Carl's Drive In

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Carl’s Drive In
Location: 9033 Manchester, St. Louis, MO



Question: Does Carl’s Drive In make the best burger you’ll ever eat?
Answer: No, but I do have a couple of friends (Steve and Dave) who are willing to make an argument on Carl’s behalf.

Fact: Carl’s Drive In has a great, great burger, but it just isn’t the best burger you’ll ever eat.

Question: Where is the best burger you’ll ever eat?
Answer: Booches in Columbia, MO.

Question: So why not just go to Booches?
Answer: Irrelevant.

Fact: Carl’s Drive In is truly one of the best burger-joint experiences you’ll ever have.

Question: What does Carl’s have that other burger joints don’t?
Answer: Giant frosty mugs of root beer.

Question: But don’t other burger joints have root beer in ice-cold mugs?
False: It tastes better at Carl’s.

Fact: Burgers are made from cows. Cows eat grass. Humans plant grass. Therefore humans eat cows as revenge for them eating our grass.

Question: What makes Carl’s burgers so tasty?
Answer: Yes, they are tasty.

What? Exactly.

Fact: Carl’s takes a hockey-puck sized patty, flattens it as flat as it will go on the grill, or griddle, or whatever you call it, then cooks it until it’s crispy on the outside, locking in the flavor of the meat.

Fact: A polar bear is the most dangerous of all bears.

Fact: I can out run a snake.

Question: What do you get when you go to Carl’s?
Answer: Part 1 – good question. Part 2 – a double cheeseburger, onion rings, and a large mug of root beer.

Question: According to Wikipedia approximately 200-500-million sperm are released per ejaculation.
Answer: Wow.

Fact: The onion rings at Carl’s aren’t that good.

Fact: Carl’s has other stuff besides burgers, but I’ve never tried it.

Fact: If you get anything other than a burger at Carl’s I’ll call you a little girl.

Fact: There’s nothing wrong with being a little girl. Unless it’s because you won’t order a burger at Carl’s.

Question: What makes Carl’s such a great experience?
Answer: Your mom.
For Real Answer: It’s old school. It seats only about 10-15, plus some standing room along the wall. It’s a throw back and feels like a place you’d find on Route 66 back in the day. The service is friendly, the food is cooked in front of you, everything is served on paper plates, and the prices are cheap. And your mom.

Question: What were you doing in St. Louis?
Answer: None of your business.

Fact: It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Question: Does Carl’s have Peanut Butter and Jelly?
Answer: How should I know? They do have grilled cheese and pastrami and tamales. I’ve heard people like those things.

Fact: The Arch in St. Louis is a catenary curve and is as tall (630 ft) as it is wide (630 ft).

Question: How would you describe Carl’s in 4 words or less?
Answer: Carl’s Drive In is…

Fact: I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat.

Question: Is this review at all helpful?
Answer: I doubt it.

Question: What rating would you give Carl’s?
Answer: The food gets a chest bump. The experience gets a half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

Fact: Carl’s Drive In gets a chest bump with a manly ass slap. Go there. Order a burger. Order a root beer.

Fact: Yum.



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