WFOOD in Cincinnati

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



Now we're up to our long-distance dedication. And this one is about food, and more food, and a situation that we can all relate to, whether we have friends across the county, across town, or no friends at all. It's from a man in Chicago, IL. And here's what he writes:

"Dear Casey: For the past month or so, I’ve been spending a lot of time away from home. Between business trips to seeing family to visiting friends to shredding the gnar, I’ve been away maybe more than I should. You see, I’ve got a restaurant review site that 5s of 10s of people (or maybe only my friend Geoff) visit every week, and I feel that I’m letting them down. They’ve been reading about all of my misadventures in cities where they probably aren’t going anytime soon. What good is that doing them? How will they know where to eat, and where not to eat, in my absence? I want them to know how much I miss them, and that I’ll be back very soon.

So, Casey, could you play “Leaving on a Jet Plane” for my readers?

Thanks,

Josh"

Josh, here's your long distance dedication. Keep looking up, and keep reaching for the stars.


All my snacks are packed
I’m ready to eat
I’m strugglin’ now to stay on my feet
I ate so much I feel like I could die
But my bowels are breakin’
My undies torn
There’s no more waitin’
I’m gonna blow my horn
Everything tastes so much better
When it’s fried

So feed me and cook for me
Tell me that you’ll wait on me
Give me just a bit more cookie dough
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’m gonna eat again
I think, my colon is gonna blow

There’s so much food that I’ve choked down
Across the country in many a town
On the Windy City, they don’t got a thing
Ev’ry place I dine, I’ll think of you
Ev’ry pizza I eat, I’ll eat for you
When I come back, I’m sure I’ll be starving

So feed me and cook for me
Tell me that you’ll wait on me
Give me just a bit more cookie dough
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’m gonna eat again
I think, my colon is gonna blow

Now the time has come to pay you
But one more course
Let me eat you
Then I’ll close my tab
And be on my way
Dream about the days to come
When I won’t have to leave my home
Pizza and hot dogs make me fat and gay

Oh, feed me and cook for me
Tell me that you’ll wait on me
Give me just a bit more cookie dough
Cause I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’m gonna eat again
I think, my colon is gonna blow

But, I’m leavin’ on a jet plane
Don’t know when I’m gonna eat again
I think, my colon is gonna blow



Well, my latest trip didn’t exactly put me on a plane, but I did fly down I-65 and I-74 on my way to Cincinnati. I was planning on using some WKRAP in Cincinnati joke at some point in this review, but the food I ate all weekend was a pleasant surprise. Here’s a recap.



Restaurant: Ferrari’s
Location: 7677 Golf Terrace, Cincinnati, OH

We ate here Friday night. Our hosts didn’t want to try to hard to impress us with a fancy, trendy, cool restaurant. As we’re from Chicago, they figured nothing there would compare to anything here. So, they decided take us to Ferrari’s, a small little Italian restaurant. It felt like a place that’s been run by the same married couple for 50 years. Some sweet mom and pop who work 7 days a week, never complain, and love what they do. The front of the restaurant was a bakery where you could buy bread and dessert to go. The rest of the place was a cozy little restaurant.

We were sat at a table by the fireplace, which added to the romance. Now, our hosts (Angie and Tim) called ahead for reservations. The hostess told them, “We don’t really take reservations. But, if you leave your name and the number in your party, we’ll hold a table for you.” Um, I’m pretty sure that’s a reservation, but what do I know. When we go there I think I know what they meant – at 8 o’clock on a Friday getting a table was a breeze. And it’s like this almost everywhere in Cincy. Seriously. There’s a rush at some places at like 7 o’clock, but after that you’re golden. It’s amazing. Either people don’t go out to eat here or it’s the most boring city ever. And I’m not sure what the answer is. Of course on Saturday at Montgomery Inn the wait was almost 2 hours at 7 o’clock, so I guess some places are more crowded than others. Then again the people at Montgomery Inn were wearing bibs and most were being pushed around in wheel chairs by people walking with canes. For a minute I thought I was in Florida hanging out with the Seinfeld’s. And I’m told Montgomery Inn is really good. I was kind of hoping to run into Drew Lachey and his disco ball there, but I didn’t. What was I talking about?

Back to Ferrari’s. Everything felt like it was cooked by momma using an old family recipe. I love that. We started with the Calamari Fritti. It kind of tasted like the onion rings from Burger King, except with calamari instead of onions. Why hasn’t anyone thought of this sooner? I love Burger King onion rings. And that means I also love Calamari Fritti at Ferrari’s. We also got an order of Fried Mozzarella. Here is how they describe it in the menu: “cheese sliced and breaded by hand and fried until golden brown.” I’ll give you one guess what my feelings for this dish was – Squisito! (I think that means delicious in Italian. Or squishy. I’m not sure.)

For my entrée I ordered up Mama Bassano’s Lasagna, and let me tell you, mama knows how to cook. What great lasagna. Just loaded with mozzarella cheese. I mean loaded. How can you have a bad dish when it’s loaded with gooey, melted cheese? You can’t. I wish she were my mama. I also ordered a side of the Fettuccine Alfredo. Nothing special here. Oh well.

Overall, I keep going back and forth, but I’m gonna go ahead and give it a chest bump. Great atmosphere, good service, and I loved the food. And they used lots of cheese on everything.



Restaurant: Graeter’s
Location:

We looked over the dessert menu at Ferrari’s and Angie said there was an ice cream place nearby that was kind of famous, so we opted for that. The place was Graeter’s. The ice cream was the best I’ve ever had. Ever. The creamiest, smoothest, sweetest, best tasting ice cream you’ll ever have. I might consider moving to Cincinnati. Seriously. The mint chocolate chip has these huge chunks of chocolate that are more like fudge or a piece of Frango chocolate. It just melts in your mouth, and the pieces are big enough to choke a whore. I mean horse.

Half handshake, half chest-bump hug, although I’m contemplating creating a new rating just for this place. Maybe an HJ, which is like 6 stars. I don’t know, I’m thinking about it.



Restaurant: The Original Pancake House
Location: 9977 Montgomery Road, Montgomery, OH

Ah, breakfast. My favorite meal of the day. And once again I traveled five hours to eat at a place I could go to anytime in Chicago. Of course my other choice was First Watch, which is like a glorified Denny’s but not as good. So I was happy with Pancake House. Plus, they do breakfast right – huge, giant, almost uneatable portions served at a great price. Who doesn’t love that? I went with their famous Apple Pancake, which is like having an apple pie for breakfast. And to be honest, I’m secretly hoping someday that a place actually offers apple pie for breakfast. I will say, I like the Apple Pancake at Walker Brothers much better.

Here’s a quick history lesson. The Original Pancake House started in Portland, Oregon in 1953. Walker Brothers started in Portland, Oregon in 1960. So, they pretty much copied The Original Pancake House menu (including the Dutch Baby and the Apple Pancake). But, looks like The Original Pancake House became more successful with over 90 franchises across the country. Of course Walker Brothers has the better Apple Pancake, but not as many people get to enjoy it.

I do love the omelettes at The Original Pancake House. They’re oven baked AND you get three pancakes to go along with it. You get to satisfy two cravings at once. Maybe that’s why they’ve been kicking Walker Brothers’ ass.

Anyway, solid choice for breakfast – fist bump.



Restaurant: Kona Bistro
Location: 3012 Madison Road, Cincinnati, OH

We ate here Saturday night after seeing if we could get a seat at Montgomery Inn. We decided nothing was worth a 2-hour wait (unless it involves one of the Lachey’s or Bob Huggins doing lines of coke off my wife’s breasts) and headed to Kona Bistro. We called from Montgomery Inn to see if we would have to wait, and they said, “If you can get here in the next 15 minutes, we should be able to seat you.” This was at 7 o’clock. When we got there we had to wait maybe 10 minutes. And that was the longest wait off the night. And this seems to be a pretty good joint. I just think that people in Cincy hate food. Or fun. Or both. Or they just all go to Montgomery Inn.

For apps we got the three cheese artichoke dip. And the only thing better than cheese is three cheeses. Good stuff. And I ordered a cup of the southwestern crab and corn chowder. Fantastic. For dinner I chowed on the pork chop. It was topped with dried cherry-port demiglace. I have no idea what that is, but it tasted great. I wish my wife cooked like this. And it came with caramelized onion mashed potatoes. Perfect. My only complaint is that they wasted valuable plate space by including some roasted asparagus. It was green. I don’t eat green. Unless it’s mint flavored.

I really like this place. A solid chest bump. Might have scored a tad higher but I hated the artwork on the walls (worst paint job ever). But, it does get bonus points for featuring a creepy old guy having dinner with a girl in her early to mid twenties. We spent the entire night guessing if they were father/daughter or boyfriend/girlfriend. I love games like this (others include “dude/not-a-dude” and the classic “foreign or gay”). Turned out they were boyfriend/girlfriend. I almost lost my dinner. But good for him. And horrible for her.



Restaurant: Graeter’s
Location:

Yeah, that’s right. I made them take us back there the next night. So what? I found out you can go online (Graeters.com) and order 12 pints of ice cream to be delivered to your door for $80 (more depending where you live). It would be the best money ever spent. I want to open up a franchise in my living room.

Official rating – HJ.


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