A Walkabout on The Hill

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars




So a couple of weeks ago I decided that I wanted to have a meaningful life journey. Something like a walkabout, but with less Aborigines. Then I remembered that I’m married and have a kid, so I don’t really have the time to “find myself” (except in the shower, where I explore myself daily). So instead I decided to take a weeklong lunchtime journey to The Hill to try and discover the best sandwich shop there. The following is my recap of each place. And at the end you’ll find my official rankings.




MONDAY

Restaurant: Adriana’s
Location: 5101 Shaw, St. Louis, MO


Kelly and I had to head downtown for a very important and top-secret work meeting, so I made her stop by Adriana’s on the way for a sandwich. I’ve actually been here several times, as it’s Dru’s favorite spot to dine on The Hill, so I already had a decent idea of my thoughts on the place. But, as part of the journey, I was trying to order a similar sandwich at each place. This is what the experts call “apples to apples”. And since The Hill is famous for housing many Italians (or at least Italian restaurants), I decided that some sort of variation of a classic Italian sub would be the ‘wich of choice for the week.

At Adriana’s this was the “Hill Boy”. Quick tangent that will only make sense to about 3 people. Back in the day Tony got an angry email from a girl in Brussels who claimed he deceived her, called him an actor (but no Brad Pitt, of course), and then said “I’m clapping in my hands for you, boy.” For some reason the name of this ‘wich reminded me of that story. I wish I still had the email, because I could have just copied and pasted it instead of writing that long sentence. I digress. The “Hill Boy” consists of salami, Genoa (salami, I presume), mortadella, pepperoncinis, mozzarella cheese, and I added some giardinara. First off, the ‘wiches are HUGE. Even a half order is gigantic (and coming from me, that means something). I ordered the meal, which also came with a side of this tomato and onion salad thing. I sure it has an official name, but it’s tomatoes, onions, and Italian dressing. The salad was amazing. I don’t love tomatoes, but I couldn’t stop eating this thing. I would honestly consider just ordering a large serving of this for my lunch. It was that good. And the sandwich was no slouch. Great bread and lots of flavor. I was a little worried, because I didn’t think it had enough meat when I first bit into it, but in the end I think it was perfect. The lack of a huge stack of meat actually created a nice balance of flavor to the ‘wich, where nothing overpowered anything else. Really an enjoyable meal. And Kelly got a brownie, which I devoured for her. You might think she has a right to be mad at me, but I think I was doing her a favor by saving her from the calories. And I’m still waiting for a thank you.

One thing Adriana’s could use is a facelift. The place feels like it was opened up on a whim, like they didn’t expect to stay in business very long so they didn’t want to spend the money on making the place look nice. Some people might call it “quant”, but really it’s just bland and boring. On the flip side, the service is great. The lady behind the counter called me “cute” and “funny” (which I am), and there’s always a tempting piece of jailbait behind the counter. No complaints there.

But speaking of complaints, the place is expensive. It cost me $11.19 for a half sandwich, side of giardinara, the salad thing, and a drink. The whole point of eating at a sandwich shop is that you can eat a decently filling meal for relatively cheap. In fact, rumor has it there’s a sandwich shop that offers a footlong for only $5. I can’t remember the name, but if I do, I’ll pass it along.






TUESDAY

Restaurant: Amighetti’s
Location: 5141 Wilson, St. Louis, MO


It was hard to narrow down the five places I wanted to include in this very important life-journey, but since Amighetti’s is always voted the best in the city, it had to be on the list. I owed Tony a lunch due to an embarrassing performance by my fantasy football team, and neither of us had been to the ‘ghetti’s in several years, so we decided to meet up there.

The place has been open since 1921. I also don’t think it’s been cleaned or had the lights changed since 1921. Yet there’s a friendly and inviting charm about the place that makes it feel like an old soda fountain from back in the day. Probably because it is an old soda fountain from back in the day. And in the summer there’s a great outdoor patio where you can sit and chat the day away (assuming you’re eating with a friend, unless you just enjoy talking to yourself). All these things were plusses. But they pretty much stopped there.

I got the Amighetti special. Roast beef, ham, Genoa salami, cheese, pepperoncinis, and special dressing. Quite simply, it’s a terrible sandwich. I honestly don’t know how anyone goes to this place a second time, or how it continues to be voted best of the city. I’m tempted to make a snide comment here about St. Louis and it’s inhabitants, about how they just don’t know good food and base everything on reputation and what other people think or tell them instead of what their taste buds tell them, but I won’t. Becomes I’m not that kind of guy. And 30 minutes after eating the sandwich I felt sick. Which I don’t think is supposed to happen.

I also got an order of the chili (not terrible), a cookie (really good), garlic cheese bread (pleasantly delicious), and a drink. Now, you could say that maybe eating all that food is the reason I felt sick. And you’d probably be right. But I prefer to blame the sandwich.

You know what was nice? All that only cost me $12. Take that, Adriana’s!





WEDNESDAY


Restaurant: Gioia’s Deli
Location: 1934 Macklind, St. Louis, MO


Here’s where my journey got of track just a bit. I ended up having a meeting in Creve Coeur up until lunch time, and didn’t really have time to head to The Hill for a ‘wich. Instead we stopped by Chevy’s for ‘jitas and ‘ritas. And yes, I enjoyed them both.

However, I did go to Gioia’s the week before this special journey took place, so I decided to go ahead and count them as my Wednesday excursion (which it probably would have been anyway).

I got the Italian Trio served hot. Just an amazingly delicious combination of Salem de Testa (hot salami made fresh daily on the premises), salami, mortadella, mozzarells cheese, pepperoncinis, and dressing. This is a sandwich I could eat every day. Maybe even every meal (but they’d have to make a cereal version, because I really like cereal for breakfast). The sandwich was big, filling, mouth watering, and reasonably priced.

BTW (by the way), why do places say “made fresh daily”? Can’t they just say “Made Daily”? Doesn’t that imply the fresh part? Maybe that’s just me.

The place has been open forever. It also hasn’t been updated in forever. It’s dark, grimy, and there aren’t a ton of tables. And everyone who works there seems mean and rude. Sometimes all that stuff seems charming, but this wasn’t one of those times.

I also indulged in a cookie and drink, and the whole thing was just under $10, which isn’t too bad.

The other thing that is a constant theme is that it’s just as expensive to get a sandwich on The Hill as it is to eat at a decent restaurant. Which shouldn’t be the case.





THURSDAY


Restaurant: Eovaldi’s Deli
Location: 2201 Edwards, St. Louis, MO


Not sure why Joe and I went here. Well, I know why Joe went here, because I told him that’s where we were going. But I can’t remember why I chose it. I think I saw it on a “best of” type of list or something.

Anyway, when you walk in you realize this place isn’t a real hot spot. There are about 3 tables with 2 seats per table. The place is dark, a little scary, and looks like something you’d find in a back alley somewhere. Yet in this instance it was charming as hell and I loved it. Go figure.

I couldn’t decide on what to order, as the Chicago Style Salsiccia looked really good, but I also was trying as hard as possible to stick to the tried and true “apples to apples” approach. But I’m a problem solver. It’s what I do. So I ordered two sandwiches.

The aforementioned Chicago Style Salsiccia was simply salsiccia and hot roast beef, with cheese. And it was delicious. The bread was perfect. A combination of crunchy and soft. Just perfectly cooked. Even though I only got a half order (four-and-a-half inches), it was filling and more like seven inches (that’s what she said). I would definitely go back and get it again.

The New York Style Special was a different story. A combo of ham, Genova salami, hot Coppa, cheese, and pepperoncinis, it was just very ho-hum. Not terrible, but not memorable. I know this because I honestly can’t remember anything about it, or how to even write about it. I think that says it all. Joe got the same thing and described it as something he could get at Shnuck’s. But, the nine inch ‘wich was a good size (that’s what she said), and combined with the other sandwich I got, I was stuffed. And the whole thing (with drink) only cost me $12. Not bad for two sandwiches.




FRIDAY


Restaurant: Joe Fassi’s Sausage and Sandwich Factory
Location: 2323 Sublette, St. Louis, MO


Are you exhausted yet? Because I am. Joe Fassi’s had a pretty big group attendance. Joe, Jeff, Aaron, Tony, and myself all made the trip. And every one of us was disappointed that we did. I’ll spare you the details, but here’s the Cliffs Notes:

The sandwiches were tiny even though they are supposedly nine inches, I got two of them (Salsiccia (#10), their most popular), and the Fassi Special (#1)), and didn’t enjoy either of them (but finished them both, of course), they felt like something I quickly made at home, got chips and a drink, and it was $15.

Too expensive, not tasty, and not filling. Everyone used the word “suck” at some point. No joke.

On the bright side the place was really nice with plenty of seating, and it has the best soda offering on The Hill (Dr. Pepper, Cherry Coke, AND Root Beer!).



FINAL RANKINGS


Gioia’s Deli – Half handshake, half chest-bump hug

Adriana’s – Chest Bump

Eovaldi’s Deli – Fist Bump

Joe Fassi’s - Handshake

Amighetti’s – Manly Ass Slap




And there you have it. Hopefully this journey inside my soul (and belly) was somehow helpful to you. And if it wasn’t, so be it. And go eff yourself.


Got a question? Send it to josh@borntofork.com.