Pointersaurus Challenge

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Pointer’s Delivery
Location: 1023 S. Big Bend


I come to you today humbled. I come to you today embarrassed. I come to you today less of a man.

I come to you today as a failure.

Yesterday, Jeff and I attempted the Pointersaurus Challenge at Pointer’s Delivery. And we failed. Miserably.

Here were some key takeaways before I tell you the whole story:

- Bacon actually doesn’t make everything better
- Our eyes, confidence, and appetites were much bigger than our actual stomachs
- The challenge is much, much, much harder than expected
- This was our first attempt, but it won’t be our last (at least not for me)

Before I even get into the who, what, when, where, why, and how let’s take a moment to look back at a couple of my other eating competitions (these two examples do not include me falling half a piece shy of finishing a large stuffed pizza at Pi last year for $20):

http://borntofork.blogspot.com/search?q=bacino%27s
http://borntofork.blogspot.com/search?q=J+Patrick%27s

So, clearly the precedent is that I never fair all that well with these things. But that didn’t stop me from trying.


THE RULES

Pointer’s has been doing the Pointersaurus Challenge since 2001. The rules are pretty simple. Eat a Pointersaurus in 60 minutes or less. The challenge starts at 3 o’clock every day, and only one team is allowed to compete per day. You can’t puke or use the restroom until after the 60 minutes is over. You have to choose at least two meat toppings, or four veggie toppings. You can’t leave the restaurant area for any reason during the competition. The clock starts on the first bite of pizza. No crusts left behind. No blotting grease with your napkin. And you have to pay for the pizza before you start ($50). And that’s about it. Pretty simple.


THE REWARD

$500. Plus your original $50 back, plus your name on the website. Plus the glory of finishing. Oh, and free soda or water while you eat.


THE PIZZA

28”. 12 lbs. Enough said.


THE SETUP

I’ve always wanted to do the Pointersaurus Challenge. Even years ago when I first heard about it, but finding someone to do it with me was always the real challenge. At work several weeks ago I was talking about it, and Jean said, “Jeff (her husband) will do it with you. He looooooves pizza.” Before I was even able to officially ask him my phone rang, and when I picked up all I heard was, “Whatever you have to do to set up a pizza eating contest, set that shit up.” Needless to say, he was in. So now that we had the players, we had to set up the event.


THE PREPERATION

Before deciding on the time and place, we first had to decide on the toppings. To do so we journeyed over there for dinner one night. We got two different pizzas – a ham and bacon and a pepperoni and sausage. We couldn’t come to terms on four veggies (as we both don’t enjoy mushrooms or olives), so meat was our only option. We both ate the pizzas with ease, giving us the confidence we needed moving forward. And neither of us liked the sausage, and we were both way into the ham and bacon, so we decided right then and there that it was the way we were gonna go. We told the guy we wanted to do the competition the following Friday, and he said, “The earliest opening I got is the 21st.” Wow. They were booked solid for two weeks, and there wasn’t a Friday open for weeks after that. So Tuesday the 21st it would be.

In the two weeks leading up I ate a ton of pizza, and big meals in general. Jeff did the same. In the days leading up I was drinking a gallon of water in 30 minutes about four times a day to stretch my stomach. I was peeing more than a pregnant chick. Or my dad. I wanted no excuse for not finishing, other than “I’m a pussy.”

The day of the event I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, a small salad around 11, and another gallon of water to curb my hunger until 3, and to keep the stomach nice and big. And the water would be out of my stomach by the time the eating commenced.

At 2:30 I headed over to meet my destiny.


THE COMPETITION

Jeff was already there with Jean and the kids. He had a big smile on his face. Not a worry in the world. I too was feeling pretty good at this point after spending a couple days convinced that I wouldn’t be able to hold up my end of the bargain. We said, “We’re here to destroy the Pointersauras.” “You’d be second guys to do it this week,” he told us. Turns out two doctors did it that Monday, so now the pressure was really on.

We ordered the pizza, paid, and sat patiently.

And after about 12 minutes, the pizza came out of the oven and onto our table. Jeff and I took one look at it, and then our eyes met. We didn’t even have to say anything. We both knew what the other was thinking; we got this.

“No problem,” he said.
“We’ll be done in 30 minutes, if not sooner. It’s almost too easy,” I responded.


(keep in mind I wear a size 13)

The guys behind the counter advised that we wait about 10 minutes for the pizza to cool a bit, since the clock didn’t start until we took our first bite. But Jeff was antsy. After waiting about five minutes we decided it was time to dig in.

I took a deep breath, reminded myself to just eat at my normal pace, and posed for the camera.

Then we both took a bite, and it was on.

Things were going really well. After about 10 minutes we each were on a pretty good pace, and if we were able to keep it up we’d have the thing finished in around 40 minutes. But keeping it up was the problem (and I swear I’ve never had an issue keeping it up. Except one time, but I’ll spare my wife the embarrassment and not share the story here.).

I can’t tell you how bad I was sweating. I took my shirt off five minutes into this thing and went with the tank top. If it wasn’t for the health department I think I would have gone shirtless. They keep the place at 110°, adding just one more obstacle to the challenge.

The pizza definitely had a lot more of the toppings than expected. When we did our test run they had just little itty-bitty pieces of bacon and ham, and there weren’t a ton of them. But on this thing they were cut a little bigger, and piled much, much higher. As Jeff said, these weren’t pieces of ham and bacon scattered on top, they were ham sandwiches and BLT’s on every piece of pizza.

And they were salty.

By the 15-minute mark I was struggling. The saltiness of the bacon just became more and more overwhelming. Every bite became a chore. By the 20-minute mark I was pretty much done, and at that point I was eating just to see how much more I could eat, and trying to at least match what Jeff was doing. But by the 25-minute mark he was pretty much cooked as well. As we both attempted to power along, we both had the same thought; “I don’t wanna puke.”

We then came to find out that the two guys the day before did puke. In fact, the one guy puked 6 seconds after the timer went off. All over the floor. So not only did the guys behind the counter have to dish out $500, plus a refund on the pizza, they had to also clean up a pile of pizza puke sitting in front of their counter. That, my friends, is what you call adding insult to injury.

The most enjoyable part of the challenge was hearing the stories of other competitors. Joey Chestnut (the hot dog eating champ) took the pizza down (with the help of his wife, supposedly) in 17 minutes, setting a record. And they said he ate at least ¾ of the pizza himself. Pretty impressive. And Eater X has also completed the challenge. Before the two doctors the day before us, the last pair to finish was a couple of ladies. Apparently their Mizzou football-playing boyfriends drove down and threw their hat in the ring, and failed miserably. And after properly taunting their boyfriends, they stopped by the next day and took the thing down themselves. Apparently they were a couple of “110 lb girls”, but the same guy who said that also said the doctors were skinny like me. So I’ll go out on a limb here and say the girls were probably more in the 150 lb range.

By the 40-minute mark it was officially over. Sure, we’d attempt a bite here or there, but it was futile. The size of the pizza, combined with the saltiness of the ham and bacon, were too much for us to overcome. The weird thing is I wasn’t stuffed, and if someone brought in a McDonald’s cheeseburger or an ice cream cone, I could have eaten it no problem. But I couldn’t eat any more of the pizza. Can’t explain it, that’s just the way it was.

When the bell rang we had completed just over half. Barely. The guys behind the counter were nice enough to tell us we did better than a lot of people, which made me feel a little better. Not much, but a little.





What did make me feel better was the fact that they said they have someone attempt it every single day, and that they’ve had 1,800 pairs attempt it, and only 17 have completed it.

So needless to say, this thing is no easy feat. I’ve run the Chicago Marathon the past two years in pretty hot weather, with a guy dying two years ago, and my buddy Cromie nearly dying this past year. And I can say for certain that I think the Pointersaraus Challenge is harder than a marathon.



THE AFTERMATH

There’s not much else to talk about. I’m ashamed. Jeff is ashamed. We thought we’d do better. Much better. The fact that we failed isn’t what pains us, the fact that we only finished half does. We thought we’d come up like seven or eight pieces short. Not twenty. Just a sad, sad display of manliness.

By the way, I really like the pizza at Pointer’s. I’d get it again (and will) outside of doing the challenge. Love their sauce. Love the cheese. Love everything except the sausage (and now the bacon).

Will I attempt the challenge again? Absolutely. Will Jeff? Yes, I think he will. Not with the expectation of finishing, but with the goal of doing better. Next time we won’t get the bacon, and might go with something like pepperoni and ham. I don’t know. We need to reflect, and regroup.

Pointersaurus, we’ll see you again in a couple months. And this time we’ll be ready.

Ready to fail.

But ready to fail a little bit less.


Pointer’s Pizza – Chest Bump

Pointersaurus Challenge - Half handshake, half chest-bump hug

Oh, and I just got some blood work back from the doctor, and apparently my cholesterol is through the roof. I'm assuming this isn't going to help.

Wild Flower

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Wild Flower
Location: 4590 Laclede Avenue


Folks, we have a winner! And by winner, I mean loser. I have finally found my least favorite restaurant in St. Louis (well, least favorite so far). I could tell you what I think, but why not let Wild Flower tell you a little something about themselves first:

“It's been said many times, the Wild Flower is the Midwest's answer to a Greenwich Village hot spot.”

That is a direct quote from their website, and easily the funniest thing I’ve read in the last five years. I’m curious as to who has said this many times? That’s like saying, “It’s been said many times, J.J. Redick is the NBA’s answer to stopping LeBron James.”

I think that the only redeeming quality of the place is the outdoor patio, and it was a little too cold for us to even enjoy it when we went. I started my meal off with the Lobster Bisque, as did Jen, who was sitting to my left. She took one bite, nearly vomited (maybe I’m exaggerating), and pushed it to the middle of the table. She couldn’t eat another bite. I asked, “What’s the problem?” And she said, “I hate cheese.” So I said, “But it’s Lobster Bisque, I don’t think it has cheese.” And she said, “Taste it.” So I said, “OK.” And I did. And it was Rotelle dip. The only thing missing was some tortilla chips and maybe a little chorizo. It was the worst Lobster Bisque I’d ever had. However, as cheese soup goes, it wasn’t terrible. And the waitress was not happy about Jen taking only one bite, which made it that much more enjoyable.

Next I got a side of the Gorgonzola Mashed and the Truffled Mac-n-Cheese. Both were disappointing. The Gorgonzola was very Gorgonzolaey, which I can’t kill them for. It was just a bit too much for me. But, if you LOVE Gorgonzola, then you’d probably love this dish. I was hoping for more of a hint of the Gorgonzola, not just Gorgonzola, but again, my fault, as it’s pretty clear on the menu what I was getting. And my expectations were probably too high on the Mac-n-Cheese. I figured the combination of Mac-n-Cheese and truffles would put this dish over-the-top, possibly in the best of the best category. But it didn’t. I was a little better than “just OK”, but not quite “above average”. Put it this way, if I was stuck eating here again and someone ordered it, I might sneak a bite, but I wouldn’t order it on my own again.

For dinner I went with the Bison Hanger Steak. This was one of those weird dishes where the first bite you take is really good, but by the last bite you’re pretty under whelmed and kind of wish you’d gotten something else. It’s kind of like the first time you get an HJ and you’re pretty excited and think it’s awesome because it’s the first time a girl (or guy, if that’s your thing, or your camp councilor, depending on what a creep your camp councilor was) has touched you down there. But by the 8th or 9th time she’s doing it you’re bored and concentrating to just keep it up and all you can think about is the fact that you could do this to yourself in the comfort of your own shower, except it would be ten times better, and you just wish she’d stop or make a move down there with her mouth. And now I think I’ve said too much. Anyway, the Bison Hanger Steak was kind of like that. I did like the mashed potatoes it came with, but the green beans were way undercooked (which is probably how they’re supposed to be cooked, but I hate them that way).

Here are some of the other comments that were flying around the table of 12:

“Anybody want a taste of the tomato paste they piled on top of my pasta?”
“The fish is good, but that wheat pasta tastes like cardboard.”
“If you’re into freezer burn then you should try a bite of the ice cream.”
“My sex is on fire.”
“I hate your friends.”
“Um, we’ve been here for over an hour, when do you think she’ll take our order.”
“I wonder what she looks like naked.”

And the final “I hate this pace” kicker? The bill for Amy and I was $120 with tip. Yikes. I’m not saying $120 is expensive, as I’m happy to pay it for a decent meal. But for what we just ate, I would have felt ripped off if I was paying $50. Lucky for them the whole dinner was for charity, so I was happy to pay the $120 knowing it was going to a good cause (assuming they passed the money along, of course).

Wild Flower, I hope our paths never, ever, ever cross again.

Fone and fone.

St. Louis Randomness: Part 2

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


St. Louis Randomness: Part 2


Restaurant: Revival
Location: 3800 Chouteau

Revival is the old King Louie spot. I bring this up only because we had told at least five different people we were going to Revival, and every one of them had the same reaction: “What’s that?” But once you said, “It’s the new restaurant in the old King Louie spot”, they knew what you were talking about. So somehow everyone knew about King Louie’s, but nobody knew about Revival. And somehow I knew about Revival, but had never heard of King Louie’s. And right now you’re saying, “I still don’t know why you bring this up.” And I don’t really have an answer for that.

I love the building, inside and out. Very cozy and rustic, with a great outdoor patio. Although from what I understand it looks exactly as it did when it was King Louie’s. It sounds like the only thing that has really changed is the menu.

I was excited to try it out because I had heard a lot of good things from a bunch of different friends. But in the end, I thought it was just OK.

We started things off with the pulled pork sliders, the calamari, and the braised ribs. The pork was OK. Was disappointed that it was really just two normal-size pulled pork sandwiches, so we had to cut them in half for everyone to get a sample. Nothing special about them either, and definitely better options on the menu. Same goes for the calamari. Again, not bad, just typical calamari, but the dipping sauce had a nice spice to it. The real winner was the braised ribs. It was a huge rack of them, so plenty for everyone at the table to enjoy. Great rub on them, meat just falling off the bone. Not much else you could ask for.

For dinner I got the chorizo-stuffed pork tenderloin. You couldn’t taste the chorizo, and the pork was a tad over-cooked. Loved the sauce on the dish, but otherwise it was pretty underwhelming. My wife got the meatloaf, which was pretty good. Not sure I’d ever get it as my entrée, but I like being able to sneak a couple bites of it off someone else’s plate. Also got a side of hush puppies, which were delicious. They’re no Long John Silver’s, but still pretty good.

And for dessert we got a slice of the Dr. Pepper chocolate cake, and a couple pieces of the CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON!!!!!! Everyone looked at me like I was crazy for ordering the CHOCOLATE COVERED BACON, and then they looked disgusted as I ate it. Apparently they didn’t get the memo that bacon makes everything better. Even chocolate. They actually tasted a lot like chocolate covered pretzels, but worse for you. After everyone had a bite they all agreed that I wasn’t crazy, and that they were pretty tasty.

Three other things I wanted to mention. 1) The whole place smelled like smoke. And there were only two people in the whole restaurant smoking. That’s the problem with smoke, once it’s soaked into the woodwork it never leaves. And by the smell of it, it’s been soaked in for about 30 year. On the plus side the smoke covered up the smell of ass in the bathroom. 2) They kept coming by to grab empty plates, and more than once took my wife’s fork before she was done using it. Very awkward. 3) It was expensive for what it was. I’m all for good comfort food, but it should also be priced appropriately. The apps are priced right, and same with the desserts. It’s just the entrees that are over-priced (except for the burger, which is $8). We spent $90 (with tip) a couple and did order a $30 bottle of wine (and way too many apps), but even if you didn’t drink, I still feel like the whole experience was $15 - $20 too expensive. Maybe $10 if you ordered like a normal person.



Restaurant: Winslow’s
Location: 7213 Delmar

When we were living in U-City this was one of my favorite places to visit. Just a great, down-to-earth feel for an over-priced neighborhood convenience store. No matter what you need, whether it’s a shovel, toys, books, candy, bread, milk, butter, rubber ducks, or whatever you can think of, this place somehow seems to have it. And the little walk up kitchen in the back is best described as “cute”. The menu has just a couple things to choose from for each meal, but you can somehow still find something that you want. And there’s pastries and baked goods as well. I’ve always enjoyed everything I’ve eaten here, even if I think it’s a couple bucks more than it should be. But in the summer, you can’t beat sitting on the large front patio on Delmar drinking a coffee or beer (depending on the time of day) and noshing on whatever it is they have on the menu that day.



Restaurant: Nacho Mammas
Location: 9574 Indian Meadows Dr.


It’s good fast-food Mexican and Tex-Mex food. But, it’s also really expensive fast-food Mexican and Tex-Mex food. Tony and I went there for a lunch date and I spent $25 for the two of us. And there were no beers or margaritas involved.

I got the Tex-Mex sample platter, which has a taco, an enchilada, and a hard-shell taco type of thing. And some beans. It was fine, and I really liked the hard-shell thing, but I still can’t get over the price. I shouldn’t be spending that kind of money on a place with a drive-thru. And if I am spending that much, I shouldn’t be able to walk afterwards. I was so un-full that we went to Baskin-Robbins and killed some ice cream (the York Peppermint Patty Mint is really good).

So I can’t say that I’d go back. For that kind of money I can go someplace and sit down and have a waiter, and enjoy the same (or, most likely, better) quality of food.



Revival: Fist bump
Winslow’s: Chest bump
Nacho Mama’s: High five with a manly ass slap

St. Louis Randomness: Part 1

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


St. Louis Randomness: Part 1

I’ve got a lot of catching up to do, so rather than spend a couple hours trying to spit out one crappily written review, I’m going to spend a couple hours spitting out several crappily written reviews. And again, I’m pretty far behind, so I’m splitting this up into two parts. Ratings for each are at the very end of the review. Enjoy. Or don’t. I don’t give an F either way.



Restaurant: Racanelli’s
Location: 6655 Delmar (U City) and 8161 Big Bend (Webster)


I actually have two different reviews here, because there’s the newly opened Racanelli’s Cucina next to where I work, and the classic Racanelli’s that’s a couple blocks from my house.

When the new Cucina opened up on Delmar I was excited. It had a lot going for it: newly renovated and relatively nice inside restaurant that would be great for client meetings, a bar with flat screen TVs that would be perfect for March Madness, outdoor seating that would be great for the summer, and they still had the classic walk up window where you could get a typical NY slice or calzone.

The whole idea behind the Cucina was that it would be more of a full menu with pastas and wood oven pizzas (or coal, or something) that were a little different from their NY style at the takeout window. The first time I went there I loved it. They have a lunch special where for only $9 you can get a pizza (they only offer once size) and a salad. And the pizza is incredibly big and filling. Classic pizza crust with mozzarella, not some crappy 6” thin crust that just makes you made you didn’t get lunch someplace else. And it was good. But the next two times I went weren’t so good, and in fact, one of the pizzas actually made me sick in more ways than one. And I’ve got an iron stomach, so the normal human being doesn’t stand a chance.

Luckily I’ve never had that problem at the normal Racanelli’s in Webster. Since moving my wife and I have eaten there just about every week. It’s become a bit of a Friday night staple because it’s close and we like the taste. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t the best NY-style pizza joint in the world (or even St. Louis, which I would award to La Pizza). It’s too greasy, a little too heavy (which I know doesn’t make sense, but it’s the best way I can think to describe what it is I think I mean), and the service is a little too suspect. But it’s close, the slices are big, and you know what your getting when you go there. And their calzones aren’t too bad either. Can’t say the same about their terrible salads.




Restaurant: Joey B’s (On the Hill)
Location: 2524 Hampton


I could tell you all about how Joey B’s is a pretty good place to watch a sporting event. I could tell you about the good-looking waitstaff and bartender who will make you question all the decisions you’ve made in your life. I could tell you about the spinach and artichoke dip that had just the right amount of garlic. I could even tell you about the bacon and salami covered St. Louis-style pizza that I somehow didn’t hate even though I hate St. Louis-style pizza.

But I won’t waste your time with any of that. Instead, I want to tell you about the pretzel bites. These were little round balls of the most deliciousness you’ll ever eat. First, they come in a bowl, not on a plate. This is important because the bites are COVERED (yes, ALL CAPS COVERED) in butter. So much so, in fact, the bottom of the bowl has a pool of it that continues to coat the bites as they sit in front of you. And they are so soft and chewy, yet have just the slightest amount of crispiness when you bite into them. They are perfect. I can only describe them as pretzel-flavored donuts. And I haven’t even mentioned the cheese sauce that comes with it. We had five orders of it while watching the Mizzou game last week. And frankly, I’m mad we only got five. If Joey B’s wanted to improve their pizza they would just cover it with these pretzel bites and cheese.



Restaurant: Robust
Location: 227 W Lockwood


Went there a couple of weeks ago with some friends, and overall I really enjoy this place. The atmosphere is laid back, and there’s like three sections of the place. There’s the wine store part, where you can buy bottles and glasses and other wine-related stuff. And the tables near this section actually feel like tasting tables in a wine shop rather than part of a wine bar. Then there’s the bar section, with the actual bar and all the tables that surround it. And then there’s kind of a back room that is walled off from the bar area. We sat in this last section, which is nice with a large group of people because it’s a little quieter and makes it easier to talk. But, it’s also missing that charm that the other two sections have. The back room is quiet and kinda boring, while the front of the place is packed with people, loud, and feels like there’s some action going on. And that’s the kind of thing that I prefer. What I’m taking way too long to say is, sit in the front, not the back (which might be the only time I ever prefer the front over the back).

The food is just so-so. The flatbreads and soup were really good, but everything else was just very average, if not below it. And I feel like everything tries to sound fancier than it really is. For example, they have this artichoke dish with some special cheese and what not, but it’s just spinach and artichoke dip, except served on a plate instead of a bowl. And it’s not all that good. I did get a bowl of the Robust chowder, which was the soup special, and it was probably the best thing I ate. Not enough to fill you up, but that, combined with a flatbread, and you’d be making the best of the menu. And again, the food is more of a tasting-menu-and-share-with-friends type of thing – and that’s never going to be my cup of tea. So take this with a grain of salt. Or an entire shaker.

But the wine is great. The waiter did a great job of up selling us from a $30 bottle of Malbec to a $70 bottle. But it was one of the best wines I’d ever had. So good, in fact, that we ordered a second bottle. It was the Catena Alta, from Mendoza, vintage 2004 (I know what none of that means, but it translates to “really fucking tasty and you walk out nice and tipsy”).

I’d go back for drinks in a heartbeat, but when I’m looking for a good dinner, I’ll be heading somewhere else. However, the food is pretty reasonably priced, so if you’re just looking for an inviting place to have good drinks and enjoy nice service, and food is just something you’ll nibble on so you don’t pass out at the table, then Robust is your place.



Restaurant: Dickey’s
Location: 9200 Olive


Um, do you like crappy BBQ that you can barely stomach? Then Dickey’s is the place for you! Beef brisket that tastes like roast beef that will give you food poisoning? They got it! Mac and cheese that tastes like water yet is somehow 600 calories? Step right up! Do you like free ice cream cones? Yeah, me too, actually. But other than that, BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Racanelli’s Cucina: Hand shake with a manly ass slap
Racanelli’s: Fist bump
Joey B’s: Chest bump
Robust: Fist bump
Dickey’s: Fone and fone