My Pie Pizza

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star


Restaurant: My Pie Pizza
Locations: 2010 N. Damen or 2417 N. Clark


I lived in St. Louis for several years, and went to school in Missouri for the four years before that. And down there, when it comes to pizza or cutting the blackjack deck in the shadiest casinos in the country, the saying is, “Thin to win.” So, needless to say, pizza in St. Louis is like a cracker covered in tomato sauce and cheese. It’s almost the perfect finger food, but if you’re looking for a meal you need to order like 3 or 4 pizzas, and that’s just for you. If you have a couple friends over, you’ll need about 20 pizzas, so you’ll end up dropping $200 and two hours later be hungry again.

Where was I going there? Oh, so My Pie Pizza does thin crust and stuffed pizza. I almost always order the thin crust pizza. And it really is just like St. Louis style pizza, except My Pie uses mozzarella cheese, while St. Louis is famous for topping their pizza off with some other crappy cheese that sticks to the roof of your mouth and makes you want to swallow your tongue. Anyway, I really like the thin crust pizza at My Pie. You can order a large, and kill it in one sitting, sit on your couch, drink a beer, and be perfectly satisfied (at least for an hour or so).

I’ve had their stuffed pizza one time, and it was OK, but there are so many great stuffed pizza places in the city, that it’s not worth wasting your time on My Pie’s stuffed pizza. Stick with their thin crust. It’s really good. I order it a lot for a pizza fix that’s a little less filling.

It’s a good fist bump with a manly ass slap.

Bacino's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



Restaurant: Bacino’s
Locations: 2204 N. Lincoln or 118 S. Clinton

I’ll keep this one brief. This is my favorite pizza place in the city. I think it’s the best stuffed pizza around.

If you go there, I’d advise that you order the Ricky Kim, which is a pepperoni and pepperoncini stuffed pizza. We discovered this one a ways back, and since then, I order it wherever and whenever I get pizza. Some places don’t have the pepperoncinis, so sometimes you have to substitute with hot peppers or jalapeños or whatever is available. Why am I still talking? You get the point – pepperoni and some sort of hot pepper.

And if you’re looking for something to do while you’re there, try this little challenge: order a large stuffed pizza (again, I’d advise the pizza above) and see how many pieces you can eat. My record is six. Of course I couldn’t walk for three days and spent another two days on the john, so I wouldn’t advise it. But honestly, is there anything more fun than eating yourself sick? I think not. And I’ve done it several times. Here are a couple of highlights (and I know you don’t care, but I don’t care that you don’t care):

The Milkshake Challenge at Crown Candy in St. Louis: You have 30 minutes to drink five milkshakes. It sounds easy, but take into account that the milkshakes are like 40% milk fat, or butter milk, or butter fat, or something like that. And the challenge has been around since like 1910, and only about 20 people have done it in all those years (when I tried, the last to do it was a pregnant lady). Anyway, I flew through three of them in twelve minutes. No problem. I had my friend Heeter warming up the milkshakes between his hands so they would go down easier. Now, I had 18 minutes to drink two milkshakes. But right at that moment I realized I had no chance. I could have gone for number four, but I knew that would put me in a coma. And if I attempted number five, I would be doing number two in the bathroom for at least a week. So, I used my good judgment and walked away after three. But, even with only drinking three, I made it back to work, was sick to my stomach, and ended up taking a 45 minute nap on my floor. If you’re ever in St. Louis I highly advise you give it a shot.

The Krispy Kreme Challenge at Zipatoni: To raise money for my bachelor party in Vegas, we decided to have a bake sale. On top of that I figured that an eating contest would be a good way to raise money. So, what we did was buy three-dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. Then, there were six envelopes with different number ranges on them (1-6, 7-12, etc…), and everyone put money in the envelope and their name written on a piece of paper was also put in the envelope. So, after I was done eating, a name would be drawn from the proper envelope based on the number of donuts I inhaled. That person would win all the money in the envelope and I’d keep the rest for the Vegas trip. So, we gave me eight minutes to eat as many as possible. Now, leading up to the wedding, which was quickly approaching, I had actually had another bet with my boy Juice where we were only allowed to consumer a certain amount of calories a day or you owed the other person money. So, for the month before this event I ended up shrinking my stomach, which affected my results. I was sure I could eat at least 24 of the donuts. In eight minutes I think I finished like nine. Or six. Or some other small number that was incredibly disappointing. Seriously, the entire office gathered around and I didn’t perform. It was embarrassing. Then I went into diabetic shock. Not good. And that was the Krispy Kreme challenge, which leads to the…

The Crave Case Challenge at Zipatoni: This challenge took place the next day, to make up for the poor showing at the Krispy Kreme challenge as an apology to everyone in the office. This one went even worse. I ate the same amount of White Castle burgers, except that halfway through I ended up booting in a garbage can before continuing to eat some burgers.

Sorry for the tangent. Back to the Bacino’s review. I’m not sure why I think it’s the best, but there is just something about it that makes me crave it and keeps me coming back time and time again. It’s the one pizza place that I have cravings for in Chicago.

So, half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

J-Thai

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



RESTAURANT: J-Thai
LOCATION: 3819 N. Southport



Steve Foley, who plays linebacker for the San Diego Chargers, said in an interview “Food is my favorite food. I don’t care what it is.” Well, I feel the same way. I like food. I like all kinds of food. I even like trying new kinds of food (which is a big change from when I was a kid). So, as you can imagine, it’s pretty tough to disappoint me.

But my friends, I have a story of disappointment for you. The other night we had some friends over, and decided we were going to go grab dinner. After much deliberation, we decided to check out Banana Leaf, which I ate at one time many moons ago. And when I ate there, I thought it was great. So, I was excited to go back, and the rest of the group was excited to give it a try. So we schlepped over there, parked the car illegally, and headed to Banana Leaf. Except it wasn’t Banana Leaf. Apparently it had closed, and instead we found ourselves standing on the doorstep of J-Thai. Needless to say, it’s no Banana Leaf.

But, we decided what the hell, we were in the mood for Thai, the place was empty (which is a bad sign, but good for us, because we had a baby with us, and his random screaming wouldn’t bother anyone), and we had made the trip, so let’s give it a try.

Now, there are essentially two menus: the Thai menu, and the Japanese menu. I stayed on the Thai side and ordered some steamed pot stickers and the green curry with extra chicken. Pot stickers were very average. The green curry was decent, and when I said extra chicken, they didn’t joke around, because it was LOADED with chicken, which is a big bonus for them. Someone else ordered the pad thai, and he said it was good, so I’ll take his word for it. My lady friend ordered sushi. She wasn’t happy about her decision. I had a piece of hers. I wasn’t happy about my decision to sample her decision.

Anyway, quick recap here – if you live close by and are in the mood for Thai, give it a shot, but don’t expect much. If you live more than three blocks away and are in the mood for Thai, see what else is close by.

Final rating: handshake with a manly ass slap.

Oh, and be warned, Banana Leaf is closed.

Carnivale

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



RESTAURANT: Carnivale
LOCATION: 702 W. Fulton Market


A couple of weeks ago I saw a movie called A History of Violence. As I was watching the movie I thought, “This is good. This is a good movie.” Then when the movie was over, I was talking to my friend and he said, “What’d you think?” And I said, “It was good. I liked x, y, z, and could have done without a, b, c. But, I liked it.” We stopped, ate some cheese fries, had a Mike’s Hard Lemonade (sans mini umbrella) and watched the Sox game. Soon, we shook hands and parted ways. Now I was walking over to another friends house to meet my wife, and thought about the movie a little more. I started to get the feeling that the movie was just OK. When I arrived at the party, I soon discovered that my wife’s friend’s roommate had also seen the movie, and by the time we were done talking about it, I realized I didn’t like the movie that much (except for Maria Bello, who shows her goods. And yes, I’m 13 with raging hormones.). What’s my point?

I felt the same way about Carnivale. As I ate the food, I thought it was fantastic. Really, I thought it was great. One of the people I was eating with even asked me if I’d come again, and I said, “absolutely.” But, by the time I got home and was in bed, I realized it wasn’t really that memorable. I was pretty sure it wasn’t that good. But, I’m a little torn because of how good the food was, or seemed, while I was eating it. I’m just kind of baffled.

Quick rant here. I can’t wait until bars and restaurants go to the no smoking format. When you enter Carnivale you walk right into the bar area, and it was smoky and I was in fear for my life. Maybe that’s a little dramatic, but you get the point. But, only the bar area was that bad, thank god.

Anyway, the layout and design of the place is pretty cool. It’s in the old Drink space, which I went to one time for New Years about four years ago. I kept trying to get my bearings, like where was the old bar, where was the stage, and where was I standing when the DJ played Prince’s 1999 for the 12th time. You’ll never figure it out. They did a great job remodeling the place. It’s really amazing. The joint sits like 700 or something. And they do a great job of dividing everything up so it feels like a bunch of intimate restaurants. Except for the main room, which is kind of ginormous, but in a good way. Even the walk to the bathroom (which is like 30 minutes away) is pretty sweet.

And really, I don’t have any complaints about the food. (Oh, by the way, the music that is piped in is a fun mix of Latin dance music and stuff, but back to the food.) It’s a blend of Mexican, Puerto Rican, Cuban, Colombian, and all that good stuff. Guacamole was fine. Nothing special, but not disappointing either. I only had like 30 servings of it. I don’t even remember the other appetizer, so I don’t think that’s a good thing. For dinner, my wife got a strip steak. Not bad. Super garlicky, which I love. But, nothing memorable either.

I hooked myself up with the braised rib or something. And when I say “or something” I mean something special. It was really, really good. Just melted in your mouth. Your fork effortlessly peeled away the meat. And it had this flavor I didn’t expect. This sweet kind of flavor, that wasn’t sweet like barbeque sauce, but another kind of sweet. I can only describe it as unexpected, in a good way. Of course the menu offered mac ‘n’ cheese, and if you know me, then you know I will always order a side of mac ‘n’ cheese if it’s offered on the menu. And it was great. It wasn’t cheese like Kraft Cheese and Macaroni (which is the best, hands down), it was more like an alfredo sauce, but with macaroni noodles. It was sooooo good and rich. And my rib came with mashed potatoes, which were also incredible.

And rich was a good way to describe everything. After you were done chowing, you just felt like you had a brick in your stomach. The food was just that rich and heavy. It was tough to eat everything that was put in front of you. But I tried. Then I ordered dessert. The chocolate cake. Get it.

But, all that being said, all the food being good, everything pleasing to the tummy, when it was all said and done, I just have this feeling of it being simply OK.

So, not sure about my final ranking. Could easily be a chest bump, but I think I have to give it a high five. I don’t know what to tell you. I guess I would say you have to go and try it for yourself, because I’m no help here.

Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinders

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



Restaurant: Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinders
Location: 2121 N. Clark


Wait. Wait. Wait. Keep waiting. Just hold on. Wait. Keep waiting. Look at your watch. Look again. Get a drink at the bar (if you can get through the crowd). Drink it. Wait some more. Then, wait just a little bit longer.

That’s what it’s like most nights at Chicago Pizza and Oven Grinders. You wait. I’ve been there a couple of times, and each time the wait was over 30 minutes. So, is it worth the wait? Well, yes and no.

YES.

The place has a lot of history, which is kind of cool. If you read the back of the menu you’ll learn all sorts of neat stuff about the place, none of which I can remember. But, whatever it was, I’m telling you it was kind of cool. Plus, it’s right across the street from where the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre took place. For me, that alone makes it worth the trip. And not really for myself, but for when you have friends or family in from out of town. It’s just one of those neat things that I think tourists appreciate. And you get to eat while appreciating it. Which is nice.

The atmosphere is great. It’s in the basement of an old school brownstone type building. Low ceilings, dim lights, dark wood, tight quarters, limited seating – it’s my kind of place. One time I was there and this couple that was a combined 6,000 pounds barely fit in their seats, and no one could get around their table. They basically trapped the other customers into their seats, and servers struggled to deliver food to everyone’s table. It made me laugh. I like laughing.

The guy who manages the place and takes your name when you arrive is roughly infinity. He never writes your name down or anything, which is kind of cool. He just remembers the order in which people show up and seats them accordingly. Or he has Alzheimer’s and that’s the reason you end up waiting forever to sit. Either way, it’s a nice touch.

The Mediterranean bread. The first time I was there we ordered one. It’s the size of the table. We ate it and then ordered another one to eat before dinner arrived. It’s good. Order it. Then eat it. Then order another one. Then eat that one. Then be happy.

The “pizza”. It’s pretty good, but…

NO

It’s not really pizza. It’s more like a lasagna potpie. And I didn’t know that going in. So, when I ordered the pizza, I was shocked to get this potpie thing. Now, it’s got great presentation, as they pop it out of a bowl and put it on your plate to eat. But, it’s not a pizza. It’s false advertisement. It’s like being the quarterback and going to prom with the head cheerleader then not being allowed to get around first base. They should do a better job of giving you a heads up when you order (and I’m not the first person to mention this). When you dig in, sure it’s pretty good, it’s just not what you’re ready for. The second time I was there I knew what I was getting and I was much happier. But, it’s still not great or anything. It’s just a really interesting way to serve lasagna. One of those things that if you experience it, you’ll be glad you did, but if you don’t, you aren’t missing out on too much and won’t really care that you’re missing out on it.

The grinders. I can’t remember if these were good or not, and I know I’ve ordered one before. So, since I remember nothing about them, that means they couldn’t have been that good (or bad). And since it isn’t memorable, I’ll put it in the “not worth the wait” section.

And really, that’s about it. Great place to take out-of-town guests, if you don’t mind waiting forever. My in laws enjoyed the experience, were lukewarm on the food, and annoyed by the wait. Kind of like me. If I could go there knowing I would never have to wait more than 5 or 10 minutes, I would probably go more often, but since that isn’t the case, I’ll keep my visits to a minimum.

High five with a manly ass slap.

The Great Fast Food Debate

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



You know, I thought it would be a good waste of my time, and yours, if I rated my favorite fast food places to chow down at. Why? Well, I think you can tell a lot about a person by their fast food choices. Or not. I have no idea what I’m talking about. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the big name fast food chains.


MCDONALD’S

McD’s has been around forever. And for good reason. It’s good. The fries are good, the burgers are good, the Big Macs are great, the Sausage McMuffins with Egg is good, the McGriddles are good, the Monopoly game is good, Grimmmace is good, Super Sizing WAS good, and the prices are good.

Now, I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for the place because the big dog of McDonald’s, Ray Kroc, went to my high school back in the day.

McDonald’s has something for everyone. Hamburgers, chicken, processed chicken, fries, shakes, salads, yogurt, soda, apple pies, cookies, cheeseburgers, double cheeseburgers, the Big ‘N’ Nasty, and poor service. Plus, they do a great job of offering seasonal items, like the McRib and the shamrock shake and the McBratwurst (and if you eat this, prepare to be not well for the 4-6 hours following consumption).

PLUS, McDonald’s invented the value meal, and Super Sizes, and fatness. These all get them big bonus points from me.

When I had the metabolism of an 18 year old, I used to order a Super Sized #1 and a large #2 as a meal. That’s a Big Mac, two cheeseburgers, a Super Size fry, a large fry, a Super Size Coke (Dr. Pepper if I was lucky), and a large Coke. And that was one meal. Then, as I got older and started watching my weight, I dialed it back a notch and just got a Super Size #1 and two cheeseburgers.

When it comes down to it, I think I’d have to say that Mickey D’s is my favorite fast food haunt. It’s got a lot to choose from, great prices (except in downtown Chicago. Quick side note here; you used to be able to order two value meals for under $6, now it’s almost $5 for one value meal. Sad.), and the food is usually pretty consistent from place to place.

Overall, it gets a chest bump. But realize, that’s a fast food rating. Compared to real restaurants it would be more like a handshake. For my stomachs sake, I try to only eat here about 6 times a week.


WENDY’S

I used to think that Wendy’s had the absolute best burgers around. I used to order like 4 or 5 double stacks every time, back when they were 99 cents. Plus fries and a soda. But then one day a friend and I both got food poisoning on the same day from Wendy’s burgers. I spent 48 hours ridding my body of everything it had from every hole available. Needless to say it wasn’t pleasant. And I haven’t been to a Wendy’s since. Too bad, really.

Pre food poisoning – chest bump with manly ass slap
Post food poisoning – fone and fone


BURGER KING

I never was a big fan of Burger King growing up. I used to be the pickiest eater. My mom always jokes that all I ever ate as a kid was hot dogs, pizza, and mac ‘n’ cheese. And you know what, she’s right. So, Burger King’s big thing was the Whopper, and it had onions and tomatoes and lettuce and other stuff that scared me. Realize that when I ordered a hot dog I would get it with ketchup only. So, a burger like the Whopper made me fear Burger King. Seriously, I refused to eat there. Then, when I was in high school, we were driving to Atlanta for the Olympics, and we had to stop and eat. The only place around was a Burger King, so I was forced to eat there. Now, I’ve been prone to throw a hissy fit a time or two, and this was one of those times. But, I had no choice. So, I ordered a Whopper, sans the tomatoes (I didn’t even know you could do that). And it was the best. In fact, I might say it’s better than a Big Mac. Maybe. Then I discovered they also had onion rings, which I doubt are made with real onions, but are fried, so who cares? They taste good. Then I got into the BK Broiler, which was a chicken sandwich that had some honey mustard or something. It was the whip. Now, my one problem with Burger King was always the price. It was more expensive than McDonald’s, so after I decided I liked it, I still rarely went. Until college. When they had one in Brady Commons and I could charge all the Whoppers my belly desired to my parents with my student charge card. Best thing ever.

But I never crave Burger King. There’s never a time when I have to have it. So, as good as the stuff is, it still only gets a high five with a manly ass slap.


WHITE CASTLE

The Crave Case gets a half handshake, half chest-bump hug. And honestly, I’ve never gotten anything else there, so I have no idea what it’s like. So, the Crave Case gets my highest rating, the rest of the place gets an incomplete.

And there may not be a better place than White Castle. The perfect-size mini burgers that satisfy your late night cravings, your drunken cravings, your “I have the munchies” cravings, and your “I want to stink up the bathroom something awful” cravings. I guess that’s why they say “It’s What You Crave.”


JACK IN THE BOX

I have eaten here one time, and that was enough. Let’s just say the meal didn’t sit well. But, if you do go, order the Tony D, which is 14 fried tacos, some fries, a coke, and anything else on the menu that has 30 grams of fat per serving.

Fone and fone.


HARDEES/Carl’s Jr.

A couple years ago Hardee's made a decision to go away from the same typical fast food fare that was very average to poor, and started to focus on their burgers. That’s when they invented Thickburgers. They’re made with real Angus meat, and are by far the BEST fast food burgers around. Honestly. They just kind of said, “Screw it, let’s make some big-ass burgers. I don’t care how many calories they are, I just want a big ol’ juicy piece of meat dripping with greasy goodness that will make people think they stepped into a burger joint, not a fast food hell hole.” And they did just that. The burgers are thick, juicy, and amazing and filling. Hardee's kind of flies under the radar. It’s the place you don’t usually think about, but when you go, you always say to yourself, “why don’t I come here more often?” And you really should.

I’ll give it a chest bump with a manly ass slap. Very underrated. Very satisfying. Very nearly perfect.


ARBY’S

Arby’s isn’t really worth 50 words to describe it, so I’ll keep it short. The curly fries are good, the beef ‘n’ cheddars are good, and there you have it. Really, the only time I go there is if they have the Pick 5 deal, where you get to choose five select menu items and it only costs $5.95. I usually get three beef ‘n’ cheddars and two orders of curly fries.

NOTE: (ADDED 10/19) - I forgot to mention that my buddy Pettit one time found a pubic hair in his beef and cheddar at an Arby's on his drive to Phoenix. Thought I should mention that. It also gave life to the phrase "I snacked on her beef and cheddar".

Handshake with a manly ass slap.


SUBWAY

Subway. Eat Ass™. That should be its tagline. Here’s the thing, Subway isn’t that good. For a long time it didn’t really have competition. There wasn’t another big rival sub chain out there. At least nothing on the scale of Subway. So, it was able to kind of dominate the market and take over. And that’s not to say that the place is awful, because it’s not. But it certainly isn’t good. If you’re looking for a sub, chances are you can find a better one (local sub shops are your best bet), but with Subway you know what you’re getting, so it’s a safe choice. Especially if you’re on the road or something. And I think that’s a plus.

So, I’ll give it a high five.

And this is coming from a guy who used to eat two foot-long subs for a meal back in college. I miss student charge.


QUIZNOS

I don’t like Quiznos. I’m not sure if it’s their food I don’t like, or their Baby Bob commercials, or their little singing rat commercials, or their prices. But, I do know that I’m not a big fan.

Look, if you want a sub, find a good local sub place rather than spend your money at Subway or Quiznos. Or, go to Jimmy Johns if you can find one. Or, drive down to St. Louis, take the Lindberg exit, and grab a sub at P’Sghetti’s. This place has the best subs, and mostly because they make the best bread in the world (and the best garlic cheese bread you’ll ever eat). I’m convinced that if they took their store nationally, Subway would be out of biz in a hurry.

Quiznos – Handshake
P’sghetti’s - Half handshake, half chest-bump hug


DEL TACO

I’ll be honest, I think Del Taco is severely underrated. Unfortunately, they really can’t be found everywhere, but I felt like I had to include them just so Taco Bell had some competition.

It’s been a while since I’ve been to one (there aren’t any in Chicago that I know of). When I do get the chance to go (and it’s usually at about 4 in the morning after a night of getting killed at the blackjack tables in Vegas or St. Louis) I’ll order up some of the Big Fat Tacos. That’s right, they have something on the menu called Big Fat Tacos. They might as well have called them Josh Kell’s. And I’ll usually add a jack cheese quesadilla. And some fries (their fries are surprisingly good).

The other thing the place has going for it is its name. You can substitute words for taco to create some new slang words:
- Del Scorcho - a reasonably hot female
- Del Bimbo – Paris Hilton
- Del Stiffo – an erection
- Del Sucko – any Rob Schneider movie
- Del Taco – a chick that is fat and no good for you, but late at night gets the job done, but you wake up feeling a little worse about yourself

And so on. You get the point.

I have no problem giving Del Taco a chest bump.


TACO BELL

You know, I’ll be in the minority here, but I’ve never been a big fan of Taco Bell. I mean they have a ton to choose from, and just about everyone I know loves the place, but for me, about the only thing I like there is the Grilled Stuft Burritos. Sure their chicken or steak soft tacos are OK, but on the whole, just not a big fan.

Taco Bell knew what it was doing back in the day by being the first place to stay open late for the people stumbling out of bars across the country, so it gets some bonus points for that.

That being said, I’ll give it a high five, but I don’t feel good about doing it.

Corosh

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



Restaurant: Corosh
Location: 1072 N. Milwaukee


I guess the easiest way for me to describe my experience at Corosh is “surprising”. I was surprised at the menu, at how good the food was, at the atmosphere, at the lounge upstairs, and at the fact that the place had a Golden Tee ’05.

According to the sign outside the building Corosh serves Italian food. So, I guess I wasn’t surprised that there was Italian food on the menu, but I was surprised at the amount of choices I had. Of course there were pasta dishes to choose from, but they also had entrees that included pork chops, steak, fish, and chicken. And since I’ve just described every menu in Chicago, maybe it wasn’t that surprising after all.

But, the food was fantastic. I had some four-cheese pasta dish with some chicken added to it. Now, the chicken was nothing to speak of, and a waste of five dollars, but the pasta was really good and nice and creamy. I was kind of hoping for a huge bowl of pasta, but it was just a small dish of it (which is good for me, since, like a dog, I’ll just keep eating no matter how much or how little is in front of me). I also got to try a couple of other dishes, thanks to the fact I had company with me, and that the pansies can’t finish a plate of food. I had a bite of the steak special. Yawzas. It was cooked in port wine and mushroom something-or-other. It was so soft and chewy and flavorful and tasty and satisfying and good. Then I had a couple of bites of the chicken, which was made in another kind of mushroom sauce, and was cooked perfectly and for sure better than my pasta. Let me just quickly add that I hate mushrooms, so for two of the dishes to be cooked with mushrooms and still be incredibly good and satisfying, well, that’s saying something.

The thing is, I’ve never heard anyone talk about Corosh. So, I just assumed it wasn’t that good, which is why I was so surprised at how good the food was.

Now, I feel compelled to mention what might be the best deal in Chicago. On Sundays they have an all you can eat brunch for $12. They have a buffet, but also have made-to-order eggs, French toast, and pancakes as part of the deal. Granted, I’ve never tasted the brunch, but based on how good the rest of the food was, I expect that it’s well worth the money. And if it isn’t, at least you’re not spending a fortune. DISCLAIMER: I’M A SUCKER FOR ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES THE WORDS “ALL YOU CAN EAT”. So take this paragraph with a grain of salt. Or a pinch of sugar.

Anyway, I also had the calamari for an appetizer. Just fine. Had a Caesar salad. Just fine. Also had a brownie sundae for desert. Just fine. Nothing special here, but nothing disappointing either.

I struggled a bit with the final rating. All the entrees I had should merit a chest bump pretty easily. But, the way I typically do the ratings isn’t just based on how the food tasted, it’s based on my crave factor. Are there times when I crave this restaurant? See, to get a perfect rating, or close to perfect, you have to be the kind of joint that I crave. And I don’t think this place is it, which is hard for me to say, because I really liked the food.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about a place he loves to eat in his neighborhood. I checked it out and thought it was just OK. But, he agreed with me. He said he loves to eat there not because the food is great or out of this world, but because the food is always going to be good and never disappoint.

So I think that is where I put Corosh. The place is solid. If you eat there, you’ll be happy you did. But, you won’t think to yourself too often, “Man, I gotta go eat at Corosh.”

And my rating for a place that is simply solid? Fist bump. A good, solid fist bump.

de cero

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



Restaurant: de cero
Location: 814 W Randolph



Now, when I was in high school I took Latin, the language that all languages are based on. Or something like that. So, I’m pretty sure that “de cero” is French for “the awesome”.

When I opened up the menu, I realized the place served tacos and margaritas and guacamole and stuff. So, it might not be French after all. But, it certainly is awesome.

Apparently they refer to themselves as a “modern day taqueria”, which, according to the bartender, means they are a Mexican restaurant. Who knew?

But that’s all beside the point. Let us get down to business. The food here is great. The drinks are good. The atmosphere can be hit or miss (and this mostly depends on the clientele). Service has been great, but it’s also been awful.

First time I went there, we ended up waiting 45 minutes for a table – and we had reservations. So, it was a little annoying. But, like I always say, free food is the fastest way to my heart, and they gave us free appetizers, so they were forgiven.

Speaking of apps, I’ve had the salsa and guacamole. Both are serviceable and get the job done. Nothing special here. But, get an order of the duck nachos or the chiles rellenos and you’ll soon be doing mini-hip thrusts under the table. What I’m saying is they’re good.

But, if you want to eat something that will make you lick your plate and possibly hump the table, go for the tacos.

Tacos? Yes, tacos. These aren’t the run for the border hard shell variety you’re used to. The menu has 14 taco choices, and each one has its own unique fillings and flavor. Each choice is one taco, so you get the chance to mix-and-match. My favorites are (in no particular order): battered shrimp, grilled skirt steak, tomatillo pork, chicken mole, chipotle chicken, ahi tuna, and tres queso. Yes, I just listed half of the taco menu.

I usually order four of the tacos. Seems to be the right amount. Gives you a little bit of variety, but also is enough to fill you up. Especially if you have apps. Or, like me, you eat two baskets of chips and salsa.

Now, word has it that the menu also has entrees. I have no idea what these are like. They could be great, they could be awful. You’re on your own if you order them. I love the tacos. I order the tacos. I eat the tacos.

Oh, I have also had the tamales. They work the same as the tacos, but there are only three choices. They were really good, but again, they had nothing on the tacos.

The drinks are good and usually strong. The clientele ranges from “hipsters” to suit-and-tie-look-how-important-I-am business types. The bartenders are great, when you can get their attention at the crowded bar. The servers are helpful, so don’t be afraid to ask for their advice. But, if they advise against the tacos, don’t trust them and ask to move tables.

The place gets an added bonus for being in the West Loop. When you’re done with dinner you can walk to another bar for a drink, or head across the street to the chocolate factory for dessert.

If you want to learn more you can visit them online at http://www.decerotaqueria.com/index.html.

Final review: Chest bump.

Tango Sur

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star


Restaurant: Tango Sur
Location: 3763 N Southport


Song: WHOA
Artist : BLACK KELL

( Verse 1 )

I had Tango Sur on Southport, it was whoa!
It’s got the best steak in town I mean whoa!
It’s an Argentinian steakhouse, I mean whoa!
Should've seen the size of cuts on these steaks, whoa!
Now money ain't a problem, low prices is like whoa!
The empanadas so good I’m like whoa!
They’re fried and juicy and perfect like whoa!
Prosciutto wrapped around melon, I'm like whoa!
They got steak stuffed with cheese like whoa!
Order beef for two and be full like whoa!
Coming home with a stuffed tummy like whoa!
Waiters running ‘round servin’ you like whoa!
More or less, more or so

( Chorus )
You just gotta go
I live the fat life, I don’t eat slow like whoa!
My tummy like mo’, need mo’
Just go, Tango, great food like whoa!

( Verse 2 )

Dessert right next door like whoa!
Dairy Queen blizzards on the north like whoa!
Or eat Cold Stone, just to the south like whoa!
I'm getting brain freeze from the ice cream like whoa!
It’s a BYOB drink for free like whoa!
See me drink glasses and glasses like whoa!
Be prepared to wait a while like whoa!
Sit on the curb and drink your wine like whoa!
Waits up to an hour on busy nights like whoa!
But the food is worth the wait like whoa!
Go out drinkin’ on Southport like whoa!
I'm on the go to the Tango, bite for bite like whoa!

( Chorus )
You just gotta go
I live the fat life, I don’t eat slow like whoa!
My tummy like mo’, need mo’
Just go, Tango, great food like whoa!


To recap: Great steak. Great food. Awful parody of a Black Rob song. Great atmosphere. Great prices. Vegetarians look elsewhere. Non-meat offerings are just so-so. BYOB. Long waits. Dairy Queen and Cold Stone nearby.

Easily a chest bump with a manly ass slap.