The Chronicles of Gnar

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star


Restaurant: The Dredge
Location: 180 W Jefferson, Breckenridge, CO


WARNING: THIS REVIEW IS LONG, RAMBLES, AND IS EXTREMELY INCOHERENT. I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE.

On my latest trip I was in Colorado to do some skiing. For those in the know, you might call this “shredding the gnar”. For those who are complete tools, you might call this “shredding the gnar”. I fall into both categories. Any who, I made the trip with 15 other friends and we all stayed in one house in Breckenridge. Great time. If you get the chance, I would make friends with 15 people as cool as the friends that I have and then encourage all of them to meet in Colorado to ski, drink, eat, drink, and drink. And ski.

On Saturday night, the group “organizer”, Juice, wanted us all to go someplace and have dinner together. You see, to this point in the trip we were eating at the house. We made a decision that everyone was on their own for food, so we kind of split up into groups and people went to the store to stock up the kitchen on their own. In theory this was a great idea, because making a shopping list for 16 people is impossible (especially when me and my buddy Ricky are two of those people). And, if you were able to make a list, the person in charge of buying it all would get screwed. But, when you split up into groups, here’s what you end up with in your kitchen (and this is mostly not exaggerated):
- 30+ bananas
- 3 jars of peanut butter
- 7 loaves of bread
- 62 frozen pizzas
- 2 bottles of Jack (which wasn’t nearly enough)
- 2 jars of jelly
- 4 gallons of milk
- 1 lb of coffee
- 80+ bottles of water
- 800+ bottles of beer
- 0 bottles of KY Jelly
- 12 lbs of cereal

And the list goes on. And that was just for a long weekend. Here’s the point, once all the food is bought, everything gets thrown together, and everyone just starts eating everyone else’s’ food. Which is fine, except that people weren’t buying food for everyone, they were just buying food for their group. So you end up with more than you need (3 jars of peanut butter, 7 loaves of bread, etc…), and because people end up sharing, you also have less of what you need (1 lb of coffee, 62 pizzas, etc…). Why do I bring this up? I have no idea. But, since I did bring it up, let’s give a quick review to the frozen pizzas, which were cooked non-stop for roughly 72 hours before we went to dinner on Saturday (and we even cooked a couple of pizzas before dinner as “appetizers”).

Kroger Brand generic pizza – surprisingly good. But, when you’re drunk, what isn’t good. Tasted like Tombstone. High five with a manly ass slap.
Red Baron Pizza – the best of the bunch, but it was also the only one that cost more than $2.50. Fist bump with a manly ass slap.
Totino’s Pizza – the most popular, probably because it cost about 50 cents a pizza. Thanks to Tony D, there will always be something about a Totino’s Pizza that will have a place in my heart. Fist bump.

If you’ve read this far, I’m sorry. Let’s get back to where we left off. On Saturday night, the group “organizer”, Juice, wanted us all to go someplace and have dinner together. Great idea. Get us out of the house but still together, since that was impossible on the slopes. The only place in Breckenridge that had the availability for 17 people (another friend from Denver joined us) on a Saturday night was a restaurant called The Dredge. Just for the record, if a place has room for 17 people on a Saturday night at 8:30 when you call the day of, that’s a bad sign.

Now, the restaurant was actually in an old dredge. What is that? Well, I’m glad you asked. Let me tell you. Actually, I just read about dredges for 45 minutes and still have no idea how to describe them. Just visit this site to learn more (if you care, which I’m sure you don’t, but just in case you do, which, again, I doubt) - http://www.nps.gov/yuch/Expanded/mining_history/coal_creek/what_is_a_dredge.htm

So, we’re about 800 words in and I still haven’t even talked about the food. Let’s get to it.

As a table we ordered a bunch of appetizers – fried calamari, spinach and artichoke dip, and mussels. OK, so maybe it wasn’t exactly a bunch, but it was enough for 9 people (we were split into two tables – 9 at one, 8 at the other). Plus we got free bread. Fried calamari was too cold, but not half bad. Of course that means it also wasn’t half good. The real question is “would I order it again?” The answer is “no”. The dip was OK. It did have a neon green look to it, which had me worried, but it really was pretty good. Mostly it was cheesy, so it’s tough to get a bad review when you’re extra cheesy. Unless you’re an American Idol. Then I hate you because you’re extra cheesy. Or if you’re not cheesy but you have long hair and a beard and think you’re a long lost member of Foghat. Then I hate you (yes, I talking to you Bo Bice, if that is your real name). The mussels were really, really good. Maybe because they were cooked in 6 lbs of butter. The bread was good and bad. The first loaf was great. It was warm and had a hint of flavor, but it was perfectly cooked and soft and chewy. Now, the second loaf (of course I asked for more) was burnt. The waitress even brought it out and said, “Looks like they left it in the oven too long.” When you’re saying that to PAYING customers, maybe you shouldn’t bring it to the table at all. I’m just sayin’. Did this stop me from eating it? Of course not, but I wasn’t happy about it.

And a couple people got soups and salads. They looked OK, and there was a split decision on the tomato and basil soup, so I don’t know what to tell you. I also don’t know why I even brought it up.

On to the entrees. I went with the ribs. I had the option of a half rack or full rack. Take a guess which one I went with. And like most entrees, you get some choices with your dinner. Mine consisted of the choice of a side. Here were the options: garlic mashers, baked potato, or rice. There are 3 things that are always going to make me happy: 1) chocolate, 2) garlic mashers, 3) porn. So of course I went with the garlic mashers. Over at the next table where the other half of our party was sitting, Puz was already enjoying the ribs. The sweat dripping from his forehead and the smile on his face told me that the ribs were good and spicy. And the forehead didn’t lie. The ribs had a great spice to them. They weren’t so hot that you had trouble eating them, but they had just enough spice that you couldn’t wait to get to the next rib as sweat ran down your neck. Anytime you sweat as you eat some BBQ is a good thing. The first rack was terrific. Juicy, easy to peel off the bone, and the aforementioned spices. But, the second rack was a different story. The ribs were overcooked and tough. By the middle of the rack I couldn’t go on. They were burnt and almost impossible to chew. And like a movie or book, you seem to remember the ending more than anything, and here the ending was a disappointment. Especially for Puz, who had an “issue” with the spiciness of the meat and had to make a run for the border while the rest of us sat there for an hour and told old jokes that we’ve told each other a thousand times. Here was my favorite (probably because it was a new one):

Guy walks into a bar and sits down. Notices he’s next to a guy with a huge orange as a head. He’s curious so he asks, “Why do you have an orange head?” The guy says, “Well, it’s a funny story. I was strolling down the beach one day, and I kind of stumbled. I looked back to see what I tripped on and I noticed a little lamp. Sure enough a huge genie comes slinking out of it. The Genie says to me, ‘Looks like you’re the big winner of three wishes.’ So, I took him up on the offer. First, I asked for 100 million dollars. Poof, there was 100 million dollars sitting at my feet. Next, I asked to have relations of the sexual nature with Eva Longoria. Bam, next thing you know I’m in Eva. For my last wish, and here’s where I think I went wrong, I wished that my head be turned into a giant orange.”

Trust me, it killed. Thanks for that one Neuman.

The garlic mashers. Just a horrible, horrible experience. The mashers were dry. And you couldn’t even taste the garlic. The only way these things were edible is if you coated them with butter, and that’s only if you could find some unused butter at the table. How do you ruin garlic mashers? It’s not that hard. You take some potatoes, add some garlic, add some cream and butter, and mash them together. And if they seem like they aren’t creamy enough, you add some more cream. How can you screw this up? I’m still livid. Here’s the thing about the list of things that always make me happy - even on their worst day, I’m still happy with those things. Cheap, old, crusty chocolate? Still chocolate. Still happy to eat it. Porn with 83-year-old women? Still porn. Still at least funny to look at. Dry, non-garlic garlic mashers? Still mashers. Still good. Or at least that’s what I assumed. The mashers at The Dredge have forced me to officially remove garlic mashers from my “always happy” list. It is a sad, sad day in Josh land.

But, they had dessert. And they had two choices from the “always happy” list: 7-layer chocolate cake and an ice cream chocolate chip cookie sundae. I chose the latter. And you know what, it was so good it just might have saved The Dredge from a handshake rating and kicked it all the way up to a fist bump with a manly ass slap. I’m that fat, and dessert is that important. But, I said “might have”.

Let’s get back to the service I alluded to before. We had two tables of people, and the restaurant decided that it would be easier for them (and better for us) if each table had their own server. Fine. I get it. Their server came, took a drink order, and brought back drinks. Then took the appetizer order, and brought appetizers. Then took the dinner order, and brought dinner. Makes sense. Our waitress on the other hand took our drink order, then brought back a pitcher of water. Then took our appetizer order, then brought appetizers. But still no drinks. Someone finally begged and pleaded for our drinks. It was a disaster. The other table was done eating as we were just getting our food, and our waitress was never to be found, and at one point we almost sent someone to the bar to get us a second round of drinks. It really was horrible service. And she was nice enough and all (even laughing as Neuman was firing on her while she spotted the nearest exit), but just had no clue what she was doing. She was oblivious. And I’ve said before that for me to be happy with a restaurant the food simply needs to be OK and the service needs to be good. Well, when the service is bad, that’s tough to overcome.

But then again, I was hanging out with good friends and skiing in Colorado. Even The Dredge couldn’t ruin that.

The Dredge – High five.
The gnar – half handshake half chest-bump hug.
The shredding I did of the gnar – fist bump. At best.

Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.