chili it is. My complaints about this dog where the onions and the cheese. Not enough onion, way too much cheese. I really only noticed like two onions on the whole thing, which was a bit of a shock. I was expecting them to have a hearty amount of onions with the chili, and then top it off with a nice, small layer of cheese. It was the exact opposite. It was a scarce serving of onions, then topped with this mound of finely shredded cheese. I think they used the cheese to try and hide what was going on down below. Since they skimped on the onions and the chili wasn’t pretty to look at, they tried to hide the whole thing with cheese. Which normally I wouldn’t mind, except it was shredded cheese and it wasn’t melting at all on top of the dog. If I was with my buddy Dru, he would have loved it, and probably asked for a side of cheese that he could eat with a fork. He also has a cholesterol level that’s higher than his credit score, so keep that in mind. Overall, I enjoyed the dog, but next time I’d probably just opt for the Houston dog, which is the same thing, sans cheese and onions. Fist bump with a manly ass slap.

Hot Dog: The Buffalo Dog
Buffalo sauce, blue cheese, and celery salt. Sounds like a good idea, but I’m not a big blue cheese guy, so this dog never stood a chance. Now, I know two other people who have gotten this dog and loved it, so if you like blue cheese, then this dog is right up your alley. I do wish they had more buffalo sauce on the thing. It was enough to add flavor, but I felt like it could have used a good dousing. In fact, I’m not quite sure why they don’t dip the dog (now that’s something I don’t say nearly enough) in buffalo sauce, throw it on the bun, then add another quick hit of the sauce on top. Seems like that would be the way to go. Oh well. I’m gonna have to give this dog a high five.

Side Item: French Fries
I love the French fries here. They are seasoned curly fries, like the kind you get at Arby’s. I love those fries, so it’s no surprise that I love these fries. And they give you a ton. I got a small order, and was almost upset at how many fries I got. It took me almost 1.2 seconds to get over it and devour the entire order. I can’t imagine any side item topping the fries, except for the cheese fries. In fact, based on the Green Bay dog and the fries, this place has the potential of creating the greatest cheese fries in the history of fatness. I’m giddy.

And you know what? Two days into this weeklong quest and I feel great. If my run in the morning goes as well as it did this morning, I think I might try to become the Jared of America’s Dog. “I ate two America’s Dog hot dogs a day and had the best workouts of my life, and I only gained 53 pounds!” (Note: I almost said “best runs of my life” but didn’t want anyone to get confused, though they have given me good runs. And I’ve shared too much.)



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

America's Dog - Day 1

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: America’s Dog
Location: 26 E. Randolph

I’ve had a lot of bad ideas in my lifetime, but this might be one of the worst. See, several months ago America’s Dog opened on Randolph, just a couple of blocks from my office. Now, the concept of America’s Dog is that the owners (two brothers) took a road trip after college and drove across the country, eating hot dogs wherever they could be found along the way. They took all their favorites and put them on one menu. So America’s Dog is like 15 different hot dogs from across America. Pretty simple. Incredibly genius. In fact, it kind of makes me mad. How did I not think of this? Well, probably because I didn’t own a car that could be trusted for a trip longer than 50 miles until about 1990-never. Well, my bright idea was to do a weeklong America’s Dog challenge. Kind of like a kick-off to the dog-days of summer (Get it? Dog days? I’m hilarious.).

Here’s how it works: Everyday I’ll head over there for lunch and eat a couple of different dogs and a side item. Each day will be a totally new experience. The only thing that will be constant is the trip to stall #2 everyday around 2:30. That’s the part I’m really looking forward to.

Onto Day 1

I’ve been to America’s Dog a couple of times, so I already know what to expect. Since I’ve already tried a decent selection of the dogs on the menu, I decided to try two new ones. First up, Louisiana Dog.

Hot Dog: The Louisiana Dog
This dog is slathered with BBQ sauce, and then topped with grilled onions and a couple of tomatoes. Oh, let me also say that you have the option of getting a regular-size dog or a jumbo-size dog. For this week (and this week only) I’m going with the regular-size dogs. While I’m not happy about the decision, I’d also like to live to see the end of the week. Loved the BBQ sauce on this dog. It was sweet and tangy. Kind of reminded me of a Kansas City BBQ sauce (and speaking of, how is this not the K.C. Dog?). The onions were perfect. Grilled to perfection, and huge pieces to boot. They weren’t over-cooked and they had a nice flavor to them. I could have done without the tomatoes. They weren’t that big (which I was happy about), but also didn’t add anything to the dog. The nice thing about this dog was that you could really get your hands around it and eat it relatively easily. Some of the dogs here can become a little overwhelming. Kasey (my man-date for this trip) gotta dog with cheese, chili, and more chili, and you could only eat it with a knife and fork. Not the way a hot dog is supposed to be enjoyed. The dogs are also pretty long. If they were a porn star their stage name would be Slim Shady, while the jumbo dog would be Girth Brooks*. The dogs also have a nice flavor to them. Can’t tell if they’re Vienna Beef or Best Kosher or whatever, but either way they’re pretty tasty. Overall, I’ll give the Louisiana Dog a fist bump. Wouldn’t be my first choice in the future, but a solid option none-the-less.

Hot Dog: The Green Bay Dog
This might be the only thing to come from Green Bay that I like. Well, maybe the second thing. Last year I sold a dresser on Craig’s List to a couple from Green Bay, and they were really nice. Upgraded the city from a 0 to a 2 on my scale. Then came the Green Bay Dog. It’s a hot dog with melted cheddar cheese. And not just a little cheese, but a ton of cheese. And not some microwaved slice or shreds, but the kind that you scoop with a ladle. It’s no secret that I love scoopable cheese. And hot dogs. Combine the two? It just made my pants fit a little tighter, if you know what I mean. Green Bay just got upgraded from a 2 to a 5. An easy half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

Side Item: Onion Rings
These were really, really disappointing. I love onion rings. They might be my second favorite side item next to cheese fries. These looked promising. The size of each ring was huge, and I like big food. But they weren’t good. They kind of tasted like the frozen onion rings you get at the store and bake in the oven. They didn’t taste fried enough and weren’t greasy enough. And yes, I’m fat. Just a handshake.

At the end of the day I felt pretty good. Even had an ice-cream cone and a large order of General Tao’s Chicken for dinner. I think that guy from Super Size Me was making all of that “I feel awful when I eat fattening food” thing up. I feel like a could run a tenth of a mile. No problem.

Day 2 coming tomorrow.

*© Sally McCarthy





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