Coalfire

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Coalfire
Location: 1321 W Grand


I was channel surfing the other day and came across the college cheerleading championships or something on ESPN2. Now, anytime I see 18-year-old girls wearing short skirts, I’m gonna stop and watch. I got so excited watching them jump around and yell that I decided to write this review in cheer (yes, it’s its own language).


I love Coalfire,
Yes I do!
I love Coalfire,
How ‘bout you?


Watch out, it’s here!
Bring your own beer!
Let’s eat, and cheer!
And then drink aforementioned beer!


You might order a pizza,
You might start off with a snack,
But when it comes to the calzones
They’re as good as riding bareback
They’re as good as riding bareback


Hey, hey the pizza’s thin,
Makes you feel less masculine.
Hey, Hey I’d do it again,
The sauce was as good as sin!


They put it IN they pull it OUT (sounds like my college years)
The coal-burning oven leaves no doubt
Enjoy the grub that it creates
Cause the margherita pizza dominates!


U.G.L.Y.
You ain’t got no alibi
You ugly
What, what, you ugly
You’re ugly, you’re oogley
Your mama says you’re yoogley
U.G.L.Y.
You ain’t got no alibi
You ugly
What, what, you ugly


Neapolitan pizza is the current sensation,
Popping up everywhere across the nation!
Chicago-style get ready for a fight,
It’s about time we all take a bite!
So who is the champion,
And the style that gets it done,
For Born to Fork,
Chicago-style is still #1!!!!
WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!


Hey x the ambiance x it’s cozy in here
Seating x is limited x but I don’t really care
Just come x to the counter x to order your food
Then sit down x and wait x they’ll bring it to you
C-O-A-L-F-I-R-E
COALFIRE!!!


When I say BRING you say YOUR
BRING YOUR
BRING YOUR
When I say OWN you say BOOZE
OWN BOOZE
OWN BOOZE
When I say B.Y. you say O.B.
B.Y.O.B.
B.Y.O.B.


Order Order Order it up
Order that caprese salad up
Eat Eat Eat it up
Eat that caprese salad up
It’s It’s It’s OK
The caprese salad is just OK
GO SALAD!


We're back again better than before
Watch out Crust we'll raise that score
We're number one we thought you knew
Look out Spacca Napoli we're coming for you


I don't know what you've been told
I don't know what you've been told
Coalfire is as good as gold
Coalfire is as good as gold
If you heard what I just said
If you heard what I just said
Get on your knees and give me head (what?)
Get on your knees and give me head
Sound off
One, Two
Sound off
Three, Four
When you’re done you’ll want more
When you’re done you’ll want more


OK, I think that’s enough. In case you didn’t follow any of that, here’s a quick recap. I loved Coalfire. Liked it better than Crust (though the caprese salad at Crust is better, even though they call it something different) but not as much as Spacca Napoli or Pizza D.O.C. The calzone was my favorite. Really doughy and not too much ricotta. The pizza was maybe a little too thin (I love Neapolitan pizza, but still say Chicago-style is as good as it gets), but a great sauce and perfectly cooked. BYOB. It was also really reasonably priced. I’ll go back. Probably more than once.

Chest bump.


Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.