Philly

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



I finally did it. After 30 years and extensive amounts of food entering my digestive track, I finally did it. I always wondered what it would be like to eat Styrofoam covered in dust, and thanks to my trip to Philadelphia, I now know. But more on that in a minute.


Restaurant: Chez Colette
Location: 120 S. 17th St.

I was in Philly for work, and after our meeting we were supposed to fly back on the first available flight. Of course we were flying into O’Hare so our flight was cancelled and we had a couple hours to spare before the next flight. We decided to skip hanging out at the airport and instead decided to grab some chow in the city. Somehow we ended up at Chez Colette, which is the restaurant at Sofitel, where we all stayed at the night before. Now, the hotel was great. Incredibly nice rooms. Sheets that didn’t feel like they might have been spooged on the night before. A separate shower and bathtub. And I had a room on the corner, so I had great views (for the 7 hours I was in the room). But all that being said, I still didn’t want to eat at the restaurant in the hotel. I would have been much happier eating a cheesesteak off the streak (I know, very shocking). But, the hotel was so nice I figured at least the food at the restaurant would be good.

I started off with about 9 pieces of bread. I didn’t have much for breakfast (just a bowl of fruit and a chocolate croissant) so I was starving, and it was 1:00. It’s not that the bread was good, it’s just that I wasn’t picky. I subsided the hunger pains long enough to order. Now, I wasn’t sure what to get, and only two things on the menu sounded good to me. The fish and chips and the BLT. I’ve never had a BLT in my life. That’s not a joke. And it’s surprising because I really like bacon. Plus, I love bacon. However, I’ve never been a tomato guy. I’ve always liked things made with tomatoes (ketchup, salsa, pizza sauce, etc…) but the veggie itself has never been something I’ve typically enjoyed. I went years without ever trying a Whopper simply because it had a tomato on it. My mom on the other hand grows them in our backyard and eats them like apples. But me? Not so much. Which is why I’ve never had a BLT. But on this day, it sounded appealing. And after asking the server what he would get between the two, I ended up ordering the BLT.

It came with a small salad and pommes frites (which is just a fancy way of saying French fries). The salad was great. It was really simple – just some spinach with a vinaigrette. The vinaigrette was pretty sweet with a hint of oil and salt. I enjoyed it (as much as I can enjoy a salad). Sadly, it was the best part of my meal.

The BLT was extremely disappointing. First, the bun. It was one of those butter buns where the entire thing crumbles with the first bite. I hate those buns. Second, there was barely any bacon. How is this even allowed? It’s the first letter in the sandwich. Doesn’t that make it the most important? If I were building a BLT I would have just a huge stack of bacon. It would feel like you ordered a quarter-pounder, except instead of a burger patty you would find strip upon strip of bacon. Third, there wasn’t enough bacon. There’s not much else to say after that. It had plenty of mayo, which was nice, and I actually liked the tomato. Just too much bun (and a crappy bun to boot) and not enough bacon. This may have turned me off to BLTs forever. We’ll see.

And the “pommes frites”. What a joke. I’ve had pommes frites at places before where you felt like there was someone in back slicing the potato by hand and then frying it in a pan (not some commercial fryer) and they’ve been really good (Quartino and Sweet Alice come to mind). But these “pommes frites” were just a bad version of McDonald’s fries. I would not be surprised to learn that they come frozen in a giant bag and are thrown into a big fryer, except that they don’t use the same oil as McDonald’s, so they look just like them without any of the greasy goodness. How does a French restaurant screw up French fries? I don’t know, but they did.

I can’t give this place more than a handshake with a manly ass slap. And I’m only doing that because I really liked my salad (but it’s a side salad, so who really cares) and because my boss said his crab cake was good.



Restaurant: United Airlines
Location: First Class of a 757

After my flight was cancelled and I got re-booked on a later one, I was lucky enough to be bumped up to first class. I’ve only flown first class twice in my life before this. The first time was on a trip from St. Louis to L.A., and all I really remember was getting drunk because I was 22 and you could drink for free. The second time was a trip a couple of years ago to London. There’s nothing better than getting bumped up on a long flight overseas. I got some warm nuts, my own TV to watch whatever I wanted, tons of leg room so I could lay close to flat and go to sleep (which I never did because I was so excited to be in first class), and free drinks. Do you care about any of this? Of course not.

Anyway, I was excited to be on first class. It had been a long day and quite frankly I was looking forward to the free drinks to unwind. But as an added bonus we got a meal with our flight. And warm nuts (can’t believe I’m passing up a joke here). For dinner I went with the turkey sandwich.

When it came out it looked surprisingly good. The “sandwich” was actually a toasted piece of French bread, topped with some sort of mustard, turkey, and melted cheese (even though the cheese looked like it was melted about two days earlier). It came with a side of potatoes and carrot cake for dessert.

I took a bite of the potatoes first. It was easily the second nastiest thing I’ve ever eaten in my life. The first? Well, that honor would go to Border Grill in Santa Monica, who thought it would be a good idea to serve red chicory with their pork porterhouse. If you don’t’ know what chicory is, don’t feel bad, neither did I. I had to look it up on Wikipedia after the fact. But basically it’s a leafy veggie kind of like lettuce. Let’s put it this way – one variation of the chicory is used as a coffee substitute. When I bit into it I assumed it would taste like salad. Instead it tasted like I was tossing someone’s salad. When I asked the waiter what it was, he told me and then asked if I liked it. I told him it was the most disgusting thing I’d ever eaten. He said a lot of people had that reaction, which left me to wonder why they continued to serve it. But before I could get an answer he brought me a free dessert, so all was forgiven.

Back to the potatoes on the United flight. They tasted, as I mentioned earlier, like Styrofoam covered in dust. And not just a light dusting (no pun intended) of dust, but like one of those big dust bunnies you find under your bed. I had to try a second bite to see if it was my eyes or tongue that was wrong. It was definitely my eyes. They looked like potatoes, but they tasted like ass. You know what the sad thing was? I had enough free Jack and Cokes in me that I ate the entire plate. I think I thought I was on a candid episode of Fear Factor: United. Yes, I have an eating problem.

The turkey sandwich wasn’t much better. It looked like it was probably incredible three days earlier when it was made, but the reheating process didn’t do a thing for it. And again, I ate the whole thing.

The carrot cake was good. It was the one thing on my tray that I didn’t feel bad about when I was done eating.

You know what else was delicious? The Jack and Cokes. Here’s a funny story (not really, but I’m telling it anyway). When the flight attendant came by to take my drink order, I ordered a Jack and Coke, and she said, “Oh, thank god.” I’m not sure why but it made me smile. I was going to ask her what she meant or why she was so relieved, but then they started showing The Office and I got distracted.

United Airlines gets a handshake, and that’s only because of the free drinks.


Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.