Quartino

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Quartino
Location: 626 N. State St.


Maybe it’s because I was the middle child. Maybe it’s because I had a brother who was only a year younger. Maybe it’s because I’m a selfish bastard. But the fact remains – I hate sharing. When I was a kid my brother and I refused to share toys. On Christmas or a birthday, after we opened our gifts, if he tried to play with my toy or vice versa, there was bound to be a Battle Royal, where I was Andre the Giant and he was Jimmy Snuka. Unfortunately our mother was Hulk Hogan and would eventually beat us both down. Then she would play with our toys.

So why do I keep going to these restaurants that “encourage” you to order a bunch of plates and share the food? Because my wife makes me. And I’m OK with that.

So, we went and checked out one of the newest hot spots located in River North – Quartino. The Q (I encourage everyone to start calling it this) isn’t really a tapas restaurant, but more of a family-style Italian restaurant. It’s one of those places where you can order a plate for yourself (if you’re a selfish prick), or order a plate and everyone at the table can have a taste. In fact, this is encouraged. By “encouraged”, I mean the waitress said, “You CAN order plates for yourself, but you really should just order a bunch of stuff and share it. Think of it as wife swapping, but with food.” She sold me.

You may be asking yourself, (I seriously doubt it, but who knows?) “What does Quartino mean?” Well, it’s a carafe that holds a quarter of a liter of wine. And I have nothing else to say about that.

To start off dinner, we (me, my wife, Matt, and Allison) ordered some wine. The girls ordered some red wine, but Matt and I opted for something lighter. The waitress recommended the Harry’s American Bar Classic, which was a sparkling wine with white peach puree. She said it tasted like summer. I asked her if she meant Summer Sanders. Needless to say, she didn’t laugh. Regardless, we ordered it. When it came, it wasn’t quite what we were expecting. I think we both thought it was a sparkling wine with like a peach infusion or something. But, it was just a Mimosa with peach juice instead of orange juice. I guess I should have known. The drink was located in the Bellini section, which roughly translates to “cute”. Of course I got a “D” in Italian, so it could mean something entirely different. The point is Matt and I looked like a couple of Nelly’s sharing a carafe of this stuff. Then again, I’m the same guy who cries during Armageddon, so maybe the drink is fitting. The only thing missing was a tiny umbrella.

Before you even get to the big menu, they hand you a little menu of meats and cheeses. You order it the same way you do sushi at some places, where you just mark the meat(s) or cheese(s) you want, along with the QTY (that means quantity). Then they bring out a tray filled with the stuffed you marked. It was all very good, but the one that stuck out in my head was the duck prosciutto. Get it. I insist.

Now came the hard part – ordering dinner. Again, when you’re food swapping, it’s not just about what you want. You have to consider what everyone else wants. Because if you’re the only one who wants a steak (for example) you can’t really get it because you look selfish and you’re “wasting” that plate of food because it’s something that isn’t being shared. And you wonder why I hate tapas-style restaurants.

So, here’s what we got:

Ravioli ($7): It was filled with braised pork, speck, and fava beans. I think this was the winner of the night. A terrific dish. I couldn’t get enough of it. Literally. Again, I hate sharing food.

Polenta Fries ($6): They were fried. What more do I have to say? I’d get them again.

Veal Meatballs ($6): I said “balls”. Anyway, these were great. Matt and I had a mini fight over who got to finish them off. I lost. But I was distracted by the…

Braised Lamb Shank ($12): Not as good as the meatballs, but the meat just fell off the bone. Always a good sign.

Margherita Pizza ($10): Surprisingly good. But then again, they call themselves a “Ristorante. Pizzeria. Wine Bar.” so I shouldn’t be that surprised. It was so good, in fact, that I almost ordered another one. But then my wife gave me “that look”.

I felt full at this point, and I’m not sure why, since we didn’t order that much food. Oh, wait; I ate three loaves of bread before we ever ordered. Maybe that’s why.

But, that didn’t stop me from ordering dessert. And I’m glad I did. Then again, have I ever complained about a dessert? Keep that in mind. We got the banana split ice cream sundae thing, and the Nutella Panino. I was just on the website, and they don’t have the banana thing anymore, but now have an apple thing. The banana thing was good, and the apple thing looks like the same thing except with apples instead of bananas. So, maybe I actually just got the apple thing but forgot. You know what? I did get the apple thing. There was no banana thing. Who cares? Either way it was good. You’ll be happy. But it doesn’t really matter, because the Nutella Panino was where it’s at. I would honestly consider ordering this as part of my meal next time, and not wait until dessert. But I’m fat.

But the best part of the night? My wife decided to “name drop” to the waitress, letting her know that I write a restaurant review blog that “tons” of people read. “Born to Fork. Maybe you’ve heard of it?” (Shockingly, she hadn’t.) So, the waitress (I think her name was Awesome) brought out a Sgroppino, free of charge. Sgroppino is lemon gelato, lemon vodka, and prosecco. It really wasn’t that great, but it was free, so I drank/ate the whole thing by myself. The problem with it was that it was a little too strong. It was basically a milkshake with alcohol. It would have been much better as gelato with a hint of booze, instead of booze with a hint of gelato. But it was free. Don’t know if I told you that yet.

Before I give a final rating, I just want to apologize for the amount of “quotes” used in this review. I was trying to set some sort of record, and I think I did. Without further ado:

I keep going back and forth between a fist bump with a manly ass slap to a solid chest bump, so let’s just call it somewhere in between there. I think Matt put it best when he said, “I definitely would come back here, if it weren’t for the thousand other places in the city I want to try.”


Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.