The Great Fast Food Debate

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



You know, I thought it would be a good waste of my time, and yours, if I rated my favorite fast food places to chow down at. Why? Well, I think you can tell a lot about a person by their fast food choices. Or not. I have no idea what I’m talking about. Anyway, here are my thoughts on the big name fast food chains.


MCDONALD’S

McD’s has been around forever. And for good reason. It’s good. The fries are good, the burgers are good, the Big Macs are great, the Sausage McMuffins with Egg is good, the McGriddles are good, the Monopoly game is good, Grimmmace is good, Super Sizing WAS good, and the prices are good.

Now, I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for the place because the big dog of McDonald’s, Ray Kroc, went to my high school back in the day.

McDonald’s has something for everyone. Hamburgers, chicken, processed chicken, fries, shakes, salads, yogurt, soda, apple pies, cookies, cheeseburgers, double cheeseburgers, the Big ‘N’ Nasty, and poor service. Plus, they do a great job of offering seasonal items, like the McRib and the shamrock shake and the McBratwurst (and if you eat this, prepare to be not well for the 4-6 hours following consumption).

PLUS, McDonald’s invented the value meal, and Super Sizes, and fatness. These all get them big bonus points from me.

When I had the metabolism of an 18 year old, I used to order a Super Sized #1 and a large #2 as a meal. That’s a Big Mac, two cheeseburgers, a Super Size fry, a large fry, a Super Size Coke (Dr. Pepper if I was lucky), and a large Coke. And that was one meal. Then, as I got older and started watching my weight, I dialed it back a notch and just got a Super Size #1 and two cheeseburgers.

When it comes down to it, I think I’d have to say that Mickey D’s is my favorite fast food haunt. It’s got a lot to choose from, great prices (except in downtown Chicago. Quick side note here; you used to be able to order two value meals for under $6, now it’s almost $5 for one value meal. Sad.), and the food is usually pretty consistent from place to place.

Overall, it gets a chest bump. But realize, that’s a fast food rating. Compared to real restaurants it would be more like a handshake. For my stomachs sake, I try to only eat here about 6 times a week.


WENDY’S

I used to think that Wendy’s had the absolute best burgers around. I used to order like 4 or 5 double stacks every time, back when they were 99 cents. Plus fries and a soda. But then one day a friend and I both got food poisoning on the same day from Wendy’s burgers. I spent 48 hours ridding my body of everything it had from every hole available. Needless to say it wasn’t pleasant. And I haven’t been to a Wendy’s since. Too bad, really.

Pre food poisoning – chest bump with manly ass slap
Post food poisoning – fone and fone


BURGER KING

I never was a big fan of Burger King growing up. I used to be the pickiest eater. My mom always jokes that all I ever ate as a kid was hot dogs, pizza, and mac ‘n’ cheese. And you know what, she’s right. So, Burger King’s big thing was the Whopper, and it had onions and tomatoes and lettuce and other stuff that scared me. Realize that when I ordered a hot dog I would get it with ketchup only. So, a burger like the Whopper made me fear Burger King. Seriously, I refused to eat there. Then, when I was in high school, we were driving to Atlanta for the Olympics, and we had to stop and eat. The only place around was a Burger King, so I was forced to eat there. Now, I’ve been prone to throw a hissy fit a time or two, and this was one of those times. But, I had no choice. So, I ordered a Whopper, sans the tomatoes (I didn’t even know you could do that). And it was the best. In fact, I might say it’s better than a Big Mac. Maybe. Then I discovered they also had onion rings, which I doubt are made with real onions, but are fried, so who cares? They taste good. Then I got into the BK Broiler, which was a chicken sandwich that had some honey mustard or something. It was the whip. Now, my one problem with Burger King was always the price. It was more expensive than McDonald’s, so after I decided I liked it, I still rarely went. Until college. When they had one in Brady Commons and I could charge all the Whoppers my belly desired to my parents with my student charge card. Best thing ever.

But I never crave Burger King. There’s never a time when I have to have it. So, as good as the stuff is, it still only gets a high five with a manly ass slap.


WHITE CASTLE

The Crave Case gets a half handshake, half chest-bump hug. And honestly, I’ve never gotten anything else there, so I have no idea what it’s like. So, the Crave Case gets my highest rating, the rest of the place gets an incomplete.

And there may not be a better place than White Castle. The perfect-size mini burgers that satisfy your late night cravings, your drunken cravings, your “I have the munchies” cravings, and your “I want to stink up the bathroom something awful” cravings. I guess that’s why they say “It’s What You Crave.”


JACK IN THE BOX

I have eaten here one time, and that was enough. Let’s just say the meal didn’t sit well. But, if you do go, order the Tony D, which is 14 fried tacos, some fries, a coke, and anything else on the menu that has 30 grams of fat per serving.

Fone and fone.


HARDEES/Carl’s Jr.

A couple years ago Hardee's made a decision to go away from the same typical fast food fare that was very average to poor, and started to focus on their burgers. That’s when they invented Thickburgers. They’re made with real Angus meat, and are by far the BEST fast food burgers around. Honestly. They just kind of said, “Screw it, let’s make some big-ass burgers. I don’t care how many calories they are, I just want a big ol’ juicy piece of meat dripping with greasy goodness that will make people think they stepped into a burger joint, not a fast food hell hole.” And they did just that. The burgers are thick, juicy, and amazing and filling. Hardee's kind of flies under the radar. It’s the place you don’t usually think about, but when you go, you always say to yourself, “why don’t I come here more often?” And you really should.

I’ll give it a chest bump with a manly ass slap. Very underrated. Very satisfying. Very nearly perfect.


ARBY’S

Arby’s isn’t really worth 50 words to describe it, so I’ll keep it short. The curly fries are good, the beef ‘n’ cheddars are good, and there you have it. Really, the only time I go there is if they have the Pick 5 deal, where you get to choose five select menu items and it only costs $5.95. I usually get three beef ‘n’ cheddars and two orders of curly fries.

NOTE: (ADDED 10/19) - I forgot to mention that my buddy Pettit one time found a pubic hair in his beef and cheddar at an Arby's on his drive to Phoenix. Thought I should mention that. It also gave life to the phrase "I snacked on her beef and cheddar".

Handshake with a manly ass slap.


SUBWAY

Subway. Eat Ass™. That should be its tagline. Here’s the thing, Subway isn’t that good. For a long time it didn’t really have competition. There wasn’t another big rival sub chain out there. At least nothing on the scale of Subway. So, it was able to kind of dominate the market and take over. And that’s not to say that the place is awful, because it’s not. But it certainly isn’t good. If you’re looking for a sub, chances are you can find a better one (local sub shops are your best bet), but with Subway you know what you’re getting, so it’s a safe choice. Especially if you’re on the road or something. And I think that’s a plus.

So, I’ll give it a high five.

And this is coming from a guy who used to eat two foot-long subs for a meal back in college. I miss student charge.


QUIZNOS

I don’t like Quiznos. I’m not sure if it’s their food I don’t like, or their Baby Bob commercials, or their little singing rat commercials, or their prices. But, I do know that I’m not a big fan.

Look, if you want a sub, find a good local sub place rather than spend your money at Subway or Quiznos. Or, go to Jimmy Johns if you can find one. Or, drive down to St. Louis, take the Lindberg exit, and grab a sub at P’Sghetti’s. This place has the best subs, and mostly because they make the best bread in the world (and the best garlic cheese bread you’ll ever eat). I’m convinced that if they took their store nationally, Subway would be out of biz in a hurry.

Quiznos – Handshake
P’sghetti’s - Half handshake, half chest-bump hug


DEL TACO

I’ll be honest, I think Del Taco is severely underrated. Unfortunately, they really can’t be found everywhere, but I felt like I had to include them just so Taco Bell had some competition.

It’s been a while since I’ve been to one (there aren’t any in Chicago that I know of). When I do get the chance to go (and it’s usually at about 4 in the morning after a night of getting killed at the blackjack tables in Vegas or St. Louis) I’ll order up some of the Big Fat Tacos. That’s right, they have something on the menu called Big Fat Tacos. They might as well have called them Josh Kell’s. And I’ll usually add a jack cheese quesadilla. And some fries (their fries are surprisingly good).

The other thing the place has going for it is its name. You can substitute words for taco to create some new slang words:
- Del Scorcho - a reasonably hot female
- Del Bimbo – Paris Hilton
- Del Stiffo – an erection
- Del Sucko – any Rob Schneider movie
- Del Taco – a chick that is fat and no good for you, but late at night gets the job done, but you wake up feeling a little worse about yourself

And so on. You get the point.

I have no problem giving Del Taco a chest bump.


TACO BELL

You know, I’ll be in the minority here, but I’ve never been a big fan of Taco Bell. I mean they have a ton to choose from, and just about everyone I know loves the place, but for me, about the only thing I like there is the Grilled Stuft Burritos. Sure their chicken or steak soft tacos are OK, but on the whole, just not a big fan.

Taco Bell knew what it was doing back in the day by being the first place to stay open late for the people stumbling out of bars across the country, so it gets some bonus points for that.

That being said, I’ll give it a high five, but I don’t feel good about doing it.