Victory's Banner

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: Victory’s Banner
Location: 2100 W. Roscoe


At the end of “Ghostbusters”, Gozer asks the guys to “choose the form of the destructor”. Peter realizes that whatever, or whoever, they think of will be the thing that comes and destroys them. So they all clear their heads of any thoughts. So nothing can come kill them. But then, out of nowhere, is the most terrifying beast imaginable – The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Ray explains that he “tried to think of the most harmless thing…something that could never, ever possibly destroy us.”

Well, if I were in Ray’s position I would have been thinking about the French toast at Victory’s Banner. It’s, by far, the best French toast I’ve ever had. Just giant, soft, gooey, sweet pieces of syrup covered goodness. Even Gozer couldn’t convince them to hurt a soul.

By the way, how bad am I dating myself with a “Ghostbusters” reference? And as another random tangent, who was more of a comedic genius – Bill Murray or Chevy Chase? Everyone quickly says Bill Murray, but I think a big reason for that is because of Bill Murray’s longetivity (which does count for something). He was funny back in the late 70’s/early 80’s, and is still funny today (thanks in large part to his resurrection courtesy of Wes Anderson). And since we’re such a “what have you done for me lately” society, we quickly dismiss the question as ridiculous. But let’s take a closer look, shall we.


HIGHEST POINT

Chevy Chase:
1985. I realize it was over 20 years ago, but that’s the year that “Fletch”, “European Vacation”, and “Spies Like Us” came out. Look at that list again. Most comedic actors don’t have three movies that good in their entire career, and Chevy did it in one year. It’s an amazing accomplishment. At that time most people thought he was just hitting stride, nowhere near hitting his peak. But looking back that’s exactly what 1985 was. Sure, he had some great movies in the years that followed, but nothing ever came close to 1985. And really, he didn’t have that many great movies after ’85.

Bill Murray:
You’d think 2004, since that’s the year he won a Golden Globe and was nominated for an Oscar. Which is amazing, because if you were a betting man, even a compulsive one like my buddy Larry, in the 80’s you never would have put money on “Bill Murray will be nominated for an Oscar some day”. But we’re talking about being a comedic genius, not a good actor. And “Lost In Translation” wasn’t funny. Sure, it had funny moments, but nobody would confuse it with a comedy. So we can’t count 2004. I’d say 1998/1999. “Rushmore” came out and kind of put Bill Murray back on the map. And the weird thing is he never really fell off the map (the way Chevy did), but “Rushmore” really made people realize that Bill could do more than classic slapstick comedy, and could do more intelligent things. And not just because it was funny, but because he was a good enough actor to make it funny yet believable. He even got a Golden Globe nomination for the role. It was after this performance that he got the chance to do something similar in “Royal Tenenbaums”, which then led to “Lost in Translation”, which then led to the Oscar. So I would consider “Rushmore” his highest point.



LOWEST POINT

Chevy Chase:
“The Chevy Chase Show”. I don’t think I have to say much else about it. If you never saw it, be thankful. If you don’t believe me, go youtube it. Just miserable. And he never really recovered from it. The only decent (and I use that word lightly) movie he made after that was “Vegas Vacation”.

Bill Murray:
I’m going to have to say “Garfield” for many reasons. 1) Because I hate Garfield. 2) He had to know that Breckin Meyer and Jennifer Love Hewitt were both involved, and yet he still agreed to do it. 3) This came after “Rushmore”, “Royal”, and “Lost”. How do you do those tree movies, have all the momentum in the world, and still feel the need to collect a paycheck by doing the voice for this movie? And then agree to do a second movie? It’s not like he has young kids he’s doing it for. It really angers me, and brings him down a notch. And here’s a random fact: the guy who did Peter Venkman’s voice on the animated Ghostbusters series was the same guy who used to do Garfield’s voice in the animated series back in the day. Then Murray, who first played Venkman, ends up doing Garfield’s voice for the animated movies. Why do I know this? Because it’s useless information.


5 BEST MOVIES

Keep in mind they had to play a key role and really add something to the movie, not just make a quick cameo/appearance that didn’t add much other than an extra credit to their IMDB page.


Chevy Chase:
(in no particular order) Caddyshack, Fletch, Spies Like Us, Vacation, Three Amigos

That’s a monster top 5. They are each all-time classics. The perfect balance of funny and total stupidity. How do I know they’re great movies? Because any time I’m watching them and my wife walks in the room, she turns around and walks out. That’s how you know something is truly, truly funny on many different levels: my wife hates it. And he just played each role perfectly. Whether it was slapstick, or loveable idiot, or sarcastic straight man (think Vince Vaughn before Vince Vaughn was Vince Vaughn), he killed it. Out of the park every time.


Bill Murray:
(in no particular order) Caddyshack, Stripes (the first half), What About Bob, Rushmore, Meatballs

Bill’s list is a little tougher to narrow down. I think he has more quality comedies to choose from, which is an advantage, but I don’t think his top 5 is as good at Chevy’s top 5. And that counts for something. Plus, Stripes was more of a half-movie. After they leave training the movie is a mess and almost unwatchable. You look at Bill’s top 5 and you think, “Those are five great movies. Wow.” But you look at Chevy’s and you think, “those are five of my all-time favorite movies. Holy crap. That man was a genius.”

5 WORST MOVIES

Chevy Chase:
Caddyshack II, Fletch Lives, Memoirs of an Invisible Man, Man of the House, Nothing But Trouble

I don’t want to spend a lot of time talking about any of these, because they were so bad, but just wanted to say that I recognize he didn’t really play a major role in “Caddyshack II”, but the fact that he even agreed to appear on screen is almost unforgivable.


Bill Murray:
Garfield, Quick Change, Stripes (the second half), Larger Than Life, Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties

I think it was harder to find 5 terrible movies that Bill did, while narrowing Chevy’s 5 worst was easy to do, because there were so many to choose from. Really, if you take away the two Garfield movies, the other three are bad, but not unbearable. You could sit through them if you had to, which is a plus.


FINAL THOUGHTS

I think if you’re looking at their careers as a whole, you’d probably, at gunpoint, have to say Murray, simply because he’s so good for so long. He never really had a big lull in his career. Never made bad movie after bad movie. He has more quality movies than Chevy, and less awful movies as well. But, I think that Chevy has made funnier movies. You look again at his top five and it’s amazing. I don’t think Murray’s five come close. And creating several all-time classics instead of a ton of good movies has to count for something.

And that’s why it’s a little more complicated than “Bill Murray, hands down.” My vote would be for Chevy. But I think the real winners are all of us.


Anyway, back to Victory’s Banner and the French toast.

There was nothing fancy about the French toast. They weren’t a chocolate tower of French toast and they weren’t topped with some exotic fruit and they didn’t have some special ingredient baked in and they didn’t use some kind of unique bread. It was just good old-fashioned French toast. And the best I’ve ever had.

The slices were nice and big. But they weren’t dense. That’s usually a huge problem with French toast. Either the bread is too slim and flimsy and you feel like you’re eating a wet napkin. Or it’s really thick and dense, and you feel like you’re eating a moist (sorry Debbie) brick. Both are miserable.

But the bread at Victory’s was perfect. Nice and thick, but incredibly light and fluffy. It was able to soak up the syrup without falling apart. But still soak it up enough that you got to taste the syrup and bread with each bite.

On top of it all they had a great butter to go along with it. It was some special peach-flavored butter. It just added to the sweetness of the whole dish. I’ll admit the butter is “unique”, but it was unique in a way that added to the meal, not overpower it, and it didn’t feel like a gimmick. Most of the time when places have some unique French toast, it’s some gimmick and overpowers the best parts of a classic French toast. This didn’t. It was the perfect compliment. I wanted to smear the entire plate all over my body. But my wife talked me out of it. Maybe next time.

I should also mention that the place is vegetarian (I don’t have to say it, but you know), so all the meats are made of veggie-friendly products. My wife had some eggs mixed with some fake meat, and it was really good. Not nearly as good as the French toast, but not a bad option. And the potatoes were also really good.

All that being said I would say everything at Victory’s Banner is pretty good/above average. But the French toast is worth going out of your way for. I think they get the elite HJ rating on their own.

But because of everything else, the place only gets a chest bump.


Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

J Patrick's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: J Patrick’s
Location: 1365 W. Erie


Look, I know it goes without saying, but I feel the need to reiterate the sentiment from time to time: I’m awesome. Honest to god, I am. And if you don’t believe, me, I can prove it.

Exhibit A:
My fadeaway in basketball. It’s unstoppable. Granted, it isn’t the same after I’ve put on about 30 lbs in the last 5 years, but if I have my back to you and the ball in my hands, you might as well just head on down the court, cause the ball is going in the hoop faster than LiLo goes into rehab.

Exhibit B:
My shoe collection. It’s extensive. My closet is like a mini version of MTV Cribs. And everyone on MTV Cribs is awesome. Therefore, so am I.

Exhibit C:
My fantasy football skills. I’ve won no less than one fantasy football league in the past nine years. And I’ve won no more than one fantasy football league in the last nine years. You try playing in five different leagues every year for nine years and win only one championship. Seriously, I dare you. It isn’t easy. In fact, you have to be awesome to pull off the feat.

Exhibit D:
I have a 10-inch johnson.

Exhibit E:
I’m a really good liar.

Exhibit F:
I’m an above average dancer. Depending on your definition of average.

Exhibit G:
I own my own bowling ball. And bowling shoes. And bowling bag. And bowling towel. Have you ever met anyone who has all that and isn’t awesome? Didn’t think so.

Exhibit H:
You can’t spell “awesome” without “me”. It’s a true story. You can look it up on Wikipedia. Or in the dictionary. Or on one of those “witty” t-shirts that my buddy Neuman owns.

Exhibit I:
I totally knew Norah Jones was going to be killer before anyone else did. Ask my mom. I bought her the CD way before anyone was buying that CD.

Exhibit J:
I ate the Indulgence Burger at J Patrick’s and am on the Indulgence Wall of Fame. Yes, you read that correctly.

And since I can tell you’re already scratching your head and asking yourself, “What’s the Indulgence Burger?” I’ll tell you. It’s two half-pound patties of meat, two fried eggs, French fries (yes, French fries on the burger), bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, pickles, ketchup, mustard, and a bun. And also a coronary. Plus a side item (I went with onion rings). All you have to do is eat the entire thing (including the side item), and you make it onto the Indulgence Wall of Fame.

That’s right, I ate it. In record time. And was searching for dessert afterwards (which they don’t have, but I’ll get to that in a minute).

Here’s the story:

Dave, who lives in Geoff’s building (actually lived) was moving to Boston with his wife (even though there is still a little bit of a debate as to his sexual preference), so him and Geoff were going to grab a beer and bite to eat one last time. Turns out it was also one first time. For all the time they lived in the building together, they never really hung out. Either way, I invited myself to crash the party.

Geoff had been talking about J Patrick’s for a while. Apparently they changed ownership after the New Year and also changed their menu. Now it had a bunch of burgers to choose from, along with some surprisingly healthy options. And rumor had it everything was good. But I wouldn’t know, because I never even got to look at the menu. As I opened it up Geoff simply said, “Check out the last thing on the menu.” It was the Indulgence Burger. Done and done.

While I was busy ordering a heart attack with a side of spare tire, Dave ordered the cucumber sandwiches. I almost punched him in the mouth. I’m still trying to get over the fact that a place that offers the Indulgence Burger also offers cucumber sandwiches. But they do. Dave is a vegetarian (gay), and said the mini sandwiches (gay) were really, really good (gay), so if you’re a vegetarian (gay) hanging out with some meat eaters (not gay), you might want to check out J Patrick’s. They actually have a bunch of vegetarian options (gay joke getting old, I know, but still, gay), so it’s something to consider.

And the best part of the whole thing? The burger was actually good. I was fully expecting it to be over cooked, or dry, or awful on many different levels. But it wasn’t. It was actually really juicy. And tasty. I started off by grabbing the top patty and top bun and eating that half like you would a burger. It went down quickly. The bottom half was a little messier because the bun had time to soak up the blood from the burger (yes, it was as delicious as it sounds). So I had to eat the bottom half with a fork and knife (gay), but nothing was going to stop me from finishing this thing. I should probably tell you at this point that I ordered the burger sans mushrooms (which you know I hate), so to make up for that I had to eat four extra pickle spears. Little did J Patrick’s know that pickles are my 3rd favorite thing in the entire world to eat. No sweat.

The onion rings were OK. They started off really good, as I devoured half of them before even attempting to take a bite of the burger, but by the end I had to wash them down with my manhattans. The problem is they got cold, and they really weren’t good cold.

The highlight of the night (other than Dave saying, “Now, I know I’m no Sinbad…”) was that I convinced the manager to make a certificate certifying my accomplishment. It is being framed as we speak.

So the Big Delicious destroyed the Indulgence Burger, making me now the Big Indulgence.

Like I said, I’m awesome.

My only real complaint is that they don’t have dessert there, and I really needed something sweet after all that grease. Maybe they’ll get their act together and make an Indulgence Ice Cream Cookie. Imagine a chocolate-chip skillet cookie, topped with a warm brownie, topped with vanilla ice cream, topped with chocolate sauce, topped with whipped cream, topped with Matt’s Chocolate Chip Cookies, topped with more chocolate sauce, topped with a cherry. You finish that, friend-o, and you can be awesome too.


Fist bump with a manly ass slap.




Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

Kuma's Corner

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: Kuma’s Corner
Location: 2900 W. Belmont


A while back (December actually, but don’t worry, I took notes, so this is fairly accurate, even months later) we (Geoff, Tim, Brian, Pete, and I) were looking for a place to eat. We wanted something simple and bar-food focused. The weather was terrible so we didn’t really want to travel that far, but we also wanted to try someplace new where no one had been. After a little research on something called the Worldwide Web, we (and by “we” I mean “Geoff”) decided on Kuma’s Corner because they supposedly had the best burgers in the city.

In fact, if you check out their website (kumas-corner.com), it says “Best Burgers in Chicago”. My question is, says who? And how many places in Chicago claim to have the “best” of something? I was driving down Chicago Ave and saw that Tommy’s Guitar and Café (I still need to check this place out) claimed to have the best sandwiches in Chicago. Again, according to whom? Maybe I should have a header on this site that says, “Best Food Blog in Chicago.” Who could argue? It reminded me of the time that Howard Stern deemed himself the “King of All Media” because he was pissed off that Michael Jackson (who is one of my all-time favs, but has embarrassed himself with the five new remixes on his 25th anniversary Thriller album) deemed himself the King of Pop. So it’s decided, Born to Fork is now the “Best Food Blog in Chicago” and The Big Delicious is the “The Sexiest Blogger in Chicago.” And I also need to figure out a way to go to every place that claims to have the “best” of something in Chicago. But I don’t think there are enough days in the year for that to be possible.

So, like I said, we ended up at Kuma’s Corner because it claimed to have the “Best Burgers in Chicago.” Here is what Kuma’s had going for it before I walked in the door: 1. It was located close to my house. 2. They spelled “Corner” with a “C”, when most places would have spelled it with a “K” to match the “K” in “Kuma's”, which would have caused me to immediately hate the place. 3. Parking was really easy.

Let’s start off with the drinks, since that’s what the servers start off with. Just a great beer menu. Tons of choices. In fact it was overwhelming. So I went with water to start off with. Then chased it later with some water. Crazy times, I know. But everyone else went with beer (or should I say “beers”) and they were all very happy. Plus they have a good martini menu, along with plenty of beer to choose from. And they also have beer. Trust me, if you like beer, then you like beer.

While trying to decide on appetizers I noticed that they offered salads on the menu. Why? What’s the point? Everything on the menu is awful for you, except for the salads. Do they feel like they need to have it there so they appear more diverse and healthy? And what happens if someone orders a salad? Do you think the cooks just stare at each other hoping someone knows how to make a salad? I just don’t get it. Seems like a waste of ink.

But beyond that they have some great apps to choose from. A lot of your standards (chili, chicken tenders, calamari), along with some more interesting selections. Like the BBQ Pork Fries. They’re fries covered in jack cheese and BBQ pulled pork. Of course I ordered it, just out of curiosity, but ended up loving it. Just the perfect balance of fried stuff and salty stuff and cheesy stuff and stuff that makes you feel like you’re eating something healthy when there’s nothing healthy about it. I would highly recommend it, except…

…They have a Make Your Own Mac & Cheese. You don’t get to choose what kind of cheese they use, just the added ingredients that go into it. Geoff and Tim went with Andouille and sweet corn. Just a great combo. The right balance of salt and sweet. I never would have thought to go with the sweet corn, but it really put the whole thing over the top, making it an absolutely must get the next time I (maybe) go. Brian and Pete went with more of an expected choice (maybe just scallions or something), and it wasn’t quite as good, but still delicious. The servings were also HUGE, so we really didn’t need two orders of it. One order would have been more than enough for five guys (assuming we were being polite and not trying to make our stomachs explode), so two was (almost) too much (which makes sense since it’s $10). Good thing Tim and I were there. We believe in the “No Macaroni Left Behind” policy.

Now, deciding on a burger was going to be a much harder decision. First, you had to decide on what type of meat you wanted your burger to be made of (1/2 lb burger patty, chicken breast, garden burger, or chicken tenders). Obviously this is an easy choice – burger patty. But you don’t get a choice in the bun it’s served on, as everything comes on a pretzel roll. This turned out to be a good thing. The pretzel roll was amazing. Maybe even the best part of the burger. But what toppings for the burger? That would be the tough choice.

Each burger is named after a heavy metal band (Slayer, Iron Maiden, Black Sabbath, etc…), all with their own unique combo of toppings (the Melvins had fresh basil, prosciutto, mozzarella, tomato, and onion; the Led Zeppelin had pulled pork, bacon, cheddar, and pickles; the Dark Throne had chipotle peppers, goat cheese, and fresh pico de gallo). Now, let me say this (with all due respect to Christian from Project Runway), I’m so over the “we have really unique toppings on our burgers” thing. Especially from a place claiming to have the best burger in town. I think there should be a rule – to have the “best” of something, there can’t be a gimmick to go along with it. So to have the best burger, the burger has to be patty, cheese, condiments, maybe some onions and tomato and pickles, and bread. And that’s it. That way you’re judged almost entirely on the patty (the most important part of any burger) and the bun (the second most important part). So I was a little skeptical about the burgers to begin with.

Now, I was a couple minutes late, so everyone else had time to check out the menu before I got there. They had a bet on what burger I would order. As I made my way down the menu, I came to the Goblin Cock. Now, you had me at “cock”. But it didn’t stop there. This burger was topped with bacon, then all the fixings of a Chicago-style hot dog (Vienna hot dog, tomatoes, onion, neon green relish, sport peppers, pickles, mustard, and celery salt). How could I not order this thing? As far as I was concerned it was the only thing on the menu (Geoff won the bet).

It kills me to say this, but I didn’t love it. Let me break it down section by section. First, the bun. Perfect. Wouldn’t change a thing. Second, the bacon. Not good. Way too tough. You actually couldn’t bite through it. You had to tear your way through it. The burger had so much stuff it was already hard to eat, so adding a level of difficulty with tough bacon (that tasted an hour old) was a bad idea. Third, the Chicago-dog part. I loved everything but the hot dog. I know, sounds weird. But the dog was grilled (not boiled or steamed), which does a disservice to the hot dog. It also ended up being a little tough. Fourth, the burger. Really good patty of meat. Cooked perfectly. Nice and juicy. No complaints. Overall, the burger just had too much going on. It was really salty, and so many flavors that I couldn’t enjoy any of them. This was my fear going in (and not just with this burger, but with all of the burgers). Too much shtick. Almost like they were more worried about creating something unique vs. something that is just kick-ass. It was impossible for me not to order the Goblin Cock, but I really wish I would have gone with my instinct and gotten the “Famous Kuma Burger” which is just bacon, cheddar and fried egg. I think that would have given me a better assessment of how good the burger really was. Next time (and there will be a next time).

So, best burger in Chicago? No way. Good burger and worth checking out? Yes way.


Fist bump with a manly ass slap.




Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

Hackney's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: Hackney’s
Location: 733 S. Dearborn (and several locations in the ‘burbs)


Signs that it’s time to start questioning the direction your life is taking:

- Someone asks you if anyone has ever told you that you look like Ryan Seacrest.
- You’re 30, married, with a kid on the way, and you spend a Saturday night coming in dead last in a Flip Cup tourney.
- While watching the World Series of Pop Culture on VH1 you frantically yell at the TV when people don’t know the answers to questions like “How many times was Ferris Bueller sick?” and “’She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene, I said I don’t mind, but what do you mean I am the one’ are the lyrics to what song?” Honestly, how have I not put together a team for that show?
- You own more shoes than your wife.
- Any time you come across “The Devil Wears Prada” on HBO you stop and watch it.
- You live in the third biggest city in America and in four years you still haven’t found a burger that you would go out of your way for. And it keeps you awake at night.
- You own two cats.
- You set a series recording for “Greek” on your DVR.
- You iron your jeans.
- You consider Seth from the “O.C.” one of the five greatest TV characters of all-time.
- You have a soul patch.
- You get kicked out of a 16” softball game and cause your team to forfeit because you called the umpire a (dirty word starting with an F and ending in –ing)(it’s sort of like another way to call a cat a kitten) because you were upset that he called someone “safe” who was clearly “out”. And yes, you’re 30.
- When someone asks you, “Would you rather have a good night of sex or take a good dump?” and you go with the dump (you know who you are).
- You eat half a pack of Icebreakers Sours and your tongue goes numb and eventually scabs over and peels.
- You drink flavored beer.
- You agree to try and eat 15 asparagus in three minutes for ten bucks. And you only get through 10.
- You go out of your way to walk into a theater full of Star Wars geeks right as Obi-Wan is standing over Anakin just so you can yell at the screen and call Obi a (another way to call a cat a kitten) for not killing Anakin when he had the chance and giving the Dark Side a chance to rebuild. Then walking out of the theater as all of the geeks try and use the force to melt your face.
- You get calf implants.


Guess what? I actually found a burger in Chicago that I like enough that I think about it all the time and would go out of my way for it. I’m finally sleeping through the night. Things are really starting to turn around for me.

I headed to the Hackney’s in the South Loop not too long ago for some lunch. It was a perfect day so we (Sarah, Jenn and I) got to sit outside. It was Friday, so it also doubled as one of those “it’s nice out, we don’t have a lot going on, so let’s take a two or three hour lunch, enjoy some beer, and then enjoy some more beer” kind of lunches.

I started off with a cider beer. Unfortunately they didn’t have any tiny umbrellas to put in it, so it took away from the experience a little bit, but I was able to save just a little bit of dignity. We also ordered the guacamole. Now, I love guacamole (did you know that avocados are a fruit? And so are tomatoes? I had no idea. And yes, I write about food, so those are things I should have known.), but I was skeptical about ordering it at a place other than a Mexican restaurant. But the waitress insisted that it was really good, so we went with it. And she was right. It was really good. And it was a huge bowl. We didn’t even get around to finishing it. Of course part of that reason was because it was baking in the sun, so after about seven minutes everyone was afraid to try it because it was warm and we thought it might be rotten. And I’m not even sure that guacamole is something that can go bad, because there’s no mayo or anything. Again, something I should probably know. Either way, it was really good. I’d get it again.

But I’m just delaying getting to the good stuff. The burger. My buddy Steve (or should it be Stephe, since his full name is Stephen with a “ph”?) told me to check it out. We’ve had the burger discussion before, and he said this was the one place he had found in Chicago that was worth talking about (he’s from St. Louis, and as I’ve said before (and as my friend Denny has said before that), there are a ton of great burger joints there, but just doesn’t seem to be the same amount of go-out-of-your-way burger joints here). So a long Friday lunch seemed like the right time to check it out.

I got the Inside-Out Burger. It was filled with cheddar cheese and bacon. I don’t really need to say anything else about it after that, do I? It was served on a dark-rye bun. I love rye bread. So many times with burgers you end up with some bun that ruins the burger. There’s the bun that’s so big it dwarfs the burger and you don’t even get to taste the meat. And then there’s the bun that may or may not be stale, but either way crumbles the entire time you eat it. You’ve got the buns with so much going on (either some sort of flavor or cheese on top or baked in or whatever) that you don’t even notice the burger (which means the burger also doesn’t have enough goodness to compensate). Of course my least favorite might be the bun that is about as durable as a Yugo and soaks up the burger juice and then quickly falls apart, so you end up having to eat the patty on its own. It can be maddening. But the dark-rye bun was perfect. It added it’s own element without taking away from burger. It was big, but the burger was big enough that they balanced each other out nicely. And it was the perfect texture – not too soft, not too hard, soaking up some juice without disintegrating. Just a great bun.

Now, with a bun this good, how could the burger itself possibly disappoint? It couldn’t. This thing was a great big patty, cooked to perfect medium-rareness, allowing the cheese to melt on the inside so it just oozed out with every bite. And it was filled with cheese and bacon. The burger had a great flavor and was nice and juicy. With every bite you got excited for the next bite. Plus it was filled with cheese and bacon. It was almost perfect. I think the only thing in the world that could have made it any better was Boursin cheese in place of the cheddar cheese. I really thought about ordering a second one. My only complaint is that Hackney’s isn’t located across from my office. It’s either a 15-minute walk there, or I can jump on the Red Line and get off at Harrison and walk over. Either way it’s not possible to go there and eat without having a good hour and fifteen minutes to spare. That’s actually probably for the best, or I might eat here every day. Oh, and the fries were really good as well.

The other reason I ended up not ordering a second burger was because of the dessert. Hackney’s has a skillet cookie on the menu. For those of you who don’t know what that is (and we’re no longer friends if you don’t) it’s a chocolate chip cookie baked in a giant skillet, then topped with ice cream. It’s even served in the skillet to make sure the cookie stays nice and hot. We ordered the skillet cookie, and the waitress told us it would take about 15 minutes. Since we weren’t in a hurry to get back to the office, and we were enjoying some cold brews, we decided to get it. 15 minutes later we were still waiting. 20 minutes later, still waiting. 25 minutes later, still waiting. It was finally served 30 minutes later, which is kind of ridiculous, even if we weren’t in a hurry. Lucky for them it was worth the wait. The cookie was nice and warm, but still soft and gooey. And the ice cream was pretty good as well. I’d say it’s the third best skillet cookie I’ve ever had. The best is at Dunlay’s on the Square. The second was at Alexander’s Steak House in Columbia, MO (which I don’t think even exists anymore). Here’s a funny (depending on your definition of funny) story about the skillet cookie at Alexander’s. When I was in college my friend Adam went there for his birthday with my buddy Mike. I had to work or something, so I was going to just meet them there. I grabbed a quick dinner at McDonald’s on my way, which consisted of two Big Macs, two large fries, and a large Coke. And a cheeseburger. Needless to say, it was a lot. But when I got to Alexander’s they were still eating, so I decided to get a Black and Tan and order dessert, which was the skillet cookie. By the time I was done I was so full I thought I was going to pass out. After dinner we headed back to my place to grab a drink before heading to Columbia’s finest gentlemen’s club. Of course all I had was a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and a bottle of Popov Vodka. I did a shot of the Popov’s. Well, I tried to do a shot of it. The moment the paint thinner touched my tongue I ended up puking in the sink (thank god I was standing in front of it). So, for future reference, don’t order a skillet cookie after eating 4,000 calories at McDonald’s if you plan on doing shots of Popov later. It won’t end well.

So there you have it. The Hackneyburger is the first must-have burger I’ve found in the city. Hopefully I’ll find more, but for now this one will do. Half handshake, half chest-bump hug.



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

Carl's Drive In

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Carl’s Drive In
Location: 9033 Manchester, St. Louis, MO



Question: Does Carl’s Drive In make the best burger you’ll ever eat?
Answer: No, but I do have a couple of friends (Steve and Dave) who are willing to make an argument on Carl’s behalf.

Fact: Carl’s Drive In has a great, great burger, but it just isn’t the best burger you’ll ever eat.

Question: Where is the best burger you’ll ever eat?
Answer: Booches in Columbia, MO.

Question: So why not just go to Booches?
Answer: Irrelevant.

Fact: Carl’s Drive In is truly one of the best burger-joint experiences you’ll ever have.

Question: What does Carl’s have that other burger joints don’t?
Answer: Giant frosty mugs of root beer.

Question: But don’t other burger joints have root beer in ice-cold mugs?
False: It tastes better at Carl’s.

Fact: Burgers are made from cows. Cows eat grass. Humans plant grass. Therefore humans eat cows as revenge for them eating our grass.

Question: What makes Carl’s burgers so tasty?
Answer: Yes, they are tasty.

What? Exactly.

Fact: Carl’s takes a hockey-puck sized patty, flattens it as flat as it will go on the grill, or griddle, or whatever you call it, then cooks it until it’s crispy on the outside, locking in the flavor of the meat.

Fact: A polar bear is the most dangerous of all bears.

Fact: I can out run a snake.

Question: What do you get when you go to Carl’s?
Answer: Part 1 – good question. Part 2 – a double cheeseburger, onion rings, and a large mug of root beer.

Question: According to Wikipedia approximately 200-500-million sperm are released per ejaculation.
Answer: Wow.

Fact: The onion rings at Carl’s aren’t that good.

Fact: Carl’s has other stuff besides burgers, but I’ve never tried it.

Fact: If you get anything other than a burger at Carl’s I’ll call you a little girl.

Fact: There’s nothing wrong with being a little girl. Unless it’s because you won’t order a burger at Carl’s.

Question: What makes Carl’s such a great experience?
Answer: Your mom.
For Real Answer: It’s old school. It seats only about 10-15, plus some standing room along the wall. It’s a throw back and feels like a place you’d find on Route 66 back in the day. The service is friendly, the food is cooked in front of you, everything is served on paper plates, and the prices are cheap. And your mom.

Question: What were you doing in St. Louis?
Answer: None of your business.

Fact: It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!

Question: Does Carl’s have Peanut Butter and Jelly?
Answer: How should I know? They do have grilled cheese and pastrami and tamales. I’ve heard people like those things.

Fact: The Arch in St. Louis is a catenary curve and is as tall (630 ft) as it is wide (630 ft).

Question: How would you describe Carl’s in 4 words or less?
Answer: Carl’s Drive In is…

Fact: I eat because I’m unhappy, and I’m unhappy because I eat.

Question: Is this review at all helpful?
Answer: I doubt it.

Question: What rating would you give Carl’s?
Answer: The food gets a chest bump. The experience gets a half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

Fact: Carl’s Drive In gets a chest bump with a manly ass slap. Go there. Order a burger. Order a root beer.

Fact: Yum.



Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

Monk's Pub

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



Restaurant: Monk’s Pub
Location: 205 W. Lake St.


When I was living in St. Louis, finding a great burger was easy. In fact, finding a great burger was so easy there were debates about where the best burgers were. Some say Dooley’s downtown, a great excuse to get away from your desk and go eat lunch. Others would argue the Fatted Calf in Clayton. Or you could check out O’Connell’s Pub next to The Hill. Or head across the river to Fast Eddie’s Bon-Air. Or run into Chuck Berry while chowing on a great burger at Blueberry Hill. There are those who swear by the thin-cut burgers and ice-cold root beer at Carl’s Drive In. If you live near Dogtown you might argue that Seamus McDaniel’s grills the best burger. If you’re watching your weight you might suggest that the buffalo burgers at Trainwreck are the best red meat eats in town. The point is you had a ton of places to choose from. No matter where you were in the city, you had a great burger available. And no matter which one you claimed to be your favorite, you were right. Because they’re all great.

But I haven’t found the same options here in Chicago. Maybe because the heart attacks of choice here are stuffed pizza and hot dogs (one day I’m going to stuff a pizza with a hot dog). Maybe I just haven’t found those great burger places yet here in the city. A friend of mine (Denny) and I were talking one day and trying to decide what the best burgers in Chicago were, and we were both speechless. Neither of us could think of a great, memorable burger that we would go out of our way for. Sure, we’d had decent burgers, but nothing that would make us get on the phone one day and say, “I need a (insert burger joint name here) burger. I’m jonesin’ for one.” Then again, if I ever use the term jonesin’, I would hope my friend would immediately hang up on me. Anyway, we were throwing out some names, like The Billy Goat (more of an institution than a great burger), Under 55 (a great place for lunch in the Loop), InnJoy (tons of spices in their burger), and so on. But nothing that made our mouth water. Nothing that compared to the burger joints in St. Louis.

Quick tangent. One of the great things about St. Louis burgers is the tradition of putting a scoop of cheddar on your burger. Not a slice of cheddar cheese, but a scoop of real cheddar. Unreal. Placed on a hot burger, it melts slightly at the bottom but not at the top. I’m not even sure how to describe it, but if you make it to St. Louis and happen to be at a place that does it (Dooley’s, Fatted Calf, O’Connell’s), get it. And just for the record, if pressed, I would say that Fatted Calf is my favorite burger joint. But like I said, they are all so good there isn’t a wrong answer.

So, Denny and I decided that over the next year or so we would actually go on a quest to find the best burger places in the city. And I mean burger joint. Shortly after having this discussion I saw some article about the best burgers in Chicago, but they were all nice restaurants like Gibson’s and Rosebud and Naha’s and Wollensky’s Grill. I don’t count those. I’m talking about a joint. A place you don’t need a reservation. A place that you can sit in for hours and relax and not feel pressured to leave. And once we found some great burger joints, I would then rank them and write about them.

Well, I finally found a great burger joint here in the city. Monk’s Pub. I headed over there the other day for lunch with some co-workers. Actually, we didn’t really head over there; we kind of stumbled upon it. But I’m glad I did.

Channel 2 claims they’re the best burgers in the city. And if Channel 2 says it, then it must be true.

The best part about Monk’s is you have several burger choices. It’s not the standard hamburger or cheeseburger. They have like 20 different burger choices or something. I went with the jalapeño burger. Not sure what I was expecting, but it was just sliced jalapeños on top of my cheeseburger, not that I’m not complaining.

The burger was big like the Sunday paper and juicy like People Magazine. And perfectly cooked. I always have mine medium rare, and there was the perfect amount of juice/blood/grease to lightly soak the bun. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a burger this good. And on top of that, you have the choice between regular fries and “Cajun” fries. Here is my tip of the week – get the Cajun fries. They’re just curly fries, like the good kind you get at Arby’s. It was the perfect compliment to a great burger.

So, if you work in the city, or live near the Loop, and you’re looking for a good burger to sink your canines into, head to Monk’s Pub. You won’t be disappointed. And if you are, then I hate you.

Is it the best burger in the city? I doubt it. But, it’s the best I’ve found so far. So I’m giving it a chest bump.