Diversey Rock 'n' Bowl

Ratings Guide:
Half handshake, half chest-bump hug – 5 stars
Chest bump – 4 stars
Fist bump – 3 stars
High five – 2 stars
Handshake – 1 star
Manly ass slap – ½ star
Fone and fone – 0 stars


Restaurant: Diversey Rock ‘n’ Bowl
Location: 2211 W. Diversey


I have a healthy obsession with a lot of things in this world. Hot dogs. Fantasy football. Sports. Eating. Procrastinating. Avoiding work. Milkshakes. Cheese fries. Backyard games. Thunderstorms. The Bulls. The Bears. The Cubs. Bowling. Mario Kart. Shoes. Pizza. Movies. Music. Napping. Chocolate. Hot showers. Golden showers (just seeing if you’re still reading). Working out. Sitting on the couch. Watching TV. Staring at my wife’s rack. And ass. Gambling. Matt’s cookies. Pickles. Dining out. Talking trash. Bad movies that involve dancing or girls in tights or both (Step Up, You Got Served, Roll Bounce, Stomp the Yard, Stick It, etc…). Pop culture. And being awesome.

It just so happens that a number of things on this list can be found at one place - Diversey Rock ‘n’ Bowl.

BOWLING
This one is kind of obvious. It’s a bowling alley. You bowl here. I love bowling and Rock ‘n’ Bowl has some of the best lanes in the city. My only complaint is that they can be inconsistent. Sometimes they are a little too waxed and the ball slides like it’s on ice, and other times it’s not waxed enough and the ball really catches. But you can get a feel for it quickly and adjust. Well, if you’re a great bowler like myself you can adjust. If you throw like Ryan Dumpster or Ricky Kim then you might be screwed. And Rock ‘n’ Bowl is smoke free. Half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

GAMBLING
Maybe the best, and most underused, part of bowling is the gambling that can, and should, be involved. You can bet on things like the first throw of every frame (set an over under for a bowler and bet on it), spare pickups (set odds on the chances of a bowler picking up a spare and bet on it), final score, number of strikes, the beer frame bet, reverse spin spare pickups, opposite hand throws, number of closed frames, strip bowling, number of bucks shot in “Big Buck Hunter”, amount of cheese fries eaten. Really the possibilities are endless. Half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

CHEESE FRIES
I had this discussion the other night with my buddy Neuman, who also happens to be on my bowling team, and I said that cheese fries might be my favorite food. He said pot stickers (no, he’s not gay) with cheese fries as a close second. What’s not to like about cheese fries? The answer is actually “a lot”. See, first you have to have the perfect fries. They have to be thick enough to really soak up and hold the cheese and really stand up to the cheese taste. They can’t be too thin, because then it’s all cheese and no fry. And it can’t be too thick, because then it’s all potato and no cheese. It really is a delicate balance. Then you still have to have the perfect cheese. Can’t be some shreds of cheddar melted on top of the fries. And it can’t be some nasty Cheez Whiz type of goo. It has to be that perfect liquid cheese that either comes out of a pump or is scooped with a ladle. And if you’re lucky enough to find the cheese that has some jalapeño flavor baked right in? Eureka. My favorite cheese fries in the world are actually found in a bowling alley in St. Louis – Tropicana Bowl. Ricky and I would always bet cheese fries on our first game. Let’s just say there’s a reason I put on some pounds in the Lou (Hint: I killed Ricky at bowling. And golf. And any sport where I could get in his kitchen and cook some food at will.). When I got the cheese fries at Rock ‘n’ Bowl I was a little worried. The fries are the cross cut variety, which I like, and they were “spicy” (which means lightly seasoned with some seasoning salt) which I also like as long as the seasoning isn’t overwhelming, which these weren’t. The scary part was that the cheese came in a little cup instead of covering the fries. See, I like my cheese COVERING my fries, to the point that you need a fork to eat them. The cheese and grease of the fries get a chance to make friends and party for a while, creating the perfect cheese fry. When you have to dip the fry you lose something. The second problem was the cup wasn’t that big. It was only enough for the fries if you half dipped them, and if you ate a couple of the fries with ketchup. It was like being at a Bulls’ game and getting the nachos that never come with enough cheese so you either have to order extra cheese for $1.25 or use the cheese sparingly. This does not make me happy. The third watch-out was that the cheese looked a little thick, and not gooey enough. But, in the end, they weren’t too bad. They ended up being pretty tasty, and the fries themselves were delicious. I think if you simply ask them to drip the cheese over the fries, and give the lady at the counter a little wink (if you’re hot like me) for some extra cheese, then you’ll be pretty happy with the order. Fist bump. (Oh, and if you’re looking for some good cheese fries in the Loop check out Max’s Take-Out. It’s my favorite place for cheese fries and a hot dog.)

THE CUBS
You wouldn’t think the Cubs have anything to do with bowling. Until you see my Chicago Cubs bowling ball. Then you’d change your mind. It’s the only thing Cubs related that throws strikes consistently. The Cubs get a manly ass slap. The Cubs ball gets a half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

HOT DOGS
I think they have hot dogs at Rock ‘n’ Bowl. I’m not sure. I’ve never looked. Which probably shocks you. As it does me.

SPORTS
Bowling is a sport. Kind of.

MILKSHAKES
This you may not believe, but it’s true – Rock ‘n’ Bowl actually has really good milkshakes. Made from scratch with ice cream, milk and some chocolate sauce. Just like Mom used to. Chest bump.

SHOES
You get to wear bowling shoes. I have my own pair. They are sweet. Like the milkshakes.

PIZZA
I think the pizza at Rock ‘n’ Bowl is surprisingly good. It helps that you don’t expect a bowling alley to have good pizza, and then when it over delivers you feel like you’re eating the best pizza in the world. It’s really cheesy and incredibly greasy. Just like a pizza should be. I recommend the ground beef and tomatoes. But, sometimes the ground beef is spicy (which I prefer) and other times it’s bland (and bland is never good. Blanch from the Golden Girls is a different story). You’ve been warned. Fist bump with a manly ass slap.

TALKING TRASH
In high school they used to call me “The Mouth”. I think it’s because of the amount of trash I talked. At least I hope that’s why they called me that. Now they call me “The G.I. Track”. Half handshake, half chest-bump hug.

BEING AWESOME
I’m awesome at bowling. There’s not much else I can say. But I’ll try anyway. I hit the pocket. I hit it hard. I throw a sweet spin ball. I knock down lots of pins. I’m clutch. I’ve carried one of my bowling teams to second place (I have a trophy if you want to see it) and have my current team in first place. I get in people’s heads. I intimidate people. I have ice in my veins. Simply put, I’m awesome. Half handshake, half chest-bump hug


ROCK ‘N’ BOWL
Chest bump. Would be higher except that they do the cosmic bowling with the black light after 10 p.m. I hate it. Too bad. They could have been perfect.

Got a question? Send it to born2fork@yahoo.com.