J Patrick's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: J Patrick’s
Location: 1365 W. Erie


Look, I know it goes without saying, but I feel the need to reiterate the sentiment from time to time: I’m awesome. Honest to god, I am. And if you don’t believe, me, I can prove it.

Exhibit A:
My fadeaway in basketball. It’s unstoppable. Granted, it isn’t the same after I’ve put on about 30 lbs in the last 5 years, but if I have my back to you and the ball in my hands, you might as well just head on down the court, cause the ball is going in the hoop faster than LiLo goes into rehab.

Exhibit B:
My shoe collection. It’s extensive. My closet is like a mini version of MTV Cribs. And everyone on MTV Cribs is awesome. Therefore, so am I.

Exhibit C:
My fantasy football skills. I’ve won no less than one fantasy football league in the past nine years. And I’ve won no more than one fantasy football league in the last nine years. You try playing in five different leagues every year for nine years and win only one championship. Seriously, I dare you. It isn’t easy. In fact, you have to be awesome to pull off the feat.

Exhibit D:
I have a 10-inch johnson.

Exhibit E:
I’m a really good liar.

Exhibit F:
I’m an above average dancer. Depending on your definition of average.

Exhibit G:
I own my own bowling ball. And bowling shoes. And bowling bag. And bowling towel. Have you ever met anyone who has all that and isn’t awesome? Didn’t think so.

Exhibit H:
You can’t spell “awesome” without “me”. It’s a true story. You can look it up on Wikipedia. Or in the dictionary. Or on one of those “witty” t-shirts that my buddy Neuman owns.

Exhibit I:
I totally knew Norah Jones was going to be killer before anyone else did. Ask my mom. I bought her the CD way before anyone was buying that CD.

Exhibit J:
I ate the Indulgence Burger at J Patrick’s and am on the Indulgence Wall of Fame. Yes, you read that correctly.

And since I can tell you’re already scratching your head and asking yourself, “What’s the Indulgence Burger?” I’ll tell you. It’s two half-pound patties of meat, two fried eggs, French fries (yes, French fries on the burger), bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes, lettuce, onions, pickles, ketchup, mustard, and a bun. And also a coronary. Plus a side item (I went with onion rings). All you have to do is eat the entire thing (including the side item), and you make it onto the Indulgence Wall of Fame.

That’s right, I ate it. In record time. And was searching for dessert afterwards (which they don’t have, but I’ll get to that in a minute).

Here’s the story:

Dave, who lives in Geoff’s building (actually lived) was moving to Boston with his wife (even though there is still a little bit of a debate as to his sexual preference), so him and Geoff were going to grab a beer and bite to eat one last time. Turns out it was also one first time. For all the time they lived in the building together, they never really hung out. Either way, I invited myself to crash the party.

Geoff had been talking about J Patrick’s for a while. Apparently they changed ownership after the New Year and also changed their menu. Now it had a bunch of burgers to choose from, along with some surprisingly healthy options. And rumor had it everything was good. But I wouldn’t know, because I never even got to look at the menu. As I opened it up Geoff simply said, “Check out the last thing on the menu.” It was the Indulgence Burger. Done and done.

While I was busy ordering a heart attack with a side of spare tire, Dave ordered the cucumber sandwiches. I almost punched him in the mouth. I’m still trying to get over the fact that a place that offers the Indulgence Burger also offers cucumber sandwiches. But they do. Dave is a vegetarian (gay), and said the mini sandwiches (gay) were really, really good (gay), so if you’re a vegetarian (gay) hanging out with some meat eaters (not gay), you might want to check out J Patrick’s. They actually have a bunch of vegetarian options (gay joke getting old, I know, but still, gay), so it’s something to consider.

And the best part of the whole thing? The burger was actually good. I was fully expecting it to be over cooked, or dry, or awful on many different levels. But it wasn’t. It was actually really juicy. And tasty. I started off by grabbing the top patty and top bun and eating that half like you would a burger. It went down quickly. The bottom half was a little messier because the bun had time to soak up the blood from the burger (yes, it was as delicious as it sounds). So I had to eat the bottom half with a fork and knife (gay), but nothing was going to stop me from finishing this thing. I should probably tell you at this point that I ordered the burger sans mushrooms (which you know I hate), so to make up for that I had to eat four extra pickle spears. Little did J Patrick’s know that pickles are my 3rd favorite thing in the entire world to eat. No sweat.

The onion rings were OK. They started off really good, as I devoured half of them before even attempting to take a bite of the burger, but by the end I had to wash them down with my manhattans. The problem is they got cold, and they really weren’t good cold.

The highlight of the night (other than Dave saying, “Now, I know I’m no Sinbad…”) was that I convinced the manager to make a certificate certifying my accomplishment. It is being framed as we speak.

So the Big Delicious destroyed the Indulgence Burger, making me now the Big Indulgence.

Like I said, I’m awesome.

My only real complaint is that they don’t have dessert there, and I really needed something sweet after all that grease. Maybe they’ll get their act together and make an Indulgence Ice Cream Cookie. Imagine a chocolate-chip skillet cookie, topped with a warm brownie, topped with vanilla ice cream, topped with chocolate sauce, topped with whipped cream, topped with Matt’s Chocolate Chip Cookies, topped with more chocolate sauce, topped with a cherry. You finish that, friend-o, and you can be awesome too.


Fist bump with a manly ass slap.




Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.