The Disney Wonder

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Fone and fone – 0 stars
Manly ass slap – ½ star



Restaurant: The Disney Wonder – part of the Disney Cruise Line
Location: The Open Seas


A new report says that 23.1 percent of the U.S. population is considered obese. Well, 98.3 percent of the Disney Cruise population is considered obese (myself included). Honestly, I’m amazed the boat was able to float. Everywhere you looked there were fat people, with their fat kids, eating fat food, getting fatter. It was depressing.

At the breakfast buffet one morning I saw a kid who had an entire plate of bacon. Not a side of bacon, not a dinner roll size plate of bacon, but a giant plate piled with bacon. And it wasn’t the only thing he was eating. He was also grabbing some waffles, some eggs, two scoops of lard, and, of course, a Coke. That was the thing that most amazed me. Every kid on this cruise was downing soda. At all times of the day. At one point I was expecting to see kids drizzling Coke on their pancakes, and dipping their fries in Mr. Pibb, and using Cherry Coke instead of milk for their cereal. It was unreal. And parents didn’t care. And it wasn’t like these were healthy kids and this cruise was the time when their parents let them live a little. These were overweight kids with parents helping them die a little sooner. It was just sad.

I know cruises and resorts and vacations are the times when people don’t really stick to a diet, and they try to get their money’s worth at the buffet, and I’m the same way. But these were fat kids who just continued to get fatter. I know you’re not supposed to call kids fat, or point fingers, or whatever. But it’s just unhealthy. When I was a kid, I don’t remember there being that many overweight kids. And those who were, well, they were athletic. They played sports and were active, they just happened to be bigger. But these kids, the only exercise they seemed to get was when they walked from the ice cream line to the soda machine. This cruise could have used a crash cart every 20 feet just in case of emergency (joke used with permission of Pettit Inc.).

And while I’m ranting, I also have a problem with parents who look for any excuse to just stop being parents. This cruise was like the world’s biggest excuse for them. They just let their kids run around, scream, throw trash, whatever. It’s like they thought Mickey and Minnie would be looking after them the whole time. And even if some creep in a costume wasn’t playing babysitter, we were on a boat. So parents figured, “We’re in the middle of an ocean. Where are the kids going to go? And how much trouble can they really get into?” And really, I shouldn’t complain. This is a cruise made for kids, and I’m glad they were able to have fun. But it would be nice for a parent to step up at some point and say “no” or “Hey, Charlie, please don’t do that” or “Steve, are you sure you need seven Cokes with your two burgers, pizza, and cheese fries?” Again, America has become a place where everyone gets blamed for everything, except for parents. Fast food and soft drink companies get blamed for child obesity, yet someone is buying the kids the food. And video games and movies are getting blamed for violence, but someone is letting kids play and watch this stuff. Can we please start blaming parents? What happened to the good old days when you had to sneak behind your parents back to eat bad food, look at porn, play video games, and watch R rated movies. What is this world coming to?

My soapbox just broke under my excessive holiday weight, so I’ll get on to the food review.

I was riding the open seas on the Disney Wonder, part of the Disney Cruise Line. Nice ship. Just huge. Like my johnson. Otherwise known as the Octagon. Anyway, the ship was 10 levels, had five restaurants, a couple of fast food places, a gym, a basketball court, two theaters, a computer lab, and tons of kids activities. It was like a floating resort.

The way dinner works on one of these things is that you are assigned a restaurant for dinner every night. You show up at the same time, just at a different place. You eat dinner with the same people every night, which for me were my in-laws. I ate at three different restaurants for dinner, Triton’s, Palo, and Parrot Cay. Let’s start with Triton’s.

I started with the fried Camembert, or something French like that. Basically it’s fried cheese. But, this isn’t like a mozzarella cheese. It was this super soft ball of goodness. It was almost like fried mayonnaise. It was easily the best part of dinner.

For dinner I got the beef tenderloin. Just OK. Not that juicy. No real flavor. Basically it was just calories to fill me up. Don’t get me wrong, I ate all of it, and even thought about ordering more, but I wasn’t happy about it. And for dessert I went with the Apple Tart with cinnamon ice cream. Now, the tart was basically a cold apple pie, and it was OK. But the ice cream – so good. And my wife got the soufflé, which was amazing. It was a like a pancake filled with chocolate. If it was my dinner, I would have been happy.

TRITON’S – High-five. Nothing special here.


Next up was the adult-only dinner at PALO. I was hoping that meant it was a topless restaurant, but really it was just a sanctuary where parents could get away from their kids, and I could get away from other people’s kids. It was the nicest dinner of the trip, even costing an extra ten bucks per person.

I started off with the fried calamari. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, if it’s fried, you’re going to be pretty hard pressed to disappoint me. This was no exception. Not the best I’ve ever had, but it was fried, and that’s a good thing. Next, they brought out some prosciutto and melon. What a great combo. The spicy, salty flavor of the prosciutto complemented by the sweetness of melon. And because the fruit was extra good, it was just a very satisfying co-appetizer.

And really, we had three appetizers. Next was the prosciutto pizza. I don’t know why I never thought of this before. I love proscioutto, and I love pizza, so combining the two was a no-brainer. And it was really good pizza. I also got a salad, but who cares.

For dinner I went with the pasta. Not sure why, since there was Filet on the menu, but I was just in the mood for some pasta. And I was pretty happy with my choice. It was a rigatoni in a spicy red sauce, with some big-ass shrimp mixed in. Honestly, it was super satisfying. I’m glad I got it. The knock on it was that it really wasn’t that different from pasta I’ve made at home. It wasn’t like it had this unique flavor or sauce or anything. I’m pretty sure I’ve made the exact same dish at home. Ingredient for ingredient. But, it was still good.

Everyone else at the table got the Filet. And I’m glad I didn’t. Granted, it was HUGE, which is nice, but it was overcooked and dry. Filet has never been my favorite cut of meat, but still. Don’t serve it unless you’re going to cook it right. And everyone at the table had the same comment, so I know I’m not crazy.

But dessert, oh sweet dessert. Chocolate soufflé. Almost chocolate creamed in my pants. It was AMAZING. And UNREAL. And AMAZING. So happy. Again, if I could have ordered the soufflé as my soup before dinner, this would have been the best dinner of my life.

PALO – Fist bump with a manly ass slap. Would have been higher, but points off since the main course was the least satisfying part of the meal.

On the last night we were treated to Parrot Cay, the Caribbean themed restaurant on the boat. I treated myself to chicken wings that were dipped in a sweet barbeque sauce. Blah. Next, I decided to go for the fruit salad. Awesome. In fact, the fruit throughout the trip was fantastic. Probably the best fruit I’ve ever eaten. Everything was ripe and juicy and sweet and filling. One day for lunch all I ate was fruit. That’s saying something. So, this fruit salad was no exception. And it was dripped with honey. Just fantastic.

For dinner I went with the grouper. They had prime rib, which looked (and tasted) much better, but I wanted to get a fish at least once on this trip. And the grouper was just OK. Would I get it again? No. Did I scrape my tongue with my fork? No. So, just very average. But, it was served with mashed potatoes. Or so I thought. It was actually a cauliflower puree. No joke. Something like cauliflower and virgin olive oil. Looked just like mashed potatoes. As I was eating them, I even made a comment about how good I thought the potatoes were, that they had this great, unique flavor. Then I was told it was cauliflower. I almost jumped off the boat. Who knew? I would have NEVER ordered something like that, but now that I’ve been bamboozled, I’ll be sure to do it again.

And dessert was a great Sundae. Really tasty.

PARROT CAY – HIGH FIVE

Now, lunch and breakfast worked a little different. For the most part you would just head to Beach Blanket Buffet and chow down. Sure, I think Parrot Cay would serve you a sit down lunch, but who cares. There was an all you can eat buffet, and a ship full of people who can eat all things.

For breakfast, the selection typically consisted of fruit, eggs, sausage, bacon, little Mickey waffles (chocolate and regular), cereal, bagels, toast, and omelets. No big surprises here. Everything was very blah except for the omelets, which were pretty good and really filling. The lunch buffets weren’t as good, and since the breakfast buffet wasn’t that good, well, I didn’t exactly look forward to lunch everyday. The best part of the lunch buffet was the kids’ line, and the best part of that was getting in line. The lady handing out trays said, “Sir, you’re in the kids line.” I said, “Does this line have mac and cheese, applesauce, and corn dogs?” She said, “Yes.” Then I said, “I’m in the right line.” Then I destroyed a plate of mac and cheese, a corndog, and some applesauce. And a horrendous piece of pizza. I love buffets. Love them. It’s just piles of food and you can eat as much of it as you’d like. Really, it’s the greatest invention of all time. But, this buffet was very mediocre at best.

BEACH BLANKET BUFFET – Fist bump. And it only gets that because it was all you can eat.


If you haven’t fallen asleep by now, here is the recap. Food in general was below average. Very disappointing. Highlights included the fruit, desserts, and making fun of fat people. I’m not proud of the last one.

So, Disney Wonder gets a final rating of high five.