Stratton's Cafe

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Stratton’s Cafe
Location: 8103 Big Bend



My co-worker Kelly knows I love breakfast. And she’s been bored to tears listening to me talk about all the great breakfast/brunch places in Chicago. She finally reached her breaking point and told me I had to at least check out Stratton’s before poo-pooing the awful breakfast/brunch options here in the Lou.

But here’s the problem: Kelly has terrible taste buds. She was the one who implored me to check out Niche and Agave, and both were very overrated. And those are just two examples out of about 50 that I have in my repertoire of Kelly and her horrible opinions (and I mean that in the nicest possible way). So when she said that Stratton’s was her favorite breakfast spot in the city, I was more than a little skeptical.

We recently moved about three blocks away, so I was out of excuses. And just to make sure I gave it a fair shake, I’ve been there four times in the past three weeks. I’ve tried a wide variety of menu items, including an egg sandwich, two different kinds of pancakes, French toast, and biscuits and gravy. So I think I’m finally ready to make an educated decision on Stratton’s. And while I could make you wait to the end, I’ll spare you the suspense. According to my wife, it’s just OK, and according to me, it’s solid but nothing special.

The pancakes are probably my favorite things that I’ve gotten. The classic buttermilk are fluffy and sweet. You don’t even need syrup if you don’t want (but who wouldn’t want syrup). My son loves them, and typically devours one by himself (they’re pretty big, so that’s actually impressive, considering his age). And the chocolate chip pancakes are even better. But, my wife said the buckwheat aren’t all that good, and she even added syrup to them.

The egg sandwich was the next best thing on the menu. There really wasn’t anything special about it, but it was tasty. But it doesn’t come with any side items. You have to order them separately. They’re already charging almost four bucks for the sandwich, so they should go ahead and charge an extra buck and give you the choice of hash browns or toast or fruit or something. Because you don’t really think about a side item when you order, and then when you’re sandwich comes out you’re like, “No hash browns or fruit? FML.” And then you have to go back up and order. You’ve been warned, so just keep that in mind.

The biscuits and gravy are pretty good. Not too thick, not too watery, and plenty of gravy. My only complaint is that it doesn’t taste that much different than gravy out of a can. And it’s probably homemade; it’s just that it doesn’t have that delicious homemade taste I was looking for.

The French toast was terrible, but I’ll take the blame for that. Under the French toast section I saw “Banana” and had my wife order it for me. But when it came out I knew I was in trouble. It was covered in yogurt and granola. I had a bite, and immediately went up and ordered pancakes instead. Here’s the problem, I hate yogurt. And after looking at the menu again it clearly read “Banana, Yogurt & Fresh Granola”. For some reason I thought that meant they had two different kinds of specialty French toast, with one being banana, and the other being Yogurt & Granola. But it’s not. It’s just one big load of crap. Oh well. Lesson learned.

The atmosphere is cozy, but sometimes you feel rushed to eat and get out to open up a table for people waiting. At least the coffee is good. I still think it’s just a tad pricey for what it is, but it’s not ridiculous or anything.

So, Kelly wasn’t wrong. But she wasn’t right either. Fist bump.

The Shaved Duck

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: The Shaved Duck
Location: 2900 Virginia


The Shaved Duck recently retooled their menu to focus on their American (primarily BBQ) offerings. I have no idea what the menu was before, but from what I gather it was more upscale European and American combo offerings. People seemed to like it, from everything I’ve read, so I’m not sure why they changed things. But in the end, I’m glad they did, because it seems like everything on the menu is now smoked.

Amy and I went there on a Saturday night at 8 p.m. with Brandon, Lisa, Gina, and Bob. The wait was just over 45 minutes. This really isn’t that big of a surprise when you factor in the fact that the place has a really small dining room (about 10 tables), and two tables up by the bar. So if you go there between 6:30 and 8:30 on the weekend, expect to wait. The question is, was it worth the wait?

Let’s start with the name, The Shaved Duck. Where does it come from and what does it mean? The answer is that I have no idea. But it sounds like a strip club, or a porn movie, or a cool new sex move I haven’t learned about yet. And I think that’s what really intrigued me about the place. I didn’t care what kind of food it had, or how many menus they’ve retooled, with a name like Shaved Duck I was going to check it out.

The atmosphere is great. Very small and intimate (translation: crowded and loud), with a diverse crowd that seems very local. Our waitress was very friendly and attentive, but Lisa would like it noted that the hostess (or waitress or bartender, I can’t remember which) was very rude when they first arrived. Apparently Lisa was trying to get out of the way (again, large crowd crammed in a very small bar/waiting area) and allegedly backed into a corner that also happened to be near a table or something, and the waitress/hostess/bartender came up and said something to the extent of an “I don’t think so, honey.” While I’m butchering the story, the point is Lisa wasn’t happy about it. And she’ll hold a grudge like nobody’s business, so it would be in the best interest of The Shaved Duck to issue an apology.

We started things off by ordering some apps for the table, including the Duck Fat Frites, Duck Confit Flatbread, and some dish that had smoked pulled pork served over an apple. I’ll start with the Frites. After we’d decided where we were going for dinner I went and checked out the menu online and was nearly touching myself over the fact that they had Duck Fat Frites. When we got to Shaved Duck I couldn’t stop talking about them. I loved the duck fat fries at Hot Doug’s (in Chicago, of course), and I was thinking these would be just as good. And I think I made everyone else believe they’d be that good as well. But instead they’re just plain terrible. I think the problem is they’re truly Frites, which is French for really fucking skinny potato strings. Nobody at the table liked them, and I lost a ton of credibility because of it. And it’s not like I’m working with a bunch of cred to begin with, so I really wasn’t happy. Luckily the other apps more than compensated. The flatbread was really, really good. The bread was a little thinner and crispier than I’m used to, but it didn’t affect the dish as a whole. The duck was sparse, which made it taste that much better. You really savored and appreciated the few bites of it there were. And the sauce they had on top of it really added to the dish. I was really happy about it. And the smoked pork on the apple was amazing. The apple was just whatever, but the pork is what made it. Just perfect. We decided that anytime you smoke something, it takes it to another lever. And this pork was no exception.

After the apps I got my meal started with one of the four chilis on the menu. And I couldn’t help but get the Smoked Tomato & Smoked Peppers dish. To my surprise it literally was only tomatoes and peppers. No beans. No meat. No nothing. Just tomatoes and peppers. But they were smoked. And they were delicious. It honestly was one of the best chilis I’ve ever had. Now, whether or not you really consider it chili is another story. And I’m not in the mood to debate it here.

For dinner I went with the Loaded Baked Potato. Now, it may not sound like much, but here is how it read on the menu: “Couple hours smoked, four hours in the pit, loaded with pulled pork & white cheddar.” Sounded like the kind of thing I couldn’t pass up. I also got a side of the mac and cheese, which came highly recommended by the waitress. The potato was huge, which I guess makes sense because it is an entrée. And it was smoked, so I was pretty sure there’s no way this thing could go wrong. And of course, I was wrong. It was really dry, and I was expecting the potato to be cooked alone, and then the pork and cheese loaded up on top before it came out to the table. But there really wasn’t that much pork or cheese, and it felt like it was all cooked together for four hours. The cheese was hard and crusty. I didn’t finish the whole thing, if that tells you anything, and I needed a ton of the homemade BBQ sauce (which was good) to finish what I did. And I know I’m not crazy, because Brandon also ordered it and he had the exact same review. In fact, I stole my review from him. But the mac and cheese more than made up for it. Vermont cheddar and cream. Just divine (I can’t believe I just wrote that either). Not too cheesy, not too creamy, just perfect. I demand everyone who goes here get it.

Other bites of food that I stole from others at the table were the Jalapeno Cream Corn (amazing), pulled pork sandwich (just OK), and Baked Beans (really good). But the best thing I ate the entire meal was the cornbread. Lisa ordered it as part of her meal and it was too die for. Cooked and served in a skillet, soft, warm, and great butter smeared all over it. I think I could make a meal out of the chili, mac and cheese, and cornbread. Lisa also said the Duck was really good, so I’ll take her word for it.

And then there was dessert. Supposedly handmade by one of the cook’s moms. The gooey butter cake brownie was the tits. And the apple crisp was worth the calories as well. The peanut butter pie was actually too rich, but then again, being too rich is something I rarely complain about.

And when the bill came, it was $60 per couple. Read that again. That includes all the food we had, and all the drinks. We actually checked the bill because we couldn’t believe it. I was so happy I tipped the waitress $20 (which forced everyone else to do the same thing, which I’m sure they were really happy about). But again, $80 for Amy and I. You can’t beat that for good food.

And there you have it. A lot of stuff is smoked. Smoked stuff is delicious (usually). The cornbread and mac and cheese will make you finish in your pants (as will the chili, but that’s only if you’re into that sort of thing, which some people aren’t, but everyone is into cornbread and mac and cheese). And don’t eff with Lisa.

Fist bump with a manly ass slap. I was waffling on the rating, and wanted to give it just a little more, but the baked potato really hurt The Shaved Duck. But, just to be clear, I love eating Shaved Duck. I could eat it every day. I can’t wait until the next time I get to eat Shaved Duck.

Cicero's

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Cicero’s
Location: 6691 Delmar


Back before I gave myself the nickname The Big Delicious, I was given another nickname by my best bud Mike. After I started dating my wife, Amy, he called me Zima. Why? Because he claimed that I had become a water-downed version of my original self. And it stuck.

Now, you’re probably saying, “I don’t believe it. There’s nothing watered down about you.” (At least I’d like to think you’re saying that) But I have proof. When I first lived in St. Louis after college Amy and I discovered that we looooooooved the thick-crust pizza at Cicero’s. I specify thick crust because they also offer the horrible St. Louis-style pizza, which is disgusting and I don’t even like to admit they offer it. But the thick crust is the goods. Huge doughy fluffiness topped with a delicious tomato sauce, and then covered with heaping portions of mozzarella (and only mozzarella). But Amy lived in Columbia, MO and I lived in the LOU, so we only got to enjoy Cicero’s when she came and visited. You’d assume that would be often, but I lived with four other guys, and my room was in the flooding basement, so her visits were few and far between. One Valentine’s Day I wanted to do something special, but also something affordable, so I went to Cicero’s and asked them if I could buy all the ingredients for the pizza so that I could bake it fresh for Amy in Columbia. Surprisingly they were happy to do it. They filled up a canister of dough, a container of their sauce, their special spice, tons of their cheese, and some pepperoni. And I took those ingredients with me all the way to Columbia, put them together on a pizza stone, and made the best god damn Cicero’s pizza I could. That is a great example of how much I liked Cicero’s, and why I earned the nickname Zima.

So, since moving back I had only been to Cicero’s twice (mind you I work about twenty steps away), but for some reason I found myself there three times in the past week. Seemed like a good time to give you my thoughts about the place as a whole.

I don’t need to elaborate much on the pizza. It’s delicious, and probably my second favorite pizza in St. Louis (behind Katie’s). It’s thick and amazing and filling (that’s what she said). But don’t confuse it for Chicago-style. It’s just thick, not stuffed. The best one is the Sicilian followed by the Super Pig, for what it’s worth.

Before I recap what I ordered there the past week, let me also say I’ve had a couple of the pastas there and they are very typical, and very satisfying. Are they “great” or “unique”? No. But they are tasty and filling. And really, pasta all tastes the same, unless it’s done really, really well.

On my first visit this past week I got the Cicero’s Special Salad with the fat-free raspberry vinaigrette. The salad comes with all the things you’d expect, along with pepperoni, ham, salami, and egg. It’s not huge, but all the meats make it really filling, so the size actually is perfect. I’m sure the dressing just comes out of a giant can and isn’t different from anything else 100 other St. Louis restaurants serve, but the meats are a great combo that compliment each other well. The price tag is $7.99, which I think is about $1 too much. Why $1? I don’t know, but as it stands, it’s the same price as their wraps, and that doesn’t seem right.

Speaking of the wraps, that’s what I ordered the third time I went. Specifically, the Chicken Teriyaki Wrap. They say it has lots of vegetables, and they weren’t lying. Not that I’m a big vegetable guy, but the fact that this thing is like 50% chicken and 50% veggies is a great balance. It makes it filling, but also more flavorful. The sauce is actually really good as well. It does taste like it’s somewhat fresh and not out of a can (which it could be, for all I know), and the wrap is grilled and is piping hot, which is nice. But what’s weird is that the sum is not greater than the parts (or however that saying goes). Something about it just makes it “OK”. But it does come with fries (or onion rings, if your heart so desires), so that helps.

And on my middle visit I was suffering from a hangover and needed something greasy, so I chose one of their half-pound burgers. I was waffling between the Cicero’s burger and the Patty Melt, and opted for the Patty Melt. The fact that it was served on marble rye made my decision for me. And all I can say is “eh”. Not great, not terrible. It’s a burger. Nothing really worth talking about it. At $8.59 (with fries) it’s definitely a better value than the salad, but again, just an average burger. The only other thing worth mentioning is that Aaron got his burger on garlic bread, and the bun is sub shaped, so the patty is also formed sub shaped to fit the bun. Just thought it was funny. But also shows that the patties are made fresh to order, which is a good feeling.

So, after sampling just about everything on the menu, I think it’s safe to say you can come for the beer (over 100 available), and stay for the thick-crust pizza. Everything else is just very, very, very average.

As a whole Cicero’s doesn’t deserve a chest bump, but that’s exactly what I’m going to give it because that’s how much I like the pizza.