HB

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: HB
Location: 3404 N Halsted


Welcome back to Career Advice 101 with your professor, Born To Fork. In the first class we learned how to get ahead by doing as little as possible at work. In today’s lecture we’ll learn about the importance of acronyms, what they mean, and when to use them. Let’s begin.


HB - HB used to stand for Hearty Boys, who were Steve McDonagh and Dan Smith. BITD they became famous for winning the Food Network reality show The Next Food Network Star. They were (and still are) caterers, but after winning the show they opened HB. Now Joncarl Lachman, who’s been the executive chef since the day HB opened, owns the place. But, since the Hearty Boys are no longer involved, he decided to change the name. To HB. Except now it stands for Home Bistro. Ex. “Let’s go get dinner at HB.”

BITD – Back In The Day. Ex. “BITD they became famous for winning the Food Network reality show The Next Food Network Star.”

BM – Bowel Movement. These are very important parts of the workday. It’s your chance to take a 15-minute break, get away from everyone, and have some alone time. I highly recommend printing out your favorite Internet articles or blogs (BTF is a great option) to read while having a BM. Plus, you’ll look busy holding a stack of paper on your way to the bathroom. Ex. “That burrito gave me a BM.”

ASAP – As Soon As Possible. Ex. “I want to go home ASAP.”

PDQ – Pretty Darn Quickly. Ex. “With our reservation at HB, we got to sit down PDQ.”

BTF – Born To Fork. Ex. “It’s amazing how much I learn from reading BTF.”

IOU – I Owe You. An IOU can be used in place of actual money to let someone know that you’ll pay them back with real currency at a later date. Sometimes you can IOU with favors or chores rather than money. FYI, the people at HB don’t take too kindly to IOUs. Luckily the prices are incredibly reasonable. I think each couple paid about $80 for dinner, which is pretty decent considering we all had apps, entrees, and dessert. Ex. “IOU an HJ.”

FYI – For Your Information. Ex. “FYI, there is no valet parking at HB, and finding spots on the street are hard to come by. If you can, take a cab. Or a bus. Or walk.”

HJ – A 6 star rating on BTF. Ex. “Nothing at HB was worthy of an HJ.”

WTF – What The F#@K? Seriously, WTF? How many Bring It On and American Pie movies can they make? There’s Bring It On, which is the original movie. Then Bring It On Again, which was the sequel, starring nobody, where a bunch of college kids can’t make the college squad so they start their own squad and have a cheer off. Then there’s the STV classic Bring It On: All or Nothing, starring Hayden Panettiere (from Heroes, and I have no idea how she got sucked into doing this movie) and Solange Knowles (Beyonce’s sister). And most recently the STV Bring It On: In It to Win It, starring a whole cast of nobody’s. Ex. “There’s another American Pie movie? American Pie Presents: The Beta House? WTF? How do they keep making these? And why do people keep watching them? And why does Eugene Levy keep starring in them? WTF?”

PEI – Prince Edward Island. PEI is located in Canada, a bit Northwest of Maine. Last year while on our cruise around Europe we met a couple (Jeff and Debbie) from PEI who we hung out with a bunch and still keep in touch with. According to Jeff, PEI produces something like 80% of the world’s mussels for consumption. I don’t know whether or not that’s true, but I’m willing to go with it. It’s because of Jeff and Debbie that I decided to order the PEI Mussels in Beer Butter at HB. They sounded pretty interesting, and there aren’t a ton of places that have mussels on the menu, and the waiter highly recommended it, and the word “beer” was involved, and they were cooked in garlic, and they were served with truffle fries, so it seemed like the logical decision. And then I remembered why I don’t normally order mussels. They came out in this huge bowl filled with mussels and the beer broth. It looked like a giant soup. The problem was the mussels were still in the shell (as they should be). So to eat one you had to dig it out of the bowl, then dig out the mussel, then enjoy. It was way too much work for dinner. Or maybe just way too much work for me. Either way, I wasn’t in love with my choice. They tasted decent, but again, just too much work and a little too messy. Ex. “The PEI Mussels at HB are fun to look at, but difficult to eat. But the truffle fries are amazing and make up for the mussels. But next time I’ll avoid the PEI Mussels and just get a side order of the fries.”

STV – Straight To Video. Ex. “2 Girls, 1 Cup was most likely a STV release. After watching it I had a straight-to-losing-my-lunch release.

DD – Tig ol’ Bitties. Ex. “I would love to motorboat those DDs.”

D&D – Dungeons and Dragons. D&D is not to be confused with DDs. Those who play D&D almost never get to motorboat DDs. Ex. “You know how I know you’re gay? Because you play D&D.”

BYOB – Bring Your Own Booze (a.k.a. Bring Your Own Beer). HB is a BYOB restaurant. Which was a big reason for the reasonable tab at the end of the night. Ex. “HB is BYOB, and if you forget your B, you can always run across the street to 7-Eleven to pick some up.”

A.K.A. – Also Known As. Ex. “Josh Kell. A.K.A. Big Delicious.”

VIP – Very Important Person. There is no VIP section at HB. The place is very small and very quant. It’s a very intimate and friendly atmosphere. The waiter was great and really treated everyone like a VIP, which was refreshing. Ex. “After your holiday party, beware of the co-worker who asks you to go to VIPs for a drink.”

KISS – Keep It Simple Stupid. KISS is a great daily reminder of how you should go about your job. Keep it simple. Simple works. Bigger usually isn’t better. Different normally just ends up being different. But simple? Simple is easy. Simple is something everyone understands. Simple gets the job done. Ex. “Whoever came up with the desserts at HB must live by the motto KISS. Chocolate cake. Cupcakes. Ice Cream. Simple pleasures, done blissfully. I applaud you, HB.”

OMG – Oh My God! OMG is almost always used in email or texting form. It’s a quick, to-the-point way of saying “Wow!” Now I know “Wow!” is quick and too the point, but it isn’t nearly as fun as OMG. Ex. “I had the almond stuffed dates at HB and all I can say is OMG. They are dates, stuffed with an almond, wrapped in bacon, and baked with brown sugar. OMG.”

FUPA – Fat Upper Pu$&y Area. Ex. “Jane Doe has an insane FUPA.”

LOL – Laughing Out Loud. I used to think LOL stood for “Lots of Love”, and in some circles it probably does. But usually it’s used in emails or texts as a quick way to telling someone that something you said/wrote was funny, or to let you know that they are making a joke so you don’t take the joke personally. I frown upon any use of LOL. Same goes for emoticons. :( Ex. “OMG, I can’t believe you gained 7 lbs over the holidays. Maybe next time you should lay off the perogis and beer and desserts! You’re such a fatty! LOL! :)”

24/7 – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I checked out the brunch menu while I was at HB and it looked incredible. And I’ve talked to people who have eaten there for brunch and loved it. The one thing that really stood out was the Crabcake Benedict. It just sounds really good. Ex. “I wish HB served their brunch menu 24/7.”

CYA – Cover Your Ass. My dad always complains that nobody picks up the phone anymore. Everyone just shoots an email over or an IM when it would be easier, and quicker, to walk down the hall or pick up the phone and talk to the person. What he doesn’t understand is that with an email there is a paper trail. So if something goes wrong you have what you need to CYA and blame the other person (this was covered in the first lecture). Ex. “CYA ASAP before you’re SOL and in the dog house.”

EOD – End of Day. Ex. “I’m gonna need for you to finish up the Smith file by EOD so I can take credit for it first thing in the morning.”

SOL – Sh*# Out of Luck. Ex. “I wish I would have ordered the Trout Bisque Soup because it looked really f-ing good, and Amy said it was really f-ing good. But I didn’t, and now I’m SOL.”

SOB – Son of a Bitch. Ex. “Bill Brasky is an SOB. Did you know he hated Mexicans! And he was half-Mexican! …And he hated irony!”

SOS – Save our Souls. Ex. “Everyday at work I send out an SOS. Usually right around 2:30. It’s never been answered.”

TGIF – Thank God It’s Friday. Ex. “TGIF!” (BTW, if you encounter someone at your office who says this, punch them in the face. Then tell them you’ll murder their family if they ever say it again. Then tell them you have a case of the Monday’s. Even though it’s Friday.)

BTW – By The Way. Ex. “BTW, I hate you.”

BFF – Best Friends Forever. The waiter at HB wanted to be BFFs with all of us. He was super attentive, friendly, and helpful. And after every single order he said, “Beautiful Beautiful.” I don’t know why. Ex. “Scott Skiles and John Paxson are BFFs.”


That concludes today’s lesson. I just had a huge coffee and am about to have a BM in my pants. I know, TMI.


If I lived nearby HB where I could walk I’d probably eat here pretty often. But since I don’t, this will probably be the first and last time I go. Fist bump.



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.

Everyday Gourmet

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: Everyday Gourmet
Location: 1216 Waukegan Road, Glenview, IL


When I knew I was going to have a kid I thought, “No sweat. It won’t change my life that much. I’ll still have plenty of time to do the things I want to do.” Any father (or parent) out there is giggling like a schoolgirl right now. That’s because they knew having a kid does change your life. Completely. (Some would say it doesn’t change your life – it ends it. But we’re splitting hairs here.) So my free time has been more limited than I thought it would be. Sure, I still have time to eat. A lot. But now I just don’t find as much time to write about it. I apologize. To all four of you reading this.

Anyway, my friends Denny and Megan got married a couple of weeks ago, and the wedding and reception were at A New Leaf on Wells in Olde Towne (or is it Old Town? I feel like I always see it as “Old Town”, but if it were really old then wouldn’t it have the bizarre spelling with the “e” at the end of each word? Should I even care?). Here are my quick-hit thoughts on the event:

- A New Leaf is a great venue for an event. It’s small enough to feel cool and intimate, but big enough with a cool floor plan to allow everyone to spread out so you’re not on top of each other. Plus they have an outdoor area that wasn’t even open, which looked really cool as well. If you’re having an event for 150 people or less, it’s worth checking out.
- When you’re wife is wearing a dress and heels, making her walk five blocks in the cold and extreme wind is not a good idea. Unless you don’t want to have sex. Then it’s a great idea.
- Denny and Megan only had hors d’oeuvres for the reception, which terrified me. Especially since I didn’t have time to eat before the wedding. No way it would be enough food for me, let alone the other people at the event, right?
- A New Leaf doesn’t serve food, so you have to bring in an outside caterer. Denny and Megan went with Everyday Gourmet.
- I love open bars. They involve the words “booze” and “free” (not necessarily in that order). All-you-can-drink free drinks combined with hors d’oeuvres leads to, well, you can guess. Mostly bad things.
- The Chicken Chipotle on Tortilla Chip with Avocado and Crème was great. I had at least three of these. Not my favorite HD (hors d’oeuvres, which is an extremely hard word to type) of the night, but it was a nice change of pace. Felt like chips and dip, except someone did all the work of dipping for you, so all you had to do was take the chip and eat it.
- Bowties are making a comeback. Take my word for it.
- The other problem with being a dad and not getting a chance to write as often as I want is that sometimes I forget things that I ate. So some of this recap is my best guess.
- I loved the Virginia Crab Cakes with Roasted Red Pepper Lime Aioli. They were really easy to eat, kind of filling, but light enough that you could quickly down two or three before the HD lady tried to walk away so other guests could get a taste. I had somewhere between 8 and 14 of these. And that’s only because they stopped bringing them out.
- I was on the treadmill the other day (no joke) watching TV and listening to my iPod (which is this cool little device that stores all your music in “digital” form. That’s right, no more Walkman strapped to your arm and 12 cassette tapes stored in your fanny pack while you workout. They’re really convenient, these iPods. You should think about getting one.) when an iPod commercial came on. I really couldn’t believe my eyes. How the hell did Victoria Beckham (a.k.a. Posh Spice) get her own iPod commercial? Was it because the Spice Girls were getting ready to tour again? Did she have a new solo album out I didn’t know about? I really was amazed. And a little bit impressed. Maybe she did have some talent I wasn’t aware of. Then the end of the commercial comes on and it says, “Mary J Blige Work That”. My jaw dropped. Um, what? What happened to Mary J Blige? She used to be the Queen of Hip Hop Soul. And now she’s ripping off Posh Spice’s look so bad that when you silhouette the two of them you can’t tell ‘em apart. I had to watch the commercial again (on youtube.com, which is a website filled with tons and tons of videos. Again, if you haven’t checked it out, you should) just to see if my eyes failed me. They hadn’t. Not only that but Blige was just about as skinny as Posh. I’m not sure what to make of Mary J anymore. Do I give her a mulligan? Was it a coincidence? Or did Mary J try to make herself look like a white pop chick from England? I can’t talk about it anymore. Every time the commercial comes on I get sick.
- If someone sends you a video called “2 Girls, 1 Cup”, don’t watch it. Even if your life depends on it. You’ll never eat again.
- The first thing I ate that night were the Phyllo Purses filled with Spinach and Feta Cheese (or was it the Artichoke Hearts on Toasted Bread Round with Parmesan & Onion? I can’t be sure. I just know that it tasted a lot like spinach and artichoke dip, which is a good thing.). I loved ‘em. I think I had five on the first two passes. Then I started going out of my way to find them. Luckily there were plenty. Either people feel bad eating a lot of free food (though they don’t feel bad drinking a lot of free booze) or I’m extremely fat. It’s one or the other. Or both. Either way I got my fill. If I ate less than 14 I’d be shocked.
- Thank god the Bears god rid of their Defensive Coordinator and their #1 running back. All Ced Benson had proved in his (brief) time as a Bear was that he wasn’t that durable, wasn’t that quick, wasn’t that fast, and didn’t hit holes that well. Why not make him the #1 back? Oh, and I was really pumped up about Adam Archuleta. A safety that can’t cover anyone but is known for being a big hitter. Except that he’s missed about every tackle he’s attempted this year. They are almost unwatchable right now.
- And the Bulls. Yikes. I still think they’ll be OK (they never play well in November), but I’m concerned. I was thinking a #3 seed in the East. Now I’m hoping for a #7 or #8 seed.
- The Seared Scallops on Cucumber Round were also enjoyable. Scallops are a lot like pork chops in my opinion. 90% of the time they’re good, fine, enjoyable, etc… 8% of the time they are holy-crap good. And the other 2% they’re terrible. These fell in the 90% range. Nothing special, but good enough that I enjoyed about five of them.
- I think there was another HD that I can’t remember. Maybe a tuna something? Maybe served on a radish slice? I can’t remember. Probably says a lot about whether or not it was any good.
- I’ve never seen anyone dance like Denny’s brother, Tim. His legs did things I’ve never seen before. From now on he’ll be known as Licorice Legs, whether he likes it or not.
- I think he gets it from his mom, who was tearing up the dance floor at will.
- And Marty’s enthusiasm on the dance floor can’t be matched. Moves pretty good for a big man.
- I hate Joakim Noah. Can’t explain it. No reason other than looking at him makes me want to punch him in the face. I feel the same way about Brian Cardinal.
- The last HDs of the night were the “sliders”. I feel like every place calls mini cheeseburgers/hamburgers “sliders” now. Let’s get one thing clear, the only “sliders” are from White Castle, and their called “Slyders”. Now that we’ve cleared that up, lets get back to the mini burgers at the reception. Were they good? Were they great? Were they terrible? Well, I was somewhere between 8 and 52 drinks into the night, so as far as I’m concerned they were the best things I’d ever eaten. All five of them.
- There is nothing more fun than doing the Soulja Boy to Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone”. It just works.
- The dessert buffet was done by Bittersweet. There was a lot of chocolate. It was good. I was happy. And they had mint Whoppers (well, probably Whopper impersonators, but still good. And I mean the candy, not the burger), which I’ve never had. And I couldn’t stop eating them. We even got a little parting gift which was a small box filled with them.
- I was terrified that the HDs weren’t going to be enough. And they weren’t. They were more than enough.


Everyday Gourmet gets a solid Chest Tap. A New Leaf gets a Chest Bump. Alcohol gets a half handshake, half chest bump hug.



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.