Milwaukee

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Let’s play some word association. I’m gonna throw out a word or phrase or whatever, and you say the first thing that comes to mind. Let’s begin.

Pizza.

Basketball.

Beach.

Nike.

Milwaukee.

Vacation.

Strip club.

Chocolate.

Beer.

The movie Stick It.

Summer.


That’s enough. How’d you do? Let me guess. Your answers went something like this:

Pizza: stuffed, good, greasy, tasty, pepperoni
Basketball: MJ, Bulls, United Center, Scottie
Beach: sand, ocean, blanket, bikinis
Nike: shoes, swoosh, MJ, sports, clothes
Milwaukee: sucks, boring, sucks, awful
Vacation: beach, relaxation, sun, plane, no work
Strip club: bada bing, boobies, pepperoni, g-string divas
Chocolate: sweet, Snickers, good, strawberry
Beer: good, High Life, refreshing, Duff, Homer
Stick It: sucks, boring, sucks, awful
Summer: warm, sun, vacation, no work, softball

Am I close? I’m guessing I am. Here’s my point: you probably feel the same way about Milwaukee as you do about a movie like Stick It. Most likely you haven’t been to Milwaukee, and you haven’t seen Stick It, but you have assumptions about both. And that assumption is that they are both a waste of your time. And you know what? You’re wrong.

See, Milwaukee’s got a lot more going for it than you’d think. Just like Stick It. Believe me, I know. I saw the movie the day it opened, and I’ve been heading to our sister to the north a lot lately for work.

Here’s the list:

Milwaukee: The lakefront. Great place to run, go for a walk, or have a picnic and enjoy the view.
Stick It: Great one-liners, like “This is my hetero life partner Frank” and “’You gonna bust me out?’ ‘You know how I like a good bust.’” and “Careful, or you’re going to have a cardio vasectomy.”

Milwaukee: Brady Street. Feels like a younger, more happening Main St. of a small town. Great vibe, great atmosphere, great bars. Lots of college kids (for better or worse).
Stick It: Hot girls (don’t worry, I think they’re all over 18) in boy shorts and sports bras. And they are all in some sick shape.

Milwaukee: Good restaurants. You’d be surprised.
Stick It: Poot and Frank.

Milwaukee: Downtown. It’s not much, but the parts that are developing are nice.
Stick It: Missy Peregrym.

Milwaukee: 3rd Ward. Up and coming ‘hood with lots of lofts, shops, markets. Feels like a real city neighborhood.
Stick It: Every “phone” scene. So dumb it’s brilliant.

Milwaukee: Encased meats and cheese. And the Miller brewery. And Harley’s headquarters. Sausage plus cheese plus beer plus motorcycles. Sounds like a pretty good city to me.
Stick It: The story line. Ridiculous. In a good way.

Milwaukee: The art museum. I hear good things. I’ve never been there, but it looks great from the outside.
Stick It: Wei Wei’s dance moves. Uncomfortable. In a good way.

Milwaukee: A chain of restaurants that all start with the word “Mo” – like Mo’s Steakhouse, Mocha, Monsoon, and highest of all comedy – Moceans. Can you imagine a worse name for a place? In a good way.
Stick It: The highest of all comedy – Jeff Bridges nearly crying.

Milwaukee: The weather bean. It’s a neon bean that sits on the top of a building and changes color based on the temperature. I figure if Chicago can brag about Cloudgate then Milwaukee should be able to brag about the weather bean.
Stick It: Jeff Bridges on the trampoline.

I could go on all day. You get the point. Sometimes your preconceptions are misconceptions and you need to give something a chance before you crap on it.

Now that we’ve got that covered, here are a couple of those good restaurants I mentioned.


Restaurant: Zarletti
Location: 741 N. Milwaukee St., Milwaukee, WI

If you ever are going to Milwaukee and are going to be stuck over night (and I mean stuck in the nicest possible way), then I advise you stay at the Metro. Probably the nicest hotel in town. And if you do stay at The Metro, and you’re looking to eat dinner, look no further than Zarletti. It’s right across the street, which is good since catching a cab in Milwaukee is about as easy as catching an STD in a convent. Not that I would know.

I always know I’m going to like a place when they bring out the bread. For one, it’s free, and anytime I’m getting something free, I’m happy. Plus, the bread was warm, and the butter was soft. You really can’t underestimate soft butter and warm bread. I hate the places that give you a loaf of bread with some butter that just came out of the fridge, except the fridge is set at such a cold temp that the butter is practically frozen, so you can barely cut the butter with a knife, and spreading it on the bread is impossible. And if they give you the frozen butter and the bread is cold? Forget about it. I won’t even eat it (OK, that’s a lie, cause I’ll eat anything. But believe me, I’m not happy about it). So, Zarletti scored some serious points with warm bread (and good bread at that) and some soft, spreadable butter. And isn’t everything better when it’s spreadable?

For starters I opted for the minestrone soup and a Caesar salad. The salad was just OK. Nothing special. It seems like everyplace serves a Caesar salad, but it’s hard to find a great Caesar salad. Why is that? The soup was much better. See, minestrone soup is something that is relatively common, but every place seems add their own twist to it, so it’s not like you ever get the same soup twice from restaurant to restaurant. But with Caesar salad there really isn’t much you can do to spice it up. So either you have a great dressing or not, and most places don’t. Too bad, since I love Caesar salad. So, soup was good, and salad was nothing special (but it almost never is).

For dinner I rolled the dice. Every now and then I’ll ask the server what they recommend. I’ll have two or three options in my head, and if they say an option I was thinking of, then it’s a sign to get it. And if they say something totally different, then I really have a decision to make. But even better is pulling a “Tony D”, where you ask the server to make a recommendation between Dish A and Dish B. Then, if the server says, “Oh, I’d go with Dish B.” you immediately say, “I’ll take Dish A.” Great dickhead move that always kills. Plus the server will either laugh and think it’s funny or spit in your food, but either way it’s worth it. At Zarletti I handed the server the menu and said, “Surprise me.” He looked a little stunned, and I repeated myself with a, “Bring me anything. Your choice.” He asked if I eat red meat and was off. He brought me the prime rib. And the man made a great choice. Amazing. Cooked perfectly. Great sauce (I believe they call it a reduction sauce, though it actually increases flavor, not reduce it).

On the flip side, my buddy Scott says stay away from the veal. Zarletti claims it as a signature dish, but Scott says it’s no good. Not sure if Scott can be totally trusted since he hates everything and probably eats his pasta with no sauce and adds butter, but you’ve been warned.

Chest bump. I really liked the atmosphere, the food, and most importantly the company (awwwww). I’m sure I’ll be back.



Restaurant: Roots
Location: 1818 N. Hubbard St.

Well, I know I said maybe Scott couldn’t be trusted based on his “simple” tastes, but we put our faith in him anyway and let him talk us into eating dinner at Roots. And I’m glad we did. For one thing, it took us to a different part of the city. We usually stick to the two blocks that consist of the “cool” part of downtown. Usually because we’re just walking from the hotel, and because we figured it was all Milwaukee had to offer. But Roots sits in a different part of town (I have no idea what the part of town is called. Then again, the city isn’t that big, so it might just be called “Milwaukee”.).

So we walk in the door, and in the upstairs area there are about 4 tables that are full. The rest of the tables are empty (maybe 7 or 8). The bartender comes up and asks how many, and when we tell him four he tells us to hold on a minute. It takes them probably five minutes to clear a table for us. Again, there are probably 7 or 8 empty tables, but we end up waiting five minutes before they sit us at a table. This had me nervous. Turns out it was worth the wait. The table they cleared for us was right next to the glass doors that led to the outdoor patio. Now, it was too cold to sit outside, but the table was important because it had a great view of the city through the doors. The view actually made the city and it’s skyline look impressive. Let that sink in for a second. Every time I would drive up to Milwaukee I would make my “What a beautiful skyline” joke as everyone laughed. But this view from Roots has changed my opinion (would love to sit on the patio when it’s nice out). From this view Milwaukee actually felt like a cool little city. I’ll probably only make the skyline joke every other time I drive up now.

Roots also brags of slow service. Seriously. On their menu it says something about taking your time and enjoying your meal. There is no rush. You sit, relax, enjoy your meal, and stay as long as you want. It’s kind of refreshing. Of course if you’re starving, you have to tackle your waitress and beg for some bread (like we did), but after that it’s great.

The meal started off bad. But I’ll take full responsibility. I ordered the Caesar salad. Guess what? It wasn’t anything special. It was a Caesar salad. Big whoop. What did I expect? I have no idea. But I think I might be done ordering Caesar’s unless it’s the only edible thing on the menu. Luckily for me I was able to mooch some of the other appetizers. Julie got the spaghetti squash pancakes, and they were delicious. They tasted like real pancakes. You would never guess they were made with a vegetable. I just wanted a bite to see what it tasted like. I may have eaten an entire pancake. My bad. Michael got the crab cakes. Not bad, but nothing special, according to him (I didn’t try them, but I’ll take his word for it).

For dinner I couldn’t decide, so I asked the waitress what she would get if she were ordering dinner, and she said the sablefish. And since that was one of the options I had narrowed it down to, I took it as a sign. So that’s what I got. Now, the sablefish comes with grilled bulgar. Do you know what bulgar is? Neither did I. It’s a grain and is kind of like cous cous. The only difference is that it tastes like dirt. And when it’s grilled it’s like a brick of dirt. It was also a little burnt. Of course none of this stopped me from eating the whole thing, but I think it was out of curiosity more than anything. Oh, and the sablefish was pretty good. I also had a bite of the tilapia, which was great, and the tenderloin, which was also great.

And when we were done with that I talked everyone into ordering some dessert to share. And by share I mean I eat everything on the table. The seven layer chocolate cake sounded great. Too bad it didn’t taste that way. It wasn’t awful or anything, but when you tell me you have seven layer cake, I’m looking for something that’s gonna put me in diabetic shock. Instead I ate half of it and gave up. Julie got the sorbet, which was actually really good. Unfortunately it came out so frozen that even a knife wouldn’t cut through it. You had to sit there and wait for it to warm up before it became edible. But once it did I actually really liked it.

In the end not a bad recommendation by Scott. After the meal he informed us that he had actually never eaten in the restaurant. He had only been in the Cellar, which was the lounge downstairs. I walked down there to check it out and I can see why he would go there to eat. Good atmosphere with great music playing (I heard some Q-Tip and Common’s The Corner). Made me wish we had gone down there to eat. Then again, our meal was pretty good. But, nothing that I would crave to eat. In the summer I could see myself going back there to sit outside and eat. I’m torn between a high five with a manly ass slap and a fist bump, but I’m gonna give it a fist bump for Scotty. And for the view.



Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.