Popeye's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star


Restaurant: Popeye’s
Location: 811 Wrigley Dr., Lake Geneva, WI


I had the pleasure of spending my most recent birthday in Lake Geneva, WI for work. Now, obviously there’s nothing better than spending your birthday with a bunch of clients and people from work, and it’s even more special if you can spend that time in a place like Lake Geneva with it’s many, many, many choices in fine dining.

For dinner, we headed to a place called Popeye’s. And unfortunately it wasn’t the fried chicken place, it was the seafood-and-then-some place.

When the waitress came around for drinks, I was in the mood for a milkshake. After all, it was my birthday. When I asked for a chocolate one, she told me they didn’t have milkshakes this time of year. Now, to be clear, milkshakes consist of ice cream and milk. And we’re in Wisconsin. The dairy capital of the world. And they don’t have milkshakes this time of year. As if somehow milk and ice cream are out of season. In the dairy state. Needless to say, I was annoyed.

The table then ordered some appetizers to share. We got the fried cheese sticks, fried calamari, fried onion rings, and the unfried spinach and artichoke dip. And they were all very unenjoyable. The cheese sticks almost weren’t fried enough. Or, to be more accurate, reheated enough. The cheese on the inside wasn’t even melted. Come on, if you’re going to serve me fried cheese sticks and the inside isn’t gooey with melted mozzarella, then don’t bother bringing them out of the kitchen. The fried calamari was interesting. They were actually more like fish sticks made out of calamari. But, if you’ve ever seen calamari, it doesn’t exactly lend itself to being made into perfectly straight sticks, which leads me to believe they were either calamari substitute, or they were like processed chicken nuggets, where the calamari is all ground together, then reformed in the shape of a stick. Whatever it was it was not good. I won’t even waste time on the onion rings. I love onion rings. My tongue hated me after eating these things. Lastly, I had a bit of the spinach and artichoke dip. Awful. No flavor, no taste, no good. And it had a neon green tint to it, as if the cook in the back turned to his buddy and asked, “Isn’t this dip supposed to be green?” And his buddy said, “I think so. Maybe.” So they mixed in a bunch of green food coloring. Unfortunately food coloring only adds color and not taste. If you’re looking for an appetizer at this place, stick to the soups.

Speaking of, I started out with the chicken tortilla soup, which wasn’t half bad.

What was all bad was my entrée. I decided to treat myself and go for the surf and turf. And with that I also got a side of fries. Which never came. So, no milkshake, and now no fries. But, I was able to nibble on someone else’s, and I was more than happy that mine didn’t get delivered. I’m not even sure how to describe the lobster. I haven’t had a ton of lobster in my lifetime, but I pretty sure it’s supposed to taste better than this. At one point I was actually dipping my lobster in the blood that was running from my steak just to give it some flavor. Again, I haven’t had much lobster over the years, but if you’re dipping it in warm cows blood just so it is edible, that’s bad, right?

I was kind of excited about the filet. It was a good size, and before I cut into it, I pushed on it with my fork. Seemed like it was cooked perfectly, so my expectations were high. And, of course, they were not met. It really was a bad steak. No flavor, not as juicy as I would have thought, and it was kind of burnt on the outside, but not a good burnt, a bad burnt. I didn’t even finish it.

And just to top everything off, my boss knew it was my birthday. When we walked it he handed a note to the hostess to bring our table a dessert with a candle in it. The hostess left and didn’t give the note to anyone. Then my boss went and found our server and asked her if she could bring something out so everyone could sing. She shoved a sparkler that looked like it spent a couple of weekends at Balco into an empty wine glass. This thing shot sparks out everywhere for about a minute as everyone sang. It was nice. Then the waitress brought a bill to my boss. The sparkler cost $6. And I didn’t even get dessert with the sparkler. Happy birthday to me.

I did get a box of thin mints from my boss later in the week, which was nice. But Popeye’s wasn’t so lucky. They get the near impossible Fone and Fone. Never eat here. Ever. Unless you hate milkshakes and good food. And good service. And your birthday.


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