HB

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars



Restaurant: HB
Location: 3404 N Halsted


Welcome back to Career Advice 101 with your professor, Born To Fork. In the first class we learned how to get ahead by doing as little as possible at work. In today’s lecture we’ll learn about the importance of acronyms, what they mean, and when to use them. Let’s begin.


HB - HB used to stand for Hearty Boys, who were Steve McDonagh and Dan Smith. BITD they became famous for winning the Food Network reality show The Next Food Network Star. They were (and still are) caterers, but after winning the show they opened HB. Now Joncarl Lachman, who’s been the executive chef since the day HB opened, owns the place. But, since the Hearty Boys are no longer involved, he decided to change the name. To HB. Except now it stands for Home Bistro. Ex. “Let’s go get dinner at HB.”

BITD – Back In The Day. Ex. “BITD they became famous for winning the Food Network reality show The Next Food Network Star.”

BM – Bowel Movement. These are very important parts of the workday. It’s your chance to take a 15-minute break, get away from everyone, and have some alone time. I highly recommend printing out your favorite Internet articles or blogs (BTF is a great option) to read while having a BM. Plus, you’ll look busy holding a stack of paper on your way to the bathroom. Ex. “That burrito gave me a BM.”

ASAP – As Soon As Possible. Ex. “I want to go home ASAP.”

PDQ – Pretty Darn Quickly. Ex. “With our reservation at HB, we got to sit down PDQ.”

BTF – Born To Fork. Ex. “It’s amazing how much I learn from reading BTF.”

IOU – I Owe You. An IOU can be used in place of actual money to let someone know that you’ll pay them back with real currency at a later date. Sometimes you can IOU with favors or chores rather than money. FYI, the people at HB don’t take too kindly to IOUs. Luckily the prices are incredibly reasonable. I think each couple paid about $80 for dinner, which is pretty decent considering we all had apps, entrees, and dessert. Ex. “IOU an HJ.”

FYI – For Your Information. Ex. “FYI, there is no valet parking at HB, and finding spots on the street are hard to come by. If you can, take a cab. Or a bus. Or walk.”

HJ – A 6 star rating on BTF. Ex. “Nothing at HB was worthy of an HJ.”

WTF – What The F#@K? Seriously, WTF? How many Bring It On and American Pie movies can they make? There’s Bring It On, which is the original movie. Then Bring It On Again, which was the sequel, starring nobody, where a bunch of college kids can’t make the college squad so they start their own squad and have a cheer off. Then there’s the STV classic Bring It On: All or Nothing, starring Hayden Panettiere (from Heroes, and I have no idea how she got sucked into doing this movie) and Solange Knowles (Beyonce’s sister). And most recently the STV Bring It On: In It to Win It, starring a whole cast of nobody’s. Ex. “There’s another American Pie movie? American Pie Presents: The Beta House? WTF? How do they keep making these? And why do people keep watching them? And why does Eugene Levy keep starring in them? WTF?”

PEI – Prince Edward Island. PEI is located in Canada, a bit Northwest of Maine. Last year while on our cruise around Europe we met a couple (Jeff and Debbie) from PEI who we hung out with a bunch and still keep in touch with. According to Jeff, PEI produces something like 80% of the world’s mussels for consumption. I don’t know whether or not that’s true, but I’m willing to go with it. It’s because of Jeff and Debbie that I decided to order the PEI Mussels in Beer Butter at HB. They sounded pretty interesting, and there aren’t a ton of places that have mussels on the menu, and the waiter highly recommended it, and the word “beer” was involved, and they were cooked in garlic, and they were served with truffle fries, so it seemed like the logical decision. And then I remembered why I don’t normally order mussels. They came out in this huge bowl filled with mussels and the beer broth. It looked like a giant soup. The problem was the mussels were still in the shell (as they should be). So to eat one you had to dig it out of the bowl, then dig out the mussel, then enjoy. It was way too much work for dinner. Or maybe just way too much work for me. Either way, I wasn’t in love with my choice. They tasted decent, but again, just too much work and a little too messy. Ex. “The PEI Mussels at HB are fun to look at, but difficult to eat. But the truffle fries are amazing and make up for the mussels. But next time I’ll avoid the PEI Mussels and just get a side order of the fries.”

STV – Straight To Video. Ex. “2 Girls, 1 Cup was most likely a STV release. After watching it I had a straight-to-losing-my-lunch release.

DD – Tig ol’ Bitties. Ex. “I would love to motorboat those DDs.”

D&D – Dungeons and Dragons. D&D is not to be confused with DDs. Those who play D&D almost never get to motorboat DDs. Ex. “You know how I know you’re gay? Because you play D&D.”

BYOB – Bring Your Own Booze (a.k.a. Bring Your Own Beer). HB is a BYOB restaurant. Which was a big reason for the reasonable tab at the end of the night. Ex. “HB is BYOB, and if you forget your B, you can always run across the street to 7-Eleven to pick some up.”

A.K.A. – Also Known As. Ex. “Josh Kell. A.K.A. Big Delicious.”

VIP – Very Important Person. There is no VIP section at HB. The place is very small and very quant. It’s a very intimate and friendly atmosphere. The waiter was great and really treated everyone like a VIP, which was refreshing. Ex. “After your holiday party, beware of the co-worker who asks you to go to VIPs for a drink.”

KISS – Keep It Simple Stupid. KISS is a great daily reminder of how you should go about your job. Keep it simple. Simple works. Bigger usually isn’t better. Different normally just ends up being different. But simple? Simple is easy. Simple is something everyone understands. Simple gets the job done. Ex. “Whoever came up with the desserts at HB must live by the motto KISS. Chocolate cake. Cupcakes. Ice Cream. Simple pleasures, done blissfully. I applaud you, HB.”

OMG – Oh My God! OMG is almost always used in email or texting form. It’s a quick, to-the-point way of saying “Wow!” Now I know “Wow!” is quick and too the point, but it isn’t nearly as fun as OMG. Ex. “I had the almond stuffed dates at HB and all I can say is OMG. They are dates, stuffed with an almond, wrapped in bacon, and baked with brown sugar. OMG.”

FUPA – Fat Upper Pu$&y Area. Ex. “Jane Doe has an insane FUPA.”

LOL – Laughing Out Loud. I used to think LOL stood for “Lots of Love”, and in some circles it probably does. But usually it’s used in emails or texts as a quick way to telling someone that something you said/wrote was funny, or to let you know that they are making a joke so you don’t take the joke personally. I frown upon any use of LOL. Same goes for emoticons. :( Ex. “OMG, I can’t believe you gained 7 lbs over the holidays. Maybe next time you should lay off the perogis and beer and desserts! You’re such a fatty! LOL! :)”

24/7 – 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I checked out the brunch menu while I was at HB and it looked incredible. And I’ve talked to people who have eaten there for brunch and loved it. The one thing that really stood out was the Crabcake Benedict. It just sounds really good. Ex. “I wish HB served their brunch menu 24/7.”

CYA – Cover Your Ass. My dad always complains that nobody picks up the phone anymore. Everyone just shoots an email over or an IM when it would be easier, and quicker, to walk down the hall or pick up the phone and talk to the person. What he doesn’t understand is that with an email there is a paper trail. So if something goes wrong you have what you need to CYA and blame the other person (this was covered in the first lecture). Ex. “CYA ASAP before you’re SOL and in the dog house.”

EOD – End of Day. Ex. “I’m gonna need for you to finish up the Smith file by EOD so I can take credit for it first thing in the morning.”

SOL – Sh*# Out of Luck. Ex. “I wish I would have ordered the Trout Bisque Soup because it looked really f-ing good, and Amy said it was really f-ing good. But I didn’t, and now I’m SOL.”

SOB – Son of a Bitch. Ex. “Bill Brasky is an SOB. Did you know he hated Mexicans! And he was half-Mexican! …And he hated irony!”

SOS – Save our Souls. Ex. “Everyday at work I send out an SOS. Usually right around 2:30. It’s never been answered.”

TGIF – Thank God It’s Friday. Ex. “TGIF!” (BTW, if you encounter someone at your office who says this, punch them in the face. Then tell them you’ll murder their family if they ever say it again. Then tell them you have a case of the Monday’s. Even though it’s Friday.)

BTW – By The Way. Ex. “BTW, I hate you.”

BFF – Best Friends Forever. The waiter at HB wanted to be BFFs with all of us. He was super attentive, friendly, and helpful. And after every single order he said, “Beautiful Beautiful.” I don’t know why. Ex. “Scott Skiles and John Paxson are BFFs.”


That concludes today’s lesson. I just had a huge coffee and am about to have a BM in my pants. I know, TMI.


If I lived nearby HB where I could walk I’d probably eat here pretty often. But since I don’t, this will probably be the first and last time I go. Fist bump.



Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.