Who's Now - San Fran vs. St. Louis

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



We’re going to answer the most definitive question of our generation: Who’s NOW: St. Louis vs. San Francisco.


(Yes, I realize this joke is about a month too late, but I just had a kid (OK, I didn’t have the kid, my wife did, but I was there) so it took me a little longer than it should have to post this.)


The Case for St. Louis

It’s St. Louis, so you don’t have to travel far to find a strip mall filled with Outback, Ruby Tuesday, Applebee’s, and other crappy chain restaurants (although I actually do like Outback, but that’s beside the point). Last time I was down there we were out in Chesterfield playing some dodgeball at Sky Zone. Sky Zone is a place where they just have fields of trampolines. So a game of dodgeball involves jumping around on a bunch of trampolines and throwing stuff at people. You haven’t lived until you’ve played it. You also haven’t felt extremely old until you’ve played it. After 15 minutes I thought I was going to pass out. After 20 I thought I was going to puke. At the 25 minute mark I got pegged in the family jewels and almost did puke. By the end I think I lost about 30 lbs and tore roughly 14 ligaments. I couldn’t have been happier. Well, Sky Zone is located in a strip mall. A strip mall in Chesterfield, MO, no less. What’s that mean? Well, let me give you a rundown of restaurant options: Applebee’s, Bob Evans, Fox & Hound, LongHorn, IHOP, O’Charley’s, Olive Garden, Qdoba, Red Lobster, Red Robin, Joe’s Crab Shack, and you get the idea. It was like a smorgasborg of crappy restaurants. Well, when in Rome (or, unfortunately, Chesterfield). We decided on Applebee’s for a quick bite and some cold beer. Here’s the good news – the beer was cold (I know for sure, because my label turned blue). Here’s the bad news – the food. I haven’t been to an Applebee’s in a very, very long time. For some reason in college I remember liking it. But looking back, I think it was because in college I considered it a “nice” restaurant that I could afford. Oh how naïve I was. Now, I know better. At least I like to think I do. We had the con queso, which was OK, but how can you really screw up melted cheese? We also ordered a couple of quesadillas for the table, which were pretty awful. Let’s put it this way, I had a slice, and when offered another slice, I passed. Have you ever heard of me passing on seconds? Exactly. I also got the chicken Caesar salad (I’ll admit, a boring choice on my part, so I’ll take some of the blame) which was awful. The chicken was horrible. Very dry with no flavor. It tasted like it was pre-made and poured out of a bag. Probably because it was pre-made and poured out of a bag. The onion rings were OK, but they’re fried, so it’s hard to screw them up.

Let me tell you a little something about a place called Il Vicino. When I was living in St. Louis this place opened up, and I thought it was the cat’s meow (there’s also a bar in St. Louis called The Cat’s Meow that I thought was a strip club. Turns out it wasn’t. Too bad.). It was the first place making traditional wood-oven Pizza that I had ever heard of. And when I was living there we went all the time and I really did love it. But after living in Chicago for a number of years, and checking out all the traditional wood-oven pizza places here, I’ve realized I was wrong about Il Vicino. I think what happened was that St. Louis offers St. Louis-style pizza everywhere (which is like tomato sauce on a cracker topped with Provel cheese), with Imo’s being the most popular. And I really don’t like it. At all. So just the fact that I had another pizza option fooled me into thinking Il Vicino was good. I went back recently and had it and realized it really isn’t that good.

By the way, things aren’t looking good for St. Louis so far. That being said, let’s talk about some of the good things going on down there.

First, there’s Max ‘n’ Ryna’s Deli. You won’t find it on a map. You won’t find it in a phone book. And there isn’t a sign telling you that you have found it once you do find it. That’s because it’s my buddy Dave’s mom and dad. They can cook. We stopped by for breakfast on our way through town a couple of months ago and it was stupid how good the food was. And it wasn’t like they even made anything that fancy. Just some eggs over-easy cooked perfectly (and I mean perfectly), and some biscuits, which were by far the best biscuits I’ve ever (ever) had. I don’t know if they made them from scratch or not, but either way he did something to them to make them amazing. And you had choices for a topping. Butter, jelly, pineapple spread, etc… After we were done we sat outside on the patio and stared in amazement at all the pinwheels his mom has in the backyard. After a couple of hours of chatting we had to be on our way. But of course we weren’t leaving empty handed. Ryna had made some brisket and made us sandwiches to take with us on the train. I was eating a cold left-over brisket sandwich while riding the Amtrak and it was one of the most delicious sandwiches I can remember eating. Just perfectly cooked brisket, white bread, and some mayo. And she packed some cookies for us as well. There’s nothing better than a home-cooked meal. That, and we were hung over, which may have made everything seem better than it really was. I can’t be sure.

Second, the best Dairy Queen you’ll ever visit. It’s at exit 41 (off highway 55) in Staunton, IL. I don’t know why it’s the best. It just is. I think it’s simply the fact that when they make a blizzard they don’t skimp on the candy. I’ve taken several friends there (including some who shall remain nameless who have tried to pass along the info to other friend’s and claim that they were the ones who discovered it. Which isn’t true. My wife did on a road trip with an ex-boyfriend.) and I’ve never, ever had a complaint. In fact, several of those friends now stop there anytime they pass it. Just trust me, if you’re in the area, give it a shot. My reco is a Reece’s Pieces and M&M’s Blizzard.

Third, you’ll find the best cheese fries you’ll ever (and I mean ever) eat. And they can only be found in St. Louis. I’ve stated before that I consider cheese fries one of my favorite foods. Easily in my top five, if not my #1 (I think my top 5 would break out like this: cheese fries, Matt’s chocolate chip cookies, pizza (any kind except St. Louis style and Il Vicino), hot dogs, and pickles.). The place to find the greatest cheese fries in the world? Tropicana Lanes. That’s right, a bowling alley. Is there anything better than beer, bowling, and cheese fries? When I was living down there we would go bowling once a week, and Ricky and I would always bet an order of cheese fries on every game. So not only were the cheese fries delicious, there were also free about 90% of the time.

Well, that’s a sample of what St. Louis is bringing to the table. So let’s check in and see what San Fran is rockin’.





The Case for San Francisco

I had a friend who lived in San Fran a couple of years ago for about a year, so I took that opportunity (free place to stay) to visit the city, which I hadn’t been to since grade school when my parents took us there for a couple days on the way back from Hawaii (yes, my parents took us to Hawaii when we were waaaaay too young to appreciate it, but I digress. And complain.). My two favorite places that I went to during that trip were Mel’s Drive-In and Sam’s Anchor Café.

I was there on a Friday (arrived Thursday night) and Tony (my buddy) had to work. So I had a couple of hours to kill and decided to walk around the city. He lived by Nob Hill or Russian Hill or Telegraph Hill. Let’s call it Nob Hill for our purposes. I ended up walking from his place all the way to Golden Gate Park, around the park, and then back to his place. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret – if you want to go for a long walk, picking the hilliest city in America isn’t the best idea. But my calves also look amazing because of it, so I can’t complain too much.

On the way back I was starving and decided to get some food. That’s when I stumbled upon Mel’s. It was my kind of place. And old-school diner with classic diner food. I got the burger and onion rings and was satisfied by both. But I also got a milkshake (chocolate) which was fantastic. Mel’s is one of those places where when you walk in you just know they have good milkshakes. Have you ever been to a 50’s or 60’s diner and not had a good milkshake? I think it’s because they don’t care about health, or money, so they just make the best tasting milkshake possible, which usually involves lots and lots of cream and fat and delicious goodness without watering it down with milk to make it more profitable. We went back to Mel’s the next day just so I could have another one.

The other memorable destination from that trip was Sam’s Anchor Café. This is the perfect little place on the other side of the Bay in Tiburon. You sit outside, hang out, eat some food, and enjoy the view of the bay (including a pretty nice view of San Fran). I don’t remember anything about the food. I know I was there for brunch, so chances are I had some form of eggs, but I can’t really remember. For that I blame Sam’s Lemonade. It’s basically lemonade and vodka. And I’m not sure there was really lemonade in there. They were fantastic (also fantastically expensive). But, I didn’t have to pay for it. That’s because Tony said that if I did a classic Josh pratfall (where you fake falling down and try to take down as much stuff as possible with you in order to have people turn and look and then ask if you’re OK) he would pay for the bill. So I got up, made my way to the bathroom, and proceeded to fake-trip on a chair (Sam’s specializes in cheap plastic lawn furniture you get at Wal*Mart), then tumbled to the ground, making as much noise as possible. It was a success. The place just stopped (and at noonish on a Saturday the place is packed (over an hour wait)). Two girls asked if I was OK. Another table of co-eds pointed and laughed. I quickly got up, acted embarrassed and sprinted to the bathroom. On the way back a table of girls (and guys, but I didn’t notice them) asked me again if I was OK, and I ended up sitting with them for a couple of minutes. The fake fall was so good that our waitress told us the manager said we were over-served and asked us to leave. We didn’t and continued drinking.

Well, I was back in SF none-of-your-business ago for work and was able to check out a couple more places. I stayed at the Clift hotel. The Clift is one of the fancy hotels that feels a lot nicer than it really is, and when you get the bill you’re not sure it’s really worth that kind of money, but then you talk yourself into it because they had some designer soap in the bathroom and you can be pretty sure that there weren’t any bed bugs. Asia De Cuba is one of those fancy restaurants located in those kind of fancy hotels (there are also Asia De Cuba’s in New York, LA, and London, all located in fancy hotels run by the Morgans Hotel Group). I didn’t love ADC, but I also think a big part of that was my fault. I really couldn’t decide what to get. I was pretty exhausted from a four-hour flight in which I had to sit in the middle seat. So, when it came time to order I for God-knows-what reason went with the bacon cheeseburger. I figured it had bacon, so it would be OK. But it wasn’t. There was just nothing about it that was memorable. It was probably the one thing on the menu I shouldn’t have ordered. I would have been much happier being disappointed in something that was at least somewhat original or unique. However, the fries were great, and the burger came with a boatload of them, so that was nice. I also ordered a side of the mashed potatoes, which had lobster in them. There was also other stuff added to them that I don’t remember, but it doesn’t matter. They were amazing. I could have ordered a giant bowl of it as my meal and I would have been the happiest boy in all of San Francisco. Next time (if there is a next time).

For dinner we wanted to go somewhere good, but also wanted to check out something that was a little more of a “local joint” where you had to be “in-the-know”. That led us to Two. Unfortunately. The place looked nice, and it had a buzz about it without being too crowded. Walking in you really did feel like you were in a cool San Fran spot that only the locals knew about. There’s so much to say about this place that I don’t know where to start, and I also don’t want to spend the next 1,000 words on it (which I could probably do). So, I’m gonna try to hammer through it as quickly as possible. The service was awful. The waiter didn’t know what he was doing, never brought drinks in time, gave the worst reco’s, and it took forever to get our food all night. The whole thing took forever (like two and a half hours), which is ridiculous since the place wasn’t packed and it was a Tuesday night. I started off with the Slow Roasted Marrow Bones. You read that right. I ate bone marrow. It sounded interesting, and I figured there aren’t too many times in life when you get to order bone marrow. It was served with some toasted bread and an onion broth. I’m not sure if you were supposed to just use a spoon to eat it or use a knife and spread it on the bread or what. So I did a little of both. Either way it was just OK. It was served in the bone (so you just got a plate with some bones on it and had to dig into the middle to scoop out the marrow). It was kind of pain in the ass to get the marrow out, and all it really tasted like was the gristle of a steak except in Jell-O form. John (one of the other people attending dinner) described it as a poor man’s foie gras. Either way, it wasn’t worth the wait. Of course my other “when else would you order it” option was head cheese. Which isn’t cheese, but rather meat from the head of a pig or calf. The other people at the table said they would get up and leave if I ordered it (they actually probably did me a favor by forcing me not to order it), which is why I went with the marrow. For dinner I ended up getting the smoked garlic sausage and shrimp risotto with green onions. It was actually really good. And I say “actually” because no one else, and I mean no one, at the table enjoyed their meal. Sean wanted me to specifically say that the roasted half duck on the bone was awful. AWFUL. I think everyone else got the halibut, and every one of them felt the same way about it. Which was somewhere between “eh” and “whatever”. The saving grace was dessert. The ice cream sandwiches were forgetful. But the cupcakes (peanut butter and double chocolate) were fantastic. The doughnut holes were delicious. And the hot fudge sundae was pretty good. They even had a Sprecher root beer float (I didn’t get it), which is an added bonus. And that was Two.


So the question remains – Who’s Now?

The experts (or expert, as in me) weighed in. And now it’s your turn to vote (not really) to decide Who’s Now – San Francisco or St. Louis.

After an incredibly close race, the winner is…St. Louis (I know, I’m as surprised as you are). In the end, the only thing that mattered was the cheese fries. When you have the best cheese fries on the planet, you’re always going to be Now.



And in case you care, here’s a quick re-cap:

ST. LOUIS

Restaurant: Applebee’s
Rating: Manly ass slap (at least the beer was cold)

Restaurant: Il Vicino
Rating: High Five

Restaurant: Dairy Queen
Rating: Half handshake, half chest-bump hug

Restaurant: Max ‘n’ Ryna’s
Rating: Chest bump with a manly ass slap

Restaurant: Tropicana Bowling Alley
Rating: HJ




SAN FRANCISCO

Restaurant: Mel’s Drive-In
Rating: Chest Bump

Restaurant: Sam’s Anchor Cafe
Rating: Chest Bump with a manly ass slap

Restaurant: Asia De Cuba
Rating: Fist Bump

Restaurant: Two
Rating: High five (but only because of the dessert)



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.