Hackney's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: Hackney’s
Location: 733 S. Dearborn (and several locations in the ‘burbs)


Signs that it’s time to start questioning the direction your life is taking:

- Someone asks you if anyone has ever told you that you look like Ryan Seacrest.
- You’re 30, married, with a kid on the way, and you spend a Saturday night coming in dead last in a Flip Cup tourney.
- While watching the World Series of Pop Culture on VH1 you frantically yell at the TV when people don’t know the answers to questions like “How many times was Ferris Bueller sick?” and “’She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene, I said I don’t mind, but what do you mean I am the one’ are the lyrics to what song?” Honestly, how have I not put together a team for that show?
- You own more shoes than your wife.
- Any time you come across “The Devil Wears Prada” on HBO you stop and watch it.
- You live in the third biggest city in America and in four years you still haven’t found a burger that you would go out of your way for. And it keeps you awake at night.
- You own two cats.
- You set a series recording for “Greek” on your DVR.
- You iron your jeans.
- You consider Seth from the “O.C.” one of the five greatest TV characters of all-time.
- You have a soul patch.
- You get kicked out of a 16” softball game and cause your team to forfeit because you called the umpire a (dirty word starting with an F and ending in –ing)(it’s sort of like another way to call a cat a kitten) because you were upset that he called someone “safe” who was clearly “out”. And yes, you’re 30.
- When someone asks you, “Would you rather have a good night of sex or take a good dump?” and you go with the dump (you know who you are).
- You eat half a pack of Icebreakers Sours and your tongue goes numb and eventually scabs over and peels.
- You drink flavored beer.
- You agree to try and eat 15 asparagus in three minutes for ten bucks. And you only get through 10.
- You go out of your way to walk into a theater full of Star Wars geeks right as Obi-Wan is standing over Anakin just so you can yell at the screen and call Obi a (another way to call a cat a kitten) for not killing Anakin when he had the chance and giving the Dark Side a chance to rebuild. Then walking out of the theater as all of the geeks try and use the force to melt your face.
- You get calf implants.


Guess what? I actually found a burger in Chicago that I like enough that I think about it all the time and would go out of my way for it. I’m finally sleeping through the night. Things are really starting to turn around for me.

I headed to the Hackney’s in the South Loop not too long ago for some lunch. It was a perfect day so we (Sarah, Jenn and I) got to sit outside. It was Friday, so it also doubled as one of those “it’s nice out, we don’t have a lot going on, so let’s take a two or three hour lunch, enjoy some beer, and then enjoy some more beer” kind of lunches.

I started off with a cider beer. Unfortunately they didn’t have any tiny umbrellas to put in it, so it took away from the experience a little bit, but I was able to save just a little bit of dignity. We also ordered the guacamole. Now, I love guacamole (did you know that avocados are a fruit? And so are tomatoes? I had no idea. And yes, I write about food, so those are things I should have known.), but I was skeptical about ordering it at a place other than a Mexican restaurant. But the waitress insisted that it was really good, so we went with it. And she was right. It was really good. And it was a huge bowl. We didn’t even get around to finishing it. Of course part of that reason was because it was baking in the sun, so after about seven minutes everyone was afraid to try it because it was warm and we thought it might be rotten. And I’m not even sure that guacamole is something that can go bad, because there’s no mayo or anything. Again, something I should probably know. Either way, it was really good. I’d get it again.

But I’m just delaying getting to the good stuff. The burger. My buddy Steve (or should it be Stephe, since his full name is Stephen with a “ph”?) told me to check it out. We’ve had the burger discussion before, and he said this was the one place he had found in Chicago that was worth talking about (he’s from St. Louis, and as I’ve said before (and as my friend Denny has said before that), there are a ton of great burger joints there, but just doesn’t seem to be the same amount of go-out-of-your-way burger joints here). So a long Friday lunch seemed like the right time to check it out.

I got the Inside-Out Burger. It was filled with cheddar cheese and bacon. I don’t really need to say anything else about it after that, do I? It was served on a dark-rye bun. I love rye bread. So many times with burgers you end up with some bun that ruins the burger. There’s the bun that’s so big it dwarfs the burger and you don’t even get to taste the meat. And then there’s the bun that may or may not be stale, but either way crumbles the entire time you eat it. You’ve got the buns with so much going on (either some sort of flavor or cheese on top or baked in or whatever) that you don’t even notice the burger (which means the burger also doesn’t have enough goodness to compensate). Of course my least favorite might be the bun that is about as durable as a Yugo and soaks up the burger juice and then quickly falls apart, so you end up having to eat the patty on its own. It can be maddening. But the dark-rye bun was perfect. It added it’s own element without taking away from burger. It was big, but the burger was big enough that they balanced each other out nicely. And it was the perfect texture – not too soft, not too hard, soaking up some juice without disintegrating. Just a great bun.

Now, with a bun this good, how could the burger itself possibly disappoint? It couldn’t. This thing was a great big patty, cooked to perfect medium-rareness, allowing the cheese to melt on the inside so it just oozed out with every bite. And it was filled with cheese and bacon. The burger had a great flavor and was nice and juicy. With every bite you got excited for the next bite. Plus it was filled with cheese and bacon. It was almost perfect. I think the only thing in the world that could have made it any better was Boursin cheese in place of the cheddar cheese. I really thought about ordering a second one. My only complaint is that Hackney’s isn’t located across from my office. It’s either a 15-minute walk there, or I can jump on the Red Line and get off at Harrison and walk over. Either way it’s not possible to go there and eat without having a good hour and fifteen minutes to spare. That’s actually probably for the best, or I might eat here every day. Oh, and the fries were really good as well.

The other reason I ended up not ordering a second burger was because of the dessert. Hackney’s has a skillet cookie on the menu. For those of you who don’t know what that is (and we’re no longer friends if you don’t) it’s a chocolate chip cookie baked in a giant skillet, then topped with ice cream. It’s even served in the skillet to make sure the cookie stays nice and hot. We ordered the skillet cookie, and the waitress told us it would take about 15 minutes. Since we weren’t in a hurry to get back to the office, and we were enjoying some cold brews, we decided to get it. 15 minutes later we were still waiting. 20 minutes later, still waiting. 25 minutes later, still waiting. It was finally served 30 minutes later, which is kind of ridiculous, even if we weren’t in a hurry. Lucky for them it was worth the wait. The cookie was nice and warm, but still soft and gooey. And the ice cream was pretty good as well. I’d say it’s the third best skillet cookie I’ve ever had. The best is at Dunlay’s on the Square. The second was at Alexander’s Steak House in Columbia, MO (which I don’t think even exists anymore). Here’s a funny (depending on your definition of funny) story about the skillet cookie at Alexander’s. When I was in college my friend Adam went there for his birthday with my buddy Mike. I had to work or something, so I was going to just meet them there. I grabbed a quick dinner at McDonald’s on my way, which consisted of two Big Macs, two large fries, and a large Coke. And a cheeseburger. Needless to say, it was a lot. But when I got to Alexander’s they were still eating, so I decided to get a Black and Tan and order dessert, which was the skillet cookie. By the time I was done I was so full I thought I was going to pass out. After dinner we headed back to my place to grab a drink before heading to Columbia’s finest gentlemen’s club. Of course all I had was a bottle of Captain Morgan’s and a bottle of Popov Vodka. I did a shot of the Popov’s. Well, I tried to do a shot of it. The moment the paint thinner touched my tongue I ended up puking in the sink (thank god I was standing in front of it). So, for future reference, don’t order a skillet cookie after eating 4,000 calories at McDonald’s if you plan on doing shots of Popov later. It won’t end well.

So there you have it. The Hackneyburger is the first must-have burger I’ve found in the city. Hopefully I’ll find more, but for now this one will do. Half handshake, half chest-bump hug.



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.