Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Restaurant: Lollapalooza
Location: Grant Park
This past weekend I checked out Lollapalooza. Now, when Lollapalooza first started back in ’91 it was a traveling show that featured some of the biggest acts of the summer. For the first couple of years it was the must-attend concert event of the year. Then the acts started getting smaller and smaller in name, the whole thing lost it cache, and it eventually went away. But then they had a genius idea – don’t bring the music to the people, bring the people to the music. Or something like that. Instead of traveling across the country with one or two headliners and a couple small acts, why not set up shop in one place and have a ton of headliners, then let the people come to you. It really wasn’t that original of a concept. Years ago they had something called “Woodstock”. And I’m not talking about the Pepsi sponsored one back in the ‘90s. I’m talking about the one where chicks mud wrestling first became popular. And more recently festivals like Bonnaroo have become the place to be, so it made sense to use a recognizable event like Lollapalooza and make it a bigger, one-weekend only festival. And rather than have it in the middle of Tennessee, why not have it in a big city like Chicago. And better yet, why not in Grant Park, so visitors can hear great music while standing underneath the massive skyline and have easy access to the city when the music is done playing. Last year it was a huge success, despite the 100-plus degree weather and people willing to do unmentionable things for a bottle of water. So I decided to head down and check it out this year.
On Friday I started off with The Subways. No real reason why. I’d heard good things, and it was better than staying at work. Nothing spectacular, but they had a good sound, a bass player who was female with great energy and a sexy Irish accent, and a drummer who may have been left handed and didn’t use a full drum set. Why do I know this? Because my buddy Geoff kept pointing things out like, “The drummer is lefty. You can tell because the so-and-so is on the left side. Oh, and he isn’t using a such-and-such and only has one thingamajig.” At some point I asked him, “How do you know all this?” And he pointed out that the better question would be, “Why do you care?” I didn’t. But a decent show. From there we headed over to check out Aqualung.
Now, as the guy is coming out, Geoff gives me a quick history of Aqualung, who I knew little about. The lead singer plays the piano and writes all the music. He basically is Aqualung, though he has some back-up musicians, including his brother on guitar. And when Matt (the lead singer) steps out, he looks like he might be 18, but Geoff quickly points out that he’s actually 40-something. I’m speechless, but manage to tell Geoff “no way”. But he tells me it’s true. Turns out the guy is only 34. Great story, huh? Doesn’t change the fact that it was a great show. Great music, good banter with the crowd, and one of the songs is even played on the radio all the time, which makes it even more embarrassing that I didn’t know who Aqualung was. My only complaint is that Beetle Bob was in the wings dancing. Having lived in St. Louis I’ve seen Beetle Bob many, many times. I don’t like him. It’s that simple. And to see him at Lollapalooza, dancing on stage never the less, infuriated me. Unfortunately it wasn’t the last time I was going to see him this weekend.
From there we headed over to see the eels, partly because it was the closest stage and partly because I wanted to check them out. I haven’t listened to a ton of eels stuff, but the stuff I have heard I’ve enjoyed. By this time Spoon and Bagger had showed up, so the four of us grabbed a seat on the grass and relaxed as the eels started up. Again, none of the other three guys has heard anything about the eels, but as they started playing their first song, Geoff excitedly screamed, “I know this song. It’s the first song on the O.C. Soundtrack, Volume 2.” I’m not even sure what else to say about that. Anyway, we listened to a couple of songs, and headed over to Panic! At the Disco, stopping at Ohmega Watts on the way. Nothing special at Panic, and Ohmega was OK. Also heard that Ohmega was great opening up for Blackalicious and Lyrics Born later that night.
Geoff, Bagger, Spoon, and myself all play on the same hoops team, and Geoff and Spoon are also in a band together (Doko Benjo). So the question comes up, “Would you rather be a star musician or a star basketball player?” Well, the debate lasted much longer than it probably should have. We started getting into what kind of basketball player (Jordan, successful role player, scrub, etc…) and what kind of musician (The Stones, or a band that is good and making a living but not selling out huge venues (Nada Surf or Aqualung or someone like that) or someone with a big following and making a living but not necessarily nationally recognized (Umphrey McGee’s)). Then you have to take into account life span, and that musicians can play for many, many years (or decades, if you’re the Stones) while NBA players do have a shelf life and a limited time to make a living playing ball. Anyway, I think we netted out that the NBA player and musician needed to be comparable. If the NBA guy is a role player who is successful (Bruce Bowen, for example, who started off as a defensive stopper, won some championship rings, and now is on the USA National Team (though he just got cut before the worlds) and will always be playing in the NBA and getting paid OK until he just can’t move anymore), then you’d have to pick the musician equivalent (maybe CeeLo, for example, who started off with Goodie Mobb, then did some solo work, with a hit song “Closet Freak”, and now is with Gnarls Barkley with THE hit song of the year). Since you’re already bored, I’ll cut to the chase. I chose NBA, mostly because I would just enjoy playing basketball everyday. The other guys were on the fence but went with musician.
Now, after Panic! was done we had an hour to kill until the Iron and Wine show, because we had no desire to see any of the bands playing in the 3:30 to 4:30 time frame. By this time I was ready to pass out I was so hungry, and everyone else was feeling the same way. So we headed over to some of the food tents. I went and got an Italian beef, which was fine, but after seeing the rib sandwich that Spoon and Bagger got from Fireside, I was jealous. Plus, Geoff got some tacos at the Adobo tent that also looked great, though he said they tasted like salt with some pork flavoring. The more I though about it, the madder I got about the Italian beef. Should have gotten the rib sandwich. I could get a decent beef anywhere in the city. Oh well.
On the bright side I felt the prices at Lolla were surprisingly cheap. A 16 oz. beer was only five bucks, and most of the sandwiches and food options were five to six bucks. You could pretty much eat and drink all day for $60 or less, which is great at a festival like this.
After it took all of us roughly 30 seconds to eat our food, we decided we were all still hungry. We decided to head towards Iron and Wine and check out the food tents on that side of the park. And it was a wasted walk. Nothing over there was nearly as compelling as a rib sandwich or pork tacos, so everyone decided to hold off for another rib sandwich.
We checked out Iron and Wine, which was fine, except a little slow and chill, and at that time in the day I really needed a pick me up. By the way, Ryan Adams is a douche. Everyone has one hour to play, and everyone is really, really good about being done on time, since the other band can’t start playing until the previous band is done. Well, Iron and Wine was standing on stage, waiting to start, and Ryan Adams just kept playing. And kept playing. And then it was awkward. And then Iron and Wine left the stage. And he kept playing. And then he finally stopped about 15 minutes late. Then Iron and Wine was finally able to play. And I will never listen to Ryan Adams again, which should be easy, cause I never listened to him before. And I know why. Spoon and I bolted and headed over to meet Bagger to check out the Raconteurs while Geoff opted for My Morning Jacket. Now, we of course stopped by the food tents again, and while I knew I should have gotten a rib sandwich, as my stomach wanted, I instead decided to get a snow cone, since I thought something cold would be refreshing. It, of course, was terrible, and I was a second away from kicking Spoon in the groin and taking the rest of his second rib sandwich. Instead I just threw out my snow cone.
The Raconteurs were great. The high-energy act I needed to get me back in the mood. Plus they did a cover of Gnarls Barkley’s “Crazy” that was awesome, and made even better because Gnarls Barkley was going to be there the next day to perform it. Jack White knows what he’s doing. In two great bands, amazing musician and songwriter, and married an extremely hot model. This convinced me that I made the wrong pick. I quickly informed Spoon that I’d go with “musician” over “NBA player”. I would have also informed Bagger, but he was being attacked and molested by the most unattractive girl at all of Lolla. Poor guy. If I wasn’t busy enjoying the show, I might have saved him. But then again, I didn’t want to risk her talking to me. Neither did Spoon, so we thought it was best to separate ourselves a bit and walk a couple feet away. Crisis averted. Except for Bagger.
From there we headed back over to the other side to relax and get some seats for Death Cab for Cutie, which was our last show of the night.
Of course we stopped at the food tents on the way over, and got the saddest news ever – Fireside was out of French rolls, so they were serving their rib sandwiches on hot dog buns. Of course I’m not going to eat a rib sandwich off a hot dog bun. That’s ridiculous. So I just got a smoothie. The smoothie was great and refreshing and all that crap, but the whole day all I wanted was a rib sandwich and I never got one. I vowed not to make the same mistake the next day.
On the way to Death Cab we made one more stop, convincing everyone to get a vegan ice cream sandwich from Bleeding Heart Bakery. I love me some Bleeding Heart Bakery, but even I was weary of a vegan ice cream sandwich. I mean, how good can ice cream be, or chocolate cookies for that matter, if cows have nothing to do with the ingredients involved. Turns out they weren’t that bad. My only real complaint is that the cookies were way to hard. For a good ice cream sandwich you need the cookies to be super soft, so your teeth cut right through and get to the ice cream. When the cookies are too hard/frozen, you end up mashing the ice cream and making a mess and the whole thing becomes too much work. Which was the case with these vegan versions. But again, for something that had soy and was organic, not bad at all.
And Death Cab for Cutie was pretty enjoyable as well. Even ran into Greg and Kirsten. That was important because it meant we had five of the seven guys from our basketball team there, so if a pickup game broke out, we had our squad to run the court.
I do want to mention that we checked out Umphrey’s McGhee, which has a huge Chicago following. On the way there a guy was in a dead sprint and someone screamed, “Where are you going?” and he screamed back, “To see the Umph!” The Umph? I never had seen them play, but I was pretty sure I now hated them. And after listening to them for five minutes I realized I did hate them. Well, not hate, but I didn’t understand the difference between them and the Freddy Jones Band. We listened to one song and went for more food.
And that was just Friday.
On Saturday I headed down to meet my friend Steve, who was in town with his wife, Nichole. On the cab ride over Nichole sliced a 12-inch gash open on her leg. Now, blood wasn’t running down her leg or anything, but it didn’t look good. We started off by checking out Nada Surf, who were great. After about 20 minutes or so we decided that it was past noon, and thus appropriate to get a beer. Even the beer vendor noticed the wound and said we should go to the first aid tent, which was “right over there”. So we did, thinking she’d get cleaned up and receive a band-aid or something. We were wrong. They recommended she go to the hospital. Not later that night, not the next day, but right then and there. Steve kind of chuckled and said, “Seriously?” Well, the EMT was angry and snapped, “Lockjaw is no laughing matter!” Nicole had to sign a document saying she refused medical treatment. It was a huge process that was also very ridiculous. By the time we were done Nada Surf was about finished, so we headed across the way to hear The GO! Team, maybe my favorite act of the entire weekend. Just a ton of energy, fun to watch, good music, made my head bob, and kept me entertained for 60 minutes. Of course I’ve listened to the album since and it’s not the same. So, don’t buy the album, but if they’re in your town, see them play. My only complaint was that Beetle Bob got to introduce them AND danced on stage with the lead singer for the last 10 minutes. I really hate Beetle Bob. Even more than the guy who said “The Umph”.
On our way to check out Lyrics Born two great things happened. 1) Spoon and I stopped and got a rib sandwich. SOOOOOO good. 2) We stumbled across Peeping Tom, who had a guy on stage beat boxing. And he was really, really, really good. So good in fact that Geoff said, “That dude’s as good as Rahzel.” (If you’re not following, Spoon met me at The GO! Team, Steve and Nichole left to go check out another show, and Spoon and I then met up with Geoff.) After a couple of minutes of tearing it up the lead singer of Peeping Tom said, “Give it up for Rahzel!” It was him. Not sure what the hell he was doing with Peeping Tom, but it was still a nice surprise.
When they were done Lyrics Born played. Now, I’m a big fan, and I’ve seen him before at the Abbey. And he puts on a great show. And I do love his music. But I thought he was disappointing. Every other sentence was either about him being from the Bay area, or asking us to scream “Yeah” or “Hell Yeah”. We cut out early to make sure we got to the Gnarls Barkley show in time.
And of course on the way Spoon and I stopped to get another rib sandwich. So I go up and order a rib sandwich, and the girl says, “Again?” And she said it in a semi-snotty, semi-serious, semi-joking way. It was pretty funny. And hurtful. It reminded me of a couple of Halloween’s ago when I dressed up like Michael Phelps. I wore big, fake ears, some swim goggles, a gold medal, and Speedos. And that was it. (Just so you know, it was cold outside, so I did have a blue, USA-like warm-up jacket for when I had to be outside.) So, I was at Tin Lizzy’s with some friends, and this girl comes up to me and asks, “So what are you supposed to be? Besides fat.” It was hilarious. You could tell she was trying to be mean (I think she was mad because girls use Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty and get attention, and they get mad when a guy does something to steal that attention away) but I didn’t find it mean at all. I thought it was funny. The kind of thing that one of my friends (specifically Dru or Tony or Ricky or Dre) would say to me. And because I found it so funny she got even madder and walked away. Back to Lolla. After the girl made the comment she was close to getting a slap to the baby-maker, but the rib sandwich distracted me. And it was delicious. Again. My real question is why didn’t she call out Spoon (other than the obvious fact that she wanted to sleep with me)? This was his FIFTH rib sandwich in two days. It was only my second, yet I’m the one getting made fun of. I told her Lockjaw was no laughing matter. She must of agreed cause she didn’t laugh.
When we got to Gnarls we were frightened. Just a sea of people. Probably the most crowded show I saw all weekend. It was crazy (no pun intended). And they put on a pretty good show. First off, they were wearing all white tennis outfits. In fact, even if they didn’t play a song I would have already been more than happy. But they did play music, and play it well they did. And CeeLo was joking with the crowd, telling stories, asking girls to show their titties, and all that good stuff. What I like about CeeLo is that he understands that he is an entertainer. He isn’t there just to walk through the songs and move on. He is there to put on a show. And he did. And Gnarls did. And it was good.
Instead of trying to run and see Blackalicious, we decided to just move close to the stage and camp out for an hour to catch Common. Gave me a chance to lie down and nap off all those rib sandwiches.
I thought Common was great. The only problem was that my wife’s family was in town, so I had to jet to go meet them, meaning I had to leave Common half way through, and miss Kanye and Sunday’s entire lineup. Not cool.
Of course Amy’s brother-in-law (and my brother-in-law, I guess) enjoy the same thing – doing nothing. So the rest of the weekend was spent either on the couch, eating, or drinking beer.
If you’ve read this far, I’m amazed. Here’s a quick recap, since you most likely blacked out somewhere after the third paragraph.
FRIDAY
The Subways – High five
Aqualung – Chest Bump
Beetle Bob – Fone and fone
eels - Handshake
Panic! at the Disco – High five
Ohmega Watts – Fist bump
Umphrey’s McGhee – the Umph, if you will. Manly ass slap.
Iron and Wine – High five with a manly ass slap.
The Raconteurs – Chest bump with a manly ass slap.
Death Cab for Cutie – Chest bump.
SATURDAY
Nada Surf – Fist bump
The Go! Team – Half handshake, half chest-bump hug. But like I said, their album is more like a High Five.
Rahzel – Chest bump
Peeping Tom – Handshake with a manly ass slap
Lyrics Born – Fist bump
Gnarls Barkley – Chest bump with a manly ass slap
Common – Chest bump
SUNDAY
Didn’t get to go. – Fone and fone.
FOOD
Smoothie – Chest bump
Rib sandwich - HJ
Italian beef – Handshake
Ice cream cookie – Fist bump
Snow cone – Manly ass slap (even though there’s nothing manly about eating a snow cone)
Guacamole and Chips (that I sampled from Geoff) – Chest bump
The 28 miles I walked back and forth from stage to stage over two days – Fone and fone.
Lollapalooza – priceless (chirp)
Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.
Labels: Event, Loop
