Odge's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Odge’s Old Fashioned Red Hots
Locations: 730 N. Damen


There are some things in this world that will always make me smile. And here they are:

1. Seeing a guy get hit or kicked or punched in the balls. Always going to make me laugh. Even when I can feel their pain and reach down to make sure my own boys are doing OK, I’m still going to laugh. A person getting hit in the groin was the only reason I watched America’s Funniest Home Videos for so many years. I would sit there for 30 minutes just hoping to see one of those “daughter learning to swing a bat with her Dad then accidentally hitting him you know where causing him to double over and (ideally) fall through the screen door” videos.

2. Midgets are always going to be funny to me. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying, they’re always funny. From Mini Me to Mini Kiss to Mini Michael Jackson, I’m gonna laugh.

3. You know what else I’m always going to find funny? Chimps. If they’re funny enough for Clint Eastwood, they’re funny enough for me.

4. Hot dogs. I love hot dogs. I always have. I always will. When I was a kid, I would almost eat nothing but hot dogs. I remember one time when I was visiting my Dad’s family. We were all sitting around the table in the dining room (otherwise known as the dining room table) and some food was put in front of everybody. I saw my plate, and the only thing I had to say was, “I don’t want this, I want a hot dog.” I became infamous for this phrase. For the next 20 years (and to this day, actually) I still get razzed for it. Every time we eat, someone says, “I don’t want this, I want a hot dog.” Then everyone laughs. Except me. Great story, right? I’m glad I took the time to tell it to you. My point is, hot dogs make me smile. And what’s better than having a hot dog wrapped in a bun topped with all the goodies? That’s right, two hotdogs wrapped in a bun topped with all the goodies. This also works for porn movies. And you know who has two hot dogs in a bun? Odge’s. And they cleverly call this a double dog (‘cause there are double the amount of dogs than you’d normally expect). It might be one of the best places to get a hot dog in the city. And not because they have the best dogs, but because the atmosphere there is unbeatable. The guys behind the counter couldn’t be friendlier or more genuine. Whether it’s your first time or you go everyday, somehow the guys behind the counter make you feel like you’re a regular. I’m always going to support places that have great, great service. And that’s Odge’s. Plus they serve double dogs.

5. Melted cheese. And Odge’s has that perfect they-call-it-cheese-but-it’s-probably-not-real-cheese cheese for their cheese fries. It’s thick with a nice cheddar taste. It’s the best cheese-fry cheese in the city. Of course a lot of places have the exact same kind (the same way a lot of places have Heinz ketchup), so maybe it’s more like a tie for the best cheese-fry cheese in the city. Either way, I love it.

6. Porn.

7. Chocolate will always make me smile, and the chocolate shake at Odge’s is pretty good. Not great, not awful, but pretty good. Kind of like their hot dogs.

8. Dick jokes and bathroom humor. What can I say; I’m 29 going on 14.

9. The feel of a neighborhood joint. And that’s Odge’s. A great neighborhood joint. Is it the kind of place you’d travel miles for? No. Is it the kind of place that you’re lucky and thankful for that it’s in your neighborhood? Yes. Could I devour a double dog, cheese fries and a chocolate shake everyday? Without a doubt.

10. Swingers. The movie, obviously. One of the best movies ever made, and it never fails to deliver no matter when I watch it or how many times I watch it. The best is when I haven’t seen it for a long time, so I forget just a little bit how good it is, and then I pop it in and remember why it is one of my all-time favorite movies.

11. Swingers. The wife swapping kind, obviously. And it doesn’t make me smile because I’m into wife swapping and having sex with other people. It’s because it sounds like this great, exotic, orgy filled, sexy lifestyle, except then you see the type of people who typically are swingers (I’ve watched a lot of Real Sex on HBO, and in liquor stores you’ll sometimes stumble across swingers magazines that are basically classifieds with pictures) and you’re amazed that they can convince one person to have sex with them, let alone multiple partners.

12. mmmmmm, donuts.


The list goes on and on, so I’ll just stop there. The only other thing I want to say about Odge’s is that I’m always disappointed in the chili. I want it to be better, but it just isn’t that great. But then again, it’s chili, so as long as it’s edible, I’m gonna eat it every time.

Overall, I’ll give Odge’s a fist bump. The food isn’t the best hot dog stand around (and probably not even the best in the neighborhood), but the people make it great. And I’m a people person. I’m also a lazy person, and it’s a short walk from where I live.



Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

United Center

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: The United Center
Locations: 1901 W. Madison St.


I’ve been a Chicago Bulls season ticket holder for two years now. I do the 11-game package, partly because I can’t afford the full season, and mostly because my wife told me I could only do the 11-game package. Good enough for me. I love basketball, so even getting to 11 games makes me happy. It was time that I go to a game, stuff my face with as much food as possible, and then write about it. Which is different from most games where I go, stuff my face with as much food as possible and then don’t write about.

At the most recent game I got to see the Bulls destroy the Trial Blazers. Here were the highlights:

My buddy Geoff, who I have the tickets with this year, got some upgraded tickets through his mortgage broker. So, rather than sit up in the 300 level, we were movin’ on up (or down, actually) to the 200 level.

The game kicked off with a chilling rendition of the national anthem sung by a 10-year-old boy. And I don’t mean Whitney-Houston-at-the-Super-Bowl chilling, I mean Hellraiser chilling. Like Geoff said, “This kid won’t be happy if he ever has to watch a tape of this. I hope they burn every copy.” But he did have enthusiasm and got a huge ovation when he was done. Maybe it’s because he was finally done. Either way he was pretty psyched, so good for him.

For the first quarter I opted for a jumbo hot dog and a pretzel with a side of nacho cheese. The hot dog wasn’t great. The problem was the bun. Usually the best part about stadium dogs is that the bun is really soft from all the steam. But this bun was a little dry, and a little crusty. Not a good combo. And speaking of bad combos, how about Darius Miles and Sebastian Telfair. I feel like I have a connection with both. With Miles, I was living in St. Louis when he was coming out of high school from the east side. He was getting a ton of coverage in the Post-Dispatch, so I was reading a lot about him. And it’s the reason I’ve always kept him on my basketball radar, following his career and checking how he’s doing. Well, the answer is “not good”. He took a ton of shots, most of them awful choices, and he couldn’t hit the broad side of my belly, which is tough to miss. He was 4-14 with 8 points coming off the bench. I’m not sure how, but he’s averaging a little over 15 a game this season. I think that stat alone shows just how bad the Blazers are. Not only that, but his hairline was worse than Jerry Rice’s. When Jerry was rockin’ the cornrows, his forehead started half way back on his skull. Not a good look. And Darius looked like he was suffering from the same curse, but because he’s only 24 I’m sure he refuses to shave his head and admit that he’s balding. My other favorite Darius memory is when he starred in the movie “The Perfect Score”. Just a great, horrible, cliché-filled high school movie. I watch it every time it’s on (which is never, thank god).

Then there’s Telfair (the other half of the bad combo that started this random rant, not to be confused with Adam Ant). I just watched the ESPN movie “Through the Fire”. He really is short. The movie showed that NBA scouts were concerned with his height, but I didn’t know why, as there are a couple of shorter players who are great (A.I.), but Telfair really is small. He just looks overmatched against everyone. Watching him in high school, he looked amazing. But that was against other high school players. In real life he looks awful, to the point that Jannero Pargo was making him look bad. When you’re the 13th pick in a draft and Pargo breaks your ankles, it might be time to reconsider your career. Oh, except for the fact that he’s made more money in one year than my total career earnings will ever be. Let’s move on.

Wait, before we move on let me say one more thing about the Blazers – they have Steve Blake starting for them. That’s all I wanted to say. I’m still amazed by this.

Anyway, the pretzel was better than the hot dog, but I think that had something to do with the side of cheese I was dipping it into. See, this is an example of a good combo, kind of like Hinrich to Schenscher. And speaking of Schenscher, when the Bulls signed him to a 10-day contract, there were two theories on why they did it. 1) Geoff thought Chicago wanted another Australian center named Luke so that every time he scored the crowd could yell “Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuke.” 2) The other theory is that the ladies of Chicago were demanding Schenscher. Why? Well, I think Luke puts it best – “The curls get the girls. That’s why I got them.” Who am I to argue?

After the end of the first quarter I journeyed back to the concession stand for round two of the Josh Kell Heart Attack Challenge. This time I went with an order of nachos and some jalapeño poppers. The nachos were just what I expected (since I get them almost every game). Good, crisp, salty chips with some hot and creamy (you must be 18 and older to read this review) nachos cheese that has a hint of spicy jalapeño flavor. My only complaint is that it’s never enough cheese, so I always want to order a side of it, but then I’m annoyed that I would even have to, so I don’t, then I sulk when I run out of cheese.

Now, the poppers were a different story. Just horrible. I’d never had them before, so I wanted to try something new. Huge, huge mistake. They weren’t even heated up all the way through. And I say heated up instead of cooked because they obviously come pre-cooked out of a bag and just need to be reheated. Whoever microwaved them didn’t do it long enough, and the middle was still cold. And not just cold, but a little icy. And there is nothing worse than ice cheese. And they cost me $6.50 for only five of them. At least they didn’t give me food poisoning, so they got that going for them.

What did make me sick was the Luvabulls. Quite possibly the most unattractive group of women I’ve ever seen. I know because I have a poster of them in my office, and every time someone stops by to say “hi” they make a lot of Rocky Dennis-type remarks. That’s not a good sign. Plus, the Bulls have a group of kids cleverly called the BullsKidz (see the “z” instead of the “s” makes them “street”, which they are ‘cause they “keep it real”). The BullsKidz can out dance the Luvabulls any day of the week. When your professional dance team isn’t as good as a group of 8 year olds, it’s time to start recruiting some new talent.

But things really picked up at halftime when a man simply referred to as “Christopher from Vegas” was performing. His act? He dressed up like the Native American from the Village People. But, he had this contraption that had four mannequins attached to him, so when he moved they moved (just like that? Hell yeah, hey DJ, bring that back). It looked like they were dancing in unison the entire time. Not sure how this constituted a halftime show, but at least I know what I’m being for Halloween this year.

After halftime I needed something sweet so I found the soft-serve ice cream vendor and got a cone of chocolate goodness. I just wish it were chocolate greatness. I didn’t even know they had ice cream here, and I found out that it’s actually right next to where our season tickets are. How did I not know about this? Doesn’t matter. I do know now and I think it will be worked into the rotation, along with the nachos, for every game.

Last tangent is a story from Geoff. He went to the doctor a ways back and had to get some blood drawn. He asked the nurse if it was going to hurt and she said, “You a virgin aren’t you?” He laughed and was very confused. Then she went on, saying, “See, you’ll can prick, but you can’t take it when you is pricked.” True, true.

Nachos – chest bump.
Pretzel (w/cheese) – fist bump with a manly ass slap.
Hot dog – high five.
Poppers – fone and fone.
Ice Cream – fist bump.
Food overall – fist bump.
Bulls when playing the Blazers – half handshake, half chest-bump hug.
Bulls the rest of this season – high five.
Luvabulls – handshake.
National Anthem – fist bump (for comedy’s sake).
This season of 24 – fist bump (still a great show, but how many times can CTU be broken into and f-things up?)
Best NCAA bracket name comes from AJ - “BrokeBracket Mountain”


And if you work in an office you’ve probably seen the deal where people sign off their email with an inspirational quote, so I’m gonna finish this review with a quote that inspires my buddy Geoff:

"I kept on hearing somebody talking slick from behind me. I'm like who is talking to me. Me and Hinrich got a little battle going on on the floor, and that's all fun and games. But I keep hearing somebody behind me, and it's [Skiles]. So I said, `Wow.' His job is to coach the team. His job is not to say stuff to me. That's what kind of [got me angry], because he opened his mouth and tried to talk slick from behind me.”
- Richard Hamilton


Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

Lalo's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



Restaurant: Lalo’s
Locations: A dozen or so across the city and ‘burbs


I’m going to warn you right now. I like Lalo’s. I’m sure most people view it the same way they do Leona’s, as a local chain that isn’t nearly as good as the thousands of other restaurants in the city. In fact, most people probably look at these places as Chicago versions of Chili’s, Ruby Tuesday’s, TGI Fridays, and the other horrible chains that pop-up in mini-malls and the Naperville’s of the world. And to tell you the truth, I’m one of those people. Hell, I live less than a block from Leona’s and I still refuse to eat there, no matter how hungry or desperate I am.

But the thing about Lalo’s is that it has sentimental value. My parents live less than a mile from the Lalo’s in Oak Park, and they go there about every Friday night. Which means that anytime I used to come visit them when I was living in Misery we would go there. Or anytime I head out to the ‘burbs to visit we go there. Or for any “nice” dinner in high school we went there. It got to the point that my folks were recruited as “secret diners” and visited other Lalo’s in the city and reported on their experience (needless to say I was jealous). When I eat there it reminds me of my parents, so it’s got a special place in my heart.

And it’s not like Lalo’s started out as some big chain dreamt up by a restaurateur with a great marketing plan. Unlike Paris Hilton, Lalo’s has had to work hard to get where they are. They started out more than 30 years ago cooking family recipes in a 24-seat place and quickly expanded to a full-size restaurant (and became so popular they opened up another full-size restaurant just blocks away). And you know what, they’re still family owned and not franchised. Who knows, maybe Leona’s has a similar story (it does, I just checked), but it doesn’t change the fact that their food isn’t good.

When I do go to Lalo’s I almost always get the same things. I like starting out with the Queso Fundido, which is melted melting cheese (thank god, cause there is nothing worse than unmelted melting cheese), or melted Mexican cheese, depending which menu you get (I also just learned that different restaurants have slightly different menus. I like that. I don’t know why, I just do.). Either way I’m eating cheese, so it makes me happy.

For dinner I always go with either the Carne Asada a la Tampiquena or the Carne Asada Zamora. The first one is just a big steak and served with a cheese enchilada. Pretty good size, comes with more cheese, and it’s usually cooked perfectly. I like to cut up the steak, stuff it in a flour tortilla, top it with some cheese, and maybe add some salsa. I know what you’re thinking. Why don’t you just order the fajitas then? Well, fajitas come with vegetables. Why waste the space on my plate with veggies when you can fill it with meat. Makes perfect sense to me. The Carne Asada Zamora is a skirt steak topped with a “frijoles de la olla in arbol sauce”. I have no idea what that means but it tastes good. Plus you get two quesadillas and guacamole. And you also get full.

For lunch I usually get the Chimichanga. It’s just a big burrito that’s fried. Could be the best food invention ever. And the Lalo’s version is STUFFED with meat. Super filling and satisfying, and induces an after lunch coma, forcing you to find an empty cube in the office to take a 15 minute nap in. And an empty stall to take a 15-minute dump in.

And with every meal you get a little cup of chicken noodle soup. Now, I don’t know if this is a Mexican tradition, but it should be. Granted, I might prefer a chicken tortilla soup, but I’ll take the chicken noodle. Mostly cause it has HUGE chunks of chicken.

The real hero of the place might be the margaritas. They pour them strong and in giant glasses. Seriously, a small is almost enough to get you drunk. A large is almost enough to get you laid (if your date doesn’t pass out first).

Two other memories come to mind when you bring up Lalo’s. The first is the artwork on the wall. At the Oak Park location (and I think the LaSalle St. location), they have a couple of paintings hanging up. One of them is of a Mexican warrior carrying a woman. You can see her boob. Needless to say this came in handy when I was in high school. And College. And now. Any place with free porn is going to get a thumbs-up from me. PLUS, every now and then they have live music. And when I say live music I mean a guy on a Casio with the worst voice ever. If Simon Cowell ate here I think he might throw his chicken noodle soup at the guy. Randy Jackson would just be happy the guy was “doing his thing”, then look to eat all the food off of Paula’s plate. And Seacrest would be ecstatic that there was someone in the place he was taller than.

Fist bump with a manly ass slap.


Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

WFOOD in Cincinnati

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



Now we're up to our long-distance dedication. And this one is about food, and more food, and a situation that we can all relate to, whether we have friends across the county, across town, or no friends at all. It's from a man in Chicago, IL. And here's what he writes:

"Dear Casey: For the past month or so, I’ve been spending a lot of time away from home. Between business trips to seeing family to visiting friends to shredding the gnar, I’ve been away maybe more than I should. You see, I’ve got a restaurant review site that 5s of 10s of people (or maybe only my friend Geoff) visit every week, and I feel that I’m letting them down. They’ve been reading about all of my misadventures in cities where they probably aren’t going anytime soon. What good is that doing them? How will they know where to eat, and where not to eat, in my absence? I want them to know how much I miss them, and that I’ll be back very soon.

So, Casey, could you play “Leaving on a Jet Plane” for my readers?

Thanks,

Josh"

Josh, here's your long distance dedication. Keep looking up, and keep reaching for the stars.


All my snacks are packed
I’m ready to eat
I’m strugglin’ now to stay on my feet
I ate so much I feel like I could die
But my bowels are breakin’
My undies torn
There’s no more waitin’
I’m gonna blow my horn
Everything tastes so much better
When it’s fried

So feed me and cook for me
Tell me that you’ll wait on me
Give me just a bit more cookie dough
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’m gonna eat again
I think, my colon is gonna blow

There’s so much food that I’ve choked down
Across the country in many a town
On the Windy City, they don’t got a thing
Ev’ry place I dine, I’ll think of you
Ev’ry pizza I eat, I’ll eat for you
When I come back, I’m sure I’ll be starving

So feed me and cook for me
Tell me that you’ll wait on me
Give me just a bit more cookie dough
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’m gonna eat again
I think, my colon is gonna blow

Now the time has come to pay you
But one more course
Let me eat you
Then I’ll close my tab
And be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won’t have to leave my home
Pizza and hot dogs make me fat and gay

Oh, feed me and cook for me
Tell me that you’ll wait on me
Give me just a bit more cookie dough
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’m gonna eat again
I think, my colon is gonna blow

But, I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’m gonna eat again
I think, my colon is gonna blow



Well, my latest trip didn’t exactly put me on a plane, but I did fly down I-65 and I-74 on my way to Cincinnati. I was planning on using some WKRAP in Cincinnati joke at some point in this review, but the food I ate all weekend was a pleasant surprise. Here’s a recap.



Restaurant: Ferrari’s
Location: 7677 Golf Terrace, Cincinnati, OH

We ate here Friday night. Our hosts didn’t want to try to hard to impress us with a fancy, trendy, cool restaurant. As we’re from Chicago, they figured nothing there would compare to anything here. So, they decided take us to Ferrari’s, a small little Italian restaurant. It felt like a place that’s been run by the same married couple for 50 years. Some sweet mom and pop who work 7 days a week, never complain, and love what they do. The front of the restaurant was a bakery where you could buy bread and dessert to go. The rest of the place was a cozy little restaurant.

We were sat at a table by the fireplace, which added to the romance. Now, our hosts (Angie and Tim) called ahead for reservations. The hostess told them, “We don’t really take reservations. But, if you leave your name and the number in your party, we’ll hold a table for you.” Um, I’m pretty sure that’s a reservation, but what do I know. When we go there I think I know what they meant – at 8 o’clock on a Friday getting a table was a breeze. And it’s like this almost everywhere in Cincy. Seriously. There’s a rush at some places at like 7 o’clock, but after that you’re golden. It’s amazing. Either people don’t go out to eat here or it’s the most boring city ever. And I’m not sure what the answer is. Of course on Saturday at Montgomery Inn the wait was almost 2 hours at 7 o’clock, so I guess some places are more crowded than others. Then again the people at Montgomery Inn were wearing bibs and most were being pushed around in wheel chairs by people walking with canes. For a minute I thought I was in Florida hanging out with the Seinfeld’s. And I’m told Montgomery Inn is really good. I was kind of hoping to run into Drew Lachey and his disco ball there, but I didn’t. What was I talking about?

Back to Ferrari’s. Everything felt like it was cooked by momma using an old family recipe. I love that. We started with the Calamari Fritti. It kind of tasted like the onion rings from Burger King, except with calamari instead of onions. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this sooner? I love Burger King onion rings. And that means I also love Calamari Fritti at Ferrari’s. We also got an order of Fried Mozzarella. Here is how they describe it in the menu: “cheese sliced and breaded by hand and fried until golden brown.” I’ll give you one guess what my feelings for this dish was – Squisito! (I think that means delicious in Italian. Or squishy. I’m not sure.)

For my entrée I ordered up Mama Bassano’s Lasagna, and let me tell you, mama knows how to cook. What great lasagna. Just loaded with mozzarella cheese. I mean loaded. How can you have a bad dish when it’s loaded with gooey, melted cheese? You can’t. I wish she were my mama. I also ordered a side of the Fettuccine Alfredo. Nothing special here. Oh well.

Overall, I keep going back and forth, but I’m gonna go ahead and give it a chest bump. Great atmosphere, good service, and I loved the food. And they used lots of cheese on everything.



Restaurant: Graeter’s
Location:

We looked over the dessert menu at Ferrari’s and Angie said there was an ice cream place nearby that was kind of famous, so we opted for that. The place was Graeter’s. The ice cream was the best I’ve ever had. Ever. The creamiest, smoothest, sweetest, best tasting ice cream you’ll ever have. I might consider moving to Cincinnati. Seriously. The mint chocolate chip has these huge chunks of chocolate that are more like fudge or a piece of Frango chocolate. It just melts in your mouth, and the pieces are big enough to choke a whore. I mean horse.

Half handshake, half chest-bump hug, although I’m contemplating creating a new rating just for this place. Maybe an HJ, which is like 6 stars. I don’t know, I’m thinking about it.



Restaurant: The Original Pancake House
Location: 9977 Montgomery Road, Montgomery, OH

Ah, breakfast. My favorite meal of the day. And once again I traveled five hours to eat at a place I could go to anytime in Chicago. Of course my other choice was First Watch, which is like a glorified Denny’s but not as good. So I was happy with Pancake House. Plus, they do breakfast right – huge, giant, almost uneatable portions served at a great price. Who doesn’t love that? I went with their famous Apple Pancake, which is like having an apple pie for breakfast. And to be honest, I’m secretly hoping someday that a place actually offers apple pie for breakfast. I will say, I like the Apple Pancake at Walker Brothers much better.

Here’s a quick history lesson. The Original Pancake House started in Portland, Oregon in 1953. Walker Brothers started in Portland, Oregon in 1960. So, they pretty much copied The Original Pancake House menu (including the Dutch Baby and the Apple Pancake). But, looks like The Original Pancake House became more successful with over 90 franchises across the country. Of course Walker Brothers has the better Apple Pancake, but not as many people get to enjoy it.

I do love the omelettes at The Original Pancake House. They’re oven baked AND you get three pancakes to go along with it. You get to satisfy two cravings at once. Maybe that’s why they’ve been kicking Walker Brothers’ ass.

Anyway, solid choice for breakfast – fist bump.



Restaurant: Kona Bistro
Location: 3012 Madison Road, Cincinnati, OH

We ate here Saturday night after seeing if we could get a seat at Montgomery Inn. We decided nothing was worth a 2-hour wait (unless it involves one of the Lachey’s or Bob Huggins doing lines of coke off my wife’s breasts) and headed to Kona Bistro. We called from Montgomery Inn to see if we would have to wait, and they said, “If you can get here in the next 15 minutes, we should be able to seat you.” This was at 7 o’clock. When we got there we had to wait maybe 10 minutes. And that was the longest wait off the night. And this seems to be a pretty good joint. I just think that people in Cincy hate food. Or fun. Or both. Or they just all go to Montgomery Inn.

For apps we got the three cheese artichoke dip. And the only thing better than cheese is three cheeses. Good stuff. And I ordered a cup of the southwestern crab and corn chowder. Fantastic. For dinner I chowed on the pork chop. It was topped with dried cherry-port demiglace. I have no idea what that is, but it tasted great. I wish my wife cooked like this. And it came with caramelized onion mashed potatoes. Perfect. My only complaint is that they wasted valuable plate space by including some roasted asparagus. It was green. I don’t eat green. Unless it’s mint flavored.

I really like this place. A solid chest bump. Might have scored a tad higher but I hated the artwork on the walls (worst paint job ever). But, it does get bonus points for featuring a creepy old guy having dinner with a girl in her early to mid twenties. We spent the entire night guessing if they were father/daughter or boyfriend/girlfriend. I love games like this (others include “dude/not-a-dude” and the classic “foreign or gay”). Turned out they were boyfriend/girlfriend. I almost lost my dinner. But good for him. And horrible for her.



Restaurant: Graeter’s
Location:

Yeah, that’s right. I made them take us back there the next night. So what? I found out you can go online (Graeters.com) and order 12 pints of ice cream to be delivered to your door for $80 (more depending where you live). It would be the best money ever spent. I want to open up a franchise in my living room.

Official rating – HJ.


Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

Uncommon Ground

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star


Restaurant: Uncommon Ground
Location: 3800 N. Clark


So, judging by the name, you’d guess that Uncommon Ground was a coffee house, but not your typical coffee house. “Common” coffee houses simply serve coffee, maybe some biscotti or scones, and some seasonal drink like hot chocolate or iced hot chocolate. But this place is Uncommon, so clearly there is a lot more going on here. And since this place is so uncommon, let’s take a look at other “un”s that might help describe it.


UNCOMMON – the coffee house. It has a bar, a variety of food all day long, is open until 2 a.m., and has live music in the back. And they don’t open until 9 a.m., which is late for a coffee house.

UNBELIEVABLE – the hot chocolate. Awesome. I demand that you order a cup (more like a bowl) of this when you go there. Even if it’s the middle of summer, 90 degrees outside, and 100 percent humidity. It’s that good.

UNAFFORDALBE – also the hot chocolate. The cup/bowl was more than hot chocolate should be. Again, you’re talking about milk and chocolate. No matter how good it is, or how big the cup/bowl is, you still shouldn’t be paying more than a couple of bucks. But, well worth the money. And everything else on the menu seems reasonably priced, so I’ll let it slide.

UNATHLETIC – me.

UNATTAINABLE – Jessica Biel. And my wife (Seriously, you have no shot with her. Hell, I have no shot with her.)

UNATTENDED – how we felt the time we sat at the bar for brunch. One bartender, very busy, not a lot of time to take our order or refill our drinks. Not her fault, but also not a good thing. And the other time we sat in the back room and were one or 3 tables back there and it still took forever to get our food.

UNCHEWABLE – the chicken on the barbeque pizza I got. It wasn’t really unchewable, but it was super dry and had no flavor and really took away from the rest of the pizza, which was pretty decent.

UNDISCOVERED – this place kind of was until it was on “Check, Please!” recently. You could go here most anytime (save for maybe before/during/after a Cubs’ game) and have no trouble finding a table. The last two times I’ve gone there has been a slight wait. But, it’s better in the summer when you can sit outside.

UNEXTRAORDINARY – this is the opposite of how I would describe the weekend specials, which are awesome, and I always have to resist ordering all of them. Luckily my wife is there and gives me that look (you know, the same one I get when I try to make out with her) when I think about ordering more than one thing.

UNFANCY – the atmosphere. Dressed up or dressed down, or not dressed at all, you’ll fit in.

UNIMPRESSED – the breakfast burrito special I ate one time I was there. Not bad, but also not as good as others I’ve had (like at Bongo Room or Toast or H.U.E., to name a few).

UNABLE – to dunk a basketball.

UNCHANGED - I wish I could say this about the chicken sandwich, but the last couple of times we’ve gone it has been different every time. Some times the bread is different, or the size of the sandwich, or the sauce, or whatever, but it’s been a crapshoot the last several times. That’s a bad thing. You want your staple menu items to be consistent. Especially this one, which can be…

UNREAL – the chicken sandwich.

UNBUTTON – my shirt. I just did. And I’m rubbing my belly.

UNCALLED-FOR – see “UNBUTTON”.

UNCERTAIN – can’t decide how much I like this place. One time I love it, the next time I don’t. Hard to get a read. Again, I don’t think this is a good thing.

UNCOCK – I just wanted to say “cock”.

UNCOOL – “Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy!”

UNCTUOUS – the bread that was served with the spinach and goat cheese dip. Toasted little pieces of bread instead of chips, but they looked (and were) very greasy. And you know what that means – they were delicious. The dip was fantastic. I’d get it again. In fact, I’d put it on top of my cereal every morning if I could. (and I know “unctuous” isn’t the same time of “un” I’ve been using, but seriously, how often can you use the word “unctuous”.)

UNDERPANTS – I’m not wearing any.

UNDERSTAND – I don’t expect you to.

UNDRESS – what I’m doing as you read this.

UNEXPECTED – that you’ve read this far.

UNFORGETTABLE – not this place.

UNIT – not really an “un”, but I like saying “unit”.

UNMARRIED – what my wife wishes she was.

UNZIP – I think you know.

UNCOMMON GROUND – turns out it is very common. Fist bump.



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