United Center

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: The United Center
Locations: 1901 W. Madison St.


I’ve been a Chicago Bulls season ticket holder for two years now. I do the 11-game package, partly because I can’t afford the full season, and mostly because my wife told me I could only do the 11-game package. Good enough for me. I love basketball, so even getting to 11 games makes me happy. It was time that I go to a game, stuff my face with as much food as possible, and then write about it. Which is different from most games where I go, stuff my face with as much food as possible and then don’t write about.

At the most recent game I got to see the Bulls destroy the Trial Blazers. Here were the highlights:

My buddy Geoff, who I have the tickets with this year, got some upgraded tickets through his mortgage broker. So, rather than sit up in the 300 level, we were movin’ on up (or down, actually) to the 200 level.

The game kicked off with a chilling rendition of the national anthem sung by a 10-year-old boy. And I don’t mean Whitney-Houston-at-the-Super-Bowl chilling, I mean Hellraiser chilling. Like Geoff said, “This kid won’t be happy if he ever has to watch a tape of this. I hope they burn every copy.” But he did have enthusiasm and got a huge ovation when he was done. Maybe it’s because he was finally done. Either way he was pretty psyched, so good for him.

For the first quarter I opted for a jumbo hot dog and a pretzel with a side of nacho cheese. The hot dog wasn’t great. The problem was the bun. Usually the best part about stadium dogs is that the bun is really soft from all the steam. But this bun was a little dry, and a little crusty. Not a good combo. And speaking of bad combos, how about Darius Miles and Sebastian Telfair. I feel like I have a connection with both. With Miles, I was living in St. Louis when he was coming out of high school from the east side. He was getting a ton of coverage in the Post-Dispatch, so I was reading a lot about him. And it’s the reason I’ve always kept him on my basketball radar, following his career and checking how he’s doing. Well, the answer is “not good”. He took a ton of shots, most of them awful choices, and he couldn’t hit the broad side of my belly, which is tough to miss. He was 4-14 with 8 points coming off the bench. I’m not sure how, but he’s averaging a little over 15 a game this season. I think that stat alone shows just how bad the Blazers are. Not only that, but his hairline was worse than Jerry Rice’s. When Jerry was rockin’ the cornrows, his forehead started half way back on his skull. Not a good look. And Darius looked like he was suffering from the same curse, but because he’s only 24 I’m sure he refuses to shave his head and admit that he’s balding. My other favorite Darius memory is when he starred in the movie “The Perfect Score”. Just a great, horrible, cliché-filled high school movie. I watch it every time it’s on (which is never, thank god).

Then there’s Telfair (the other half of the bad combo that started this random rant, not to be confused with Adam Ant). I just watched the ESPN movie “Through the Fire”. He really is short. The movie showed that NBA scouts were concerned with his height, but I didn’t know why, as there are a couple of shorter players who are great (A.I.), but Telfair really is small. He just looks overmatched against everyone. Watching him in high school, he looked amazing. But that was against other high school players. In real life he looks awful, to the point that Jannero Pargo was making him look bad. When you’re the 13th pick in a draft and Pargo breaks your ankles, it might be time to reconsider your career. Oh, except for the fact that he’s made more money in one year than my total career earnings will ever be. Let’s move on.

Wait, before we move on let me say one more thing about the Blazers – they have Steve Blake starting for them. That’s all I wanted to say. I’m still amazed by this.

Anyway, the pretzel was better than the hot dog, but I think that had something to do with the side of cheese I was dipping it into. See, this is an example of a good combo, kind of like Hinrich to Schenscher. And speaking of Schenscher, when the Bulls signed him to a 10-day contract, there were two theories on why they did it. 1) Geoff thought Chicago wanted another Australian center named Luke so that every time he scored the crowd could yell “Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuke.” 2) The other theory is that the ladies of Chicago were demanding Schenscher. Why? Well, I think Luke puts it best – “The curls get the girls. That’s why I got them.” Who am I to argue?

After the end of the first quarter I journeyed back to the concession stand for round two of the Josh Kell Heart Attack Challenge. This time I went with an order of nachos and some jalapeño poppers. The nachos were just what I expected (since I get them almost every game). Good, crisp, salty chips with some hot and creamy (you must be 18 and older to read this review) nachos cheese that has a hint of spicy jalapeño flavor. My only complaint is that it’s never enough cheese, so I always want to order a side of it, but then I’m annoyed that I would even have to, so I don’t, then I sulk when I run out of cheese.

Now, the poppers were a different story. Just horrible. I’d never had them before, so I wanted to try something new. Huge, huge mistake. They weren’t even heated up all the way through. And I say heated up instead of cooked because they obviously come pre-cooked out of a bag and just need to be reheated. Whoever microwaved them didn’t do it long enough, and the middle was still cold. And not just cold, but a little icy. And there is nothing worse than ice cheese. And they cost me $6.50 for only five of them. At least they didn’t give me food poisoning, so they got that going for them.

What did make me sick was the Luvabulls. Quite possibly the most unattractive group of women I’ve ever seen. I know because I have a poster of them in my office, and every time someone stops by to say “hi” they make a lot of Rocky Dennis-type remarks. That’s not a good sign. Plus, the Bulls have a group of kids cleverly called the BullsKidz (see the “z” instead of the “s” makes them “street”, which they are ‘cause they “keep it real”). The BullsKidz can out dance the Luvabulls any day of the week. When your professional dance team isn’t as good as a group of 8 year olds, it’s time to start recruiting some new talent.

But things really picked up at halftime when a man simply referred to as “Christopher from Vegas” was performing. His act? He dressed up like the Native American from the Village People. But, he had this contraption that had four mannequins attached to him, so when he moved they moved (just like that? Hell yeah, hey DJ, bring that back). It looked like they were dancing in unison the entire time. Not sure how this constituted a halftime show, but at least I know what I’m being for Halloween this year.

After halftime I needed something sweet so I found the soft-serve ice cream vendor and got a cone of chocolate goodness. I just wish it were chocolate greatness. I didn’t even know they had ice cream here, and I found out that it’s actually right next to where our season tickets are. How did I not know about this? Doesn’t matter. I do know now and I think it will be worked into the rotation, along with the nachos, for every game.

Last tangent is a story from Geoff. He went to the doctor a ways back and had to get some blood drawn. He asked the nurse if it was going to hurt and she said, “You a virgin aren’t you?” He laughed and was very confused. Then she went on, saying, “See, you’ll can prick, but you can’t take it when you is pricked.” True, true.

Nachos – chest bump.
Pretzel (w/cheese) – fist bump with a manly ass slap.
Hot dog – high five.
Poppers – fone and fone.
Ice Cream – fist bump.
Food overall – fist bump.
Bulls when playing the Blazers – half handshake, half chest-bump hug.
Bulls the rest of this season – high five.
Luvabulls – handshake.
National Anthem – fist bump (for comedy’s sake).
This season of 24 – fist bump (still a great show, but how many times can CTU be broken into and f-things up?)
Best NCAA bracket name comes from AJ - “BrokeBracket Mountain”


And if you work in an office you’ve probably seen the deal where people sign off their email with an inspirational quote, so I’m gonna finish this review with a quote that inspires my buddy Geoff:

"I kept on hearing somebody talking slick from behind me. I'm like who is talking to me. Me and Hinrich got a little battle going on on the floor, and that's all fun and games. But I keep hearing somebody behind me, and it's [Skiles]. So I said, `Wow.' His job is to coach the team. His job is not to say stuff to me. That's what kind of [got me angry], because he opened his mouth and tried to talk slick from behind me.”
- Richard Hamilton


Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.