Quartino

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Quartino
Location: 626 N. State St.


Maybe it’s because I was the middle child. Maybe it’s because I had a brother who was only a year younger. Maybe it’s because I’m a selfish bastard. But the fact remains – I hate sharing. When I was a kid my brother and I refused to share toys. On Christmas or a birthday, after we opened our gifts, if he tried to play with my toy or vice versa, there was bound to be a Battle Royal, where I was Andre the Giant and he was Jimmy Snuka. Unfortunately our mother was Hulk Hogan and would eventually beat us both down. Then she would play with our toys.

So why do I keep going to these restaurants that “encourage” you to order a bunch of plates and share the food? Because my wife makes me. And I’m OK with that.

So, we went and checked out one of the newest hot spots located in River North – Quartino. The Q (I encourage everyone to start calling it this) isn’t really a tapas restaurant, but more of a family-style Italian restaurant. It’s one of those places where you can order a plate for yourself (if you’re a selfish prick), or order a plate and everyone at the table can have a taste. In fact, this is encouraged. By “encouraged”, I mean the waitress said, “You CAN order plates for yourself, but you really should just order a bunch of stuff and share it. Think of it as wife swapping, but with food.” She sold me.

You may be asking yourself, (I seriously doubt it, but who knows?) “What does Quartino mean?” Well, it’s a carafe that holds a quarter of a liter of wine. And I have nothing else to say about that.

To start off dinner, we (me, my wife, Matt, and Allison) ordered some wine. The girls ordered some red wine, but Matt and I opted for something lighter. The waitress recommended the Harry’s American Bar Classic, which was a sparkling wine with white peach puree. She said it tasted like summer. I asked her if she meant Summer Sanders. Needless to say, she didn’t laugh. Regardless, we ordered it. When it came, it wasn’t quite what we were expecting. I think we both thought it was a sparkling wine with like a peach infusion or something. But, it was just a Mimosa with peach juice instead of orange juice. I guess I should have known. The drink was located in the Bellini section, which roughly translates to “cute”. Of course I got a “D” in Italian, so it could mean something entirely different. The point is Matt and I looked like a couple of Nelly’s sharing a carafe of this stuff. Then again, I’m the same guy who cries during Armageddon, so maybe the drink is fitting. The only thing missing was a tiny umbrella.

Before you even get to the big menu, they hand you a little menu of meats and cheeses. You order it the same way you do sushi at some places, where you just mark the meat(s) or cheese(s) you want, along with the QTY (that means quantity). Then they bring out a tray filled with the stuffed you marked. It was all very good, but the one that stuck out in my head was the duck prosciutto. Get it. I insist.

Now came the hard part – ordering dinner. Again, when you’re food swapping, it’s not just about what you want. You have to consider what everyone else wants. Because if you’re the only one who wants a steak (for example) you can’t really get it because you look selfish and you’re “wasting” that plate of food because it’s something that isn’t being shared. And you wonder why I hate tapas-style restaurants.

So, here’s what we got:

Ravioli ($7): It was filled with braised pork, speck, and fava beans. I think this was the winner of the night. A terrific dish. I couldn’t get enough of it. Literally. Again, I hate sharing food.

Polenta Fries ($6): They were fried. What more do I have to say? I’d get them again.

Veal Meatballs ($6): I said “balls”. Anyway, these were great. Matt and I had a mini fight over who got to finish them off. I lost. But I was distracted by the…

Braised Lamb Shank ($12): Not as good as the meatballs, but the meat just fell off the bone. Always a good sign.

Margherita Pizza ($10): Surprisingly good. But then again, they call themselves a “Ristorante. Pizzeria. Wine Bar.” so I shouldn’t be that surprised. It was so good, in fact, that I almost ordered another one. But then my wife gave me “that look”.

I felt full at this point, and I’m not sure why, since we didn’t order that much food. Oh, wait; I ate three loaves of bread before we ever ordered. Maybe that’s why.

But, that didn’t stop me from ordering dessert. And I’m glad I did. Then again, have I ever complained about a dessert? Keep that in mind. We got the banana split ice cream sundae thing, and the Nutella Panino. I was just on the website, and they don’t have the banana thing anymore, but now have an apple thing. The banana thing was good, and the apple thing looks like the same thing except with apples instead of bananas. So, maybe I actually just got the apple thing but forgot. You know what? I did get the apple thing. There was no banana thing. Who cares? Either way it was good. You’ll be happy. But it doesn’t really matter, because the Nutella Panino was where it’s at. I would honestly consider ordering this as part of my meal next time, and not wait until dessert. But I’m fat.

But the best part of the night? My wife decided to “name drop” to the waitress, letting her know that I write a restaurant review blog that “tons” of people read. “Born to Fork. Maybe you’ve heard of it?” (Shockingly, she hadn’t.) So, the waitress (I think her name was Awesome) brought out a Sgroppino, free of charge. Sgroppino is lemon gelato, lemon vodka, and prosecco. It really wasn’t that great, but it was free, so I drank/ate the whole thing by myself. The problem with it was that it was a little too strong. It was basically a milkshake with alcohol. It would have been much better as gelato with a hint of booze, instead of booze with a hint of gelato. But it was free. Don’t know if I told you that yet.

Before I give a final rating, I just want to apologize for the amount of “quotes” used in this review. I was trying to set some sort of record, and I think I did. Without further ado:

I keep going back and forth between a fist bump with a manly ass slap to a solid chest bump, so let’s just call it somewhere in between there. I think Matt put it best when he said, “I definitely would come back here, if it weren’t for the thousand other places in the city I want to try.”


Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

Spiaggia

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars




Restaurant: Spiaggia
Location: 980 N. Michigan Ave.


“Spiaggia don’t lie.”

So Geoff and I are sitting down, eating our dinner, and we’ve both been a little over served. After about two bites of his entrée, he turns to me and slurs, “I want to scribe the first line of your review.” Then he took a dramatic pause. “Spiaggia don’t lie. Spiaggia don’t lie.” He makes a good point. Spiaggia don’t lie.

I know what you’re asking yourself. Why in the hell were you and Geoff eating dinner together at Spiaggia? It’s not exactly the kind of place you and a friend go to and grab a bite to eat. Well, friends of ours from high school got married, and the reception was at Spiaggia. Now, my wife couldn’t attend because of a prior commitment, and Geoff’s wife couldn’t attend because he isn’t married or dating anybody. So, we went together. Which worked out great because they had an open bar and Geoff’s been known to put out after he’s had one-to-many. And I was in luck, because he had about nine-to-many.

The wedding was a beautiful Catholic wedding that only lasted about thirty minutes. Most Catholic weddings are a full service, lasting at least an hour. So anytime a Catholic wedding is only thirty minutes it becomes a beautiful Catholic wedding. After the wedding we drove down to Geoff’s place, which is around Grand and Ogden. We had an hour to kill before the reception started, and it was nice out, so we thought it would be a good idea to walk to Spiaggia from there. He didn’t really look at the invite, so he had no idea where it was, and I was convinced that it was on the 600 block of N. Michigan. So we figured we’d hustle straight down Grand, cut over to Ohio, and be there in plenty of time. The walk was nice. We talked. We laughed. We made every girl we saw feel so uncomfortable she would cross the street to avoid us. It was great. So, we hit Michigan Ave., looked around, and had no idea where this place was. We walked around for a couple of blocks, calling everyone we know and asking doormen and people on the street where the place was. Nobody had a clue. Finally I walked into the Coach store and pleasantly approached a couple of the ladies working there. “Do either of you know where Spiaggia is?” The first girl looked blank. Never heard of it. The second girl looked annoyed, “You mean Spagga?” correcting my pronunciation as she rolled her eyes. “Yeah, it’s down at 900 N. Michigan,” she said and turned to walk away. Thanks for the help. And by the way, bitch, it’s Spiaggia where I come from.

OK, so now we’re at the reception, drinks are flowing, I’m catching up with old friends, all is well. Then we see someone walking around with an appetizer tray, and I get a little excited. Then I see the tray. It’s filled with spoons, and each spoon has a tiny appetizer on it. Now I’m nervous that I’m gonna have to go to McDonald’s after dinner just so I don’t starve to death. I take the spoon, which has a small piece of artichoke on it, and devour it. Great. Eventually another tray comes around with more spoons, but these have prosciutto. Also great. Looking back it was genius. Just a tiny, tiny sample that whet my appetite and left me wanting more. Brilliant.

So we sit down for dinner and toast the happy couple with a glass of champagne. Just then our buddy Andres, aka Ronnie Physical, comes running over and puts everything in perspective for us. “I had no idea how nice this place was. They got white people serving the water.”

For starters we all got the Mozzarella di bufala con pomodori, cipolle, e pepperoni. Which is Italian for good-ass salad. And not the kind of good-ass salad you get in prison. This was basically a caprese salad with buffalo mozzarella, drizzled with olive oil and accented with a couple of vegetables. It was fantastic.

Next was the Ravioletti di formagella, which was ravioli filled with goat cheese and covered with a sauce that had a strong olive taste. I don’t really like olives, and the sauce was heavy on the olive flavoring. But even so, it was still really good, it just wouldn’t have been my first choice. And if I go back I probably wouldn’t get it again, but that’s just me.

And now came the entrée. I went with the fish. Normally at a wedding I go with the meat, because the fish is almost always salmon, and I don’t like salmon. But the fish tonight was Swordfish (Pesce spada alla costa assura to be exact) and I couldn’t pass it up. And I’m glad I didn’t. While the steak looked great, the fish was the perfect dish. Great flavor to it and perfectly cooked. My fork effortlessly cut through the large portion and tore off each piece. And I love the way fish can fill you up but doesn’t sit heavy in your stomach, which is good when you’ve had three drinks and are on your fifth glass of wine and your date for the night keeps putting his hand on your knee (not that I was complaining).

After dinner I noticed Ronnie Physical holding two cups of some fancy coffee. I went over and discovered that out in the lobby area they had a guy making espresso drinks. So, I strolled out there and got Geoff and me a couple of cappuccinos. When I brought it back to the table Geoff lit up. I’m no coffee expert. I brew it every morning, I know I like it strong, and I know I like Intelligentsia. But that’s about as much as I know. Geoff, on the other hand, is a bit of a coffee expert. Well, espresso really. And after one sip he turned to me and said, “Wow, this is perfect.” So that means they know what they’re doing. Then he touched my knee again. This was going well.

Dessert came and was a chocolate multi-layer cake served with a small side of ice cream. Guess what? It was also great. It was also at this time that Mr. M, (Two Moons Mathismo’s dad) was talking to our buddy Cornell who lives in New York. Cornell was inviting him out to visit, and Mr. Mathis responded by saying, “I know, I know. But I got to figure out what to do with my wife. You know you don’t bring sand to the beach.” Maybe it was the 1.3 blood alcohol level, but I couldn’t stop laughing.

As dinner wound down the music wound up, which allowed Geoff to do some Crip Walking and me to drop the Skateboard on fools. And that was that. Geoff and I danced the night away to the sounds of Stevie Wonder, Bel Biv Devoe, Bobby Brown, and more. We stumbled out of there at 1 a.m., but rumor has it the rest of the crowd danced until 3, as the staff stood there crossing there arms and hoping the night would be over sooner than later.

Just a great night overall. There’s nothing better than catching up with friends you don’t get to see often enough. And there’s also nothing better than Geoff’s goodnight kiss, which is the perfect blend between passion and compassion. Thanks Geoff.

Spiaggia was great. And if the wedding menu we were served is this good, I can only imagine how good the full menu is in the dinning room. But, until I actually eat in the actual restaurant, I can only give Spiaggia a chest bump with a manly ass slap. But I’m sure it would get a perfect score on my next visit. Stay tuned.



Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

Mambo Grill

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Mambo Grill
Location: 412 N. Clark


The first time I went to Mambo Grill was several years ago when I was in town visiting some friends. My buddy Brian and his then girlfriend (now wife) took my wife and me there. Everything seemed fine on the surface. When the waiter came and took our drink order, I wanted something “authentic” and “different”. He recommended the Micheladas. The Iced Spicy Beer. Sounded interesting. I was a tad reluctant, but he talked me into it. Why was I reluctant? Well, here is what the drink is made of. First, they take the Latin beer of your choice, then pour it over ice (is beer EVER good over ice?). Then, it is garnished with a lime (seems innocent enough). Now, here is where it gets a little scary. The drink is then served with a dash of Cholula hot sauce. Not sure this is what I want in my beer, but then again, I like spicy stuff, so I’m game. But it didn’t end there. The last ingredient is a “dash” of Worchestire sauce. There’s an old saying that goes “The camel toe that broke the vaginas back”, or something like that. Well, the Worchestire was the camel toe. The drink tasted like dirt. I could barely get through three sips. I was miserable.

And the reason I bring this up is because I remember nothing else about this dinner. I have no idea what I ate, if I liked it, if anyone else liked it (though I’m assuming Brian and Courtney did, since they chose the place), all I knew was that I never wanted to go back. And I didn’t. Even when I moved back here a couple of years ago, I refused to go (not that I had a whole lot of offers). But, I work not too far from the place, and a couple of weekends ago we ended up having to work on a Saturday (which is about as much fun as getting kicked in the shins by a 9-year-old girl wearing steel-toed boots), and we decided to grab dinner and continue working. We chose Mambo Grill because it was close by, and no one had any better ideas. It proved to be a wise decision.

Now, for those who don’t know, Mambo Grill is a restaurant that specializes in “authentic Latin food”. And for those who really don’t know, that’s not Latin as in “ad hoc” or “habeas corpus” or “facere amor ad tu volo”, but Latin as in Latin America. So, a mix of Cuban and Brazilian and other countries south of our border.

It had been long enough since my first visit that I was able to clear my memory and give it another shot. When the waitress came by and took our drink order, I didn’t make the same mistake twice. I went with the Mojito, which was delicious. In fact, everyone loved their drinks. Even my boss was happy, and he is very particular about how his drink is made (Grey Goose gimlet, extra cold, served up).

For starters, we ordered the guacamole and some chicken taquitos. Both great choices. The guacamole was fantastic. Super fresh. And the presentation of the chip basket was surprisingly nice. Not that it matters, but I noticed. Along with the quac came some pico de gallo. Now, most pico de gallos taste pretty much the same, but for some reason this one stood out. By the time we devoured all the chips it was a debate as to which was better – the guacamole or the pico de gallo. The winner? Us, since we got to eat them both. And the taquitos were pretty tasty as well. The plate is big enough for 4. And if you’re expecting taquitos like the ones you buy in a box of 100 at Sam’s Club or Cost Co. for five bucks (also known as the “Larry” or the “Dru”), prepare yourself. This is just one giant taquito (or taquitos, I have no idea if you need the “s” or if it makes it plural or what. I really need to take a Spanish class). And it’s tasty.

Total sidebar here. Go to taquitos.net. I just stumbled on this the other day. They review snack and stuff. So far they’ve reviewed over 3,000 snacks. I’m impressed (and that’s saying something). My only complaint is they have yet to try Matt’s Chocolate Chip Cookies – easily the best cookies available on the market (but not sold everywhere).

And we’re back. For dinner I ordered the “Pollo con salsa de coco y limon”, which, in English, means “Chicken that is pretty good but you should probably order something else on the menu.” It’s actually a slow roasted half chicken served on rice. And it’s not that it’s bad, it’s just that the other entrees at the table looked so good (and it’s also a record for the use of the word “it’s” in one sentence). Part of the problem is that it was a half chicken with bones and stuff, so you really had to work to get all the meat. I don’t like working, especially on a Saturday. And when I am working on a Saturday, I really don’t like to have to work on my dinner. I just want to cut a piece, then eat. Cut, then eat. And if I can even avoid the whole cutting thing and just eat, even better.

But, all things aside, I was glad I finally ventured back to Mambo Grill. It’s a solid choice. Not necessarily worth going out of your way for, but definitely will be added into the rotation of places to go for lunch or after work.

I’m torn between a high five with a manly ass slap and a fist bump. I’m gonna go with the high five with a manly ass slap, only because, while it’s good, it’s also not the kind of place that I’ll ever crave or even suggest we go.



Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.

Shaw's Crab House

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Shaw’s Crab House
Locations: 21 E. Hubbard


There are people out there who are “in”. They know about the secret little bars that don’t have any signage. They know the secret knock that gets you in an exclusive after party. Like Rubin, they know the secret handshake that gets four white guys into an all-black fraternity. I’m not one of these people. I can’t just walk to the back entry of a bar like Trent, enter through the kitchen, then plop down for the night at a table marked “reserved”.

But I do know one secret, and it involves Shaw’s Crab House. I know what you’re thinking, what could possibly be a secret with Shaw’s? It’s a Lettuce Entertain You restaurant. Just another cleverly themed place with good food, isn’t it? Well, yes. But, Shaw’s has a hidden gem that almost no one knows about. Garlic butter.

Now, the garlic butter isn’t a complete secret. It’s served with some of the dishes on the menu. But, it’s how you use it that’s the secret. The first time the server comes by and asks what you want to drink and brings you a basket of bread and butter, ask her for a side of garlic butter and some extra bread. Trust me. You’ll soon discover that the garlic butter isn’t the spreadable kind you’re used to. It’s melted, so you can’t dip a knife in it. What you do is you grab a piece of bread and use the butter as a dip. I’ve gone through two baskets of bread at one sitting. The first time I discovered it I asked the waitress if I could buy some to go. The manager told me no, that it would be a violation of the health code or something. Stupid health codes. And I’m not kidding when I say you could honestly make an entire meal out of dipping a couple of baskets of bread in the garlic butter. The waitress will hate you, but what do you care?

But there is more to Shaw’s. First, you have to understand that there are two places to eat – the snooty dining room or the oyster bar. I’ve never eaten in the dining room. I’m sure it’s terrific. According the website there are more than 40 fresh seafood entrees on the menu in the dining room. And they’re probably all good. But the dining room isn’t my style. I like the atmosphere of the oyster bar (sure it’s like a mini theme park with the way it’s designed, but I love theme parks. And water parks. And wet t-shirt contests.) along with the simpler menu. Choosing between 40 seafood dishes makes my head explode. At the oyster bar, I’m basically choosing between 8 or so seafood dishes (or choosing all 8, depending how hungry I am).

Start off your meal with the buffalo shrimp. Fantastic dish. It’s just like eating chicken wings, except you’re eating shrimp instead of chicken. Rule of thumb is get one order for two people. Or two orders for one Josh.

As far as entrees go, there are usually three I pick from. The first is the tuna tacos. Small chunks of tuna are grilled, and then served in three corn tortillas. The key to making these tacos go from good to great is the way you dress them. Step one, take the cilantro that comes with them and make sure you put an equal amount on each taco. Then use the salsa to do the same. The last step is the lime. Squeeze one of the pieces of lime and squirt it’s juice all over the tuna taco (sorry, couldn’t resist). Probably my default dish when I go there (introduced to me by my boss, who gets his tuna cooked all the way through).

The second is the fish and chips. One of the best I’ve ever had. The fish (which I believe is cod) is beer battered then fried. The best onion rings are beer battered. The beer batter creates this great flaky but tasty fried coating. When you get them with onion rings, it makes all the difference. And this is the first place where I’ve had it with the fish and chips (maybe I should get out more) and it makes all the difference here as well. The fries are just OK. Nothing out of the ordinary. Oh, and if you think because you’re getting fish you’re eating healthy, you’re not. The beer-battered fried fish makes you feel like you’ve just eaten a basket of onion rings and fills you up like nobody’s business. If you’re looking for lighter fare, go with the tuna tacos. Then again, if you’re looking for lighter fare you might also want to stay away from the garlic butter and the two loaves of bread you’ll eat with it.

The third entrée I usually go with is the fish sandwich. It’s like a much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much better Filet-O-Fish from McDonalds. Similar to the fish and chips it will fill you up. Wait, you know what? I think I’m wrong. I’m not sure any of these dishes actually fill you up. I usually have just eaten a loaf of bread and a bowl of garlic butter. Maybe that’s why I always feel full.

Oh, Shaw’s also has the best after-dinner mints. If they are out of them when you go, it’s because I’ve just eaten there. They have a bowl of these mints at the host stand as you leave, and I usually dump the whole thing into my pocket. Or my mouth. So if they’re out, you know why.

I’m gonna give Shaw’s a fist bump with a manly ass slap. Great place to go for lunch if you work nearby, or even for a happy hour dinner right after work.



Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.